Neighbours complain on everything!

[Fitlarwa]

I feel so hopeless, sometimes to the point that I feel all my rights as a living human are being taken away from me. Recently it got to the point that I don't want to live anymore as the emotional pain that I suffer just eats me from inside.

I live in a terraced house built in 2008. Moved to house number 5 in 2015.
We soon realised that due to our nationality neighbours from number 6 decided to ignore us and give us bad look each time they see us. Neighbours from house 4 were nice to us, I can say that we were friends.

Last year neighbours from 6 after refurbishing their garden wanted us to leave our garden as they were having family gathering and needed privacy!
Fence at that time was just 1,30cm.
We ignored their requests as we felt they are being unreasonable.
Especially that they didn't ask direct, instead they made rasist comments between themselves but of course about us.
We've stayed at the garden just to have cat feaces thrown almost under our feet once their family left!
The other day I had my dog poo scooper handle soaked in poo.
It was hanging on our shared fence so they took it, soaked it in poo and put it back in place. After a while she watched me from her window having a proper laugh as I almost cried having smelly dirty hand!

As the neighbours from number 4 we were friends with were on good terms with poo throwers from number 6 I thought it is ok to ask those from 4 to speak with those from 6 and ask them to stop doing what they do as we aren't going to respond the same way because we are not that kids of people.
On top of that our son at that time 11 years old started to fear using his garden and literally stopped playing with dog or staying there alone.
He explained that he feels that someone is watching him from behind the curtains!

Neighbours from number 4 when asked to help us and talk to number from 6 started to explain their friend saying that she has hormone imbalance as she breast feed.
They even didn't talk to her! Just jumped into protective mood!
It was clear we won't get any support and I must admit I felt a bit hurt that people who are friends with me for 4 years doesn't even want to have a chat with someone they know and who is nasty to my family.

I decided to slowly finish the friendship as I lost trust.
I didn't say anything to them but instead just stopped using garden when they were there, when the wanted have a chat i was telling them politely that I'm in rush.
So obviously it was not in my intention to argue with anyone, it was a civilised way of ending a long term friendship in such way to still remain on good terms to be able to say Hi and Hello

After just few months I started to get complaints from both number 4 and number 6 about loud TV nuisance.
Apparently my TV is that loud that stops them from enjoying their home and kids can't sleep.

My husband went to check it, he found loose radiator on the wall and advised anti vibration clips for £2 which he will install for them.
The other nasty neighbours decided to kick my door, scare our soon to the point that till now he jumps when someone loudly knocks the door.
I eventually informed the police as I was verbally abused at 7.30am when was getting into my car to drop my son for his train to school.
My son was petrified!

Police came after 2 days. Surprisingly they could hear bass coming from neighbours 6 but when visited them they couldn't hear my TV (I didn't lower the volume).

They stopped banging the doors and were advised to contact council if they believe that we cause nuisance. But they should stop talking to us and come to our door.

I thought that this is it! That's over!

No, neighbours from 4 the ones that once we're our friends felt angry that we reported their new best friends!
Yes, the two families relations got stronger once number 4 realised my family avoids them.

For 3 months they did nothing but complained. We bought soundproof mat and put under subwoofer. Then they said that they don't hear the bass anymore but instead they hear voices!
But we watch Polish TV so they can't understand it!
We changed the settings etc.
But at the same time thinking why for the last 4.5 years they never said to us that our TV makes noise!
We asked them to make a diary between Christmas and New year where due to season for 10 days everyone was at home and TV was on from about 9am till 9.30pm
They were going to rate the noise between 1-10 where 10 was very loud.
We passed this to our friend who is a solicitor who said that this noise doesn't constitute nuisance.
It is perfectly acceptable that on Saturday at 4pm someone will watch The Bohemian Rhapsody movie where volume will be much higher!

We got back to them saying that they still didn't make a £2 investment in radiator clips to stop vibration. It is believed that it's their radiator that is a problem here or at least a part of the problem.
We did all what a reasonable person would do to resolve the problem but we can't live in total silence because eg. They work from home sometime long hours and because of that we can't have classic music on to our dinner etc.

Anyways, 3 months later when asked they said they've got no problem with our TV anymore!

Well we didn't change anything since I told them that our lawyer said it's not a nuisance and that they are oversensitive or think they somehow can have a silence while choosing to live in a terraced house.

It was a relief!
I thought that all is over.
Number 6 left us alone since police told them not to approach us. Now I heard that number 4 have no problem with us being noisy!
I thought, that's perfect. Problem solved!

A month later we decided to do a major work at our garden where high fence (advised by police) was a priority.
We decided to build using brick some planters and dig sloppy ground so that we can have it flat and spent time there away from both neighbours.
The second day we started to put fence up my husband was verbally abused as our fence takes number 4 views! In fact the only views taken were the one at my garden! Also my high fence meant no more seeing neighbours from 6 and chatting over my garden! (They found new way anyways)
My husband was polite, he didn't let anyone to provoke him and didn't argue.
We have a few independent witnesses.
4 days later we've received a letter from council - Laud TV noise nuisance!!!
So apparently the day my husband was abused they put a complainant for noise while a month before they said they are ok and there is no noise!

Apparently, they have got the number 6 as their witness!

It also appears that they record my husband work at the garden!
We don't use heavy tools for hours but sometimes we have to do it to cut some wood or brick, however mainly it's digging by hand without heavy machinery so no noise then!
But they jump with their phones and record each time my husband is with tools!
So I expect I will soon receive a second letter but this time about our garden work.
Which in fact takes 3 months but only because we do it with breaks as no materials are available and we constantly wait for some things to be delivered.
So yes we are at the garden every day but we don't use loud tools every day!

Anyways, the case for TV is open and I assume not investigated just yet.
I responded to the case officer and had a chat with her over the phone.
She said that because of Covid they don't visit houses now so she will come once it will be safe to do so.

My life has changed dramatically, since we put the high fence my son few times used the garden by himself but felt watched from windows and doesn't want to do it again.
He wanted to have piano for his birthday so we bought him, he played only once and we had someone banging on the wall and since then my son never played again.
He avoids neighbours from 6 when they are on their driveway he waits hidden behind our van before rushing to our door.
Our Sundays meals that we had and always played jazz music are past!
No more music played to meals, no more fitness workouts or PE with Joe!
Whatever I do, like using shaker to prepare my morning meal, I first think about my neighbours and if they already write note in their diary!
There was a time when on Fridays we had friends coming to watch some Netflix with us. But now we don't watch Netflix and it's not because our friends don't come due to Covid but because my husband said that there is no point for us to pay subscription if we can't watch anything as all we think off is how we are heard, if we are heard and if neighbours make their notes!
We also started to argue between ourselves over what is an acceptable volume to watch news etc!
My happy marriage is not that happy anymore. We argue constantly and only when it comes to volume of sounds that we generate!

I'm tired, I feel ill.
I don't eat properly and having stomach pains, which is not good as long before the whole stress started I was already under the care of gastrologist and I need to watch what I eat and how I eat and follow my diet.
I just can't do it now!
During this time I also had breast reconstruction surgery about which neighbours knew. So to help me with my stress after my surgery they were hanging bras at their garden in such way I could see them! Not sure what they wanted to achieve! But it definitely upset me.

If it was my decision I would possibly try to sell the house, I would give up!
My husband doesn't want this as he says that we do nothing wrong and no one can assure us that we will have better neighbours elsewhere.
We can't run away, we have to be strong and trust that eventually one of them will move out and the other one will stop as they won't have support.

Think I need a help.
Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Anyone here?

I'm scared to tell my GP, he won't have time to hear all what I need to say and what is in this message.
Many people says that I should just ignore and live my life but I can't! Something inside me blocks me from feeling happiness.

Apparently, there is plenty of help for people who have noisy neighbours but where there is help for people like us who are victims of someone who thinks that they can complain about everything?

Can anyone help me?

Please don't advise to sell house or be nasty towards neighbours as it won't happen.

I think my only hope is that lady from the council who is a case officer. Maybe if she decided that we don't cause nuisance all will stop and if not maybe then we can sue neighbours for harassment?

But for that I need to wait but can't wait for help any longer as I'm dying inside! I feel pain in my chest constantly!
Can't sleep properly, eat properly, enjoy life, can't focus even on reading book as after one page I forgot what was all about!

I've got many good neighbours and friends on the street and all of them feel for us!
Many says they wish we were their neighbours!

Have you do an executive summary?

Quite honestly that sounds awful and it’s like a campaign against you. Is moving a possibility?

Honestly you should just move but a suggestion to help you still watch and listen to things, wireless headphones that link up to a digital radio/smart tv. I do think you need to tell your husband that you feel that your marriage is being affected and that eventually the love will be lost because you can’t enjoy time together. When you do speak to your gp the executive summary is you are depressed because your neighbours take racist actions and make your life intolerable to the extent your family can’t do anything that generates even a tiny noise and also made fun of you after reconstructive surgery. You could get psychological help but why should you, it’s not you that’s broken it’s then. Racist idiots.

You don’t need to tell the GP the whole story, you just need to say there are problems and intimidation from your neighbours and it is causing you anxiety, depression & health problems.

Why is moving not an option? I think for your health, and the happiness of you all-especially your son-you really need to consider moving. I’m sorry you are going through all this, it sounds awful and I don’t know what you can do apart from move, you shouldn’t have to but they clearly are not reasonable people. Health and happiness is more important. I had noisy neighbours, the lack of sleep & constant noise made me ill, moving has stretched us financially but I cannot tell you how good it feels to be away from them.

I really feel for you

Firstly I am so sorry you have gone through all this. They sound very difficult neighbours.

Your son sounds very worried and that must be hard for you.

I think you need more support as this is harassment. Is there any local support group for Polish families or something?

I think the first thing you should do is to keep a diary, with dates, of everything that happens, however small.

You can also speak to your community policing team and say you don't know what to do.

If you do plan to make be, you will have to declare what has happened - so maybe decide whether you are staying or going before speaking to the police.

Oh dear, make be = move

Firstly, get your son headphones to play the piano..... I would never think it was a good idea to have a piano in a terrace unless there were headphones attached. One problem solved.

TV.... Listen to it at a reasonable volume, when the council noise compo ain't team finally come out they will tell you if you're too loud. If your TV is too loud they will let you know, maybe let them know before hand that you're happy to work with them to ensure that everyone has a pleasant living experience. But in the meantime just carry on as you are.

For the garden, as long as work is between the hours defined by your local council (ours is 8am to 7pm I think), then realistically your neighbours complaint won't be upheld and they can record all they like, all they are doing is eating phone memory.

Carry on with the higher fencing and try and encourage your son to have confidence, he deserves to be happy in his own space.

Good luck!

It sounds like they are harassing you. It also sounds like you care too much what they think. You’re allowed to watch TV, play music, practise musical instruments for a little while each day, and spend time in your garden. Unless all of these activities are constantly at high volume they have no reason to complain. So put your music on, watch TV, and let them complain! If they bang on the wall, ignore them. If they come to the door, roll your eyes or don’t answer.

You’ve tried to be accommodating but it hasn’t stopped the harassment. If they’re going to harass you anyway, you might as well enjoy your jazz, piano playing and TV.

Don’t worry about the council investigation - if your domestic noise is indeed at normal levels (which seems very likely to me) the investigation will find in your favour. They might also find that the complaints are malicious and warn your neighbours to stop it.

Move - life is too short and your Son sounds like he can't live in his own home, let alone your stress.

People can be horrible and you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Any noise between 7am and 11pm is not a nuisance where I live. Find out what times noise is allowed where you are.
You've logged your concerns with the person dealing with the complaint made against you. You've got a list of things you've done to try to resolve. Now you just have to wait until they come out to investigate and show you're willing to cooperate but tell them how much you've already tried.
Listen to your TV OP. Play your music. Work in your garden. You deserve to live your life. They're going to complain either way so why live in misery if you can't win?
Disputes with neighbours need to be declared when selling a house so your neighbours are shooting themselves in the foot if they're owners.
I would 100% log any racist and hateful speech or actions by your neighbours with the non-emergency police number. Report them every single time they say anything racist or if they intimidate you when outside your property. You'll probably need to declare this if you ever sell but worth the risk IMO in this instance. Your poor poor family (and you of course!).

On the basis you're not making noise outside of reasonable hours (i.e. the middle of the night) then you're not doing anything wrong. Need to use a power drill for two hours in the middle of the day? You can!
Also speak to your GP please. They can't solve the issue but the repercussions of the issue needs to be looked at. Your physical and mental health are suffering. You don't need to tell them everything if you feel they don't have time. Tell them your physical symptoms, your anxiety and depression and that you believe it's brought on from stress caused by your neighbours. Stress can cause havoc with your health - log it with your GP and they have a duty to provide you with some support and care and signpost you to support as necessary. It might also work in your favour should the dispute with the neighbours go further as it's evidence you've been pushed to the edge. You can do it, give them a call!

It's so upsetting that people are saying you should just move. WHY should you just move? Because some horrible racist evil bullies next door have decided they don't like you? They've got the problem, THEY should move if they don't like it and I'd be tempted to tell them so. It's your home, your families home, they shouldn't be able to drive you from that. Fucking bastards.

Speaking from experience, they wont change. Just move if you can. Life is too short to live like that

Your GP doesn't need a blow by blow account, just a one line summary.

The original issues were not ok but it was unfair and hurtful of you to try and put your friends in the middle and then freeze them out with no explanation when they didn't want to get involved. I think that was a mistake - I see you thought you were doing the right thing at the time but surely you can see now it wasn't the right decision? That was not a nice thing to do. I would be really hurt if a friend asked me to get in the middle of their dispute with a third party and then ghosted me when I declined.

I do not think you deserved the abuse from the first set of neighbours.

I do think you have contributed to relations with the second set of neighbours deteriorating. I'm not saying that to make you feel worse, but because if you repeat that pattern with new neighbours you might end up with another miserable situation again.

I didn't understand the bra thing - you mean they had bras on their washing line? I'm not sure I would have appreciated that my neighbour expected me not to hang bras on my washing line for a period of time after they had surgery (how long?). How did you come to tell people who have been racially abusing you that you were having breast reconstruction surgery? Why would you share such personal information with them?

Why is your 11 year old anxious of being watched? That surprised me. Is he anxious because in the past the watching has led to verbal abuse? Or because he knows you are anxious and it is rubbing off on him?

I can see why, but it seems to me you've reached a point where you're taking everything as a personal slight and viewing everyone as out to get you. It seems that mindset might be making you combative and that won't help.

Nobody is going to "win" here, so don't stay out of stubbornness. Moving would give you all a chance for a fresh start and to learn from this, and an opportunity to set boundaries from the beginning.

It's futile to fight against people like that. Like pp said, move if you can.

@MrsKin90 thank you so much for your response.
I really do appreciate it.
The lady from the council said that nuisance it's not limited to 11pm and 7am and loud music and other household noise including TV at an inappropriate volume at any time can as well constitute nuisance.

So basically whatever I do and is heard is a nuisance to my neighbours :-(

I'm going to see GP on Tuesday as my breast need to be checked and I see if I will have enough strength to mention my problems.

The thing is that as far as I can see people are shared between if I am being unreasonable or not which may suggest that maybe there is something wrong with me.
What about if GP will think the same?

Maybe I overreact?

I have loud neighbours that make my life a misery and I would love neighbours like your family who are considerate with their noise. You aren’t doing anything wrong they are complaining because they are bullies and have each other as back up to their lies. It is obvious they are making it up or at least exaggerating the sounds. Let them complain, the council will see you aren’t doing anything wrong. They will expect the neighbours to record everything and only if it’s seen as a nuisance will they act. Don’t live in silence and avoid doing things you want to, it’s your home and your son should feel comfortable and safe. Keep your own diary of noise to see if it matches theirs, if it doesn’t you can report them for harassment as you are entitled to live in your home comfortably without this abuse.

You said you're not going to consider moving. Why not?

It will be the quickest and easiest way to get rid of them.

@IIshihtzuknot that's very kind of you. Thank you.

We have to remember that in fact I share walls only with two neighbours but I share garden fence with two others that live opposite.
None of them ever said to us that our garden work is unreasonable.
Sometimes we have to drill when they're having BBQ and they happily offer us some wine saying that garden looks beautiful when they see it from their windows and they hope we'll invite them once it will be finished off and safe to do it
So it's just for these two families that we are bad

@Fitlarwa it doesn't matter what people on the internet think at the end of the day, we're not in the situation but you are. Do YOU think you're being unreasonable? Do you think your TV is too loud?
The council will come out and if your TV is too loud they'll tell you and you can turn it down and then you'll know. It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable though. To be honest I would object to someone next door having a piano in terraced housing, but only if they played it all day.
Write down your issues you want to discuss with the GP, if you get too anxious to talk just give them the list and then discuss. I often get too panicked and feel silly bringing things up with my GP so I usually announce I've got a list when I walk in so they prompt me to work through it.
Maybe with some support from the GP you'll start to see things as clearly as possible, and that might make you see if you're being overly sensitive or not but you can only be pushed so far before everything feels like the hardest thing ever so I'm not surprised. Maybe things won't feel so bad after you see the GP.
Could you try to stand together as a family and go into the garden together to play with the dog? Just ignore your neighbours if you can whilst you're out there. Lead by example for your son by showing him you're not afraid.
I hope this all works out for you.

@user187428496 you are right it was my mistake to ask my good friends do that they talk with their friends about them being racist against my family and being anti-social.
We just didn't want to escalate the problem.
What I would expect from good friends would be a polite " NO sorry we don't want to get involved" instead of " oh we really like them, she is breast feeding so has Hermine imbalance"
So they were defending them. Is this the way how friends behave?
Friends support each other and if they can't they say it

I love how people say to you "just move". It is not easy to just up and move; it would be great if that was the case.
My only advice to you would be to write a letter to both sets of neighbours. Explain to them that you would like to work through these problems so you can all just get on with your lives.
It sounds like a campaign of hate towards you, most likely due to your nationality. It's awful and my heart goes out to you. We have Polish neighbours (very hardworking family) and I'd rather have them living near me rather than a load of racist English hooligans! I really do feel for you.
You have done nothing wrong. As I said my only advice would be to try and reason with the neighbours. I wish you the best of luck

You need to stop caring about what they think. The council are not going to find you’re creating a noise nuisance when you’re not. Headphones for the piano is a good idea. Try not to let them see they’re getting to you, although I appreciate this is probably easier said than done.

I do think you were possible a little unwise to stop being friendly with your neighbours that were friends simply because they didn’t want to get involved, many people would choose not to intervene in someone else’s dispute. It must have been hurtful for them to be cut off for this reason alone.

I feel for you as it must be awful to feel you can’t enjoy your own home.

@Midsommar thank you. Indeed, it's not easy to move.
If I knew that I will sell my house at the price to enable me to live elsewhere as nice as in my town having a similar house to the one I live then possibly I would move out.
But if I sell me house I won't get the price I paid plus a lot of money was put in to refurbish bathrooms, kitchen etc
For the money I won't buy anything nice and definitely not near my son's school and it's a selective grammar school thus a great opportunity for him and we don't want to take him from there.
We need to find the way to stop those people to bully us.
I'm hoping that maybe someone from police will read my post and will give me contact details of where to go, maybe psychologist will read it and tell me how I can go myself with stress etc

I just need help!

I've got a great job, both with husband we are very successful.
I don't want to loose my job because I can't focus on doing what I'm supposed to do.
My role expects from me to be focused as I work for large corporation.
Now during Covid it's difficult to keep jobs and I need to do my job at expected level as otherwise I will loose it.

Your GP is the best person to see for help with the stress, the Police will not be able to help with this.

If you feel you are the victims of harassment then report your neighbours to the Police. I do not know if what you have experienced will be considered harassment in legal terms (not saying I don’t think it’s bad enough, I just don’t know what the threshold is), but if it is then they will help.