AIBU to consider finally changing DD’s surname, now XH is dead?

[Conflictedingrief]

Name change - Korean lady, rivers of corn, Wooly Hugs etc!

We had a real shock last week - XH had a heart attack at work, and the paramedics could not revive him. He was in his early forties so a total shock. Mixed reactions from me, sad obviously because he was so young and he is my child’s father but mainly a sense of relief that he couldn't hurt us any more.

He was a nasty piece of work, violent, financially and emotionally abusive, I’ve had MANY threads on here about things he’s done including being arrested for DV to his poor fiancé in front of my daughter three times in the space of a couple of years. She is now 11 and has not seen him for many years following this third DV incident and SS involvement. It took a CAHMS referral and months of counselling before she stopped having nightmares - she was terrified of him. He was welcome to call/Skype her but these had dried up to less than once a month, so he wasn’t a present fixture in her life at all. Even though she hadn’t seen him in a long time she is still affected by what she witnessed - she had to do an autobiography for school and wrote in quite harrowing detail about that night, so much so I emailed the teacher just to check it wasn’t going up on a notice board somewhere, as it made for some shocking reading! My poor girl has been through so much - she is safe now though, and I’m doing my best to show her love every day.

We left him when she was 15 months old and he had decided to “teach me a lesson” by sellotaping her into her high chair and cutting her hair off. Since then we have found a little house, got two lovely cats, built a happy life for us. I’ve even met and married the KINDEST and most lovely man you could ever meet, who comes with two lovely kids of his own so our family is complete. DD adores her stepbrother and stepsister and we are really happy.

She has in the past expressed sadness that she is the only one with a different surname. DH, DSS and DSD are all, for eg, Smith, I have double barrelled my maiden name so I am St John Smith, she is Parker (not real names, but same number of syllables). I asked XH many times if he would permit me to add my surname to DD’s name so that she would feel part of the family - he always refused, as a control thing more than anything else, he wasn’t seeing her at all (and certainly wasn’t paying any child maintenance for her - current CSA arrears stand at over 12k!). However, he has now died so I have sole PR. I know it’s early days and it’s still raw, but if DD is still keen shall I do it? Her new surname would be the equivalent of Parker St John Smith which is a HELL of a mouthful, but I think it would be fairer than for eg making Parker a middle name and keeping only mine as surname.

So AIBU to consider this? Or a cold hearted cow as he’s not even in the ground yet?

Are you sure you're not throwing your grief into an action by deciding about the name. I'd honestly leave it for 6 months before you say anything. But act if she brings it up.

I'd be really child led on this. If she mentions anything, let her know that you would support her. But be prepared for the fact that you've been wanting this name change for the past decade, and she might not realise it is possible. She will have a lot of emotions, and now he is dead, her name might be her last link to him.

I would wait a year and then ask her what she wanted to do. She might want to just take your name rather than double barrel it. But it’s too soon. He sounds awful but he was her dad so she must have mixed emotions.

I think it's a good idea to leave it up to her but I wouldn't feel bad about dropping his name entirely in the slightest. It would be much easier for her if it wasn't so long, as well as the obvious emotional reasons why he doesn't really deserve to be honoured by her.

Give her some time to grieve before bringing it up unless she asks first. My mum asked me if I wanted to change mine after my dad's death but very different circumstances to your child's and at the time I didn't want to but I did change it later on.

I would ask her what she wants. I'd probably give it a few months first, so that the decision doesn't come right on top of the news of his death. OTOH if she is about to change to secondary school, then it might be less stressful for her not to change surnames partway through school - so potentially she could decide over the summer and you could let the school know what she is to be known as (even if the legal formalities aren't completed).

I assume there is always the possibility of changing it back again if she changes her mind. I would make sure she knows that. It makes it a less intimidating decision for her.

She IS starting senior school in Sept, which is why I suddenly thought it’s now or never. The idea of asking her what name she would like to be known as is a great one, then we can take our time over the formalities and go from there. I work at her school so it should be easy to convince them to change it in the system! They know me, and what she’s been through.

It’s a good idea, but like PP say, don’t rush into it, and let your daughter decide what she wants once shes had a chance to process her feelings.
Hugs to you and your daughter!

Do it before September op.. Less chance of any references to his surname if they have only got her new name to go by...
I can't wait until I have the closure you have...

'Known as' is a great idea. This is very common and it gives her a gradual way of managing the issue without it being permanent.

He is not a loss to the planet, is he. Do whatever she wants OP. She deserves happienss.

I think I'd gently broach the subject this side of September

I’d just ask her what she wants to do. In her position I’d toss Parker completely. Doesn’t even sound like she has any support from the grandparents on that side if they’re denying what she went through.

Anyone that sellotaped their fifteen month old child in a high chair and cut off their hair forfeited any consideration of what legacy they might leave there After their death there and then in my view.

Reading that has chilled me to the bone.

If she wants to change her name I would enable her do it.

I hope you can both now finally be free of him.

Definitely give her the option of not keeping his surname within her name too. She needs to know it is okay to drop that connection if she wants and if it was my child I would be hoping that they would.

I think your DD is old enough to make this decision for herself, and you are quite correct that now is a good time to do it because of the school change, but it's not "now or never" - she can easily do it in a few years time if she wants to.

It is totally reasonably to offer her the opportunity, but reassure her that she can wait and keep her current surname for as long as she wants to and doesn't need to do it, but can do it when/if she feels the time is right.

I can't work out how old she is, if she's old enough to ask or not. But do it.
It's so hard when abusive ex family are in denial, I do understand why but my kids think it's so unfair his family think he's wonderful. In the back of their minds, I'm pretty sure they have some awareness of the truth though.

I was going to say wait, but as she's changing school, it would be a good time.
And yes, asking her what she'd like to be known as at school (while indicating what her options are) is a great way to broach it.

Sorry just reread and saw she is 11. Perfect age - old enough to explain but young enough to have that decision made for her. And start of new school etc works well.

Oh my goodness! What a cruel bastard he’s been!

OP I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
Have a chat with her and change the surname if she still wants it. Drop the old one completely if needed.

I agree with as,I gotta her how she would like to be known at senior school. Also worth asking in advance of this the school how names appear on the register. My friend had a long middle name & double barrelled surname, at our school there was a max number of characters for the register. This meant on every register only part of her surname showed.

Can I ask whether the long surname is your's or your partner's? Do you use it in full

I’m sorry you are going through this. I have an abusive dad and I know this can make emotions hard.
If the school can go by a chosen name then I would be tempted to go with this as a start, my reservations (because I’m lazy and can’t be arsed with the faff more than anything else) is the annoyance of having to still put the previous surname into anything as a lot of forms ask if you have been known by a previous surname! This doesn’t seem too much of a faff for 1 name change but should she decide to get married and take her new husband/wife’s surname then she’ll have to declare the previous 2 surnames! It’s like a constant reminder on everything. Nothing wrong with this as like I say, I’m lazy and couldn’t be arsed with the form filling out rather than anything else!

I was going to ask if she had contact with his family but they sound horrible as well.

I don’t think it’s your decision to make tbh.

I get that she’s starting secondary in sept but does it really matter if it’s not complete by then? Lots of children change their surname when parents remarry, for example.

I would let the dust settle before broaching. I don’t think it should be done immediately.

The long surname (St John Smith) is my double barrelled surname, and I do use it all the time apart from ordering takeaways etc when Smith is easier to spell!

She has had no contact with his family at all - no birthday cards, no Xmas gifts, not one telephone call or Skype. Ironic, really, when I got an extremely nasty Whatsapp message from XH’s father on Friday “staking his claim” on his granddaughter, saying that his done had died with unfinished business, and calling me hateful, arrogant and superior... so glad he lives in a different country, so I can protect her from the lot of them.