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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying to work from home and DH does this?

66 replies

toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 12:57

I have been trying to work through lockdown. When I say trying, I REALLY mean trying. I am used to working from home, but not with a house full of people. There is no dedicated space that I can use. Nowhere to hide.

Despite my DH not being able to work he has not wanted to help with schoolwork with our youngest DC. I can't work and do it. Given I'm the only one working I kind of need to do it. He has found it really hard to be motivated to do anything. There are loads of things that need doing and he's been sat watching crap tv.

He goes back to work tomorrow. And today (when I have a massive deadline, and should be working on that TBH rather than venting on here)... TODAY he has decided to clear out his wardrobe. Queue constant interruptions by our youngest DC (always aimed at me) and yet another space I could have used to hide away out of action (bedroom, not wardrobe 😂).

I don't know if it's an AIBU or just a vent, but surely I should have had more support during this? It means me having to work into the night AGAIN or over the weekend to catch up. I would LOVE to be able to lay in bed until 11am every day FFS.

He is normally really hard working, working all the hours. I get this is an opportunity to recuperate but seriously? He has been cooking dinner and some hoovering/tidying but that is about it. I'm shattered. Is it just me going through this?

Just in case.... Daily Mail/Sun/to whoever it concerns. Do not publish without permission

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/07/2020 12:59

You need to tell him. If he ignores you then that tells you everything you need to know about him.

Tinamou · 03/07/2020 13:02

YANBU. He should have stepped up with the home schooling while he wasn't working.

Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 13:04

I've told him and told him. It makes no difference

OP posts:
Cadent · 03/07/2020 13:04

He’s a knob who doesn’t value your career.

Put your foot down and claim a space.

Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 13:13

I've been trying for the last 3 months

OP posts:
Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 13:16

I think he got the message; I pointed out he has had the last 3 months to do this and he chooses to do it the day before he goes back. He has cleared out the bedroom super quick and I now have a space. But it's quarter past one now!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/07/2020 13:25

How have you allowed this for 3 months.

I guess he's one of those men that 'helps' with his own children. Or, maybe even doesn't do that bare minimum, as in this case.

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 03/07/2020 13:28

Just in case.... Daily Mail/Sun/to whoever it concerns. Do not publish without permission

You know that makes absolutely no difference!

Fairenuff · 03/07/2020 13:40

What is there to publish anyway Confused

Woman bears burden of childcare is hardly headline news is it.

vanillandhoney · 03/07/2020 13:44

Your disclaimer makes no difference.

bonjonbovi · 03/07/2020 13:50

Editors of newspapers are now cursing that they’ve missed this scoop!

AriettyHomily · 03/07/2020 13:51

Why do people put this daft disclaimer?

Cadent · 03/07/2020 13:52

FFS can people ignore OP’s disclaimer and focus on the issue at hand. I have no desire to play thread police but the nit-picking is nasty and unnecessary given OP has posted it in good faith.

And the tabloids have published some dull stories so OP is not BU to add a disclaimer if she wants to.

OP, glad you’ve got the space you need now. Just keep putting your foot down!

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/07/2020 13:59

But what does he say? When you point out the vast discrepancies between what you are doing and what he is doing over lockdown - what is his comeback? Does he say he will do it and then just...not? Or does he whine about how hard he works and that he should be allowed 'a rest'? That should tell you a lot.

Quartz2208 · 03/07/2020 14:00

Maybe the Daily Mail should publish this OP and this he would be embarrass at the notion that he clearly feels childcare/home schooling and housework are beneath him

How on earth can you live with such a man who seems to think he just needs to work

Pinkdelight3 · 03/07/2020 14:13

I know the papers publish some guff, but 'Man cleans out wardrobe' is a stretch.

Otherwise yanbu OP, except for putting up with someone like this: "Despite my DH not being able to work he has not wanted to help with schoolwork with our youngest DC."

BarbsBaps · 03/07/2020 14:20

he sounds awful.

how can you have put up with this for 3 months? you say you've told him and told him, but in most loving relationships this wouldn't have gone on like this.

i don't know why he's purposefully undermining your ability to work. he sounds exhausting.

is he worth the effort to find out why the fuck he's doing it?
(does he not understand the impact on you? does he want you in a financially vulnerable position so you're easier to control? does he earn more and thus feels entitled, like your job isn't real.. something else?)

i honestly don't know how you can sit around watching your loved on struggle to work, deal with children, know that housework needs doing.. and not just automatically help out. i mean, a flatmate would have been treating you with more respect during this time.

he has less respect for you than a flatmate.

it doesn't say much good about how much he cares about you.

Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 14:29

@Fairenuff

How have you allowed this for 3 months.

I guess he's one of those men that 'helps' with his own children. Or, maybe even doesn't do that bare minimum, as in this case.

I haven't "allowed" it. I have been very vocal about what I need. He is a grown man. I can't "make" him do anything
OP posts:
Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 14:35

He has been struggling, he find it really hard not working.

I don't know how much clearer I could be. I often telling how I'm feeling/ what I need and he just doesn't seem capable to responding to it. He never used to be like this.

To all of you who have just come on here to criticise me, just remember I am someone who is struggling enough without a load of sarcasm being thrown at me. Just because you are tapping into a keyboard doesn't mean there isn't a human being at the end of it.

OP posts:
Polyxena · 03/07/2020 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IntermittentParps · 03/07/2020 14:44

he has not wanted to help with schoolwork with our youngest DC.

Tough shit. HIS child needs schooling. He's one parent. He should have stepped up and done his bit.

He sounds like a tit. I'd have lost my rag with him long ago.

Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 14:47

@Polyxena

Why on earth do you think the Sun or any newspaper for that matter would be interested in this? And what effect do you think your disclaimer will have?

‘Ooh look, we could have published this juicy scoop about some woman’s husband being useless around the house but she’s added a note to her post to say we can’t. Damn! Foiled again!’

Just stop. What happened to be kind? How is this helping me?
OP posts:
Original poster
toothfairy73 · 03/07/2020 14:48

@IntermittentParps

he has not wanted to help with schoolwork with our youngest DC.

Tough shit. HIS child needs schooling. He's one parent. He should have stepped up and done his bit.

He sounds like a tit. I'd have lost my rag with him long ago.

I have lost my shit. Lots. He argues it's unprecedented times, that she will catch up. Yes she is tearful and struggling and we don't want to put too much pressure on her. I get that. But it's just not as important to him as it is to me.
OP posts:
ClareBlue · 03/07/2020 14:51

The answer is you are not being UR to expect more support and a dedicated work space under the circumstances you described. But just because YNBU, doesn't help you sort this. I think you need to explain the consequences of you not getting your work done to the family. If this doesn't work then consider changing your work patterns so you don't even try before lunch, if this is possible. Then work late. Not ideal, but you have a choice of adapting, giving up or kicking him out. Comments about how he should or shouldn't do so and so don't help anyone. That's not the point. Assuming this is just a temp issue due to circumstances, best to vent on here, adapt as you can, take comfort that YNBU, and move on to the next stage. Take a well deserved break on your own when it gets back on an even keal and treat yourself.

namechange8765422 · 03/07/2020 14:52

Ignore the trolls on here. You're having a fucking hard time at home and the last thing you came here for was another hard time. Here I've made you a brew ... Brew and ooh look have a slice of cake too to go with it Cake. Hope you've managed to get a bit of peace to reach your deadline. XXX

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