Am I in the wrong to ask him not to do this?

Tink2007 · 2020-07-03T03:05:48+00:00

I’m currently pregnant with our third baby. MIL and I get on okay but it’s a very strained relationship due to her treatment of me in the past - I don’t feel I can trust her, feel she is very judgemental of me, would rather her son hadn’t met me etc - you get the gist. I’ve asked my husband not to share personal details of my midwife appointments with her - absolutely happy for him to say they went well or whatever but I don’t want them discussed in detail with her as they were in my previous pregnancies (which I didn’t like at all - once I walked into my own living room and she was sitting there reading through my notes without asking anyone). I feel my appointments and what are discussed in them are private and personal. Husband has agreed but says it has put him in a shitty position to not be able to tell her. AIBU? I can’t change the way I feel. I’m naturally a private person anyway and don’t like my personal business being aired about.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 03/07/2020 04:12

Is there anything in particular you don't want her to know? As I really can't imagine there's much to tell about midwife appointments except "for blood pressure taken, got a leaflet, went home" - unless you're high risk?

Original poster

Tink2007 · 03/07/2020 04:14

This pregnancy is borderline higher risk so is a bit more detailed than previous pregnancies.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 03/07/2020 04:16

Your medical details are very personal and you are right to keep them to yourself.

Your partner needs to understand that if he cannot be trusted to respect your privacy, then you won’t share the details with him either.

Nellydean21 · 03/07/2020 04:23

Your pregnancy dies nit need to be shared by anyone. Insist on it. Confidently medical details.

gamerchick · 03/07/2020 04:26

Your partner needs to understand that if he cannot be trusted to respect your privacy, then you won’t share the details with him either

It's this simple tbh. He either behaves or he'll be excluded from the back end.

jessstan2 · 03/07/2020 04:30

You're not unreasonable to want privacy about any issue. Husbband must learn how to field questions and just be vague about things - I managed to do that but it takes a bit of practice.

I would be so incensed at him giving away my personal details I'd end up being extremely angry and resentful and generally am quite easy going. Iit needs to be brought home to him forcefully how important it is to you not to be exposed, he probably doesn't understand but I daresay he wants to protect you so this is one way he can.

Good luck, I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

Original poster

Tink2007 · 03/07/2020 04:33

@jessstan2

You're not unreasonable to want privacy about any issue. Husbband must learn how to field questions and just be vague about things - I managed to do that but it takes a bit of practice.

I would be so incensed at him giving away my personal details I'd end up being extremely angry and resentful and generally am quite easy going. Iit needs to be brought home to him forcefully how important it is to you not to be exposed, he probably doesn't understand but I daresay he wants to protect you so this is one way he can.

Good luck, I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

Thank you.

I think he does understand the importance because he has accepted my wishes however he feels it has put him in an unfair position that he can’t share with his mum. My point with him is I don’t understand why the personal details of my midwife or consultant appointments need to be discussed with her. There is no need from my point of view. And the fact that I view the details of the appointments as very private and personal trumps his need to “just want to talk about it with her”.

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 03/07/2020 04:58

Tell him if he tells his mother things you’d prefer him not to you’ll stop telling him how things are progressing.

chancechancechance · 03/07/2020 05:03

@gamerchick

Your partner needs to understand that if he cannot be trusted to respect your privacy, then you won’t share the details with him either

It's this simple tbh. He either behaves or he'll be excluded from the back end.

What they said

Monty27 · 03/07/2020 05:15

I wouldn't give one iota about why you want personal details kept from your mil.
It's your right to privacy and for her to know everything is going well should be enough.
How dare she look through your private medical notes. Keep them well away and her interference.
Of course she's got interests as it's an expectant grandchild. I can understand that. It's a need to know basis and your DH needs to respect your privacy too OP.
Blimey I couldn't bare that. She's out of order.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2020 05:25

I think he does understand the importance because he has accepted my wishes however he feels it has put him in an unfair position that he can’t share with his mum.

I would state to him very clearly that your private medical history is not something he is privileged to share with anyone. If he can't manage that, I wouldn't tell him anything, either. I would be incensed if my husband discussed my private business with his mother.

Puckishly · 03/07/2020 06:04

Ask him if he’d like you discussing the details of his prostate treatment with your mum, and saying it puts you in an awkward position if he objects.

jessstan2 · 03/07/2020 06:11

Encourage your husband to find other subjects he can discuss with his mum which don't bother you. There must be some.

CazzaCat · 03/07/2020 06:38

He’s not in an awkward position. It should be enough to say it went well or whatever. She doesn’t need to know every detail, it’s not her pregnancy!!

As for reading your notes how rude! There could be notes about your history that are none of her business!!

Jokie · 03/07/2020 06:45

My MIL was similar so my DH kept everything very generic and bland. If your DH is worried, why not just keep it generic?

I completely agree that your medical appointments are private and your own business

Tinamou · 03/07/2020 06:46

YANBU and your husband needs to realise that it is MIL, not you, who is putting him in a difficult position by expecting him to share your personal medical details.

islandislandisland · 03/07/2020 06:57

YANBU. My partner was telling MIL details of my (high risk) pregnancy when it was touch and go and she told his brother and SIL without checking with us, I only knew because they started texting us saying how sorry they were etc. It turned out MIL had given them false info anyway so we then had to correct them, I felt like a goldfish in a bowl and really kind of violated. DP is now under strict instructions to smile and tell her it's all fine. The pressure to 'let us know how you get on' after every of my many scans and appointments was too much as well, I just wanted to be left alone to deal with it with DP. He should respect your wishes on this, like PP says, just keep it bland, it's your body and your personal medical info.

Original poster

Tink2007 · 03/07/2020 07:38

@islandislandisland

YANBU. My partner was telling MIL details of my (high risk) pregnancy when it was touch and go and she told his brother and SIL without checking with us, I only knew because they started texting us saying how sorry they were etc. It turned out MIL had given them false info anyway so we then had to correct them, I felt like a goldfish in a bowl and really kind of violated. DP is now under strict instructions to smile and tell her it's all fine. The pressure to 'let us know how you get on' after every of my many scans and appointments was too much as well, I just wanted to be left alone to deal with it with DP. He should respect your wishes on this, like PP says, just keep it bland, it's your body and your personal medical info.

This is so similar - she tells EVERYONE EVERYTHING. Although the risk element comes from me this pregnancy rather than the baby, she wants to know when my appointments are, how often, when scans are etc.

I asked my husband not to tell her when my scans were after the 20 week one when she was constantly messaging saying “Hope all is well, what time is the scan, text me when you’re out to tell me all.” - my own mum didn’t even do that.

It felt like I was under so much pressure when I already get anxious enough about scans etc.

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 03/07/2020 07:41

Does she do it to get attention from others? "Oh I'm so stressed/upset about Tink and the baby"?

Original poster

Tink2007 · 03/07/2020 07:47

@TitianaTitsling

Does she do it to get attention from others? "Oh I'm so stressed/upset about Tink and the baby"?

Possibly. She likes drama and always has done. Hence why my SIL went NC with her.

Though she would never worry about me 🤣 I could get knocked down by a bus and she would celebrate 🤣🤣

OP posts:

MyOwnSummer · 03/07/2020 07:54

The problem here seems to be that your OH wants to keep both of you happy, and that's not possible- your privacy is incompatible with her wish to stick her nose in all the time. He needs to accept that sometimes in life you have to draw a line.

islandislandisland · 03/07/2020 08:21

@tink2007 argh thats so familiar! Thing is I know she's just being worried but it's quite apparent the worry is for the baby ie, I could go through any trauma and she wouldn't be too fussed as long as she got a live grandchild out of it. Also have a suspicion she probably tells all her mates just for something to talk about, based on the sorts of things she tells us about friends children who we don't even know! Like you I'm very private and I hadn't realised quite how under the microscope pregnancy can make you feel, a lot of people are really invested in something that's happening in your body. Hope all goes well for you.

WineAndHobnobs · 03/07/2020 08:25

I walked into my own living room and she was sitting there reading through my notes.

That is such an invasion of privacy! I am not a particularly private person, but I would feel violated by that.

Tell your DH that he either respects your privacy, or he doesn't get to accompany you to appointments anymore.

CluelessBaker · 03/07/2020 08:27

YANBU. Your pregnancy information is private to you. He doesn’t get to decide who to share it with.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/07/2020 08:32

MIL is very similar and whilst it's not from a place of malice, it is from a place of manipulation - she will guilt DH into telling her details of things so he's had to learn to instal very firm boundaries and even now 14 years later she'll push and ask for information which she doesn't need. It irks her that I won't talk about the DC's personal information now - our 14 year old has clearly hit puberty (he's 6'3") and she asks questions about his experience with puberty as though it's normal to know information about children's lives to that degree.

She'll read diaries and calendars if she can, and cries if challenged. She picks up post and reads through it if it's left anywhere - again the tears come if I tell her she's being inappropriate. DH essentially had to choose where his boundaries were - with me or with her. Obviously it's not easy and I don't think I ever had to issue ultimatums, but he worked out quite quickly that when I went VLC with her that he either respected my boundaries or it would pull us apart.

My Ex MIL is nothing like this and we still get on and spend time together. I'm sure that sticks in MIL's craw a little, but someone who announces private information at her choir/church/WI groups/family get togethers is not someone I want to share with. When I went into labour with DS2 we didn't tell anyone but my best friend who babysat DS1. We phoned both Mothers at the exact same time to tell them he'd arrived safely and her first words to DH were "Do I know before Brownie's Mum?" It's hard to warm to that kind of oddness and hard to allow that kind of person into your life.