To be annoyed at a friend because of this

[Upset11friend]

Right so basically one of my close friends has had a child during the pandemic and of course I am still yet to meet her properly which is too understandable. However, what I am starting to get quite upset about is the fact that we are allowed to mix in small social bubbles now and I still have not been offered to meet her, it might only be family that have met my friend’s daughter but I should think by now that, given how close we were, that I now would be invited?

My friend does have anxiety, and I have always been there for her when she’s wanted to talk. Even after I had a baby we still did things together on weekends once or twice a month, as well as meeting up between those times for a chat. My friend was always encouraging for us to go for drinks now and again after I had my baby and sometimes I did feel a bit pressured because I didn’t want her to think that our friendship wasn’t important anymore. I just don’t get why I haven’t been invited to meet her little girl officially, I don’t mind being at a distance either, and she’d know this because I’ve never been one to want to hold other people’s babies! I’ve seen my friend and her baby at a distance out once but that’s it. I did offer for them to come around and hang out in the garden, or I come to her, when the restrictions were first lifted and she seemed grateful of the offer, but it hasn’t gone any further at all. I know she might be paranoid of me spreading germs due to the pandemic but surely being her close friend she wouldn’t think of me being so reckless to put myself in a position of catching covid (believe me I take all the precautions when shopping and don’t see other people out of shopping besides from my parents who don’t see anyone else outside of shopping and are ott with hygiene like me!) so I wouldn’t want to meet if I ever thought there was a chance of me having it, and anyway I don’t have to be indoors with them anyway, and don’t even have to hold her daughter, I just want to see her properly and just to have a chat with my friend and catch up!

I’m very worried that even after this pandemic has cleared that our friendship will never be the same. I think she won’t want to do much out of house without her daughter even when the pandemics over. She’s always been a control freak and she’s always been encouraging to do something when it suits her like going for a drink when I’ve said I don’t think I can leave my baby because bla bla bla but it’s always been “oh it’ll be ok” when it suits her. Like she moaned when she had a small hotel room at a family members’ birthday event before with a small uncomfortable bed when she was a few months pregnant but it was fine for me to sleep on a sofa bed when I was 6 months pregnant when we went away for the weekend!

Am I being unreasonable to think that this will affect our friendship and it’ll never be the same?

YABU, your post is a list of snide comments about someone you think is a close friend, and petty grievances. You have met the baby in a distanced way, yet you expect her to know you don't consider that an official introduction.

You don't come across well at all in your post, perhaps read back through it and try to put yourself in her shoes a little bit (instead of shoehorning her into your shoes, even though you didn't like your choices).

If you have seen the baby at a distance then you've met the baby?

If your friend is usually controlling and anxious then she may be really struggling. I don't think you have shown much care or understanding for her.

I am afraid your post does seem to be all about you and your needs and I can't imagine writing anything so scathing or judgemental about my best friend.

This has got to be a wind up, since OP has not been back.

@TwinklyTwinkle

Do you get all guests to sit outdoors in PPE? I don’t get it either.

You sound really self centered. Grow up.

During the pandemic my sister has adopted two children. We're very close but I haven't met my new family members yet and I don't expect to any time soon. I am due to give birth very soon and she also won't be able to meet my new baby until the time is right for everyone. We're all trying to juggle different things and trying to adapt to a new normal in this very abnormal situation. I feel bad that I can't do more to support her during this time when she did so much for me when I had my children. The most I've been able to do is send a take away voucher and offer help and support via WhatsApp. As her sister I know that I'm not at the front of the queue to meet their new children and that's OK. I will meet them when things are more settled. I just really feel for her having to go through this life changing experience at such a strange time. I think you need to be more understanding and compassionate towards your friend.

The masks and gloves seem a bit excessive Tbh, if everyone is a 2 metre distance and have clean hands then I don't see the point.

It seems like there are a few things here.

One thing is that when you were pregnant and had a baby first she didnt quite get how hard it was and you always did a lot to try and keep up and keep fitting in with her. It sounds like she's now realising what it's like and unlike you she's not pushing herself. If she's exhausted and just dealing with all the emotions and lack of time with being a new mum, she's putting that and her baby first. Not you. And I suppose you could've done the same and feel rubbish that you didint. Also in normal times she might have pushed herself to see you, but covid has made everything so much more extreme. (Also in reality, people do experience pregnancy and having children very differently. Maybe she just thought you coped better? You've already said she's anxious and no offence but you do sound quite intense.)

I have an 8 month old and I'm barely seeing anyone, just a few family members. Things have changed. A tiny newborn is so so susceptible and you need to respect her views. Also you can go on about how careful you are, but if you ever do anything there is ALWAYS a risk. Even with a mask, gloves etc. And you could be asymptomatic.

Have you even spoken to her about any of this? She's probably doing what I did and only seeing people when they asked and even then only on her own terms. Covid changes everything though. Please just let her be.

Like I said, my ds is 8 months and I'm still avoiding most people like the plague.

@TwinklyTwinkle I think you have misunderstood what cross contamination means in this context. Yes the gloves were new, I doubt they were sterile though. Outside of a clinical setting gloves will do more harm than good. You must wash or sanitise your hands before putting them on correctly otherwise all you do is contaminate them with anything that is on your hands. As soon as the person wearing them put them on and touched say the arm of a chair, their face or a coffee mug then you have the potential for cross contamination. They are supposed to be single use. If you open door with them on or touch anything they should be discarded correctly following the proper procedure for removal and then hands washed or sanitsied before you touch anything else. They really have no place outside of a clinical setting.

You are aware of the risks to the baby during a pandemic? Also I don't think you fully understand what the "bubble" is. I am close to my friends and want their kids and mines to play but my family etc come first. These are unpressidented times, but her some slack.

You need to get over yourself. Her having a child is not about you.

YABU and slightly mean. Just accept that she's handling her situation differently to how you handled yours.

I had one friend who didn't allow anyone except her and her DH to hold their baby for the first 6 months of her life. Including Grandparents and Godparents (I'm one of them - the first time I held her was at the christening). She's 9 now and delightful, happy and just as ridiculous as every other 9 year old. Every parent does things their way - she's doing this hers.

YABU you said she suffers with anxiety, that's probably a hint as to why she's not meeting people with her brand new baby in the middle of a pandemic