To think my baby would be better off without me

[Scaredmum1995]

I don’t know why I’m posting here, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I just feel so sad. I had a baby three months ago and though my pregnancy had complications physically, mentally I felt better than ever. The first week after he was born the baby blues hit me hard but they subsided after a few days. But then I started developing OCD. I have absolutely awful, horrendous thoughts that make me feel like a monster. It is making it so hard to bond with my baby because my mind is consumed with them. I’m on so much medication but it’s not helpful. I’m crying all the time. Everyone’s saying what a good partner my boyfriend is and how he’s such a good dad and I’m so lucky but nobody ever says it about me so it’s clear I’m a rubbish mum. Who wants a mum who’s always upset and conked out on medication. I feel he would be better off without me

Not much to add to the great advice upthread but I just wanted to add my voice to say you're going to be ok. I had the intrusive thoughts too and could have written your post but I know now I'm a phenomenal mum and I always was, the brain chemicals just didnt let me see it at the time. I can tell from your post what a lovely person you are. You will get help, things will get better and you will have a lovely future being an amazing mum to your child.

It sounds like you may be suffering from postnatal depression. I strongly recommend contacting your doctor and asking for support. Your not a rubbish mum you simply need more support. Talk to your partner about your concerns. I think it may be worth asking them to review your medication as maybe it is not the correct fit for you. It's tough when they are little with all the sleepless nights so you are not alone. Just ask for the help you need. I really hope you get some support. If you cannot talk to your partner try your mum or someone you trust. Best of luck.

OP I was in a mother and baby unit with perinatal OCD (horrific intrusive thoughts about being a danger to baby) back in January.

I felt I would never get better. I was in a bottomless black hole. My baby wasnt safe with me. I was an evil mother. I walked into A&E to tell them everything, expecting to be sectioned and have my baby taken off me. I saw the on duty psychiatrist, who due to my suicidal feelings, kept me in overnight before referring me to the unit.

The unit saved my life, and my relationship with my daughter. I was absolutely broken when I went in, I couldn't even be in the same room as her.

I dont even recognise the woman I was back then. Now, I am just a normal mum. The thoughts happen once or twice a day and don't bother me, compared to the bombardment of literally thousands a day i had before.

Please please please refer yourself for urgent help, preferably a MBU. They are INCREDIBLE and will help you to achieve what you never thought possible. I would either phone 111 and ask them to refer you to the emergency psychiatrist, or make an emergency GP appointment and ask for a similar referral. Do not hold anything back, no matter how shameful. They wont see it as any indication of you as a person, just how extreme your illness is.

You WILL get better but you need to make those first difficult steps.

Please PM me at any time if you wish

OP have you read any of Bryony Gordon's books and/or podcast? She suffers from Pure O form of OCD and has written some great books about it (often hilarious, often very sad) Really worth a read and may help xx

You're not a bad mum, you're ill. Bad mums neglect and or abuse their children - you love your son so much you don't believe you are good enough for him. Please seek and accept help. You are NOT a bad mum. And the good news is, a 3 month old won't actually know that you're stressed upset or 'conked out' on meds, just that you're the one he loves the smell of, the one he loves to see smile and the one who makes him feel safe. Please keep posting here if you feel overwhelmed, so many amazing women here who have been where you are and have come out the other side. It will get better, don't give up xx

Reported @ipooedinthesink for trolling a number of posts today. Ignore them.

People say your partner is a good dad because standards are so much lower for men. Honestly, try telling someone he changed ONE nappy and they'll be singing his praises, and despite the fact you might have changed a hundred you'll get nothing because it's expected of you.

Your baby has known you nearly a year. You have been their while world, quite literally, for most of that time. To them you are the most important person in the world and they love you the most. They may not show it because, in their mind, they are still part off you. When was the last time you showed your left hand some love???

Please go and give them a cuddle, and speak to your GP.

Please speak to your gp or hv today. You have reached out and as everyone has said lots of new mums feel this to different degrees, but you do need help and support. I remember standing at a window in the hospital after having my ds and thinking how I had not felt the rush of love for him that everyone said I would, I felt such a failure. I now know that many women feel this but at that point I thought something was wrong with me. Ask for help, please .

Are you getting enough sleep? When my first baby never slept and was awake 8+ times a night I started having very dark thoughts. I became angry at my baby and all I could do was put my baby down in his cot and leave the room while he screamed because I honestly couldn’t take it anymore. I was just not very good at settling his screams. I was sure social services would be contacted because the neighbours would have just heard my baby screaming all the time. I felt useless but he’s grown into a strong willed but delightful and kind child (he is now three). It feels like an eternity but this phase will pass and you will feel differently in the future.

OP, intrusive thoughts are terrifying but they don't mean anything - you aren't a monster, you're just not well at the moment. I'm sure you know this, but intrusive thinking is your anxiety and OCD. This isn't who you are and suffering with it doesn't make you a bad mother. I say this as someone who also suffered from horrifying intrusive thoughts when my baby was tiny. It was much worse when I was sleep deprived and I was so frightened and ashamed of it, but I realise now that it's a form of catastrophic thinking that I had very little control over. "What is the worst thing I could possibly do/that could possibly happen right now?" It doesn't mean you want those things to happen, let alone that they will. It is a symptom of your hyper-vigilent, hyper-anxious state and I promise it won't be like this forever.

You are the best person in the world to look after your baby. You will feel better and this will get easier. Let other people help you, and remember to be kind to yourself.

You need to speak to your GP and if possible make an an appointment today. Post natal depression or post natal (psychosis/mental health deterioation) is real and can affect any new mum after the birth of their baby. It's mainly to do with sudden drops in hormones and it can affect the brain quite severely in some people. Go to your GP and they will most likely prescribe anti depressants for a while and also offer you some counselling. You are not alone in feeling like this and you need some help and support. On a positive note post natal depression etc usually goes away after a few months, but you need these your GP.

@Scaredmum1995 how are you feeling today? Have you been able to speak to someone about getting some support in place?