AIBU to consider finally changing DD’s surname, now XH is dead?

[Conflictedingrief]

Name change - Korean lady, rivers of corn, Wooly Hugs etc!

We had a real shock last week - XH had a heart attack at work, and the paramedics could not revive him. He was in his early forties so a total shock. Mixed reactions from me, sad obviously because he was so young and he is my child’s father but mainly a sense of relief that he couldn't hurt us any more.

He was a nasty piece of work, violent, financially and emotionally abusive, I’ve had MANY threads on here about things he’s done including being arrested for DV to his poor fiancé in front of my daughter three times in the space of a couple of years. She is now 11 and has not seen him for many years following this third DV incident and SS involvement. It took a CAHMS referral and months of counselling before she stopped having nightmares - she was terrified of him. He was welcome to call/Skype her but these had dried up to less than once a month, so he wasn’t a present fixture in her life at all. Even though she hadn’t seen him in a long time she is still affected by what she witnessed - she had to do an autobiography for school and wrote in quite harrowing detail about that night, so much so I emailed the teacher just to check it wasn’t going up on a notice board somewhere, as it made for some shocking reading! My poor girl has been through so much - she is safe now though, and I’m doing my best to show her love every day.

We left him when she was 15 months old and he had decided to “teach me a lesson” by sellotaping her into her high chair and cutting her hair off. Since then we have found a little house, got two lovely cats, built a happy life for us. I’ve even met and married the KINDEST and most lovely man you could ever meet, who comes with two lovely kids of his own so our family is complete. DD adores her stepbrother and stepsister and we are really happy.

She has in the past expressed sadness that she is the only one with a different surname. DH, DSS and DSD are all, for eg, Smith, I have double barrelled my maiden name so I am St John Smith, she is Parker (not real names, but same number of syllables). I asked XH many times if he would permit me to add my surname to DD’s name so that she would feel part of the family - he always refused, as a control thing more than anything else, he wasn’t seeing her at all (and certainly wasn’t paying any child maintenance for her - current CSA arrears stand at over 12k!). However, he has now died so I have sole PR. I know it’s early days and it’s still raw, but if DD is still keen shall I do it? Her new surname would be the equivalent of Parker St John Smith which is a HELL of a mouthful, but I think it would be fairer than for eg making Parker a middle name and keeping only mine as surname.

So AIBU to consider this? Or a cold hearted cow as he’s not even in the ground yet?

Did someone mention upthread about the possibility of your current DH adopting DD? Would that be something you could investigate?

@pinkyredrose

I'd drop his surname entirely and give your yours.

Agree with this!

Change her name in keeping with what she wants, and try to do it quickly.

Claim against his estate.

And, finally, it sounds like your DD has half-siblings on his side, and you might need to think about maintaining contact with them.

Yes if your child wants this.

what a horrific thing for you both to go through.

Ask your DD what she wants to do, but that big long name is probably not the best name to give her. Too complicated.

Maybe have a word with your new DH too - is he happy for her to take his name?

I agree with the recommendations for 'known as' at school, and giving her some time. It might be better to consider making it official before GCSEs (though my US diploma is in a name that's never been legally mine so I'm not sure how much it matters if she were to make it official later).

If you start that she'll only change it if she gets married anyway and what's the point in the paper work then?

And she has the ability to change her entire name as an adult, none of that changes what she might want in the next year to do until she gets there.

She'll need to explain the name change in background checks or for immigration for rest her life.

As an immigrant who has had to go through this 3 times in the last year, with 4 'known as', it's really not that big of a deal, especially with electronics forms. Other than ensuring all passports are in the same name (though it took me a few years to get all my paperwork in the same name), I've never had an issue, even when one of them is 'by usage' rather than ever my legal name, but it shows up on my high school diploma (American) because I didn't know that wasn't legal name yet and on a few other documents including my marriage certificate because I just wasn't used to my legal name not being the one I was raised with (and the registrar definitely saw my passport with my then-legal name).

It has never been an issue and has never been questioned or needed to be explained beyond whether it was done by marriage, divorce, deed poll/statutory declaration or usage, throughout several hoops of immigration and through work requiring background checks. I've had more questions about using Ms. than I've ever had for legally changing my entire name or having four 'known as' names with none being the same as what was on my birth certificate.

I think whether she changes it should be up to her, names can be very personal, but the logistics of paperwork in the future should not be considered a barrier to someone who wants to choose a different name and for many of us have nothing to do with ownership and more with who we are and with who we feel we belong.

New DH is very happy for her to take his name, he has already taken his two aside and asked them too and they both said they would be delighted! So no problems from that end.

I’ve just spoken to the CSA to report the bereavement, and the lady there could not have been more lovely. She said that they will collect it from his estate on my behalf - she is personally taking on my case and will keep me regularly posted as to progress. She was so helpful, I’m in tears now - DD finally has a chance to get what she deserves! And as the lady said, it’s not a small sum and could be uni fees or a flat deposit, which could secure her future.

I’d absolutely change it. She can always drop the “Parker” part in time if she wishes. But not yet, I’d wait a few months and then just quietly do it.

I would bring it up straight away. She may feel a little strange as although he was not present and she did not want to be with him, he WAS her father. It would be good to know that she is now 100% part of the new family and sharing the same name as them will be a big part of that. DOn't wait.

What my family did many years ago when family not having the same name was a big deal socially was to keep the original surname as a middle name to provide continuity with documentation.

I would do this as 3 is abit cumbersome.

Definitely give her the option to do it before September but let her know she can do it whenever it suits her.

I wouldn't mention it to her just yet but in a few weeks have a discussion with her. Before you do, think about possible options. I think the 3 surnames is a right mouthful and she might be better just having the same as you. Parker could be a middle name if she wishes but she might wish to drop it.
Collect info on how to register the surname change so that you're ready to go once she has made her decision.

Did he leave a will? If not, she will also be entitled to inheritance as well as back CSA monies.

Also pension, life inher and inservice death grants -so contact his employer.

Sorry for what you both went through. Especially poor dd. I would wait a while. Everything is still raw and she is probably going to experience many emotions in the coming months. So I would see how that goes before making a big change like this.
She may have wanted it when he was alive due to her anger and upset at him, but dont underestimate how these feelings could change now hes gone forever. X

Please please drop his surname entirely.

Your post about his father makes it even clearer that the best way forward for your DD would be to move on entirely from these people, for the rest of her life - why the hell would she want that surname forever in hers to remind her, and to make it easier for her to be traced by his family in the future?

I would start the ball rolling now because if you can make it so that when she arrives at secondary, that's just her name and there's no link at all to your ex's name lurking in the paperwork to keep popping up - that would be great.

I'm very glad that you're free. I would also reply to your ex-FIL along these lines, which will hopefully frighten him off? Then block.

'Dear X. As you are aware, your son's violence and abuse was well known, fully documented to police and social services. As contact with X's family was still under their jurisdiction, I've been obliged to pass on your abusive message to them and to pass on your ID details for their records. I've also been advised to now block your number, which I will do. Please take this as a warning to leave us alone. Many thanks, OP'

Nicely official, completely polite, doesn't say they'll be in touch or anything. Incidentally I WOULD pass the message on.

Speaking from experience, grief is complicated, weird and messy. And can be even more so when the dead person is someone you had a difficult relationship with in life.

I think, unless your daughter brings it up, I wouldn't touch the topic for maybe 6 months. Leave her in peace to think all her thoughts and deal with her emotions. Because, for all that he was an abusive waste of space, he was still her father. There's grief over losing someone you knew, but also grief for the "what could have been".

I would absolutely push for her to change her name, but I feel like it's a decision/realisation she should come to on her own.

I. Would do it and drop the Parker, lose the memory of him. Obviously unless she wants to keep parker.

Ask your dd now about the name change do it could be done for September. And get every penny you can for your dd to help with uni or a house. You both deserve. And ignore your ex family as they are gits. Glad you got through this!

I don't agree with the posters who are saying just to change it straightaway and without hesitation. Yes, he was clearly a poor excuse for a father and doesn't deserve his name to be passed on to her. But I really think it should be the dds decision and I think it's best she doesn't make the decision in a fog of grief and shock.

@Conflictedingrief

I got an extremely nasty Whatsapp message from XH’s father on Friday “staking his claim” on his granddaughter, saying that his done had died with unfinished business, and calling me
Wow. So the apple really didn’t fall far from the tree...

I’ve just spoken to the CSA to report the bereavement, and the lady there could not have been more lovely. She said that they will collect it from his estate on my behalf - she is personally taking on my case and will keep me regularly posted as to progress. She was so helpful, I’m in tears now - DD finally has a chance to get what she deserves! And as the lady said, it’s not a small sum and could be uni fees or a flat deposit, which could secure her future.
Good - so at last she’ll be getting what he was withholding from her as a parent when he was living. Be prepared, though, for anger from his relatives.

🌹 for you and your DD.

Sent from my iPhone

I agree with m00rfarm in that I'd ask her straight away. Deal with it all now, if you can, rather than stirring it all up again in 6 months' time.
And have her sorted with a new name (if she wants it) and a new belonging in her family in time for her new school in September.
Sometimes it's easier to move through all the crap in one go.
Speaking from experience.

@formerbabe

I don't agree with the posters who are saying just to change it straightaway and without hesitation. Yes, he was clearly a poor excuse for a father and doesn't deserve his name to be passed on to her. But I really think it should be the dds decision and I think it's best she doesn't make the decision in a fog of grief and shock.

I agree. I am slightly bemused at those posters. I can only assume they are lucky enough not to have had abusive and useless parents. These relationships are complicated, and to erase a parent means erasing a part of the child. OP, I would completely take your cue from your daughter. And consider counselling- no matter what he did, he is her father, and she is going to have some very conflicting emotions going on for a while.

YAY!

Sorry, I shouldn't celebrate a death but really it makes the world a better and safer place for you and your dd in particular. I've never really understood why you can't speak ill of the dead when they were such nasty people; I think "you reap what you sow" and if you're a shit in life to people then no one can argue with those people being pleased that you're finally gone.

I'd have no compunction in her dropping his name altogether if she wants to (possibly even gently encourage her to - I know that's really bad but he's given her NOTHING good has he?).

Make sure your DD knows there are no laws about surnames except that people inform the authorities and are consistent. Then let her know she has free rein to make her own choice and if she wants to delete the 'Parker' bit completely, nobody else has the right to say anything about it. Then she could have some fun deciding for herself before it's finalised.

I'd be inclined to make it disappear altogether, but that's for her to decide. She sounds lovely and so does your DH and his DC!

Please don't give her your new husbands name. I'm sure he's lovely but you never know what's round the corner and if the worst happened she's then stick with the name of a man that has no connection to her. Just give her your name and be done. When the time is right, if she wants it etc etc.