To think my baby would be better off without me

[Scaredmum1995]

I don’t know why I’m posting here, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I just feel so sad. I had a baby three months ago and though my pregnancy had complications physically, mentally I felt better than ever. The first week after he was born the baby blues hit me hard but they subsided after a few days. But then I started developing OCD. I have absolutely awful, horrendous thoughts that make me feel like a monster. It is making it so hard to bond with my baby because my mind is consumed with them. I’m on so much medication but it’s not helpful. I’m crying all the time. Everyone’s saying what a good partner my boyfriend is and how he’s such a good dad and I’m so lucky but nobody ever says it about me so it’s clear I’m a rubbish mum. Who wants a mum who’s always upset and conked out on medication. I feel he would be better off without me

You are not a rubbish mum. Go to your GP and seek help, life can be so much nicer for you and your baby definitely deserve that. X

Hang in there, it gets better. A family member had terrible PND and she now has a lovely relationship with her child - she is not and was not a terrible mother and neither are you.

OP your baby will NOT be better off without you. You’re his or her mother and they adore you. You sound like you’ve had such a tough time, this does NOT make you a bad mother.

Please seek some support - have you spoken to your husband about how you are feeling?

My partner knows. He’s supportive. But I can’t open up about the thoughts because they are so horrendous and I don’t want them to take my baby away. I’m waiting for CBT but it seems like it’s never going to happen. I love my baby so much but feel like I am failing him and he deserves better. I feel like he smiles at everyone much more than me now and i feel like maybe he doesn’t love me as much anymore.

OP your baby would never be better off without you.
You're I'll and need help. It can take time to get the meds right. Ignore what people say about your partner, I'm sure hes great but so are you despite going through all this.
Please hang on in there, try your GP again or perhaps a different one?
Congratulations on your little boy.

Hi Scaredmum, so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Please get the help you deserve. If you can keep yourself safe until morning please contact your gp first thing, let them know you need an emergency appointment. If you don’t feel like you can keep yourself safe please call the out of hours number and let them know your situation.
Your child will NEVER be better off without you! I’m sorry for “shouting” with the never but I’ve been there myself after the birth of my first DC. I convinced myself that my DH and DC would be better off without me. I’m not going to say life has been a bed of roses since and I’m not, nor ever will be the “perfect parent” but I’m grateful to be there for my DC and see them grow up. An imperfect mum is far better than no mum.
Please stay safe and I hope this thread provides some comfort for you at this difficult time. 🤗

OP is this medication you were on before the baby was born, or only since? Either way, you may need to have your medication reviewed and/or have the dosages looked at if you don't feel like they're helping. When did you last speak to your GP/health visitor?

I know that what you're feeling right now is unbelievably tough, but you're not a monster and nor are you a bad mum. Postnatal mental health problems are so, so common and just like physical problems they need to be treated until you're well again.

It's great that you have a supportive partner. Don't take people's comments about that to heart; I think it's just something people seem to say about male partners when they do their fair share because there's a lot who unfortunately still don't.

Do you have other family around too to help and support you?

You poor thing. It’s exhausting and scary having intrusive thoughts. Are you on medication at all?
First stop is your GP. Please go. You have not done anything bad. Thoughts are just that, thoughts, you have not done any bad action as a result of them.
This is actually really common and treatable, CBT will help but medication is also really helpful and will kick in quickly.

Oh lovely, please see your GP again and tell them the medication isn't working. Your baby needs you, and you are and will be a great mum. Two close friends of mine were hospitalised after giving birth, one with PND and one with post natal psychosis. Both conditions were caused by chemical imbalance, and both fully recovered. Their children are now adults who love their mums to bits. This is a phase and you will get through it, but you need help. Please seek help and keep reminding yourself that this is a phase and one day you will look back on this difficult time and see it for what it is.

Sorry I just reread that yes you are on medication. What are you taking? It could be that it doesn’t suit you or the dosage isn’t right

Everyone says that about men if they change one nappy the female members of their family think they are dad or the year. It is not a reflection of you or your mother king skills at all.

If you were a bad mum you wouldn’t even be worrying about this, you need to see your GP and get the help you and your family deserve.

Please get in touch with your GP tomorrow morning X

You really don’t need to worry about your baby being taken off you. Your baby does need you and it’s clear that you love them and are doing your absolute best. Please be honest so that you can get he help you need.

I think a lot of women struggle with their mental health post-partum. I certainly did, & so do many, many others. Becoming a mum is the biggest thing you’ll ever do, & it does change you, & your life. There’s no easy transitioning into parenthood; the demands are great & whilst there are feelings of elation, love & pride, there are times where you are simply overwhelmed. No-one will judge you, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s the hardest job going.

Go back to your GP & explain how you’re feeling. Maybe the meds you’re on aren’t the right ones, or the dosage is wrong.

I’m sure to your baby, you’re the best mum in the world. Be kind to yourself in these early days.

I have never, ever come across a bad mother who thinks they're a bad mother. It appears to me that to care enough to think you're a bad mother actually means you're a good mother.

OCD is horrendous and the intrusive thoughts can be sickening. It isn't you, they're not your thoughts. You're not a bad mom.

I hope the CBT comes around quickly. There are forums for OCD if that might help? It helped me to see that no matter how dark I felt things were, other people had the same sort of thing.

Hang on in there, you're the best mom for your baby and nobody would be judging you for a broken leg would they?
Hope things start to look up very soon for you

@Scaredmum1995

My partner knows. He’s supportive. But I can’t open up about the thoughts because they are so horrendous and I don’t want them to take my baby away. I’m waiting for CBT but it seems like it’s never going to happen. I love my baby so much but feel like I am failing him and he deserves better. I feel like he smiles at everyone much more than me now and i feel like maybe he doesn’t love me as much anymore.

They won't take your baby away. I know it must be awful to say out loud some of the thoughts you're having - could you write a letter to your partner? It sounds like PND and there is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of whatsoever but the Dr's cannot treat you properly if they are not fully aware of how bad it is. Your baby will definitely not be better off without you. The praise for your partner and how good he is, is unfortunately a sign that there is still too much misogyny in the world and how unexpected it is for father's to be stepping up to be as hands on as they should be

I had really bad thoughts too OP. They got better as time went on... my dd is 2.4 now. Sometimes they come and go but we need to remind ourselves.. (it's not us, it's cruel cruel mental health)

Keep taking your medication, and take each day. I promise you, it will get better.

And ignore what the in-laws say about your partner. THEY WILL ALWAYS DO THIS. Next it be "awww just daddy's child, just like daddy" it's just in-laws for you. Don't take no notice of them

X

You’re not failing him. You’re a good mother, a good mother wouldn’t reach out and wouldn’t be questioning themselves.
I developed PND with my first DC and I know roughly how you feel - please go to your GP. You’ll feel so relieved when you do. Big hugs OP. You’re a good mum.

I was on medication before pregnancy for mental health issues that have always worked and I’m still on them, but this OCD is new. I’m taking sertraline and I was taking olanzapine but it made me sleep so much so I came off it. Now I’m taking pregabalin but I’m only a few days in.

Mothering skills*

Hi OP I just wanted to say, OCD is a really horrendous condition that can make you feel absolutely terrible about yourself. I've been suffering with it since I was 18 and know how it can suck the joy out of life sometimes. It can get worse pre- and post-birth. CBT does work really well, and it's great that you are on the waiting list for that. Would private CBT via zoom be a possibility for you? If so I can PM you the details of someone brilliant who has been working with me during my pregnancy and it's made a huge difference. Main thing to remember is you are not a bar person for having horrible thoughts. It's because you care so much about your son that your thoughts are fixated on him. I know you're a fantastic mum although your brain is trying to trick you otherwise. You're the perfect mum for your baby.

I said yanbu because you aren’t being unreasonable but you’re defo not a rubbish Mum!

People never say to women how well they are doing - it’s infuriating!

Do you have support from the perinatal mental health team? You can speak to your HV about a referral.

I've been where you are and it really is a marathon not a sprint. I couldn't talk about my third baby as if they were a person for the first couple of weeks of my PND and at the height before I got support a neighbour stopped me in the street from where I was walking to a bridge in a thunderstorm.

I am not ashamed and you have no reason to either - you are a brilliant mum who is battling an invisible enemy.

See your gp ASAP, I too had pnd and intrusive thoughts are they are awful but there is help out there you just need to reach out, of course you’re a lovely mum you just can’t see it just now, it’s very difficult and your baby needs mum. I hope you find your gp helpful the health visitor also is a good resource for support and help
Take care op and hope things improve soon it will take a bit of time though