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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being controlling?

56 replies

HillyBilly1001 · 02/07/2020 23:45

DH and I have received a large amount of money as a gift from my parents. DH to use some of it to buy bits for his football team. I want to put it all into the mortgage.

For a bit of history, we have paid thousands off his debt over the last 10 years, most of which he has paid back to our savings but £2000 he hasn't (to give him a fresh start). 4 years later however, he is now currently paying back £3500 to our savings which we used to pay off his debt.

I hate that he wants to use the money we've been gifted on something personal rather than for the family. Big row has happened this evening as I said he was being selfish.

I don't want to be controlling but his money affects me as we have kids, mortgage etc.

OP posts:
Disquieted1 · 03/07/2020 02:37

Whooooaahhhh! Hold on.

He's paying into your savings every month then needs to use this to pay off " his" debts? Is this correct? Maybe I've misunderstood.

If this is correct, then it sounds like you are controlling. What he pays in is joint (and clearly more than he can afford) but the debts that ensue are solely his.

I'd love to hear his side of this arrangement.

Quartz2208 · 03/07/2020 08:08

What on Earth is his overspending on every month

I think you need a good long chat about finances and money because this cannot go on

Nogoodusername · 03/07/2020 08:10

Absolutely no way - I think it’s cheeky of him to even have suggested that it’s spent on HIS football team rather than joint needs, especially when it’s from your parents!

lunar1 · 03/07/2020 08:11

Does he ever think of the rest of you?

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/07/2020 08:20

Why do you keep paying off his overdraft

Surely if he is crap with money then keeping the o/d will stop him overspending and it might just dawn on him to start to live within his means.

Paying it off then him paying extra into the savings account is just a recipe for another overdraft that needs paying off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2020 08:28

But you have helped him loads? This isn’t the time to be doing it again!

Why would he possibly think your parents would give you money to spend on his football team? You need an answer to that. It only benefits him. He’s not the only member of your family. So very selfish. And his crap parents aren’t your problem.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 03/07/2020 08:29

He sounds like a selfish arse.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/07/2020 08:30

The way I look at his kind of debt is that he doesn't actually have money to spend. He has minus money. So whenever actual real money (not overdraft etc) comes in, it goes on getting back into the black. In this case, as it's a gift to you both, then the mortgage seems like a very fair way to use it so that at least it's going on something that helps both of you. But beyond that he needs to grow up and not think in terms of his spending money for treats and you being mean. His football team can fund things the usual way. He is in no position to play Lord Bountiful!

Original poster
HillyBilly1001 · 03/07/2020 08:32

The 'savings' is not really savings, it's money for holidays, Christmas and work on the house which we recently moved into. Should have made that clear.

I think I'mgoing to stop all help and see if he sorts it out himself.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 03/07/2020 08:33

You need to look at why he keeps getting into debt. Is it a lack of money or more likely, he's just a spender with insufficient means for his considerable wants?

Who is the main earner in the family and how are family expenses split? Unless you earn more than him, but are expecting him to pay half of joint expenses you are probably not being unreasonable or controlling. How much is the money and how much of it does he want to spend on his team?

It's not unreasonable for him to want some of the money for his own interest, but I'm sure your parents weren't intending for all or even most of it to go that way, so the most sensible thing to do would be to put most or all of it on the mortgage, maybe use some of it for a family treat like a holiday and then a small proportion for you and DH for a personal treat each, in his case the thing for his team.

Eg if the money was £20k, put £15k on the mortgage, spend £4k on a family holiday and have £500 each for you and DH to buy yourselves something.

Do you both get personal spending money? That's what he should be using to buy bits for his football team. And the personal spending money should be what's left after all joint and DC costs and savings for annual and irregular expenses have been accounted for, split 50/50 between you and him.

He accuses you of being selfish because you don't want him to spend the money on himself. Surely he can see that he's the selfish one.

On the overdraft front, sounds like he needs to be limited to a card with no overdraft facility - overdrafts are now the most expensive way of borrowing money (except payday loans and products aimed at the subprime market) so are literally throwing money down the drain if used regularly.

user1493413286 · 03/07/2020 08:37

I think as it was gifted to both of you it would be fair for you to both have a certain amount to spend as you wish with the majority going into your mortgage.
In terms of his money issues my DH is also bad with money and has run up debts in the past; I used to help him but then it just continued so I said enough is enough and if you do it again you sort it out yourself and it doesn’t come out of our rainy day savings.

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2020 08:40

It seems like he's not very good at managing his money. I don't think you're controlling but you could compromise, is it enough money that you can do both, pay off the mortgage and let him spend some then you can have some to spend on yourself too.

Pomegranateseeds · 03/07/2020 08:41

Is it possible that the amount he puts into savings each month is too much? Who decided how much you put aside? If you weren’t putting money aside, would he still get into difficulty?

RedskyAtnight · 03/07/2020 08:44

Why does he have debt? As in, what does he spend the money on? There's a difference between being in debt because he's fittering it away on hobbies and non-essentials, and he's in debt because he can't afford his share of the bills.

LouiseTrees · 03/07/2020 08:45

Maybe you could tell him your parents have specified it goes on debt repayment apart from token amount ( say 50 or 100 quid) as that’s really why they’ve given you the gift, that they are concerned about your management of money. Then go into that conversation instead. Tell him he can have the token amount for the football team.

sakura06 · 03/07/2020 08:52

I wouldn't say you're being controlling. I wouldn't be thrilled if my DH asked to spend money on a sports team. What can they need that's that expensive? (I used to play football myself and it'd be pitch hire, kit, balls, bibs, cones, match fees.) The whole team needs to chip in for team expenses. You should spend the money on your family.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/07/2020 08:55

Is it possible that the amount he puts into savings each month is too much? Who decided how much you put aside

If he's a spender, it's likely that he'd think that any money 'put aside' is too much as he will have an almost pathological urge to spend it now.

But seeing as they have a mortgage and the OP describes their savings as 'money for holidays, Christmas and work on the house which they recently moved into' it doesn't really sound like they're saving too much, as a lot of that isn't really savings, more money that has a purpose but just hasn't been spent yet.

It will never build up into real spare money because they will need to spend it on Christmas, whatever work needs doing on the house and a family holiday, should one of those become a realistic option anytime soon.

Russiandolleyes · 03/07/2020 09:03

Money from your parents to both of you should be used to benefit both of you - with you probably taking the lead in discussions about what to spend it on.

It really annoys me when people get called controlling having been pushed into a situation where they need to be! If your DH is terrible with money to the detriment of the family finances, you probably feel like you need to take control of it in some way.

It's like being called a nag when you've asked somebody politely not to leave their dirty boxers on the toilet seat 400 times, and they still leave them there! Grin

Nottherealslimshady · 03/07/2020 09:09

Well since he's been spending your family money on him self for so long he doesn't get a say in any of this. How dare he take so much money out of the family pot on a regular basis then when you're gifted money from your parents he wants that for himself too. Selfish.
You decide what you spend it on, it's your turn.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 03/07/2020 09:12

His debt is dragging you both down.. He needs to manage his money and stop managing yours...

FinallyHere · 03/07/2020 09:24

I feel like he is so used to being bailed out of any money situation

This is the issue, he doesn't experience any consequences to running up debt. As so often when people accuse each other of things, they are projecting. What could be more controlling than him effectively spending family savings by running up debt?

Sensible thing to do is pay off mortgage and your monthly outgoing will be less.

I encourage anyone thinking of paying of their mortgage is keep the monthly payment so that the mortgage is paid off early. If you calculate even roughly how much interest you save by reducing the term of the mortgage rather than the monthly payment, you will see immediately why mortgage companies seriously steer you towards reducing the monthly payments: in the long term, they get much more interest if you reduce the monthly payment than if you keep the monthly payments and reduce the term.

monkeymonkey2010 · 03/07/2020 09:48

He overspends and increases his overdraft every month...We pay off his overdraft with our savings
Only your 'savings' are actually what you put aside for fun money.

He's going to carry on spending like he is because he knows you will keep sacrificing to bail him out - he's betting on 'sunken fallacy' that you will keep doing this.
He's selfish and a leech.

Of course he doesn't want it going on the mortgage - that doesn't benefit him directly in the here and now.......he knows YOU will sort that mess out when it happens....
He knows he will get money out of the house no matter what so he doesn't want his own money going into it.
He doesn't even care that YOU don't get to have fun with the fun money YOU have saved.....he's been brought up with a sense of entitlement and knows how to wheedle his way into getting something for nothing.

With regards legalities - as long as the money goes into your own separate named account and not the joint one, and as long as you don't spend it on joint marital stuff like mortgage/refurb, it remains 'yours' and not a 'marital asset'.
Get legal advice on it though.

How long have you been married?

monkeymonkey2010 · 03/07/2020 09:53

i don't think paying off the mortgage right now is good for OP.
It sounds like he doesn't really contribute his share to the mortgage anyway cos he has a 'clever' system of always 'borrowing' against it.

So essentially it's OP paying his share with her 'fun money/savings'.

If they split up tomorrow, he could be raking in thousands incl equity without really having even paid his share towards accruing it.
He's learnt the tricks of his 'trade' from his parents.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/07/2020 09:54

I don't think you're being controlling. If anything its the other way around. His failure to properly manage his money amounts to financial abuse possibly accidental whereby your financial security is being diminished regularly by his overspending and the need to pour your savings in to bail him out.
That money has been given to you as a family by your parents. Not on for it to be frittered away on stuff which only benefits him.

octobersky19 · 03/07/2020 09:55

YANBU he should put it off the mortgage, a football team is irrelevant

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