Trying to work from home and DH does this?

[toothfairy73]

I have been trying to work through lockdown. When I say trying, I REALLY mean trying. I am used to working from home, but not with a house full of people. There is no dedicated space that I can use. Nowhere to hide.

Despite my DH not being able to work he has not wanted to help with schoolwork with our youngest DC. I can't work and do it. Given I'm the only one working I kind of need to do it. He has found it really hard to be motivated to do anything. There are loads of things that need doing and he's been sat watching crap tv.

He goes back to work tomorrow. And today (when I have a massive deadline, and should be working on that TBH rather than venting on here)... TODAY he has decided to clear out his wardrobe. Queue constant interruptions by our youngest DC (always aimed at me) and yet another space I could have used to hide away out of action (bedroom, not wardrobe 😂).

I don't know if it's an AIBU or just a vent, but surely I should have had more support during this? It means me having to work into the night AGAIN or over the weekend to catch up. I would LOVE to be able to lay in bed until 11am every day FFS.

He is normally really hard working, working all the hours. I get this is an opportunity to recuperate but seriously? He has been cooking dinner and some hoovering/tidying but that is about it. I'm shattered. Is it just me going through this?

Just in case.... Daily Mail/Sun/to whoever it concerns. Do not publish without permission

OP you are not being unreasonable, I am sorry your DH is so bloody useless and I hope things improve.

@toothfairy73 you just mentioned he is currently being tested. Is that for possible cancer or other serious illness? I agree he should be pulling his weight, but if has something like this on his mind, it might explain why he's feeling and acting this way.

[quote longtompot]@toothfairy73 you just mentioned he is currently being tested. Is that for possible cancer or other serious illness? I agree he should be pulling his weight, but if has something like this on his mind, it might explain why he's feeling and acting this way.[/quote]
Hi yes, it's the 2 week cancer pathway. This is on his mind and may explain the last few weeks but not before. I do understand things have been difficult for him; I was ill, he was ill, I was in hospital, and now this testing. All the while he hasn't been able to work and had no idea if/when he would be able to go back. I just would like him to have a little more awareness of the impact this all has had on me. I have said it over and over but it doesn't seem to make a difference; just don't think he has the capacity at the moment for anyone else's emotions and difficulties and it's just exhausting

It sounds as if you are all suffering. He may have known for a while that something is not right at a subconscious level. Or perhaps he’s been tired for a while and ignoring it.

It takes the conscious brain to catch up in my experience of my illnesses and needing repeated surgery. I’m quite in tune with my body as I need to be and it still took me over a month to fully recognise something was wrong both times of needing follow up surgery.

As for your dd, my dd was very much like this. Still is to a certain extent but will now work and do more with her dad, ie my dh. She is yr7.

@Cadent

He’s a knob who doesn’t value your career.

Put your foot down and claim a space.

How exactly do you “put your foot down” though?

Wow, of course YANBU. You're working FT, he's furloughed = he has 100% childcare and household chores during your working hours.

So many threads on here where the woman is juggling all childcare because she's furloughed and he's still working. Even a step-mum who has been left with all the childcare for step-children because her DH and his ex are still working! There are PT women who are juggling it all while their DH continue to work. A thread I recall where a woman was working FT and juggling everything because her DH was working outside the home.

So of course, your furloughed DH should be responsible for childcare during your working hours. That he's refusing to do it is breathtakingly selfish.

FFS there is some snide, judgemental, snippy shit on this thread isn't there? Why not cut it out and give people a break when they're posting here to seek help because they're struggling?

OP I'm sorry about this very unfair situation. If you've talked until you're blue in the face and been ignored, then the only way you're likely to be heard is if you make life uncomfortable for him. Drop the baton. Start with cooking just for you and the kids and letting him get on with his own laundry for starters. Set up a routine whereby home schooling happens say 10.30 for an hour and 1 pm for an hour. You do one, he does the other. Just little things like that can make a big difference. Then if he does sit on his arse watching TV for that hour, you will feel less resentful. And I'd tell him that.

I'm know what a struggle things can be with cPTSD, having suffered with this for many years myself. Have you had support or psychotherapy to treat it? EMDR was a game changer - actually probably a life-changer - for me.

Handhold if you'd like one. It's been a tough few months

Sorry - I also missed the bit where he's furloughed and you're still working FT. That's outrageous.

I think that you should talk about this when it’s not an immediate issue ie not when you’re frustrated with the noise and trying to concentrate.

Wait until the kids are in bed and everything is more relaxed, and tell him that you’d like to chat about what’s been happening. Put your side across calmly and rationally.

How can you stay with someone who doesn't respect you ?
How can you stay with someone who won't help educate your child?

He has no respect for either of you

He's still a dickhead. I've been on the 2 week pathway. I still managed to parent DS.

I've also spent 10 weeks on furlough and struggled with my mental health as a result. We were fortunate in that MIL was living with us and helped but I actually WANTED to spend more time with DS. I've been homeschooling a reluctant 6yo. Not fun but necessary.

Marriage and parenting are supposed to be partnerships.

I would stop doing the things he thinks are important that you do, or facilitate for him, then. He's had a bad time but so have you and many others. It can't all go one way.

Could he have been wondering/worrying about symptoms before the GP appointment where he got his 2WW referral?

Men aren't immune to finding something and hoping it goes away if they can distract themselves with pointless shit, rather than doing the things they need to be doing.

Oh it’s definitely not just you dealing with this kind of situation OP! Over the last few weeks there hasn’t been a day I haven’t wanted to punch my DH at least once.. due to his apparent complete lack of ability to work out what needs done and just get on with it without needing my input about 10 times.. like yours he spends hours every day watching pointless TV and doesn’t even seem to notice when something needs attention.. or if he does only doing half a job & leaving me to clear up the mess 😡
I wish us both luck at this point! 🙈

@MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you. I'm working 4 days so not quite full time but the way things are going my work is spilling onto my days off trying to catch up. He is cooking dinner, does hoover, does the dishwasher from time to time and tidies. I've tried suggesting a schedule; he really doesn't like to be told what to do (relates back to some previous relationship issues I think).

He just isn't motivated to do school work or the other things around the house/garden that need doing. If he's responsible for our daughter it quite often involves her on the iPad and him watching shit tv (and then not noticing that she is coming to me to ask for x,y and z).

I just can't believe he decided to clean out his wardrobe on the very last day I can have some support before he goes back to work. He assumed I was working quite happily. He hadn't seen the 100's of interruptions I had. So I'm still working now. I need to get to a point today where I feel like I have at least done something.

On another note; I've been trying to get EMDR... this is my most recent experience of that warriorwoman.blog/2020/06/11/why-do-they-make-you-jump-through-hoops/

@MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you. I'm working 4 days so not quite full time but the way things are going my work is spilling onto my days off trying to catch up. He is cooking dinner, does hoover, does the dishwasher from time to time and tidies. I've tried suggesting a schedule; he really doesn't like to be told what to do (relates back to some previous relationship issues I think).

He just isn't motivated to do school work or the other things around the house/garden that need doing. If he's responsible for our daughter it quite often involves her on the iPad and him watching shit tv (and then not noticing that she is coming to me to ask for x,y and z).

I just can't believe he decided to clean out his wardrobe on the very last day I can have some support before he goes back to work. He assumed I was working quite happily. He hadn't seen the 100's of interruptions I had. So I'm still working now. I need to get to a point today where I feel like I have at least done something.

On another note; I've been trying to get EMDR... this is my most recent experience of that warriorwoman.blog/2020/06/11/why-do-they-make-you-jump-through-hoops/