Controlling or not?

[WizenedFilly]

DH and I have been together 10 years.
We have 4 children.
Before we got together I was always a big believer in woman are equal to men and therefore jobs at home etc are shared out.
Over the years, I have come to accept that when I suggest something, I have to make out it is his idea and then it may be a good idea, if that makes sense?
I m hard work at times due to my MH, I know that.
So last year I started a new job, as we were barely surviving on his wage ( we are heavily reliant on WTC)
I work shifts and he is a one man band, but a professional one.
He works 40+ hours a week and I work about 20+. I now earn more than him, as his business isn't doing great.
He has been offered a job by a friend, similar work, but earning 4 x as much as he does now. He has refused the job as he wants to stay his own boss.
I can't increase my hours as I look after the children before and after school/childcare, or if they are poorly or have an inset day or school holidays.
Part of me feels like he is being selfish, but then the other side of me thinks, maybe I am being selfish for wanting more (bigger house for kids etc)
He has been working late the last four weeks. I was asked to go into work Sunday for an hour to do some training with the rest of my team. Granted it was our only day together as a family, but it was AN HOUR!
I asked if I could go into work for said hour and he said no. I ended up asking a few times over the next hour and he kept saying no.
I even said to him I will tell my boss that DH said No, and he said fine!
This is just one example, there are a fair few others.
So my question is
AIBU - he isn't controlling
AINBU - he is controlling
And where do I go from here? I love him and wouldn't have the heart to wreck my marriage over something like this,but I do feel like I am not the person I used to be, as he is the "Head of the household" as such. If he says "No" I don't tend to get much further

You don’t need his permission!
What else is he controlling?

Where does this "head of the household" shit come from?

My grandfather tried this on my grandmother in the 1940s and she told him to get fucked. Seriously.

You are the highest earner, you need to go out to work, you go out to work. End of discussion.

If he doesn't accept this you need to have a long, hard look at whether there is any point in remaining this marriage. You say you love him and don't want to "wreck" the family, but what benefit does someone who contributes little financially or in terms of the good of the household actually bring to the table?

Inmyshed
This is what I wrote

Hello you, DH is adamant I am not allowed to come to the training session this evening. I am really sorry

Boss:
Ok but it's compulsory
But no worries it is cool

Me:
I either come to the training and he will not speak to me for a week, or I stay home

Boss:
Stay home

To be fair I was hoping if I told DH that I was going to message this to my boss, he would change his tune, but it didn't work lol.

Ohhthestats I think it was because it was our day at home, as we have both been working the whole of lockdown, including the weekends x

I think your relationship might be more unhealthy than you think.

The fact that you told your boss about this is either some sort of cry for help or because dh's behaviour has become normalised to you, you think it's normal and fairly reasonable and are even making excuses for him (I'm difficult, it's my fault etc).
You must see the irony of refusing your boss when you are contractually obliged but not daring to argue with your partner?

How are other areas of your life? Has he isolated you from friends and family? Are you allowed to see friends, go out in the evening, have hobbies? Joint finances with equal control of finances?

I sort our finances out, we both have our own accounts and then we have a joint account, which everything goes out of , as in mortgage, childcare, household bills etc.
I still see my friends and family, albeit my parents live overseas so haven't seen them recently (due to Covid)
To be fair we don't really have "hobbies" as such as our lives are consumed with working and looking after the children.
I do see the irony, but it was the easier option x

Is there any possibility that you could have this training session during a normal working day with the trainer? Especially if there might've been someone else who was unavailable for whatever reason? Or is this something computer based you could do online now?

I also don't think you can clearly see how serious this is. Your boss is going to think either you don't give a shit about your job, or wondering whether to contact the police due to your husband keeping you prisoner at the weekend. You'd rather that than ask your husband for something that most people would just tell him. Its not the best thing for you as a family to put your job at risk, it's not the best thing for you and it's not the best thing as a couple to force your partner to stay in with you. It's purely so he can control your behaviour

That is not a normal reaction to someone saying they have a one off training session.He is selfish for not speaking to you if you went into work, what was his reason for not wanting you to go? He’s selfish for turning down a job with a big pay increase.

Andwoosh wasn't given a reason, but think it is because I worked the day before and it was our day together iyswim.
Happynow the training session was a one off, I feel competent in what I do, but it is always nice to have it signed off too.
Just don't know where to go from here

Andwoosh wasn't given a reason, but think it is because I worked the day before and it was our day together iyswim.
Happynow the training session was a one off, I feel competent in what I do, but it is always nice to have it signed off too.
Just don't know where to go from here

I cant tell if he is controlling or if you are giving him power. Stop asking permission like a young child and see how it goes. If he is abusive towards you then he is controlling and abusive.

The way your boss responded makes me think they already have a good idea how constrained you are. They barely blinked and didn't leave any wriggle room, stay home!

So even if you don't think you are in an abusive relationship other people around you do.

Make a start. Believe you are most definitely worth more than doing as you are told. Take back control not your life.

Good luck.

He. Is. Controlling. You.

Recycled, that is what I am worried about. I think it probably is me, as it is easier to ask something than state something.

Wow, that is abusive. I had to go into the office for a day to do something essential that can’t be done from home. Our conversation went like this:
Me:’I’m going into the office on Wednesday’
DH:’ok, what for?’
Me:(explains boring mundane task)
DH: ok well be careful and let me know what train you get home.

That’s how it goes, you tell him, you don’t ask and if he ignores you then just ignore him too.

I think it probably is me, as it is easier to ask something than state something.

That is because he has trained you, by being abusive if you do something he doesn't want you to do. This has happened so many times before, that you know exactly how he will behave afterwards, so you walk on eggshells to avoid him doing something to punish you. He's got you well trained.

Please contact Women's Aid and have a chat with them. Leaving him will be the best thing you could do for your children. Growing up in an abusive household is really damaging for them, and they end up continuing the cycle of abuse when they're adults. Boys become abusive men, girls become abused women. I'm sure you want better for them.

Agree with others. Try to take back some control. If he sulks than so be it. It's difficult because it's become your default position to back down for an easy life? I'm not an expert but it appears you have lost confidence and sight of what is acceptable here. A lack of self esteem is often the result of years of manipulative control.

None of this is your fault though. He is choosing to behave this way. Perhaps he feels threatened by your success at work. Perhaps he grew up with a domineering father and is modelling that.

You need to sit down with him and discuss a plan.
Point out it would be nice for you all if money was a bit easier and that working together, you can make that happen.
Tell him that you can work more hours if he helps you organise that, or that he could take the job with his friend. Ask him what he thinks.

He has behaved badly, but it's easy to drift into unhealthy habits imo.

You need to turn this around now though, because it will get worse if you don't. Your children need to see equal partners working together to create a family home.

I find it so frustrating how there are loads of threads on here where the woman sacrifices her career / goes PT / refuses a great job opportunity / does all the child sick days etc "because my husband earns more than me and we need to protect his job". Of course, it doesn't work the other way when the woman earns more.

OP, if anyone is 'head of the household', you are. You earn more than him, and you keep the household (childcare, chores). What other definition is there? (unless the head of household has to have a penis)

You need to start valuing your job otherwise he never will. You made this weekend session optional when you asked his permission. It wasn't optional, and it was important you went. So you should have told him your work required you to be in the office for a couple of hours. No asking, just facts.

Your job is more important than his job. If you want to increase your hours, you should do. He may need to pickup some of the childcare, but surely that makes sense if he earns less than half what you do?

I think I will try and have a chat with him this evening. I do really appreciate everyone's advice. X

Lannie the other problem is that he is working more than full time hours, but the business isn't succeeding. He has been doing this for over 20 years. Going part time for him will probably not work as the overheads will still be there. Think he really needs to consider this other job, otherwise we are completely fucked!

What was his reason that you couldn't go, was he unable to look after the DC.

Banana, I think it is because it was meant to be our day off together. He is actually much better at looking after the children than I am!

If he's usually a decent bloke / husband / father (and only you can determine that), there might be some argument for treading carefully. Facing up to the fact that his 20+ year business has been a failure could be really quite devastating. I'm not sure of the best way to handle it, but perhaps there are resources online that might help you guide him through denial/anger to an acceptance that he needs to stop.

.. I say 'if he's usually decent', because if he's a lazy sod who's using his self-employed status to avoid chores, and thinks you should do the childcare because he has a penis, feel free to deliver those home truths he so badly needs to hear

Lannie that is part of my problem, it is trying to tell him that the business really isn't viable anymore and I think he will be devastated and probably flatly refuse to do anything about it.

I chickened out talking to him about it last night 🙈