Surprise wedding

[whyohwhyisthishappening]

First time posting but long time lurker!
Been with my OH for 10ish years. Been together since we were 16. We own our own house and have a DS. We've been engaged for the past 4 or so years but we haven't got married yet mostly because of money. When we first got engaged, we were renovating our house and so finances were tight. Then our son came along and so now we don't have as much disposable income as we had previously.

We are not the most sociable of people and have family members who can be quite difficult so we've always wanted an informal and small wedding. Neither of us is after the traditional church wedding and we hate the thought of having 150 peoples' attention on us. Not putting anybody down whose dream that is, its just not us!

We are the same age and our birthdays are a month or so apart. We will be turning 30 in two years time and so I've thought this is the perfect opportunity to organise our wedding but keep it a surprise.

So I'm thinking we invite 40 or so friends and family to our joint 30th birthday party but when they turn up on the evening, its actually our wedding. We have the ceremony, buffet style food (not sausage roll style but more buffet than traditional three course meal) and a bit of dancing. This keeps the pressure off as nobody will know/be able to demand so and so gets to come/hassle us for months before to know all the details etc.

My OH is totally on board for this and we think we've found a venue. Already discussed the possibility of a surprise wedding with the venue and they like the idea and have said it'll be do-able.

My AIBU is this..
Am I being unreasonable in thinking we can pull this off?

P.S. what points come to mind straight away that make you think this might be a complete disaster?

Doesn't sound like a disaster at all! It'll be brilliant and avoid all the wedding stress. Have fun!

That sounds perfect for you OP!

I'm with you, my DP and I want to get married but I've been married before and we have some slightly awkward family dynamics which has made us think we might get married abroad with just one or two friends as witnesses.

Do what makes you happy, you only get one life!

Good luck 😊

Sounds fab! Go for it.

Sounds absolutely fab!

I went to a suprise wedding a few years ago it was great. Much less formal and relaxed than some and exactly what the bride and groom wanted

Sounds great!!

I went to a 30th birthday party that was actually a surprise wedding! It was great. Everyone had a blast!

We had friends who did this... we thought we were just going to church for their daughters christening but they actually got married whilst we were all there too. Was a very fun day.

A friend of mine done similar, except they announced engagement and invited friends and family etc to an engagement party, but it turned out it was actually their wedding so 2 for the price of 1! It was a great night and everyone was still dressed up /brought a gift etc so none of their family felt short changed at missing out AFAIK.

Go for it if it's what you want!

Sounds wonderful! The risk of eloping is potentially hurting feelings of nearest and dearest if they feel excluded. This sidesteps that with having people present but not involved beforehand so you can have exactly what you want!

I wanted to do this and combine it with DH's 50th, or perhaps get married on out own at lunchtime and then announce it in the evening at the birthday party...

DH declined the suggestion! we got married just the two of us and dc whilst on a UK holiday and then went on honeymoon on our own. We only told parents and siblings, it was a surprise to everyone else.

I think your plan sounds fab! Good luck

Ooh exciting! I went to a surprise wedding (was a Christening too) and it was amazing - I still get goosebumps when I think about it! No downsides at all, especially if already an evening do.

Sounds really lovely OP. The venue we are having for our small (rearranged) wedding had a lovely surprise one there. It was arranged as a big birthday do but when the guests arrived it's was a great fun informal winter wedding. Enjoy your lovely day.

Sounds really lovely OP. The venue we are having for our small (rearranged) wedding had a lovely surprise one there. It was arranged as a big birthday do but when the guests arrived it's was a great fun informal winter wedding. Enjoy your lovely day.

I love this idea! I know a couple who organised their dd's christening but had a surprise wedding the same day, it was great!

Can you get married in the evening?
Do registrar's work evenings ?

Go for it, this sounds lovely. It’s what I wanted to do, but fiancé wanted his parents and a few close friends involved if he could.

A friends aunt did this, they invited people to a summer party and everyone was surprised when they turned up to see them get married! They all talk about it really fondly, and the aunt said it kept their stress levels down and meant they could organise what they wanted. She inspired me to do the same!

Enjoy it

Can you get married in the evening?
Do registrar's work evenings ?

Yeah, they removed the 6am - 6pm restriction around 2010, I believe. You’d have to agree the time with the registrar, but they are generally pretty flexible. A couple got married at midnight in Cheshire on Saturday, so they could be the first people married in the U.K. after lockdown.

Lovely idea! A relative of mine did this - they said the only hiccup was people arriving late because punctuality for a party isnt as important as a wedding, and also some people who couldn't come expressed that they would have cancelled their prior plans had they known it was a wedding. Overall though they loved it and those things didnt make them regret it. They could also be worked around by giving good advance notice etc

Whilst certainly not against your thoughts at all, here are some to consider:

• would you send our formal invites for your 'birthday'?
• who will sign the register and will they know beforehand?
• will you have anyone do speeches and will they know beforehand?
• What exactly were you thinking buffet wise? Canapes, snacks or a decent meal? I've left so many weddings/parties starving, and I'm not a big eater!
• You might get your mum and MIL in particular feeling left out/rejected/hurt etc etc, so just be aware. I'd suggest organising hair for them both so they can at least feel nice before the 'party' in prep for the wedding pics.
• Presumably you will have a photographer, so I'd also help mum and MIL, close family/friends with smarter outfit ideas. I'd feel absolutely guttered if I turned up to a 'birthday' in jeans, then turns into a wedding and I felt underdressed in photos that are forever the wedding photos you have on the walls. Especially for parents and in-laws, I personally think they'd feel awful.
• Its certainly an option for doing things cheap though, but just be prepared that some wont understand and will feel rejected/hurt and possibly not understand your reasoning.

Only downfall I can see is that like a pp said people may be late or not make as much effort for a birthday as for a wedding. So if me and my husband were invited to a birthday party then maybe one of us would go and the other stay and look after the kids but if it was a wedding we would ask my parents to babysit. And if we were invited to another wedding on the same day (has happened before) we would probably prioritise that over what we thought was a party.

I think overall its probably worth it though for the handful of people that might be missing

Sounds lovely! Not unreasonable at all; you should do exactly what you are DP want, it's your wedding, no one else's!

Thank you everyone so far for your lovely comments. I'm even more convinced now that its the right thing to do. So nice to hear of others couple who've done this successfully too.
Sorry, don't know how to tag the PP who mentioned the registrar but thanks for pointing out a potential flaw. That's the kind of thing I was hoping people could point out for me as I'm a bit in love with this idea and am worried I've missed a big problem or issue. And thanks to the PP who said they can now be flexible, that's sorted that problem already

I would personally plan it as you intend to. Send invites to say your having a party about 2 months in advance. Then a week before the day itself send out a second invite to say this will be your wedding reception or send a group email to tell everyone so they know before hand. The reason I say this as whilst it's a great idea you may regret not having any wedding day cards in years to come so tell people a few days before. They can't fuss about details then.

DB did this, it was brilliant. Everyone was SOOOOOOO HAPPY! It was genuinely the best wedding I have ever been too. They just went to the front and said "Oh by the way we are getting married so *** please can you come up here because you are the best man"
Ahhhh defo do it!