Surprise wedding

[whyohwhyisthishappening]

First time posting but long time lurker!
Been with my OH for 10ish years. Been together since we were 16. We own our own house and have a DS. We've been engaged for the past 4 or so years but we haven't got married yet mostly because of money. When we first got engaged, we were renovating our house and so finances were tight. Then our son came along and so now we don't have as much disposable income as we had previously.

We are not the most sociable of people and have family members who can be quite difficult so we've always wanted an informal and small wedding. Neither of us is after the traditional church wedding and we hate the thought of having 150 peoples' attention on us. Not putting anybody down whose dream that is, its just not us!

We are the same age and our birthdays are a month or so apart. We will be turning 30 in two years time and so I've thought this is the perfect opportunity to organise our wedding but keep it a surprise.

So I'm thinking we invite 40 or so friends and family to our joint 30th birthday party but when they turn up on the evening, its actually our wedding. We have the ceremony, buffet style food (not sausage roll style but more buffet than traditional three course meal) and a bit of dancing. This keeps the pressure off as nobody will know/be able to demand so and so gets to come/hassle us for months before to know all the details etc.

My OH is totally on board for this and we think we've found a venue. Already discussed the possibility of a surprise wedding with the venue and they like the idea and have said it'll be do-able.

My AIBU is this..
Am I being unreasonable in thinking we can pull this off?

P.S. what points come to mind straight away that make you think this might be a complete disaster?

That sounds fantastic!

@LatteLover12 that’s what we plan to do too. We both have awkward families with both sets of parents on both sides having remarried, and having uncles etc who have remarried and they all hate each other 🤣 I would rather elope

Not quite sure how my grin came out as flowers?! Sorry!
So we were thinking of doing birthday invitations but with a smart dress code so hopefully people wouldn't be in just jeans and tops but I know we need to think more carefully about that. It would be in October/November so not necessarily wedding season which makes us hopeful that people won't have any clashes.
I was also thinking if people said they couldn't attend before hand, depending on who it was, we might then tell them the truth if we felt it was someone who'd really regret it e.g. family.

Thank you for all these points, there's some we hadn't thought of yet so good things for us to consider.

Thanks Shells, i didn't know that

I agree with Elouera and Fortnite that it would be kind to let people know, even if it were a week or 10 days beforehand. For all the reasons they have listed - no need for me to repeat them.

I would be really sad if I turned up to one of my dcs' weddings not having had taken that extra effort with clothes, or, even worse, when we were younger and had dc that would have needed babysitting to potentially miss a friend's wedding because it was a bit tricky to get a sitter and it was "just for a birthday party so I didn't pull out all the stops as you would for a wedding"

x posted

I’d make sure you send out a dress code because some of my family would probably rock up in jeans and trainers to a party!
I agree with a PP point on not getting cards. I wouldn’t give a crap about receiving anything but cards from my family. But if you have a guest book people can sign that if you’re not bothered about cards.

i never wanted the big wedding with loads of guests, my first wedding was just me and my husband, my second was just very close family and no fuss, sister-in-law married us with a small tea at her house after, do what makes you happy x

We did this after the politics of planning our wedding became too stressful due to our difficult families.

It was my 30th and we invited about 35 people to my “birthday lunch”. A few people declined the invitation, and we had decided beforehand that if they did we wouldn’t tell them, but others rejigged plans so they could actually attend so we had the people who were important there - because they chose to make themselves important.

It was really relaxed and we had a marvellous day. My sister was in on it and we’d arranged someone to come to take her children home in the evening, though they fell asleep at the venue so the babysitters just stayed and partied so that worked out well.

Only one couple turned up in jeans. We had said “Sunday best” and said we were going to a smart restaurant but the message hadn’t sunk in. The woman from the couple actually went home to change though neither of us had noticed before she left that she was “underdressed”. Clearly she felt uncomfortable though. Honestly if everyone had been in jeans I wouldn’t have minded one bit.

It was in the middle of a year of many weddings for us and it’s still the one that people mention from that period, over a decade later. It wasn’t better or worse than anyone else’s, but it was different.

My mother still hasn’t forgiven me though.

I know someone who did this for a landmark birthday. They held a party on their birthday (it was winter) at a local pub/restaurant which was registered for weddings. Before the guests arrived they got married very quietly with an adult child and a sibling as witnesses. When the guests arrived they made an announcement that they'd just got married.

I don't get the impression anyone minded not being there for the ceremony and think everyone had a good night! I wasn't there - this is an acquaintance of mine rather than a friend. The couple had been together more than 20 years and wanted minimal fuss.

Agree with setting a dress code. Maybe say a theme on invites of ‘dress to impress’ or along them lines.
Sounds amazing. I would be honoured and so happy if i were invited thinking and hoping I have friends who are 30 soon and I’m invited to their party

One think fellow posters mentioned is times - as has been said people can attend at different times. I know birthday type parties I’ve been too can say 7:30 start and have people arriving anytime from 7:30-9:30, is there a way to get them on time by saying there is entertainment organised for a certain time? Or maybe gathering in one room (i.e the party room) then announcing once all are there to go to another room set up for ceremony?

Strike through fail

Our friends did this (right down to it being a joint 30th party as their birthdays are close together) and it was absolutely wonderful - was such a lovely surprise and a fab party to celebrate with them, go for it!

OP: so you want a "wedding party" but don't want your guests to know that it is a "wedding party" until you surprise them??? And you want to stipulate a dress code ??? if I got an invitation to a presumed birthday party I would be totally confused with a dress code. What are you trying to hide? Go to the registrar with your two witnesses (and very few, very close family members if you want - or not) and just have the party after. Why all this secrecy?

It sounds brilliant!
We did similar. We told our parents and brothers that we were getting married about a week beforehand, and they came up for the ceremony and meal. (We had 9 guests). That was the Wednesday. Then on the Thursday we told everyone else that we had got married and invited everyone to a bar on the Sunday if they wanted to celebrate with us. We laid on some food and drinks. I travelled there on the tube in my wedding dress! It was short notice, so about 30 turned up, which was perfect. After the bar shut my husband, best friend, and his boyfriend went down the road to a karaoke bar and then for late-night burgers!
I wondered beforehand if I would regret not having a big wedding, but 12 years on, I would do exactly the same again.

I think OP explained quite clearly they don’t want the fuss and interference from well meaning relatives not picking over every tiny aspect of the wedding.

We did similar, keeps the whole thing casual and relaxed. No pressure from anyone.

Love the idea, we eloped as the thought, as you say, of all those eyes on you and the pressure of the day filled us with dread.

Sounds amazing!

Sounds fantastic. Enjoy the stress free planning!!!

Sounds fantastic.

To my dh,who already knows this I imagine!
Your parents are so boring and iratating, I hate all the oohs and erms and the looks and the not saying anything about anything, that in 10 years they have never made me laugh or me hear them laugh, that somehow the TV gets turned off on Christmas day so there is absolutely no atmosphere at all!! I can't stand it!!!!! I dread it!!!!
How every visit is stilted, awkward and I have the life drained out of me and I have nothing left to say after 10 years as its all met with, lip pursed half smile, like you do to someone you walk past!! And what's with never putting a bloody balloon out for anyone's birthday, I don't want to be on the non balloon table. Uggghhh, why r you all so bloody rigid and hard work.
I'm really not interested in pretending any more you've worn me down, and stop texting me in a formal Manor I just delete it 10years!!!!!!! And buy your grandson a present that you've not had to ask for the exact link to on amazon.

Ignore I'm sorry, posted on the wrong post, I've asked for it to be deleted, 🙈🙈

Yes, good point on times. Tell people to arrive from e.g. 7.30pm and that you'll be sitting down for the meal at 8pm with a birthday surprise, or something like that, so they know they have to turn up on time.

I think it is a good idea that sounds as if it will suit you perfectly.

However my personal experience of this was in my late 20s having not been dating my new boyfriend long when he invited me to come along to a birthday party for some of his friends. He told me it would be very informal and just some nibbles and chatting with his old university friends so I put on my jeans and went....and of course, it was their surprise wedding, and there was a sit-down meal (technically a buffet as self-serve, but hot food in courses with wine etc), and pre-warned parents in evening dress and speeches, etc etc.
He seemed slightly taken aback but not that bothered by the change of plans but I was totally mortified that I'd turned up dressed so inappropriately, to a sit down meal without flagging my dietary requirements, with no gift, and also had to sit through a whole wedding ceremony with a guy that weddings hadn't really been mentioned around yet.

I wouldn't have a dress code, personally. The whole point of doing it like this is to be relaxed and so it doesn't matter if some are more dressed up than others. And if it were me, the LAST person I would plan to tell in advance would be my mother. That would ensure that the whole week beforehand would be the most stressful week of my life (and probably hers). Just have it as a surprise for everyone.

Great idea, congratulations! You could have a guest book for people to write in and that would "replace" not having wedding cards (and some people might want to send them afterwards anyway).

We eloped and it was the best way to get married. I did feel a bit sad when trying on dresses on my own but that was it.