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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lettin my 16yo daughter's boyfriend in her room

58 replies

890kath · 05/07/2020 21:30

she is getting an iud in a couple of weeks just to be extra careful for when she does have sex. my daughter and her boyfriend have been dating for 9 months and her boyfriend has only been over three times, she goes to his house very week instead. I have just been informed that she is allowed in his room, but im not allowing him in hers. I was never allowed boys in my room when I was her age. she has tried talking to me about it and says she will keep the door open and reminding me that I can check on them and see what they're doing but I just don't like the idea of a boy in her room so I say no. should I let her boyfriend in her room?

OP posts:
TigerDroveAgain · 05/07/2020 21:31

I suspect the boat has sailed

Haggisfish · 05/07/2020 21:32

I would let her tbh. I’d rather my dd had sex somewhere safe than outside. I’d make sure they were using condoms as well.

Ohnoherewego62 · 05/07/2020 21:34

I wasn't allowed this either but I suspect I'll be different with mine.

Its great you've already had the contraception aspect sorted! Communication is working well there.

I'd rather mine was safe at home than in carparks and alleys etc of they want to do it, they'll find somewhere.

LochJessMonster · 05/07/2020 21:38

Room with door open seems like a good compromise.
She’s 16.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 05/07/2020 21:39

An IUD at 16? What about condoms and an implant? She’s of age so safe sex is the imperative I suppose but I wouldn’t allow them to sleep together at that age.

safariboot · 05/07/2020 21:41

He should still use condoms. Even if he claims he's never had sex with anyone else. One, it starts good habits. Two, there are STIs that can also be caught other ways. Three, two forms of contraception are better than one.

Hermano · 05/07/2020 21:42

I think she's old enough to be allowed this tbh. I was allowed boyfriends in my room at that age, and yes we had sex. My parents must have been aware, but they knew who he was, got to know him on his visits, and could probably hear that things were consensual and not coercive!

If DD was 14 it would be different, but she's fast leaving childhood and entering adulthood, and you not giving her this freedom can only lead to worse consequences.

She will have sex, but you won't have any idea when, with who, where, who is watching etc.

That's my opinion, you did ask.

CardsforKittens · 05/07/2020 21:44

I’m not sure what you’re hoping to achieve by keeping him out of her room. You know they’re having sex so what’s the issue? Sorry if I’m being a bit thick.

user187428496 · 05/07/2020 21:46

It seems a bit pointless when she's going to his house every week.

TARSCOUT · 05/07/2020 21:47

Better to have her safe under your roof than elsewhere.

Waveysnail · 05/07/2020 21:48

My parents and my boyfriends parents had open door policy in bedrooms - we still had sex

Minniee · 05/07/2020 21:50

Is an IED a good choice at 16? Wouldn't the pill or implant be better?

They are probably having sex already tbh, I would let them in her room with the door open if I was worried.

In reality, I let mine have their bfs/gfs over from 16/17 and trusted them to be sensible with whatever they chose to do.

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/07/2020 21:54

As the parent of a 16 year old girl who had a boyfriend until recently - they have already had sex. You keeping him from your house is only making him more attractive and the sex more exciting.
The welcomed boyfriend is always less exciting and you know they are safe.

Isthisfinallyit · 05/07/2020 21:58

What is your issue? Them having sex? Because it's weird if you feel that she should have your approval first at a legal age. Surely she should decide when she is ready? Not someone else?. Or is it just them having sex under your roof? In that case, would you rather them having sex outside somewhere? Where they might get filmed and put on the internet? I get that you might not like it if they do it at home but the alternative is worse.

I remember being 16. We had sex outside, or in a car, or behind bushes or in a forest. Seriously, you can't stop people having sex, but it's not a good idea to make them have it in strange places. They might end up on the internet, or blackmailed, or assaulted.

Voice0fReason · 05/07/2020 22:02

When I was that age, my boyfriend's parents wouldn't let me in his room. As a result, we never spent any time at his house.
So it really depends if you want your daughter to want to be at home.

Laiste · 05/07/2020 22:03

When i was 14 my mother thought that keeping my boyfriend from being upstairs in our house was keeping him out of my drawers. Nope. We weren't allowed upstairs in his house either ...

You don't have to be in a house upstairs.

NameyNameyNames · 05/07/2020 22:28

It's your house and your rules.
I would hate to have had sex in my parents house- I would have been terrified of being heard!

BarbedBloom · 05/07/2020 22:41

My mum had this rule so I was having sex in parks and behind shops. I would prefer my daughter to have sex in her own room where she is comfortable than take risks like I did.

I would also imagine they are already having sex. I didn't discuss with my mum at all and never have but 9 months in i was sexually active.

ThisIsGonnaHurt · 05/07/2020 22:56

She is 16, i am just astonished you can be open enough with her to know she is getting an IUD but don't trust her to have her boyfriend in her room. I would expect at 16 for her to have him in her room with the door shut but she is in fact being extremely reasonable saying she would leave the door open.

I imagine that within 9 months of being in a relationship at that age they will have had sex already, or close to it at least.

Forgivenandsetfree · 05/07/2020 23:17

I just want to say, when i went to attempt to get an IUD at a similar age, it was absolute agony, I couldn't go through with it. i was told it was possibly because i hadn't had a baby yet and the opening to my cervix was just too small and thick(?). I recommend the injection, though, if she isn't able to go through with it.
with the boyfriend thing, as others have said, i would be quite surprised if she hasn't already, especially given they have been together for quite some time and they stay at his. my dad and his wife were fairly strict in this respect and all 4 of us girls defied them in this area at some point or another (religious, no sex before marriage and no boys in the house without them there) i think shes very reasonable with her compromise and even if you dont want sex in your house which is perfectly reasonable, no boys in the bedroom is a little overkill.

Newkitchen123 · 05/07/2020 23:23

I've got IUD. It bloody hurt going in to the point it nearly made me sick! I can't imagine going thru that at 16. I have never had kids and apparently that's why it hurt more

Buggedandconfused · 05/07/2020 23:29

My daughter has an iud, age 16. She didn’t want to take chemical hormones. It wasn’t pleasant for her having it inserted but she feels it was a healthier option. The doctor can fit a mini one if it suits her better.

Buggedandconfused · 05/07/2020 23:30

Oh and I let her bf in her room. I’d rather they were safe at home than looking for other options, which they would have done!

doodleygirl · 05/07/2020 23:31

What are your reasons for not allowing her boyfriend into her room?

Swirlyceiling · 05/07/2020 23:32

Not what you asked but very shocked at IUD at 16. It hurt like a bitch going in (I have a chronic illness so high pain threshold) and horrific cramps for about 2 months following. All ok now a year on, but has she considered other options first?

Anyway, back on topic...

My parents wouldn't let my boyfriend sleep over at 16 and we couldn't go in my room with the door shut. I went to his house a few times a week. We would have sex there, or if his folks were in, we would find somewhere else to go, like a public loo. Personally if I were you I'd be starting a conversation about safe sex (ideally still using condoms alongside another contraceptive) and know that at least if they were doing it at your house, they would be safe, not like if they were out in a public space.

I think her compromise of going in her room with the door open is mature and very reasonable.