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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend the real reason why I can't help with childcare?

80 replies

Letmebeloved · 03/07/2020 23:21

A friend of both DH and I has been asking for help with childcare over the summer. DH refuses to help with anything around the house and/or anything to do with the children. I also work on top of all this.

Usually I would help her out but DH's behaviour has become increasingly unbearable and i am struggling to manage.

Would I be unreasonable to be honest and tell her the reason why i won't be able to help her out this time or is that being disloyal to DH? Blush

OP posts:
SmallChickBilly · 03/07/2020 23:52

You are rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic! Telling your friend might help you to get some perspective on why your husband is treating you like this and what your next steps might be. If she's a good friend, she'll want to help and if she isn't, then you know she wasn't worth worrying about childcare for.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 03/07/2020 23:53

Why is your friend asking for your help with childcare when you're already working and looking after your own children?

Tell her (I'm assuming it's a her, as men don't seem to end up with the job of arranging childcare ever) that you can't, as you're doing your H's share already and can't manage any more. Why cover up for him?

ECBC · 03/07/2020 23:54

What SmallChickBilly said

SnagAndChips · 03/07/2020 23:57

So she is a close enough friend to ask foe a lot of childcare, but not close enough to share a huge worry with?

Ellmau · 04/07/2020 00:08

Not unreasonable t say sorry but you're struggling to cope with your own DC atm, even if you omit the reason for that being your 'D'H.

DopamineHits · 04/07/2020 00:14

Has she given you reason to think she's disloyal? I would never report back to a friend's husband.

But the friend isn't the main issue. Are you starting to draw up your exit plan?

Letseatgrandma · 04/07/2020 00:16

These are two separate issues.

Tell your friend you can’t do childcare for her as you have too much on your plate.

Tell your DH that he needs to step up or you don’t want to be married to him any more.

Quartz2208 · 04/07/2020 00:32

You have bigger issues if your dh I’d refusing to help

PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2020 00:36

No, don’t tell her. Just say you have too much on.

Then try to deal with the actual problem.

babycakes1010 · 04/07/2020 00:40

Tell her and shame him!

Viviennemary · 04/07/2020 01:03

No I wouldn't. Just say you are struggling and can't help out at the moment.

SoulofanAggron · 04/07/2020 01:06

Sorry to hear things aren't going well. Talk to your friends, if you think you can trust their confidence. It's what friends are for, and healthy. xxx

sitckmansladylove · 04/07/2020 01:09

Firstly you have your own dc and are working so that should be enough of a reason. If you have said no, she is cheeky to keep in asking.

Secondly ditch the dh! At least you would get a break when he has access.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2020 01:12

One of my friends is exH's best friend in the whole world, since childhood. I'm also mates with his wife and so he hears a lot. He admits that exH is a great mate but an utterly shit H. He supported me through the divorce and a couple of times I heard he said "don't be a cunt" or words to that effect when exH was thinking of doing something shitty.

You never know what people really think.

0963158b · 04/07/2020 01:57

I agree that it's not as simple as just telling her. But perhaps you could say that things have been difficult and you're struggling to manage, much as you'd love to help, and you don't want to break any confidences by saying more as it wouldn't be fair.

Italiangreyhound · 04/07/2020 02:44

Letmebeloved tell her or don't tell her, it's up to you.

But, do not offer any childcare when you are already struggling. Aren't we still all meant to be socially distancing? how can you look after someone else's child while socially distancing?

Your main issue here is your husband is letting you and your children down. Address that issue. Put your effort and energy into either changing your marriage, for the better, or exiting it for the better.

If your friend asks I would probably say that things are quite tough at the moment and I am not able to help. But before I said it I would try and address this with your dh.

You really do not owe your friend an explanation why a working woman with children cannot look after another person's child/ren on top of her own.

TehBewilderness · 04/07/2020 02:50

Be honest and tell her you have as many balls in the air as you can manage right now.

OhDearMe2019 · 04/07/2020 02:54

Heart goes out to you. You've got a bigger problem than turning down your friend for her ask for childcare, though. When did he stop doing anything with children and housework or has it always been this way? What will you do about it, as it sound miserable? I'd tell everyone, my parents, his parents, friends, childcare asker etc. Pick the rock up off the ground and expose the slimy weevil for what he is, unless it would be unsafe.

Coyoacan · 04/07/2020 03:35

You can tell your friend or not. But I am concerned with this comment: she might not believe me and tell him what I've said and then it makes things worse

How could it be worse?

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2020 03:53

@user1473878824

Who the fuck cares about being disloyal to someone so completely rubbish?
This. Why does he get a say seeing as he does nothing to help you?
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2020 05:56

I don’t see how things can get any worse. If you tell your friend what is going on, unless she’s a total bitch, the most she will be able to do is shame him. I’d go for something along the lines of: “I’d love to help. But I can’t. I’m struggling to do everything in the house and looking after the children by myself. Plus work. I really couldn’t cope with looking after x and y on top. I’m so sorry.”

Headshoulderskneesandtoes22 · 04/07/2020 06:29

Been there OP.As pp have said the problem isn’t the childcare it’s your DH. Are you contemplating ending your marriage/can you see that it might not last? If you aren’t in that place yet then I can see why you wouldn’t want to tell your friend. How good a friend is she? If she is a very good friend then I would probably tell her. She isn’t blind....she can almost certainly see that he doesn’t pull his weight. I held it together for the sake of what other people think for a long time. Eventually I told my closest friends (one of whom is actually DHs friend), and they have been nothing but supportive. But it took me years to get to that point. DH still haven’t separated but it’s very Rocky marriage and holding it together for the outside world whilst staying sane just isn’t possible anymore. Having people who know really helps.

Spinakker · 04/07/2020 06:31

No I probably wouldn't tell if it's a mutual friend. I would just say something like "im really sorry but I'm not sleeping well at the moment and work is stressful, I don't think I'd be able to manage it."

Headshoulderskneesandtoes22 · 04/07/2020 06:44

Also, is this someone who you rely on for childcare? If yes is it ok if she says no in the future...will that leave you stuck?

MagneticPic · 04/07/2020 06:46

Don't tell her, OP. TBH I find it pretty cheeky of your friend to ask you to provide free childcare. For that reason alone, I would not tell her about your (d)h. She is as much a freeloader as your partner.

Instead:

Work on your boundaries and practice saying no.