To think my baby would be better off without me

[Scaredmum1995]

I don’t know why I’m posting here, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to and I just feel so sad. I had a baby three months ago and though my pregnancy had complications physically, mentally I felt better than ever. The first week after he was born the baby blues hit me hard but they subsided after a few days. But then I started developing OCD. I have absolutely awful, horrendous thoughts that make me feel like a monster. It is making it so hard to bond with my baby because my mind is consumed with them. I’m on so much medication but it’s not helpful. I’m crying all the time. Everyone’s saying what a good partner my boyfriend is and how he’s such a good dad and I’m so lucky but nobody ever says it about me so it’s clear I’m a rubbish mum. Who wants a mum who’s always upset and conked out on medication. I feel he would be better off without me

That is a possibility and would be great if you could inbox me the details @cafedesreves I would really appreciate that. Thank you so much

I had intrusive thoughts and they were terrifying. I told my partner and he looked horrified and said along the lines of "how could you even say that?" It's very sadly common and in no way makes you a bad mum. Are you getting out op? Is there anyone you can talk to?

OP please don’t take comments about your partner to heart. People do tend to comment on new dads being “good dads” and rarely say anything about the mother. I noticed it too.

If the medication isn’t helping, see your GP again. You don’t have to put up with this.

I’ll be blunt here, but I think you’ll need to hear it. Your baby would never get over the loss of you. For their entire life.

All the ill mums think they're terrible mothers and that SS will take their babies away. That's a symptom of the illness, lovely. Been there, crawled my way out. It's like taffy, it feels impossible, but there is hope.

I read something years ago, which always stayed with me. If you commit suicide, you give your own children an example of doing the same. I know that sounds terrible but it made perfect sense to me - and it stuck with me to my benefit.

You have to stay, not only because you are NOT a bad mother and your baby DOES need you, but also because your baby needn't have the legacy of your suicide if that can ever possibly be avoided.

Stay. For your child. Because they need YOU. 💐

Do you have the type of OCD called pure o, op? My bff does. She bravely opened up to me about her thoughts. They were as you say, the worst things she could imagine and hugely distressing for her. But I knew she would never do those things, from an outsider perspective it just was not believable for a moment that she would do them. I think with therapy she figured out that those thoughts were her worst case scenarios and the things she would actually just never want to happen or do. So kind of an indication that her judgements and beliefs were good, not the horrible things she feared. I'm sure she could explain better. Medication also helped, and OP she's so much better now. You can get better too.

Oh bless you. I had exactly this - honestly the intrusive thoughts I had were truly awful and I remember walking to the gp convinced I couldn't be a mother and how to leave.

I told my gp because I thought I deserved for them to be taken away if that's what I was thinking. She took my hand, told me I wasn't alone then got me a mh referral. I was able to access swiftly through my work private cover - is that an option for you?

Medication sorted me out. It truly truly did and the thoughts went away. I'm still prone to anxiety but I've had cbt and it's managed. I never had those horrible thoughts again though.

Please do ask for more help. It is there for you honestly

I am not ashamed and you have no reason to either - you are a brilliant mum who is battling an invisible enemy

Very wise words.

Don’t think too much of people just complimenting your partner on being a good parent but not you. It’s almost as if society expects a mother to be a good parent and will not praise her but put men who are good parents on a pedestal. So I don’t think you’re not being complimented for any other reason than that.

I listened to a program on R4 where someone was on to encourage mothers to report pnd as they think lots don’t because they think ss will take the baby away. She said the worst that’ll happen is you can be asked to go to a mother and baby unit to be supported. She was very clear on that.

You have an illness. You are not a bad mum. Bad mums hurt their babies, they let men hurt their babies. They don’t post on mumsnet saying I’m not good enough for this child because they don’t care about the baby.

Anyway, let’s be honest, babies are hard work. You are stuck with him now & that’s a good thing for both of you. No one else wants to be up with him doing nappies, that’s for you and his dad.

My dh had mh problems last year & was scared he was going to stab me or hit me & I was in the room when he told the Dr all this & she didn’t bat an eyelid. Dh is twice my weight and nearly a foot taller than me & she never flinched. She just got on with treating the problem.

A thought is not an intention. Any of us could hurt someone at anytime but mostly we don’t.

You don't need to worry AT ALL about being judged a bad mum for having bad thoughts triggered by OCD. It is actually quite a common side effect of becoming a new mum. I saw a documentary about post natal psychosis a while back, and the treatment of the mums and their babies was very sympathetic and supportive - some of the women had dreadful problems to solve. Honestly it is FAR better to get the help you need, to open up to your GP or HV. Problems improve when you tackle them, you can't ignore this. Imagine if you thought you had cancer, you would go to the doctor and get it checked out, get treated. This is no different - it is a health issue, just of a different kind.

Your baby and your partner both love you and need you. Give yourself a huge hug, be the bravest version of yourself you can possibly be, and start tomorrow with a plan to get the help you need.

PS, some people make a fuss of daddies because there is still sometimes an old-fashioned and sexist assumption that any effort by a dad to help or bond with a new born baby is incredible parenting and deserves a huge amount of praise and wonderment. It's not fair, is it, when you have gone through the pregnancy and birth, the pain and anguish both physical and mental, and now you aren't getting any credit at all for that or the early months which are so hard to handle. Just let any of their stupid comments wash over you, it is irritating but i doubt it is intended to be a slight on you, or hurtful. Just thoughtless.

OP I had the most awful PND after DS was born. To the point of being suicidal. I got help and the right medication and a few weeks later I felt much better. A few months later I felt like myself. You aren't a bad mum and neither am I. We just have other battles going on.

Your baby won't be better off without you! You are probably doing much better than you think, the first few months are really tough! Hang in there, it will get better xx

I have ocd too - the intrusive thoughts will hit you so hard if you're not used to fighting them. also worth noting that they grab on to whatever you love most.
I will caution you not to disclose the content of your thoughts to a HP who does understand ocd. These thoughts are totally ego dystonic but they sound alarming to those who don't know about them.
Maybe give one of the ocd charities a call (Ocd uk)

Sorry you're going through this - stay strong, better days are ahead.

@Scaredmum1995 I've sent it. I hope helpful!

Who does not, sorry

You're not alone, and your child would not be better off without you. I used to think that OCD was about handwashing etc and although an anxious person, hadn't struggled really before. But when I was pregnant with my first child I had the most horrendous experience with intrusive thoughts. I thought these thoughts meant I must be unstable and I started to panic that I might lose the plot. I needed a lot of support, was a total mess. It took me 6 months of therapy to say out loud what the thoughts were and my therapist didn't bat an eye. She gave me some reading on intrusive thoughts and with lots of time and cbt I got better. I was monitored by the local perinatal mental health team who also reassured me my thoughts were not uncommon. There was never the slightest suggestion that my child be taken away. Pick someone who knows their stuff and talk to them about these thoughts because the longer you keep them locked up, the more power they have over you.

My husband and I said we would never have another child because of what we went through but after 6 years I felt strong enough to have another, luckily no problems this time.

When you eventually overcome this, you will be stronger for it and a better mum. Just take a day at a time and look for the small achievements. And talk to people who understand. Xxx

Also waiting for referrals for cbt through the NHS takes forever. If you possibly can, pay for private sessions. The sooner you have therapy the sooner you can start to recover. Xx

I have no experience with OCD, but intrusive thoughts are terrifying. I had a lot of them, especially during the night, after my baby that still scare me now to remember. I was too afraid to tell anyone and scared shitless 'they' were going to take him away from me because I couldn't feed him. I started antidepressants when he was around 6 months old due to constant fantasies about suicide. Still on them now he's almost 18 months, although I feel fine now (albeit with my usual mild anxiety, but that's my normal).

Obviously the standard sertraline that has helped me so much isn't enough for you. Please speak to your gp again. You are your baby's world, and you need to get well to enjoy the amazing future you will have together.

People never say the things to mums that mean so much, heaping praise on the dads instead. It sucks, it's a norm we need to change in society.

OP you're not a bad mum and your baby would most definitely not be better off without you.

I have been where you are and I remember the awful intrusive thoughts postpartum. Remind yourself that's all they are, passing thoughts, and not a reflection of who you are or your ability to parent. Acknowledge them and let them pass. Don't be disturbed by them.

It's alot more common than you'd think. Almost all people have intrusive thoughts at one point or another, it's just that when you are postpartum and completely off kilter they are magnified x10.

It does get better I can promise you that.

I'm %60 recovered from my mental ill health now but still get the intrusive thoughts sometimes, particularly if I'm anxious (I also have GAD)

I remember walking down the street and having to pass a big articulated lorry that was moving slowly in bad traffic. The wheels were huge and I couldn't shake the thought of myself and my pram (with baby in) being crushed under the wheels.

Similarly when I'm at a train station I hate being on the platform when one is departing as I always have intrusive thoughts about jumping into the gap between the train and the platform.

Passing a building site I had horrible thoughts about a brick being thrown at my babies head.

I'm not suicidal, violent or disturbed and I would never do either of those things so because I'm aware of what they are, just anxious thoughts, they don't bother me much anymore.

Often times these intrusive thoughts are manifestations of the worst case scenario in the moment and things that would frighten/hurt us or somebody else - they aren't an indication that we're capable of doing them or that we actually want to.

On a light hearted note, when I used to sit down for a cup of tea with my dear old mum I would get the intrusive thoughts/urge to throw it over her. It makes me laugh in hindsight as it's so ridiculous and I would never do it.

I found researching 'Pure O' helped me come to terms with things.

You're not a monster and you're a danger to your baby.

Yes as parents men get approval for things that women just do as standard. I guarantee that nobody is thinking that you're a bad mum - maybe they think that you're so capable that they don't have to comment?

Please do get help though. Nobody is going to think worse of you for doing so and you'll make the next few months of your life a lot easier if you don't delay!

You're a good mum

Hey OP you've had wonderful advice here. My little one is 18 months now, and I suffered in a similar way to what you describe. If it helps it feels like a distant memory now. Things will get better, but please in the meantime seek help.
You are doing amazing. Please don't think otherwise.

I hope OP that reading this you realise that you're not alone and what your experiencing is very common. I had and still have intrusive thoughts too, my mind spirals into worse case scenarios of what would happen if I drive off a bridge, if there was a fire, if there was an intruder in my house, if I dropped my baby. I work myself into such a panic and the thoughts are horrifying. I find talking about them with my husband helps. I'm pregnant again and I am wondering whether to speak to my midwife about it this time round. I never told a professional last time.

Sending love and lots of sympathy- I promise things will get better! I felt exactly the same after my first but now he is 22 months and we are both happy and healthy I’m not sure if all areas have access to this but I was referred by the GP and my health visitor to the local perinatal mental health team who were amazing - lots of support and home visits. I’m now pregnant again and they’ve assured me I can use the service as soon as I need to - once you are on their books you can have access to them as long as you need. How are you sleeping? I struggled so much with anxiety and PTSD from the birth I couldn’t sleep even when baby was sleeping. GP eventually suggested I take a strong sleeping pill once a week and express enough milk for husband to do night feeds- this worked wonders in helping me think more clearly and feel more stable emotionally (it was zopiclone he prescribed). definitely ask for a medication review too- I’m not familiar with what you are taking but wonder if it tackles anxiety/PND or more the OCD aspect? citalopram has been great for me over the years (took before pregnancy, higher dose postnatally and now back on a slightly lower dose) I imagine not having the outlet and social aspect of baby groups in lockdown hasn’t helped either- hopefully those will reopen soon and give you a chance to connect with other mums

You are a GOOD MUM

You are fighting this, reaching out for help and taking medication.

You are ALSO caring for your baby, no doubt your dh too and recovering from pregnancy and birth.

I have ocd, I believe I've had it all my life and the research tends to back this up that it's innate. But I wasn't dx until Dd was 4 and I am certain that undx PND was a major factor.

The thoughts are not yours, they are this bastard bullying illnesses! Fuck it! Get angry at it, tell it to fuck off!

Meds are tricky it can take time to find the right ones for you and also it can take a while for them to start working and unfortunately sometimes they make you feel worse for a while until they start working.

I also agree with pp, something that's kept me going at my darkest points is knowing that if I did take my life it would make it so much more likely dd would also suffer depression and perhaps do the same. Not to mention the anguish loved ones go through after a suicide - even if they were babies at the time.

The BEST thing you can do for your baby is fight the bastard! Break what you have to do each day down into manageable chunks and try not to do too much.

Eventually you will be able to do more each day and you WILL get better.

It's a gradual thing and not every day will be an improvement - that's normal that's life, some days are great some are shit! On the shit days remind yourself they're not all and will not all be shit!

As for people not telling you you're a good mum in real life - it means nothing!

Men are so shit at parenting in our society that even doing the bare minimum attracts praise.

Ignore it!

Re smiles from baby - fake it till you make it. Babies just copy, if you smile he'll smile and as a bonus there's research that shows that even fake smiling improves our mood! Make a game of it, pull silly faces or whatever and you may well find it helps, as will seeing baby smiling back at you.

Please please keep talking/posting/reading whatever helps.

I have had MORE than my share of late night calls to mh services and helplines and on chat boards - anything to distract when I couldn't sleep. So do that, do whatever it takes to help.

Sending you SO MANY heartfelt wishes for peace of mind, good mental health and LOVE! We can never give or receive too much love. Love yourself as much as you love that baby you are worthy and special and kind and caring and you deserve to get through this!