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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surprise wedding

76 replies

whyohwhyisthishappening · 06/07/2020 21:53

First time posting but long time lurker!
Been with my OH for 10ish years. Been together since we were 16. We own our own house and have a DS. We've been engaged for the past 4 or so years but we haven't got married yet mostly because of money. When we first got engaged, we were renovating our house and so finances were tight. Then our son came along and so now we don't have as much disposable income as we had previously.

We are not the most sociable of people and have family members who can be quite difficult so we've always wanted an informal and small wedding. Neither of us is after the traditional church wedding and we hate the thought of having 150 peoples' attention on us. Not putting anybody down whose dream that is, its just not us!

We are the same age and our birthdays are a month or so apart. We will be turning 30 in two years time and so I've thought this is the perfect opportunity to organise our wedding but keep it a surprise.

So I'm thinking we invite 40 or so friends and family to our joint 30th birthday party but when they turn up on the evening, its actually our wedding. We have the ceremony, buffet style food (not sausage roll style but more buffet than traditional three course meal) and a bit of dancing. This keeps the pressure off as nobody will know/be able to demand so and so gets to come/hassle us for months before to know all the details etc.

My OH is totally on board for this and we think we've found a venue. Already discussed the possibility of a surprise wedding with the venue and they like the idea and have said it'll be do-able.

My AIBU is this..
Am I being unreasonable in thinking we can pull this off?

P.S. what points come to mind straight away that make you think this might be a complete disaster?

OP posts:
BrummyMum1 · 06/07/2020 23:56

I did something similar but confessed it was our wedding a couple of weeks before. For a 30th people might not go too far out of their way to attend e.g. cancelling other plans or travelling far (it’s only a birthday party). But those same people might make the effort to go if it’s your wedding.

wibdib · 07/07/2020 03:06

My aunt and uncle did this - they’d been together for years, had several dc, then suddenly decided they would get married as they realised the pitfalls and problems they could experience if something happened to one of them and decided for the sake of the kids they ought to be married but they weren’t keen on the wedding bit.

They had a registry office wedding with siblings and nephews/nieces plus the one set of parents still alive. We all then went out for a very nice lunch.

That evening they had a big party for lots of friends as well as family. Half way through, after the main course had been demolished, they put out some puddings including a big white rectangular cake. As my uncle was carrying it through to put down, somebody sitting (so couldn’t see the decoration on the top!) made a joke about needing to be careful with a white cake as maybe his partner would get ideas and want a wedding cake next - all hahaha and jokey as others joined in - only for him to put it down with a flourish and say well actually... my wife and I have a little announcement we’d like to make about that... 😁

Cue lots of shock and surprise but they did it because they didn’t want fuss or people giving them presents. It was a lovely day and just what they wanted - guests were all nicely dressed for the party but it didn’t matter, nobody felt left out for not being told earlier, definitely they were really glad to have done it.

I got roped in to doing photos (pre-digital day’s)! - as they wanted a pic of everyone there so whereas they know I always have a camera on me, and was more than happy to do it I needed to know in advance to have plenty of spare film and charged batteries.

So my tip would be to think about what you want as pictures of the day - do you want a photographer even just for an hour or two, or do you have a couple of friends that you could ask to take pictures for you to make sure you get some key ones then supplement with everyone else’s photos taken at the event.

Purpleartichoke · 07/07/2020 04:15

I know someone who did something similar. They didn’t even bother dressing up because that just isn’t their style. They are still married, wow, I’d have to guess it’s been 30 years later.

londonscalling · 07/07/2020 04:58

You could just put "please arrive at 7pm for dinner at 7.30pm"

Loveinatimeofcovid · 07/07/2020 05:05

I’ve been to a wedding like this. It was basically a birthday party with a marriage ceremony. It was great, best ‘wedding’ I’ve attended.

oceanbreezy · 07/07/2020 05:50

How do you know they will arrive on time? A birthday party isn’t the same as a wedding. Perhaps you could have a ‘surprise’ birthday party. So that everyone will arrive on time to surprise you but you’ll be surprising them!

Nandocushion · 07/07/2020 05:51

A cousin of mine did this and everyone was thrilled. It was the best and least-stressful way to get married and I think they have inspired many others. Go for it.

Mascotte · 07/07/2020 06:05

What a great idea! Go for it. I can't think of a downside.

Ohtherewearethen · 07/07/2020 06:29

I think this is a wonderful idea! You get to do things exactly as you want them done. It sounds perfect. I don't think it would be 'kind' to tell people a week before that it's actually a wedding. Imagine being told with a week to go you need to sort out outfits for everyone/get outfits cleaned, gifts bought, etc, what a load of stress for your guests! You can suggest a dress code on the in invitations for sure and anyone who ignores it, well that's up to them. You can talk to you mum/MIL about how fancy you're planning the party to be so they can choose appropriate outfits if you think they'd be upset otherwise. Definitely say on the invitations that food will be served at X time. Ultimately, the people you are likely to want there the most will be the ones who make the effort to be there.
It sounds so exciting, I wish you all the luck!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/07/2020 06:53

I once went to just such a surprise wedding do - a party where the couple - one of whom was a colleague of mine - announced that they’d just got married.

It was lovely, but we were all working abroad an 8 hour flight from the U.K. and families, so a bit different.

I might be a bit concerned about close family taking offence or sulking about not being informed/involved, but only you know your nearest and dearest and I dare say they’d get over it soon enough.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/07/2020 06:56

PS, FWIW I’d be quite happy if a long-partnered dd did this, rather than the big (lovely) wedding the other dd had.

FlamingoQueen · 07/07/2020 07:09

I think it sounds like a fabulous idea. Re the Registrar - could you get married at lunchtime with your parents as witnesses (you could pretend you were inviting them for lunch) and then announce in the evening that you got married at lunchtime?
I think a secret wedding idea is brilliant.

Pinot4me · 07/07/2020 07:16

I know somebody who did something similar. Everyone thought they were going to a christening. Once the christening was over, they announced that they were getting married too. No fuss and a lovely idea!

Zeusthemoose · 07/07/2020 07:16

Fantastic idea op

BurtsBeesKnees · 07/07/2020 07:28

My friends did this. We were invited to celebrate her 50th birthday, turned up on the evening. About a 1/4 if the way through, the lights went on and dj said 'please make way for the bride' she walked down the middle of the room to her dh, they did a quick 5 min ceremony with the registrar, and bobs your uncle, they were married Grin

I think it's a lovely idea and we certainly had a fantastic time

thatcarolebaskinbitch · 07/07/2020 07:43

Sounds perfect OP. I know a couple who have just done similar. They had been engaged about the 6 months when one of them was offered a job in the US however the visa was only going to cover him unless they were married. His girlfriend had a 30th birthday party coming up so they decided to keep the whole move to America secret from everyone apart from a few witnesses and got married in a hotel 2 days before her 30th party. Then at the party they arrived in suit/wedding dress and explained to everyone how they had got married 2 days earlier and were moving to America the next month. There were lots of tears (happy and sad!) but it was a great night Smile

Marmite27 · 07/07/2020 07:45

We were invited to a friends child’s christening, when we got there, they were getting married too. It was a lovely day.

MrsCollinssettled · 07/07/2020 07:53

Had you thought about doing it now? Keeps numbers low, and you can use Covid as an excuse for not doing things how other people want you to do it.

Otherwise go for it as long as you can keep it secret. The minute you start thinking that you need to let A know so that they can get a sitter, let B know so that they come etc it could quickly unravel. Have you any close relatives who would create a scene about not being "properly" dressed at the event? How would you tackle that?

Personally I wouldn't care what people were wearing and a surprise wedding would be an ideal way of overcoming the stresses of the day and all the unnecessary expenditure that you get drawn into by the wedding industry.
Whatever you do have a lovely day and a very happy marriage. Flowers

isthiswalter · 07/07/2020 07:58

Sounds a great idea, friends of mine did the same but with their child's christening and it worked brilliantly.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/07/2020 08:00

I love this idea! I also think it sounds like it has far less stress potential than a wedding-wedding. Congratulations on your decision!

Bmidreams · 07/07/2020 08:01

Oh no! I went to one of these! It had been a long journey so we had a sleep and turned up about an hour after the start time, as we'd probably normally do, and we'd missed the whole thing! So disappointing!

PornStarHotChocolate · 07/07/2020 08:02

You should get married now, while the pandemic is on. You're only allowed 30 guests so perfect excuse to have a low key wedding & not invite the awkwards. Plus there'll be a lot of slots available as people postpone their big fat weddings.

HeistSociety · 07/07/2020 08:46

I know a couple recently who had some friends round for dinner (pre-Covid), announced they'd be getting married, celebrant arrived, they had the ceremony in the kitchen! And then sat down for dinner/dessert.

I say go for it!

Felifox · 07/07/2020 08:59

It sounds like it could be fun. You could invite your guests to join you in celebrating your 30's in style with cocktails and canapes at say 7:30 sharp followed by dinner and dancing. I always associate cocktails with the 30's and art deco so you could use that as a design and put smart cocktail dress on the invite or suggest 30's style.

Then when they arrive confuse your guests by having an arch of wedding balloons, and have some confetti on hand for them to throw. Get someone to video guests' reaction when they realise it's also a wedding.

IndiaMay · 07/07/2020 09:10

I've heard of a few people doing this and it's always worked well. I think just tell people to be there for x time and then start the ceremony half an hour later so that avoids the awkwardness of people being late.

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