Am I being controlling?

[HillyBilly1001]

DH and I have received a large amount of money as a gift from my parents. DH to use some of it to buy bits for his football team. I want to put it all into the mortgage.

For a bit of history, we have paid thousands off his debt over the last 10 years, most of which he has paid back to our savings but £2000 he hasn't (to give him a fresh start). 4 years later however, he is now currently paying back £3500 to our savings which we used to pay off his debt.

I hate that he wants to use the money we've been gifted on something personal rather than for the family. Big row has happened this evening as I said he was being selfish.

I don't want to be controlling but his money affects me as we have kids, mortgage etc.

Is the gift to both of you or just you OP?

Absolutely not. It's your money. Pay the mortgage and save a little back for a treat for you. I don't think people who run up debts continuously should be bailed out with anyone's money.

Why were you given the money? What did your parents say it was for? I don't really understand what you've said about savings/debt - it's not very clear.

It was gifted to both of us

What was / is his debt?

Tell him to do a fund raiser for his football thingy. He shouldn't be dipping into family money for his own hobby (I assume its a hobby anyway and I also assume its a chunk of money?) Your idea sounds sensible to me.

How much are the bits going to cost?

Why does he have so much debt?

OP using it for the family or mortgage roof over head is the opposite of selfish, everybody benefits. Trying to invest in Himself is selfish - put a dictionary at his place setting for breakfast with a post it note under the definition. You have bigger problems - can you give it back to your parents & her them to either keep or put on trust for DCs? Do they know his debt history?

We're basically in (and have always been in) a cycle of

1. He overspends and increases his overdraft every month
2. We pay off his overdraft with our savings
3. He pays back into savings (apart from once when we used 2k of our savings to give him a fresh start)
4. He increases his overdraft etc etc

I feel like he is so used to being bailed out of any money situation but he thinks I'm controlling

Nope. It's from your parents, you do what you want to with it. But personally, savings and mortgage sound a much better idea than frittering it away. Especially with the world the way it is right now.

I don't think people who run up debts continuously should be bailed out with anyone's money.
Hear, hear!

Show him how much you'd save in interest by paying it into your mortgage.

I don't think you're being controlling, you're being sensible. Maybe keep £500 back for a treat if he's being that stroppy.

I would tell him to fuck off with his football team. Is he having a laugh? Don't back down from this. Your parents gave you this money. His parents can give him money for his stupid team.

If its from your parents - surely its there to benefit you?
Mortgage, treat you'll enjoy, something for the kids, holiday etc

Not - something only the person not technically related to them wants.

To add, I can't understand how you can be married to someone so financially irresponsible. He's a man child.

He shouldn't spend on his team - they either need to fundraise or chip in together.

Sensible thing to do is pay off mortgage and your monthly outgoing will be less. Then attempt to save say £200 per month. He will actually be better off.

I can't see the point in paying off his OD - I used to help DH but then he'd overspend again. Waste of time.

I would actually save some in your own name so he can't get his hands on it.

I'd be inclined to agree that it's from your parents and should be put towards whatever you decide.....

However I don't know the legality of this. You say it was a gift to both of you. I would assume that means a 50/50 split? And I'm not whether you being married puts weight behind that. Morally I'd say it's yours. Legally, I think I someone who has a legal understanding would be better to advise.

Wrt do I think you're controlling? Hell no, you're being sensible and if you put it towards your mortgage you will all reap the benefits in time.

How would your parents feel if some of it was given to the football team? If they'd say no, there's the simple answer.

There's a bigger underlying problem here though. Why the F can't he spend within his means? Why can't he get on top of it? And why would he prefer money from your parents to go to his stupid football team instead of on mortgage or things for all the family or just the children?

Am I right thinking he's only overspending on crap? Once he's got his spending managed and the savings paid back he can gift the football club money out of his money can't he.

Where does the OP state that the money is from her (?) parents? The money was gifted to OP and partner

I agree with PP though - why are you constantly bailing out your OH? Has he always been shit with money?

Poopeypants- says it in the OP.

I think because his own parents are bad with money I feel I should help him out. But you're right, enough's enough. Thanks for all your comments, will (attempt) to speak about it in the morning

"DH and I have received a large amount of money as a gift from my parents"

DH and I have received. It was a joint gift. From your parents, fine.

But it's for both of you. Giving some to his football team or his debt will not benefit you both.

Stop letting his debt be sexually transmitted to you.

Who pays into the savings? You both Or it’s actually just you? So they are actually your savings.
His gets eaten up in overdraft fees every single month.
He needs to live within his means and stop increasing his bloody over draft (and not use it at all) way before he gets anything for his football team.

If you even think there's a chance you'll split get them to hold on to it for now.
Sounds really draining being w someone so irresponsible with money.