Controlling or not?

[WizenedFilly]

DH and I have been together 10 years.
We have 4 children.
Before we got together I was always a big believer in woman are equal to men and therefore jobs at home etc are shared out.
Over the years, I have come to accept that when I suggest something, I have to make out it is his idea and then it may be a good idea, if that makes sense?
I m hard work at times due to my MH, I know that.
So last year I started a new job, as we were barely surviving on his wage ( we are heavily reliant on WTC)
I work shifts and he is a one man band, but a professional one.
He works 40+ hours a week and I work about 20+. I now earn more than him, as his business isn't doing great.
He has been offered a job by a friend, similar work, but earning 4 x as much as he does now. He has refused the job as he wants to stay his own boss.
I can't increase my hours as I look after the children before and after school/childcare, or if they are poorly or have an inset day or school holidays.
Part of me feels like he is being selfish, but then the other side of me thinks, maybe I am being selfish for wanting more (bigger house for kids etc)
He has been working late the last four weeks. I was asked to go into work Sunday for an hour to do some training with the rest of my team. Granted it was our only day together as a family, but it was AN HOUR!
I asked if I could go into work for said hour and he said no. I ended up asking a few times over the next hour and he kept saying no.
I even said to him I will tell my boss that DH said No, and he said fine!
This is just one example, there are a fair few others.
So my question is
AIBU - he isn't controlling
AINBU - he is controlling
And where do I go from here? I love him and wouldn't have the heart to wreck my marriage over something like this,but I do feel like I am not the person I used to be, as he is the "Head of the household" as such. If he says "No" I don't tend to get much further

Any see voting op, but I wouldn't be asking his permission to go to work. You are not the one wrecking the marriage; because you think that why he will probably dictate to you forever more.
Don't forget that your kids are learning from your relationship - what would you think of your son being like his Dad or your daughter being treated the same way by her husband?

🙈 * I can't see voting

Yes hes controlling, dont ask permission, just go

Oh god, how do I do the vote thing!?
But if I was to go to work, he would make the week awful, ignoring me x

Of course he is. And his reaction to your "defying" him shows it even more.

He's selfish and controlling. And it seems you've known that for a while.

Not allowing you to go to work = controlling

The fact you have to ask his "permission" = controlling

Insisting he is Head of Household = controlling

Punishing you for not doing as you're told (ignoring you, making your week hell) = abusive.

I don't understand how I have gotten into this position. Maybe It is me who puts him at the top!? It isn't his fault then.
But I don't know how to get it back to a normal even keel

No it's not your fault. You've been slowly conditioned to believe it is.

If his controlling attitude is very recent then there may be underlying reasons for his behaviour that can be addressed by you insisting on firm boundaries. He has to respect your right to independence, your own goals and opinions. You have a right to express those needs without fear of punishment.

It has to come from him wanting to change though. Controlling partners are unlikely to change.

Have a look at "Do abusive men change?" Huff post article.

I asked if I could go into work for said hour and he said no.
WHAT????
Why ask?
Does he ask you when he wants to do extra hours at work??
You TELL him!
'I am the main earner now and I am going into work for an hour to do some training. Let me know if I need to stop off for anything on the way back.'

He is abusive and controlling and that is something I think you already know!
Stonewalling abuse! It's a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.
He has absolutely no respect for you or what you do.

I'd be making an exit plan.
Life is way too short for this crap.
You've been abused and controlled for years.
Time to get back to YOU now!

But if I was to go to work, he would make the week awful, ignoring me
He's being very selfish @WizenedFilly and I think, for your own self respect, career progression and potential future salary reasons I think I'd bite the bullet and just go. Don't discuss this again with him in case he "forgets" and just disappears before you have to leave - or see if someone can babysit for you as a Plan B in case he becomes more difficult. You are SUPPOSED to be equal partners not master and servant.

Whilst I understand wanting to be your own Boss, turning down a good job which pays FOUR times more than he's currently on is selfish and controlling. That's not in the interest of the family, surely.

Hope you manage to resolve this. 🌹

Sadly the meeting was yesterday. My boss even said it was mandatory. But I explained if I went my DH would me talk to me. Boss agreed for me to stay home.
I have learnt to make other arrangements if it interferes with his work, but with Covid it is impossible. My parents live overseas, and they would be classed as vulnerable anyway.

But HellsBells surely if I was to say that, I would be saying I was the Head of the House?
I don't think I can leave him. I do love him, I also can't do it to the kids. They are so young.

I cant believe you asked permission to go to work?!

He should have taken that other job for the family.

You say you can't leave because of the kids but is this how you want them to see relationships.....that the woman has to ask the man permission to do something. That's a dreadful example to set.

You should have just said "I am going into work for an hour as I have a meeting I need to go to" and that should have been it. Asking for permission.....it's crazy dude. I know it's an easy cycle to get into, I was married to someone who could be controlling for many years but it just gets worse. The more you pander to him the more controlling he will get.

Bugger asking permission - you should have just told him. You really need to bring the dynamics back in line. He is not in charge if you, you're supposed to be a partnership.

I'm totally in agreement with PPs. You say "I'm going into work for an hour tomorrow" and that's it. Just do it. If he starts behaving like a twat about it then make plans to leave him. Honestly OP, you can't live like this!

By the way, I was married to a man like this. Every time it was "if you go I won't be here when you get back". Well guess what, he was there and I divorced him.

Dozy I completely agree. BUT he is an amazing dad to our children and he does support me when my MH is battered.
I feel it is my fault as I have gotten into the habit of asking things rather than saying or doing, over the years.
Leaving him is easy to say, but the reality is always more complicated

Oh OP

It's not the 50s, there doesnt have to be a 'head of the house', in a normal relationship people normally put what's best for th4 family first. The main earner doing some training for one hour when the other could be home, is for most couples, a no brainer. If couples disagree on something they talk it through and compromise.

'Forbidding' something completely reasonable and getting you to comply, using threats of disproportionate punishment (ignoring for days for the sake of one hour work - what?) Is completely controlling and abusive.

Also I understand that he likes being his own boss but refusing a massive pay increase without discussing it with you and also refusing to parent his own children equally so that you could earn more, is so completely selfish.

If you left him you wouldn't be breaking the family up. You would be showing the kids they don't have to put up with being treated like absolute shit just because of their sex

What is his reason for saying no?

I'm sorry but he sounds like an awful dad, who wont look after his children for one hour so the family can have at least one parent with a decent secure job.

It really isnt your fault. His behaviour is completely his responsibility. He is an adult and chooses to act like this.

Aren't you embarrassed telling your boss you need to ask for permission to go into work for an hour? Didn't your boss show you any concern? Do you have support for your MH?

You told your boss that your husband said you weren't allowed to go to work that day for mandatory training?
For REAL?

Please tell me, word for word what their response was to that..?

yes that is controlling and bullying.

I am amazed you felt the need to ASK, you should be able to tell him, 'l am going to work betwen x and y ' or 'l am going shopping Saturday morning back at 2pm'
It should be normal no big deal, just life as normal.

You have a huge problem op, l am sorry

Why didn't you just tell him you are going? Why on earth do you think you must ask his permission? Does he ask your permission to go to work? This is an extremely controlling relationship and an awful example to set to your children which is why I'd be leaving.

Also l would have been furious he turned down the job !!

Of course your MH is poor if that’s how behaves.