To feel that confident, outgoing people get everything in life?

[RosesEverywhere]

Obviously they don't get everything, but AIBU for thinking that being confident and outgoing makes life so much easier?

Last night I was thinking back to last year at university. For one of our modules we were put into small groups and had to do a presentation for a local company. My group were quite difficult to work with - one refused to do any work until the night before the deadline and one only contributed plagiarised content which luckily I spotted and rewrote. The other two did contribute what had been delegated to them to be fair to them. However I did the bulk of the work. I was the group leader and organised all of the group meetings (some meetings I was the only one of the group to show up). The premise behind the report was my idea and all the evidence and justification of the idea was mine. I did the work that had been delegated to the one who refused to do any work and the one who plagiarised content as well as my own work. This meant I stayed up for several nights until the early hours of the morning. I then basically rewrote the entire report using the work that had been contributed by the two who did contribute but by the end of it I had basically written nearly the entire report (using my group member's research, so they did contribute that).

We presented our report to the group. We each had an equal amount of speaking in the presentation. However two group members are very confident, natural speakers and they spoke really well. I am an ok public speaker, I don't really get nervous but I am not charismatic and confident like they are.

We got our grade back and got 90% and really positive feedback. The bulk of the grade was weighted on the report. Our feedback wrote that our report was the best one they had read since they started this module paired with the local business. I was really proud and happy. However I later found out that the two 'confident' ones had been approached and offered jobs for when they graduate. I am going to be honest it stung, especially when one of those was one who had contributed maybe a handful of sentences to the final report at 3am the night before it was due. I am not bitter about it but it does sting a little. I have no ill feelings towards the two that got offered jobs as they later went on to become really good friends of mine. I just feel like I am overlooked quite a lot because I am not as confident as others.

I think the reason I am suddenly thinking of this now is I am at the beginning of my career about to start applications for a competitive career and I know this kind of thing will happen over and over again for me.

www.ted.com/talks/adam_galinsky_how_to_speak_up_for_yourself?referrer=playlist-talks_to_give_you_a_confidence

You can learn to present yourself confidently and be outgoing, if you want to reap the benefits of them. Confidence is a learned skill as much as anything else. And yes, being a good presenter is a big asset in many fields.

People get a lot of their information about you from the way you present yourself. No one has time when they first meet a person to do an exhaustive inventory of their skills and history and personality, we all have to rely heavily on what that person "tells" us about who they are. If you present yourself as confident, capable, and easy to get along with, people will accept you as such.

Confidence in presenting ideas and sharing your views is definitely a hugely helpful work skill. It is also something you can learn! It would be well worth you looking into taking a course on public speaking, you will never regret it.

It's an extrovert's world at the moment but it hasn't always been that way in every time or culture. Value who you are and try to find things in life which affirm that. The world has a mixture of personalities, there is no "right" one.

That is SO frustrating. You really deserve to work on your public speaking so that you can allow your own ideas and hard work to shine and get the credit you deserve.

Yes of course being confident and outgoing people are more likely to be hired for a job, will appear better in a presentation

This is why a lot of people try very hard to appear confident. It is a skill that can be learnt. A lot of people who appear confident arent, or didnt start out as being confident.

The person who stands out in a short term situation like a presentation wont necessarily be the person who will stand out in the long run. Being confident and outgoing will get you to stand out initially but if these people have no other qualities they wont stand out for very long

I have seen this throughout my working life. I am seen as a safe pair of hands, a steady Eddy but louder, more confident types are quite happy to take the credit. I am approaching 50 now and more willing to push myself forward. I am a crap public speaker. I get more words jumbled all the time but I write really well if I put my mind to it. Lately, social media has become far more prominent at work and written skills are more valued and so I think your skills will serve you well. Your confident friends will probably always find it easier to bag jobs but may be 'found out' later along the line.

I am a rep for the staff at work and I always say they should employ the quieter types as they are good at getting their heads down and getting on with it, which is the nature of the job.

Find a job that works for you (i.e. using your written skills, attention to detail, hard graft) and push yourself forward. Don't hide your light under a bushel. Look at this as a learning experience. Being in the spotlight is not you.

Though it hurts that they got approached and you didn't, you need to acknowledge that public speaking is an incredibly valuable skill within an organisation and they may have been approached for that skill - because companies needed people who could present and deliver ideas as much as they need people to formulate them. And it's possible that those 'confident' team members actually put the hours in at debating society or drama club or public speaking awards at school to learn that skill. I'm not devaluing or underestimating that your work played the biggest part in the success of the project but don't dismiss how well they delivered it. Acknowledge their skill. It may not be natural and effortless. It is a skill to make it appear that way.

Yes it's unfair and that's really shit of the company :( If that's how they make decisions, maybe it's not the best place too work for!

Public speaking is a skill you can learn though, and it's a valuable ability. Highly recommend the Toastmasters organisation as a way to get structured practice and feedback.

Slightly different but I had two interviews on the same day for executive assistant jobs in banking in the City. I wore the same clothes and used the same answers to the similar questions.

The feedback from one interview was that I came across as a little timid. The other interview said I was overly confident and they were looking for a team player.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you presuming that it’s easy for them to be confident and outgoing? It might be for some people but it’s not for everyone... I found it excruciating but had to learn to do it for my job, or I’d have been overlooked at every turn. It comes a little more naturally now...

Sorry about the jobs, though. I always hated group reports at uni, I’m not sure I believe there has ever been a group where people actually contributed equally and nobody feels put upon!

Shy bairns get nowt.

Yes, outgoing, confident individuals do well, particularly in big business where its all about networking and presenting and being visible. More specialist jobs will look more at ability and experience and less at personality, and certain teams that are full of quiet staff will actively avoid the loud ones, but graduate jobs are cut throat and go first to the outgoing ones.

I noticed throughout my working life that confident outgoing people often got a lot more credit for doing a lot less than the quieter types beavering away in the background.

I work with CEOs and most of them, bar some very specific exceptions, are actually introverts. They surround themselves with only a few trusted advisors, present only when they can prepare in advance for it, and often need a lot of acting training to be able to present themselves as friendly / outgoing etc.

It had nothing to do with confidence. You foolishly worked for other lazy people and didn’t even pull them up on it because you were a mug. What’s the lesson to be learned here? Either do not enter a team-work scenario in the future, or if you must do that, make sure everybody contributes the same way.

I think more confident people are less risk averse so will risk a negative outcome to gain a positive one and more often than not, socially, in the workplace and so on, it pays off.
I say this as a fairly quiet very risk averse person. I keep my environmental calm and steady but I don't have the financial and friendship rewards I could have.
I think life is balance, knowing ourselves and being comfortable with what we are but being aware that there's always room to push for better in life e.g. by challenging our mindsets.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I was worried people would think I was being bitter and jealous which I am not at all. I have worked a lot on my confidence and I have gone from someone who would get nervous answering the register in class at school (!) to someone who can give presentations without feeling nervous. I thought I had done well in the presentation but obviously I was not as confident and outgoing as I thought I had been.

My degree gave me lots of opportunity to work on my public speaking but there is still evidently a lot of progress I still need to make. I am scared as I have interviews coming up and I really struggle in interviews as my mind goes completely blank and I stumble over my words.

All my working life I saw people with minimal skill and talent for actual work move successfully up the ladder by good networking, effectively using/exploiting the abilities of others and knowing where to position themselves. It’s a skill all in itself. No point in disliking or resenting them, it’s how they are, and actually takes a lot of effort.

You could practice your boundary setting though. Make it clear to anyone not pulling their weight that you will do the work but you will be making it clear it was yours, give the leader objective feedback. Good leaders do spot these things anyway. The main thing is the work gets done and you get a reputation as a productive team player. But don’t get a reputation for being a mug, or you’ll really begrudge your career.

Find a mentor, make a plan.

I am good at faking confidence, probably because I did lots of dance and drama as a child and teenager.

I'm naturally quite quiet in social situations until I get to know everyone, but I can stand up and present because I had a lot of practice on stage from the age of 3.

@DjMomo

It had nothing to do with confidence. You foolishly worked for other lazy people and didn’t even pull them up on it because you were a mug. What’s the lesson to be learned here? Either do not enter a team-work scenario in the future, or if you must do that, make sure everybody contributes the same way.

I did pull them up on it, multiple times. I split the workload up equally, checked up on their progress weekly, organised group meetings, etc. It still doesn't stop people not contributing anything until the last minute or contributing work that is poor quality. At the end of the day, the grade we received as a group impacted me and would be on my academic transcript. In any other situation I would completely agree with you and I would not have covered for others. However, I worked too hard at university to let my final grade be pulled down by others.

OP there are lots of different skills that are valued in different places. If you’re better and reading, writing and beavering away in the background, why not recognise those strengths and go for roles that need those skills? Not every role demands good public speaking.

However; it’s always worth working on your confidence - people judge a lot on first impressions and often you only get one chance to make an impression so it’s better to come across as confident in yourself and your abilities. People who have this skill naturally are very lucky!

You'd be astonished how many apparently confident people are actually faking it, OP.

I learned some techniques to appear confident, and basically when I have to give presentations, talks or training to groups, I fake it.

I've been faking it for so long that I come across as really relaxed. I do wear a longish skirt or dress, so no-one can see my knees knocking though!

Most interviewers worth their salt will be very respectful of an interviewee with nerves. Tell them! For example - it’s great to be here, I’ve been looking forward to it but I’m quite feeling nervous.

Then if you’re mind goes blank take a sip of water and ask them to re-frame the question or come back to it. Say, gosh that’s interesting, can I think about that for a minute. Give yourself a margin. They’ll respect you for not just rushing ahead.

People think they have to be some sort of perfect candidate, it’s impossible. Do your homework on the company, think about some good examples of where you’ve solved problems, faced challenges, worked effectively in a team and you should be at least as good as most others if you got selected for interview.

Outgoing and confident people get a lot more credit even if they are mediocre.

@DjMomo is right. You really haven’t learnt what could be really important for you to understand at the start of your career! Although you value what you did, lots of employers and future colleagues won’t value it as highly as you have. What your colleagues did was get a very well produced piece of work delivered for minimal effort and presented it well. You on the other hand worked incredibly hard for the same output and didn’t present as well. I’m not saying don’t work hard but you have to work smarter if you are going for competitive roles.