Trying to work from home and DH does this?

[toothfairy73]

I have been trying to work through lockdown. When I say trying, I REALLY mean trying. I am used to working from home, but not with a house full of people. There is no dedicated space that I can use. Nowhere to hide.

Despite my DH not being able to work he has not wanted to help with schoolwork with our youngest DC. I can't work and do it. Given I'm the only one working I kind of need to do it. He has found it really hard to be motivated to do anything. There are loads of things that need doing and he's been sat watching crap tv.

He goes back to work tomorrow. And today (when I have a massive deadline, and should be working on that TBH rather than venting on here)... TODAY he has decided to clear out his wardrobe. Queue constant interruptions by our youngest DC (always aimed at me) and yet another space I could have used to hide away out of action (bedroom, not wardrobe 😂).

I don't know if it's an AIBU or just a vent, but surely I should have had more support during this? It means me having to work into the night AGAIN or over the weekend to catch up. I would LOVE to be able to lay in bed until 11am every day FFS.

He is normally really hard working, working all the hours. I get this is an opportunity to recuperate but seriously? He has been cooking dinner and some hoovering/tidying but that is about it. I'm shattered. Is it just me going through this?

Just in case.... Daily Mail/Sun/to whoever it concerns. Do not publish without permission

I know the DM is low brow but even they wouldn't be interested in this

I don't understand why you have waited until now to complain? Bit late now isn't it?

Disclaimer aside, that point has been made...

He’s a dick. He clearly doesn’t care what you think. This isn’t a partnership, he does what he wants and you pick up the slack.

Is that a pattern through your whole life?

I’d honestly be getting the work done to meet the deadline, and then preparing to talk to him this weekend or next week about either acting as a team, even if he doesn’t want to do whatever needs to be done, or not being a team.

I don’t think I know anyone who had wanted to homeschool over the past three months. The unprecedented times are exactly why he needed too. Being behind everyone else isn’t going to hrlp your daughter if she’s already anxious and struggling...

But it’s not even just this issue. It’s the resounding lack of support and care he’s shown you and your career. That’d be massively damaging to me.

it's just not as important to him as it is to me.

There is your answer
How old are dc?
They will be OK
What happens now he goes back to work do you have childcare while you earning?

Try to ignore the twats @toothfairy73

Focus on your deadline, and I understand your vent.

I haven't "allowed" it. I have been very vocal about what I need. He is a grown man. I can't "make" him do anything

You can't control his actions but you can control your own.

What do you do when he refuses to parent his child? Nothing, that's what.

He knows that you will complain about it for a bit and then carry on as normal. He knows this. He has no incentive to change.

Do you ever get migraines?
If not, now’s the time to start suffering from them intermittently.
A few hours in bed where he has to do all the childcare for a full 3 days, might wake him up to what your current workload is like.

My DH was very much of the mind ‘I’m the breadwinner, you’re the SAHP’. Until he got very sick (cancer) and I had to care for toddler and DH. Since he recovered, he took early retirement and it’s like he’s been replaced by an alien. He does loads around the house and has supervised 90% of the school work. This has involved him having to learn another language to help DS.

In the old days, I’d have a migraine with projectile vomiting (genuinely suffer) and he’d refuse to come home from work to give me a break from the toddler. I used to feel so taken for granted and unloved.

I think his serious illness made he rethink his priorities.

I can't believe the responses I'm reading here. Is there something in the water today?? Absolutely hateful, like some of the worst I've ever seen on here.

OP your dh is an arse and I'm sorry, maybe head over to relationships for some compassion.

Thank you @ClareBlue that is what I'm trying to do. I will work late tonight. It's just exhausting and I just want to stop. I just wanted to vent, not be attacked for putting in a disclaimer or what a shit my husband in. Just wanted a friendly ear: Mumsnet seems to offer that less and less now

Jesus. Why the hell have you all decided it's a great idea to tell the OP her disclaimer makes no difference. Have a fucking word with yourselves.

Sorry, OP It's shit.
Head down, do the work, redirect the child to Dad as often as it takes and I hope the vent has made you feel better. You're not alone - all the statistics and surveys prove that.

@ShellsAndSunrises

Disclaimer aside, that point has been made...

He’s a dick. He clearly doesn’t care what you think. This isn’t a partnership, he does what he wants and you pick up the slack.

Is that a pattern through your whole life?

I’d honestly be getting the work done to meet the deadline, and then preparing to talk to him this weekend or next week about either acting as a team, even if he doesn’t want to do whatever needs to be done, or not being a team.

I don’t think I know anyone who had wanted to homeschool over the past three months. The unprecedented times are exactly why he needed too. Being behind everyone else isn’t going to hrlp your daughter if she’s already anxious and struggling...

But it’s not even just this issue. It’s the resounding lack of support and care he’s shown you and your career. That’d be massively damaging to me.

I have my own issues around complex ptsd and self worth. Yes I'm aware of this. Yes I'm finding my voice. It is taking time though.

@Embracelife

it's just not as important to him as it is to me.

There is your answer
How old are dc?
They will be OK
What happens now he goes back to work do you have childcare while you earning?

No childcare as mum is self isolating. Normally not the summer holidays I get up really early/work late/weekends to catch up. I just haven't been able to do that at the moment with the constant stress of lockdown. Youngest is 7.

He clearly sees children and the home as your work and doesn't give a fuck if your working because he doesn't think your job has value 🤷‍♀️

Thank you @JinnyTheWitch

Thank you @NoSquirrels

How is he normally? Is this completely out of character, so that you can find a way to move past this now that lockdown is easing, or is this a pattern of behaviour? Because if it's the latter, I would seriously be rethinking my marriage. You are supposed to be a team, if he can't step up even after three months, then there is something wrong at a fundamental level.

Is he taking care of your DD but just not doing the schooling? How old is she?

@LightenUpSummer

I can't believe the responses I'm reading here. Is there something in the water today?? Absolutely hateful, like some of the worst I've ever seen on here.

OP your dh is an arse and I'm sorry, maybe head over to relationships for some compassion.

Thank you xxx

@GrandAltogetherSo

Do you ever get migraines? If not, now’s the time to start suffering from them intermittently. A few hours in bed where he has to do all the childcare for a full 3 days, might wake him up to what your current workload is like.

My DH was very much of the mind ‘I’m the breadwinner, you’re the SAHP’. Until he got very sick (cancer) and I had to care for toddler and DH. Since he recovered, he took early retirement and it’s like he’s been replaced by an alien. He does loads around the house and has supervised 90% of the school work. This has involved him having to learn another language to help DS.

In the old days, I’d have a migraine with projectile vomiting (genuinely suffer) and he’d refuse to come home from work to give me a break from the toddler. I used to feel so taken for granted and unloved.

I think his serious illness made he rethink his priorities.

He is currently being tested and is on a 2 week pathway. There is a lot going on.

@dreamingbohemian

How is he normally? Is this completely out of character, so that you can find a way to move past this now that lockdown is easing, or is this a pattern of behaviour? Because if it's the latter, I would seriously be rethinking my marriage. You are supposed to be a team, if he can't step up even after three months, then there is something wrong at a fundamental level.

Is he taking care of your DD but just not doing the schooling? How old is she?

He does take care of her, she just wants me, he gets cross, she wants me even more

No childcare as mum is self isolating. Normally not the summer holidays I get up really early/work late/weekends to catch up. I just haven't been able to do that at the moment with the constant stress of lockdown. Youngest is 7.

I HEAR YOU on this. I also usually WFH, now the house is full, homeschooling and fitting around my DH working too, with his own commitments, I started a new job during lockdown, it is brutal. I am looking at the "summer holidays" with a sort of horrified fascination and dread. No usual options are available. Groundhog day goes on, the list gets longer, there is constant worry about something.

I hope your DH going back to work gives you all a chance to re-set, and re-imagine how you'll work this for the next forseeable. Hopefully, if he is a good bloke just struggling, then him being back at work will allow you to re-define how you can both get everything done. More

I'd be telling him to take the dc out tomorrow for the day so you can have a lie in and rest alone. I work from home normally but I'm really struggling have people in the house all day and I have my own office space. It would drive me crackers otherwise

@BurtsBeesKnees

I'd be telling him to take the dc out tomorrow for the day so you can have a lie in and rest alone. I work from home normally but I'm really struggling have people in the house all day and I have my own office space. It would drive me crackers otherwise

If only! He goes back to work tomorrow. I struggle to read/write anything complex with people milling around

Thank you @NoSquirrels. He is a decent bloke doing his best but he is struggling and so am I. Lockdown would be fine if I hadn't needed to work!

He sounds quite depressed to me, but the end result is the same - a lazy arse. Of course he should have done the home schooling etc. But then pretty much everyone's husband's have done sweet FA whilst patting themselves on the back about clearing away some breakfast cereal...I work full-time and lost over two hours of my working day today to the school run and a kids hospital appointment. He was too busy, but as I'm paid by the day it means we lose the money I would have earned. Great.

He sounds a right tit. Also the disclaimer makes no difference whatsoever. If its in the public domain they can use and reproduce it.

@toothfairy73

Thank you *@ClareBlue* that is what I'm trying to do. I will work late tonight. It's just exhausting and I just want to stop. I just wanted to vent, not be attacked for putting in a disclaimer or what a shit my husband in. Just wanted a friendly ear: Mumsnet seems to offer that less and less now

You’re right OP. Mumsnet has become a toxic place used by people who just want an excuse to be anonymously unkind to others. People who go beyond honesty/straight talking into nastiness. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time at home and hope that you can find a way through this as a family; I would find it hard to forgive my husband though.