Am I in the wrong to ask him not to do this?

[Tink2007]

I’m currently pregnant with our third baby.

MIL and I get on okay but it’s a very strained relationship due to her treatment of me in the past - I don’t feel I can trust her, feel she is very judgemental of me, would rather her son hadn’t met me etc - you get the gist.

I’ve asked my husband not to share personal details of my midwife appointments with her - absolutely happy for him to say they went well or whatever but I don’t want them discussed in detail with her as they were in my previous pregnancies (which I didn’t like at all - once I walked into my own living room and she was sitting there reading through my notes without asking anyone).

I feel my appointments and what are discussed in them are private and personal.

Husband has agreed but says it has put him in a shitty position to not be able to tell her. AIBU? I can’t change the way I feel. I’m naturally a private person anyway and don’t like my personal business being aired about.

I feel for you, OP. I would want my personal stuff to be kept private too.

I used to hate it when my late DM would pick up and read all my birthday cards that were standing on the sideboard. She didn't ask. The messages in them were personal and private.

I wouldn't tell him anything that you don't want him to share!

I'd stop going with DH to the appointments. In my last pregnancy, I went to most on my own.

Stop bringing him with you if he can't prioritise your privacy over her manipulation

Due to COVID and the trust I’m with he cannot come to any appointments anyway. He is respecting my wishes but at the same time saying it puts him in an awkward position as I didn’t do this with previous pregnancies (because I didn’t get no choice, didn’t mean I liked it) as she will ask or he will want to mention stuff and he can’t.

I agree with PPs, especially @Mintjulia and @CazzaCat .

You shouldn’t even have to ask him not to share such information, it’s the normal & appropriate thing NOT to automatically share these details. Asking him not to share hasn’t put him in an unfair or awkward position, because you’re not asking him to do anything unusual. In actual fact, it’s his mum putting him in this position by expecting to be told information over & above “the appointment went well” - and she’s being bloody rude! The audacity of reading ANYTHING in your home without permission - let alone private medical notes - is outrageous!

I would point out to your DH that it's far more upsetting for you having your personal info shared against your wishes than it is 'awkward' for him not to share it. Sorry OP but I'd be fucking raging with my DH if he tried to tell me his feeling awkward trumped my right to medical privacy.

I understand him wanting to share some information about the baby with his family, because you're both parents to the baby. However, that doesn't mean he gets to share your medical information with his family to satisfy his mother's curiosity.

For me it would be reasonable to say baby is growing well, measuring big/small but totally unreasonable to say DW has got to go for additional checks, they want to test for X, Y, Z, she's got to have these medications/procedures done.

God I hate when people think it's your problem for finally staying your boundaries. "You've never had a problem before" yeah I did you just steamrollered me.

It's your private medical information, no one is entitled to that, not even your husband.

I've mastered the super confused innocent look with "why would I tell you that".

he feels it has put him in an unfair position that he can’t share with his mum

That's not respecting your wishes, because he's still criticising and undermining them.

He's grudgingly going along with them but he is not showing any respect for you, your wishes, or your privacy.

What's unfair is that he ever put you in this position in the first place. He should have been in your corner, not giving your confidential medical info away.

This would really piss me off, I think you need to say something like:
"STOP saying I am putting you in an awkward position like you are doing me some favour or something. This is my private medical information. If you go to the gp/hospital I don't discuss your appointment with anyone, just because there is a baby involved doesn't mean this is a free for all, this is my appointment, my body, my privacy. So actually it is your mother putting you in an awkward position by asking and you putting me in an awkward position because I am now wondering if I should share the information with you since you seem to favour your comfort and your mother over my privacy. But stop asking like you are doing me a fucking favour by keeping your trap shut about my private business"

he feels it has put him in an unfair position that he can’t share with his mum
Really?!! He thinks it's unfair that she isn't allowed to know the inside workings of YOUR body????

Ask him - why does he think she has a right to know THAT level of detail?
Would he like it if you told everyone about his dick issues (if he has/has any)?
I bet if it was him he wouldn't want everyone knowing his private medical details.

I find it a bit weird he wants his mum to know every minute detail when legally even he doesn't have a 'right' to that information without your consent!!!
It's like there's a 3rd partner in your marriage/relationship.....

His priority should be you and your baby, and keeping you relaxed and well. His mother has no right to any level of detail about your personal medical information. His primary relationship should be with you, not his mother. Look after yourself, and be firm. He & she are being very unreasonable.

@monkeymonkey2010

he feels it has put him in an unfair position that he can’t share with his mum Really?!! He thinks it's unfair that she isn't allowed to know the inside workings of YOUR body????

Ask him - why does he think she has a right to know THAT level of detail?
Would he like it if you told everyone about his dick issues (if he has/has any)?
I bet if it was him he wouldn't want everyone knowing his private medical details.

I find it a bit weird he wants his mum to know every minute detail when legally even he doesn't have a 'right' to that information without your consent!!!
It's like there's a 3rd partner in your marriage/relationship.....

That’s how she is. She wants to know everything that’s going on. If she doesn’t know then she plays the victim card and woe is me. Tells everyone how left out she is or puts multiple veiled digs and quotes on facebook.

Your partner needs to understand that if he cannot be trusted to respect your privacy, then you won’t share the details with him either.

This.

This pregnancy is happening to your body. Only you get to choose who knows what details. DH is the babies father, but baby is part of your body before it's born and you're as entitled to medical privacy in pregnancy as you are when not pregnant.

When my SIL was pregnant she told us after the scans that she'd had a scan and she and baby were doing well, and we'd say thanks for telling us, hope you're not feeling too tired etc. I certainly didn't feel entitled to more info than SIL chose to share with us!

It's your nosy MIL who is putting your husband in an awkward position, not you. She read your medical notes for fucks sake, that's not normal!

She read my medical notes during my first pregnancy (I was quite young, but naive and not wanting to rock the boat at the time) so a while ago now but it’s always bothered me that DH was in the room and felt it was okay for her to do that. I had been in the bathroom and my notes were on the little side table where we kept letters etc that were needed. He has always said I was it was nothing to be annoyed about it but I know for a fact I was right to be annoyed by it.

Even in this pregnancy he was going to take a photo of my 12 week scan report and send it over to her before I really had to have a go and say no.

@Puckishly

Ask him if he’d like you discussing the details of his prostate treatment with your mum, and saying it puts you in an awkward position if he objects.

I echo this. Your need to keep your personal details, particularly medical information, is paramount here and he needs to be mature enough to understand this otherwise where is the trust in your relationship as husband and wife?

@CalmdownJanet

This would really piss me off, I think you need to say something like: "STOP saying I am putting you in an awkward position like you are doing me some favour or something. This is my private medical information. If you go to the gp/hospital I don't discuss your appointment with anyone, just because there is a baby involved doesn't mean this is a free for all, this is my appointment, my body, my privacy. So actually it is your mother putting you in an awkward position by asking and you putting me in an awkward position because I am now wondering if I should share the information with you since you seem to favour your comfort and your mother over my privacy. But stop asking like you are doing me a fucking favour by keeping your trap shut about my private business"

Yep to all of this!

He sounds like an absolute fucking drip that can't stand up to his mum, so you need to be just as forceful as she is and lay it on the line.

If he mentions it ever again tell him straight...

"DH, in my previous pregnancy/pregnancies I felt steamrollered by you, you broke my confidence in allowing your mum to read my medical notes and discussing my personal medical information with her without asking or considering whether I was ok with that. You were out of order, and it won't be happening this time, I won't just keep quiet and accept it this time, are you clear on that? Now don't ever fucking mention it again, I'm sick of hearing how not discussing my personal information with your mum has put you in a shitty position so shut the fuck up about it".

@Tink2007
I don't really understand your outrage.
The pregnancy is borderline high risk. So he wants to discuss this with his support, his mum. So what?

She's had a child so is fully versed in the what ifs and maybes.

With regards the health of his baby he's fully able to discuss their health and development.

If you want to really divide the line, it would imo only be right to refuse that he doesn't share medical information that pertains solely to you not linked to your health. For example, if the appointment was to dicuss a hysterectomy you'll have following the birth.

I think that you're trying to fight the "wrong" battle here and putting your husband in a position where you want him to purposely either rkie or refuse to answer what most would deem normal questions about the pregnancy and their dil.

It's totally not a 3rd person in your marriage!

[quote SoloMummy]@Tink2007
I don't really understand your outrage.
The pregnancy is borderline high risk. So he wants to discuss this with his support, his mum. So what?

She's had a child so is fully versed in the what ifs and maybes.

With regards the health of his baby he's fully able to discuss their health and development.

If you want to really divide the line, it would imo only be right to refuse that he doesn't share medical information that pertains solely to you not linked to your health. For example, if the appointment was to dicuss a hysterectomy you'll have following the birth.

I think that you're trying to fight the "wrong" battle here and putting your husband in a position where you want him to purposely either rkie or refuse to answer what most would deem normal questions about the pregnancy and their dil.

It's totally not a 3rd person in your marriage![/quote]
You clearly do not know my MIL.

You’re fine to disagree. I have also had two previous pregnancies to this one some am well versed in pregnancy myself.

Our unborn child is not the reason for the borderline high risk, that is myself. There is nothing to discuss in regards to the health of our baby. This issue also came up with my previous two pregnancies which were not classed as higher risk.

My MIL is very judgemental and critical woman who has spent many years picking fault in me, bitching about me and generally being quite nasty. But aside from that, it is my choice as to whom my private and confidential matters are discussed with.

Awkward position my bum. All he has to say is 'that's not my information to share'.

My bf told his mum about a gynae op I had. Everyone now knows about it. He's now given as little info as possible while his mother is still breathing. My bf is Aspergers, can't lie to save his life. That awful woman manipulates & pressures him for info until he panics & slips up. I'm nc with her & bf is getting close to going that way.

I get why she might be worried about her grandchild. The only update she needs is 'the baby is fine'. Your husband is feeling in the middle because for some bizarre reason he feels like your wish for privacy and respect is somehow equal to his mothers need to have a nose into your private medical details. Which is clearly barmy. She does not need to know, it doesn't affect her, she is just purely being nosey and gossipy. Tell him if he genuinely can't understand this, you will make it easy for him by not telling him the details either other than confirming the baby is fine. Then he won't be so 'conflicted'.

And I can't believe he was ok with her reading your medical notes! If she was in any sort of medical related job and was caught doing this, she would be sacked because its private and confidential and she deliberately breached your right to privacy.

This would really piss me off, I think you need to say something like:
"STOP saying I am putting you in an awkward position like you are doing me some favour or something. This is my private medical information. If you go to the gp/hospital I don't discuss your appointment with anyone, just because there is a baby involved doesn't mean this is a free for all, this is my appointment, my body, my privacy. So actually it is your mother putting you in an awkward position by asking and you putting me in an awkward position because I am now wondering if I should share the information with you since you seem to favour your comfort and your mother over my privacy. But stop asking like you are doing me a fucking favour by keeping your trap shut about my private business"

This with bells on. Say exactly this!

I think you are entitled to privacy. I would have gone mental if my MIL or anyone else had read my maternity notes.
At least she is interested though. My pregnancy was fairly high risk, birth was traumatic and our baby had a few problems after he was born but MIL didn't care. My husband was always ringing her but I don't know why.
All she cared about was that she couldn't be at the birth (didn't want her there anyway) and seeing the baby first.
I don't really speak to her anymore, can you distance yourself? I would make it clear to your husband that at the moment your wishes come first and hide your maternity notes