AIBU to consider finally changing DD’s surname, now XH is dead?

[Conflictedingrief]

Name change - Korean lady, rivers of corn, Wooly Hugs etc!

We had a real shock last week - XH had a heart attack at work, and the paramedics could not revive him. He was in his early forties so a total shock. Mixed reactions from me, sad obviously because he was so young and he is my child’s father but mainly a sense of relief that he couldn't hurt us any more.

He was a nasty piece of work, violent, financially and emotionally abusive, I’ve had MANY threads on here about things he’s done including being arrested for DV to his poor fiancé in front of my daughter three times in the space of a couple of years. She is now 11 and has not seen him for many years following this third DV incident and SS involvement. It took a CAHMS referral and months of counselling before she stopped having nightmares - she was terrified of him. He was welcome to call/Skype her but these had dried up to less than once a month, so he wasn’t a present fixture in her life at all. Even though she hadn’t seen him in a long time she is still affected by what she witnessed - she had to do an autobiography for school and wrote in quite harrowing detail about that night, so much so I emailed the teacher just to check it wasn’t going up on a notice board somewhere, as it made for some shocking reading! My poor girl has been through so much - she is safe now though, and I’m doing my best to show her love every day.

We left him when she was 15 months old and he had decided to “teach me a lesson” by sellotaping her into her high chair and cutting her hair off. Since then we have found a little house, got two lovely cats, built a happy life for us. I’ve even met and married the KINDEST and most lovely man you could ever meet, who comes with two lovely kids of his own so our family is complete. DD adores her stepbrother and stepsister and we are really happy.

She has in the past expressed sadness that she is the only one with a different surname. DH, DSS and DSD are all, for eg, Smith, I have double barrelled my maiden name so I am St John Smith, she is Parker (not real names, but same number of syllables). I asked XH many times if he would permit me to add my surname to DD’s name so that she would feel part of the family - he always refused, as a control thing more than anything else, he wasn’t seeing her at all (and certainly wasn’t paying any child maintenance for her - current CSA arrears stand at over 12k!). However, he has now died so I have sole PR. I know it’s early days and it’s still raw, but if DD is still keen shall I do it? Her new surname would be the equivalent of Parker St John Smith which is a HELL of a mouthful, but I think it would be fairer than for eg making Parker a middle name and keeping only mine as surname.

So AIBU to consider this? Or a cold hearted cow as he’s not even in the ground yet?

Leave it up to your daughter but say that it's an easy thing to formalise now.

The £12,000 missed maintenance payments, if you were set up through the CSA or similar binding arrangement, you can claim the missing maintenance from his estate/ assets. It counts against the estate as a debt and this needs to be paid if assets are available to cover it.

Just a heads up. Not sure how you go about claiming but someone might know. I know it's time sensitive, so get in and register your claim for the debt to be paid. Your daughter could do with this to help her future.

His son not his done! Dyac!

I remember wanting to change my last name when I grew up from my abusive father's name.

When I did grow up however I realised that it was MY name. Not his. I got it just as he did. It's no more her father's name than it is hers.

That's why I kept my name when I got married.

Have you explained that to her, women and children don't need to see themselves as being passed from new owner to new owner. If you start that she'll only change it if she gets married anyway and what's the point in the paper work then?

She'll need to explain the name change in background checks or for immigration for rest her life.

If you had kept your name you wouldn't all have the same name anyway, that's why she is in the position of feeling like an outsider

Tell her you are filling out forms for the new school and ask her what surname she would like to be known as.

I changed my sons surname. Luckily his dad didn't have PR.

If your DD is comfortable then absolutely do it.

Like the idea of her using your name - also gives her stability as it won't change based on a relationship IFSWIM

@Conflictedingrief Don't underestimate the weird workings of the human brain. Even though things have been so bad, your daughter still needs time to grieve the father she never had, and you do not want her to accuse you in the future of trying to erase him from her life as soon as he was dead. I would leave it until you absolutely have to , and then say "Would you prefer to be known as St John Smith at your new school? " and then just use that name. You don't have to change anything legally straight away.

I would have said leave it 6 months but as September not that long off, Id still leave it some weeks but ask her what she would like to be known as.

If she wants to stick with her name, let her, it has been her name and is not "him" it is just a name.
If she is changing I would say St John Smith or St John or Smith all options!

You don't sound cold hearted, just appropriately detached.

I'd give it a month or two, she's probably processing some very complex feelings, and then suggest it. But there's a tiny tiny chance she will want to keep it now he's dead and can't hurt her anymore, so be prepared for that too.

She now has complete freedom where her name is concerned. No-one is going to pop up and say "no" just to be mean and controlling. So she can change it this month, and change it back the month after if she wants to.

We left him when she was 15 months old and he had decided to “teach me a lesson” by sellotaping her into her high chair and cutting her hair off

This is the most awful thing I've ever read

Me too! what a barstard an absolute c**t..

Get her name changed to yours and disregard any of what his ilke might trry to do, and chase up any maintenance money owing from his estate as suggested.

And one more thing,

Don't wait, just do it now!

Does she know that her father was the reason that you couldn't change her surname?

If so, will she not make the connection & ask again?

Or ask again anyway at some point?

Of course she might want to keep it in some form as a connection to him.

I would let her change her surname and if it's something you all want would your Dh formerly adopt her?
If she's about to start high school then she can be known by whatever surname you like, just add it in the forms ( it will show her legal name in certificates) as my friend does that with her daughter ( similar circumstances) let your daughter take the lead in it, if broach the subject with her but say it's her decision and that it's up to her.
Also I'd advise counselling for her too, as it will be a lot up process. In our area you can self refer but call your gp practices do they'll tell you.

My child both have my surname as I didn't want to deal with them having different names.

Her new surname would be the equivalent of Parker St John Smith which is a HELL of a mouthful, but I think it would be fairer than for eg making Parker a middle name and keeping only mine as surname.

From what you say she doesn't seem much of a fan of your ex, and rightfully so. So I'm sure she'd be quite happy to keep the Parker as a 'hidden' middle name or something, or drop it.

Good plan of PP's to get her to choose- I bet it'd give her a boost.

Well sounds like he was a right cunt.
I definitely would let her change her name, and now seems to be a good time. Ask her what surname she wants to use at her new school, go from there.
Also don’t forget the money you are owed in child maintenance, make a claim on the estate, if he’s got anything to leave of course.
If his family don’t like it they can fuck too.

I'd do it. You will need to provide the birth certificate, his death certificate and your marriage certificate - but just do it. Personally I would change it yours or which ever one she wants. You don't need to pay --deed poll is fine. But personally rather than lugging them all around - I would get a new birth certificate if possible. and get her passport etc in her new name. It shouldn't be the case but they normally want it from a solicitor -but it isn't needed legally. After months of stalemate with the passport office I paid the £150 and just got them to do it. Make sure the school know this is now her "legal" name and her chosen name -the two are different. That means her GCSE certificates -everything is in her new name.

Glad to hear that it’s not true “only the good die young”

Maybe, if she agrees, change her name to your name to begin with? You're her family, you're the one who's always been there for her. That will never change.

I'd def change her name and before she goes to secondary school. Can she access sine counselling to talk about it, My DF died when I wasn't in touch (lots of reasons) and I really struggled with the what ifs and the never can scenario

As the mum of an adopted child who has always wanted to change his Christian name I can sympathise. He now uses the middle name we gave him and in the past has been extremely upset if anyone called him his original name which is still on all his documents. He has in the past asked to change it by deed poll but hasn't mentioned in a couple of years - now 17 and I've noticed he hasn't been so upset at being call it at hospital appointments etc.
I'd suggest you discuss it with your DD and let her know all the options but I'd say to her that it would be best to have a think about for a while.

@SummerDayWinterEvenings , out of interest have you managed to change a birth certificate? My DS has his surname changed as a baby by deed poll, but I thought I couldn't get his surname changed? It is a pain as we always have to show his deedpoll alongside his BC

Sorry should read couldn't get his BC changed

She's 11, so I would be guided by her.
I wouldn't mention it just yet, though. She's just lost her dad, whatever he was or did.

if she wants to do it-ask her if she wants his name aswell still but aeeing as she was scared of him i doubt it

good riddance i say

Your poor DD- what she has been through.

I would absolutely support her in changing her name and going to secondary school seems the ideal time.

And as PP said put in a claim to his estate for the unpaid CSA. I think many solicitors give free advice for half an hour, so you can find out what you need to do.

And I hope your vile ex rots in hell.

As a child of a useless and abusive father, do not underestimate how much a child might be attached to them (or the idea of them!), either.