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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell friend the real reason why I can't help with childcare?

80 replies

Letmebeloved · 03/07/2020 23:21

A friend of both DH and I has been asking for help with childcare over the summer. DH refuses to help with anything around the house and/or anything to do with the children. I also work on top of all this.

Usually I would help her out but DH's behaviour has become increasingly unbearable and i am struggling to manage.

Would I be unreasonable to be honest and tell her the reason why i won't be able to help her out this time or is that being disloyal to DH?

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/07/2020 07:04

You’re clearly very apprehensive about sharing this information with your friend. If you’re just going to worry after confiding in her, just don’t do it. Talking to your friends about your problems should offer you some relief and doing that with this friend clearly won’t do that.
Xx

Di11y · 04/07/2020 07:25

could you not just say you're struggling to cope with what you've got on your own plate at the moment, DH isn't v helpful.

Timekeeper1 · 04/07/2020 07:40

OP your husband sounds terrible. Why do you want to be with a man who doesn't consider himself a member of the household and is not houseproud to do anything? Worse, he is a deadbeat father who appears to want nothing at all to do with his own children. Like as if he is merely a sperm donor. Why settle for garbage who clearly never wanted children and never wanted a home and a family?

pigeon999 · 04/07/2020 07:46

I would simply say

'We have so much on our plate at the moment, with the kids and working, the lockdown - I wish I could help you but I can't this summer. I hope you manage to get something sorted soon'

End of. You do not need to explain to your friend the reasons, nor get involved in a lengthy debate about your marriage. It is unreasonable of her to expect childcare given the circumstances at the moment.

I am not sure why your dh is not helping or what the reasons are for that, but that is a separate issue. You do not owe your friend childcare.

Stay firm and say no, you already sound overwhelmed to me. Look after yourself.

Gizlotsmum · 04/07/2020 07:52

I wouldn't give her the details. I would be telling your husband to get over himself and help.

TooOldForThis67 · 04/07/2020 08:01

A bit more history needed. Have you helped out before? Does she help you? Do kids go to the same school? I'm not sure it's even allowed unless your two families are in a bubble?

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/07/2020 08:01

Your priority is not living with an unbearable dh

pictish · 04/07/2020 08:03

I agree. Just tell her you can’t do it. Do not go into your marriage, your dh’s behaviour, any of that...not to protect him but just because it’s needless. You don’t owe her childcare or an explanation...you don’t need to explain yourself by revealing private problems...you are not answerable to her or anyone else.
She doesn’t need to know.

Pinkdelight3 · 04/07/2020 08:16

I don't think it matters to your friend why you can't do it. Her goal is to get your help with childcare and even if you tell her the truth, she could well still be focused on why you should still help her. Just say you've got your hands full with work and your own kids (and your useless husband, you can throw in if you're feeling like it) but really the only salient point is that it's an unequivocal no.

Arrivederla · 04/07/2020 08:50

Why are you putting up with this behaviour from him?

pictish · 04/07/2020 08:54

@Arrivederla

Why are you putting up with this behaviour from him?

I hate these accusatory posts. Nothing helpful just a dig.

Beautiful3 · 04/07/2020 08:56

I would just say, "I can't because I'm working, and have the children. It would be too much for me to look after extra children." And leave it at that, she doesnt need to know everything. No one in their right mind would take offence at that.

Ugzbugz · 04/07/2020 09:00

I would wonder why you was still with such a horrible abuser and go out of my way to help you, are you going to leave him?

fuzzymoon · 04/07/2020 09:07

You need to think about why you feel it's being disloyal to your H by saying what is happening . That you don't want to upset his feelings.

What about your H not caring that you are doing all the housework. That he's not interested in being responsible for his children.

Why are you worrying about his feelings when he doesn't show respect for yours.

I think that you may feel saying it out loud to a friend makes it real.

InFiveMins · 04/07/2020 09:07

I would not only tell your friend the truth but ask her for help in getting out of that marriage, to be honest. Sounds awful.

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 04/07/2020 09:18

"Sorry but I can't - I'm struggling with everything that's going on at the moment and DH isn't being much help"

that tells everything and nothing....if she probes up to you how you answer but I wouldn't be disloyal to dh - I have in the past overshared and its come back to bite me....

Chickychickydodah · 04/07/2020 09:23

Just tell her that your circumstances have changed and you can’t do it any more. You don’t have to tell her anything.

MakeItRain · 04/07/2020 09:31

I agree you don't need to tell her anything. Do you have other friends you can confide in? I think the current situation is enough of a reason to refuse to five your friend free childcare over the summer. Just tell her you have been stressed enough managing your own children and simply can't offer to look after hers.
The situation with your dh is a separate issue which maybe you can think about when you feel a bit stronger.

PenelopePitstop49 · 04/07/2020 09:47

It's bad enough you're being a doormat for your DH.

Let alone a friend on top.

My DH is naturally lazy. So when he steps back and leaves it to me, nothing gets done at all. He's had no clean clothes for 2 weeks as he's too lazy to put it in the machine. Do I give a fuck?! The hell I do.

Your DH is a fully functioning adult who is making a decision to treat you like a slave, and you're stupid enough to be doing it for him. That's on you just as much as it is him.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 04/07/2020 10:09

Why do you need to tell a reason if you don't want to/can't? Why can't you not just say you can't? It's a favour, saying no shouldn't affect your friendship.

LannieDuck · 04/07/2020 10:09

Deciding whether to tell your friend your DH is lazy is a distraction from deciding what to do about the fact your DH is lazy.

...but I'm assuming it's because he's lazy. Is it because he's a misogynist and thinks he has a penis, so doesn't have to do chores.

How on earth does he justify you both working FT and one parent taking on all the cooking/childcare when the other parent does none?

Sunnywaves · 04/07/2020 10:10

Tell her in front of him.
"I would help but DH doesn't do anything in the house or with the children so I"m sorry I have enough to do myself."
If he challenges that then you can have the much needed discussion.
He is only looking like he"s a good guy because you are helping with the illusion.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 04/07/2020 10:21

But why does it have to be something to do with dh anyway? Op is doing a favour for her friend, though it maybe friend for both of them. She asked her, not dh. She must know he wouldn't help. So, simple no can do. And the fact op's dh doesn't help with things is a different matter.

Junenamechange · 04/07/2020 11:57

I would tell her. Then I would tell DH I had told her. But that's me. If he acts a certain way then he has to own it.

Evelefteden · 04/07/2020 12:13

@Sunnywaves

Tell her in front of him. "I would help but DH doesn't do anything in the house or with the children so I"m sorry I have enough to do myself." If he challenges that then you can have the much needed discussion. He is only looking like he"s a good guy because you are helping with the illusion.

And then the friend would want the ground to swallow her up for being in the middle of a passive aggressive argument

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