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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lettin my 16yo daughter's boyfriend in her room

58 replies

890kath · 05/07/2020 21:30

she is getting an iud in a couple of weeks just to be extra careful for when she does have sex. my daughter and her boyfriend have been dating for 9 months and her boyfriend has only been over three times, she goes to his house very week instead. I have just been informed that she is allowed in his room, but im not allowing him in hers. I was never allowed boys in my room when I was her age. she has tried talking to me about it and says she will keep the door open and reminding me that I can check on them and see what they're doing but I just don't like the idea of a boy in her room so I say no. should I let her boyfriend in her room?

OP posts:

midwifeyNC · 05/07/2020 23:36

They're definitely already having sex!!!!

CodenameVillanelle · 05/07/2020 23:39

An IUD for a 16 year old who hasn't had sex yet??? That's very unusual
To answer your question yes I would let him in her room but I would want them to keep the door ajar and Id tell her that it would be very disrespectful for them to do anything sexual with you in the house and noisily walk past the door a few times

DontWantToAdult · 05/07/2020 23:45

No to the IUD for a 16 year old....

Allow the boyfriend in the room, she's 16.
They are having sex, they are allowed in his room. What do you think you are achieving?

She seems sensible and has tried talking to you

Allow her to have some privacy.
With the door closed!

namechange30000 · 05/07/2020 23:50

My mum never asked me to keep my door open when my boyfriend of the time was round.

Is that a thing? What does the door open stop?

She's having sex already op. I'm surprised at the IUD, usually the pill or the implant is suggested but there has been a big push on iuds in recent years. I would mention other options like the implant or the pill.

IwishIhadaMargarita · 06/07/2020 00:15

Would you rather build up trust so she can talk to you or have her start being secretive now?

Upstairs in her room is fine, they are young adults who deserve a little trust and remember how you felt at that age.Sex is normal and shouldn’t be turned into a dirty little secret. At least if she feels respected and trusted she will come to you if she needs to and that is the best option all round. Would you rather she was doing it in her own house where she is safe and has the confidence to say no to anything Or outside where anything could happen?

TheNanny23 · 06/07/2020 00:31

Can I stick up for IUD here? I’ve not had children and had two- yes it’s uncomfortable...but then she is good for contraception until she is 21! Wish I’d had one earlier than I did aged 22 and saved loads of faff with pill and implant

Buggedandconfused · 06/07/2020 00:37

I don’t get the problem with an iud. Unless you’ve had children then the entrance to the cervix is pretty much the same. It’s not harmful to health, doesn’t make you put weight on or send hormones and moods crazy. Can’t forget to take it etc etc. 16 is young, but not too young to be having grown up sex. It was my daughter’s choice completely and I’m glad she’s not pumping her body full of hormones.

Purpletigers · 06/07/2020 00:42

16 is too young to be having sex imo. I don’t know what I’d do in your situation tbh .

StarlightLady · 06/07/2020 01:12

Why have an IUD and ask her to keep the door open? I would take a pragmatic view. Given how long they have been together, l would say it is almost certain that they are having sex. Hormones will be bubbling.

I was certainly enjoying sex at that age (40s now, before anyone tells me l was too young!) and mum always said her main concern was that sister and I were safe and not being coerced into anything we didn’t want to do.

Her way of handling things meant that we could go to her if ever we had concerns.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 06/07/2020 01:15

Why are people so shocked about an IUD at 16? Presumably if she's having it fitted in a few weeks then she has already spoken about it with a HCP? In the meantime however just give her some condoms. She's probably already had sex anyway .

learnerpuppyowner · 06/07/2020 01:22

Pill/ injection/ implant... yes get her any of them.
IUD - no! I had one in my early twenties. It was agony. I'm now infertile. I've had multiple miscarriages. I truly believe it damaged my womb.

CrazyToast · 06/07/2020 01:27

IUD hurts sooo much, it is horrible. Never in a millions years would I have one again. It would also make her more suspectible to damage by STIs if she doesnt use a condom too. Also, in women who have not had kids, the IUD is more likely to be expelled (doctor only told me this AFTER it had happened to me!).

Yes to boyfriend in the room with the door open.

lyralalala · 06/07/2020 03:50

No to the IUD for a 16 year old....

That’s not the OP’s choice to make

For a 16–year-old to have an IUD, or an appointment for one, it shows she’s looked into contraception and researched it. It’s not the business of the OP or anyone else of she and her GP have decided that’s a good option for her

Pixxie7 · 06/07/2020 04:13

An iud increases the risk of infection and can lead to infertility and ectopic pregnancy. So I agree with pp.

Mascotte · 06/07/2020 04:43

Contraceptive choices are for individuals to make with HCPs. Irrelevant.

As regards your DD, I'd let her have him in her room, I think. Assuming he seems ok. I don't think I'd like it much, but seems a bit pointless not to.

sanityisamyth · 06/07/2020 04:50

@Minniee

Is an IED a good choice at 16? Wouldn't the pill or implant be better?

They are probably having sex already tbh, I would let them in her room with the door open if I was worried.

In reality, I let mine have their bfs/gfs over from 16/17 and trusted them to be sensible with whatever they chose to do.

An IED seems extreme 🤣 an IUD seems much more appropriate! 😜 other forms of contraception are available

Ribrabrob · 06/07/2020 04:51

You sound a bit ridiculous to be honest. She’s of legal age, she has contraception, she’s 99% probably doing it already... what’s the harm? How does it affect you?

Parents like you push their children away.

Warsawa31 · 06/07/2020 06:44

She has a boyfriend who she has been seeing for 9 months - it’s not like he is a stranger to her! She has communicated with your about this honestly and clearly.

I really don’t know what else you are expecting from her? Do you expect her to stay a virgin until she is married? Not being snide just wondering if that’s the issue

ThisIsGonnaHurt · 06/07/2020 06:52

Purpletigers - what on earth are you talking about?? Of course its not too young, what a ridiculous and to be honest pretty unhelpful thing to say.

If OP doesn't want them having sex in the house thats up to her i guess but obviously they'll do it somewhere but personallyits not something I could be bothered about as long as they were very discreet. I swear some people just have no idea about normal teenagers and actually OPs daughter sounds a lot more considerate and sensible than many teens

user1493413286 · 06/07/2020 06:55

I’m not sure what the purpose is apart from to make you more comfortable? They’re having sex and have that opportunity at his house and to be honest teenagers will find a way to have sex and it’s not when their mum is downstairs and they’ve got the door open. If you want him to come to your house and to get to know him more then you’re going to need to let them go into her room.

Sheenais · 06/07/2020 07:00

I think an IUD is an excellent choice. I can’t imagine why posters think otherwise? Because it hurts? Not always. She definitely is already sexually active and there is nothing wrong with that, but you must help her sort her contraceptive now, not in a couple of weeks.

SD1978 · 06/07/2020 07:04

So she avoids being at home every weekend and stays at his, because she wants to be able to have tine with her boyfriend, and has offered the compromise if the door open the whole time. You've said no as is your choice as it's your house, but I'd be prepared to continue never seeing her as who would they want to spend tons at your house?

Abbazed · 06/07/2020 20:42

OP I'd assume she's already having sex.

Did you see that baby in Vietnam born holding the iud? She had other children so assume outta place.

Malbecblooms · 06/07/2020 21:01

Much too young to be having sex.

Echobelly · 06/07/2020 21:04

I'm in the 'far better under your own roof than elsewhere'. My brother was the only one of us to have a partner at that age (who he has been married to for nearly 20 years now!) and my mum said some of her friends were surprised she allowed them together in the room and to sleep over, but her view was it was best for these things to happen somewhere safe. My oldest is still a few years off that age, but I think I would be amenable to partners in room (with DD it is looking more likely that it will be girls than boys, by her own reckoning, which may make things easier )

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