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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this weird?

82 replies

PumpkinP · 02/07/2020 10:43

I needed someone to do some gardening work for me and I don’t really know anyone who has a gardener to get recommendations so I decided to look on Facebook, Clearly a mistake! Anyway I had a few messages from gardeners and there was a lot of time wasters or people charging ridiculous amounts, so I found a man who was reasonable and we arranged over messages for him to do my garden, all seemed normal until I gave him my address, then I thought he seemed a little odd as he would sent loads of messages for example we agreed on the date and time then he sent a message saying ok coming tomorrow. Then a few hours later he sent ok see you tomorrow at 1.30. Also sending pictures of his leaflets etc if I didn’t respond straight away he would send another asking me to respond ASAP Not too odd so I thought ok whatever. Anyway he came yesterday did the garden and after he left he kept sending my text messages, again nothing sinister just asking if it was ok, saying he could come back to do something else, asking if he could use my pictures of the garden, he sent me 3 texts after leaving and about the same amount on Facebook. I responded politely but he messaged again asking if I want him to do anymore work, I read it and didn’t respond (busy and I had previously told him I could manage the rest myself) I thought that was that but this morning I woke up to a text message from him saying sorry and asking if he upset me! Aibu for finding this weird? My mum said to block him but I’m thinking he may show up, I also thought it was weird that he said he lived in an area almost 10 miles away from me, and came by public transport. Seemed a long way to travel for a small job, he has sent me another message on Facebook but I haven’t read it.

OP posts:
TheWickerWoman · 02/07/2020 19:54

I think when you next hear from him you need to respond firmly saying something like “I have told you on numerous occasions that I will contact you if I need anymore work doing, can you please stop asking”

Then if it carries on you’ll have to block/report him.

Ilovechinese · 02/07/2020 19:55

What a weirdo! He cant just turn up and start working. If you do ever return home to find him "working" tell him to fuck off as he is trespassing and you clearly told him you do not want any more work doing and have proof to show to the police!
I'm not sure if he is a drug addict, how much would train fare be for him and another adult to travel an hour and back? Surely he wouldn't really be making much profit?

Tatty101 · 02/07/2020 19:56

You really need to tell him no otherwise he's going to keep at it by the sounds of things - the chances are you're never going to see him again, I'd recommend being as firm as possible

Warpdrive · 02/07/2020 20:03

OP you need to grow a pair and tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't want any more work doing in the garden. If you think a bloke will be more effective, then get one to call him & give him the same message.

No more being polite, no more wanting to leave it on good terms. Just tell him a) you don't want him to do any more work for you, b) you don't want him to contact you again, c) if he does contact you again you will treat it like harassment and inform the telephone company and the police and d) you are going to block his number.

I was once stalked over a period of 2 and a half years by phone. It sounds ridiculous but the guy got my number and didn't have my address and he was relentless. It was in the 90s before the law was strict on things like this but once he knew the police had the line monitored funnily enough he stopped!

BooseysMom · 02/07/2020 20:06

I was hounded with messages after I admired someone's new garden patio on Fb and mentioned we were interested in getting something done. So glad i ignored them now!

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2020 20:28

Send him a final message saying ‘ I do not want you coming back. I will not be paying you any more money’ then block him. He’s way too insistent.

bestbrowsintown · 02/07/2020 20:35

He's ridiculous. I'd be worried he'll turn up, do the extra bits then hound you for the money

SillyCow6 · 02/07/2020 20:41

Have you said an outright no? Dont say its not necessary or anything like that as he'll make out he's doing a kindness for you.
I hate being blunt as much as you but Id really worry about safety now at this point as he either doesnt pick up on social cues or completely ignores them according to what he wants.

Throckmorton · 02/07/2020 20:42

This really is a classic example of how women are socialised to accept men pushing their boundaries, and even feel bad about upsetting such men. PumpkinP - this man has no respect for you and frankly sounds dodgy. You need to ditch the socialised niceness and tell him you do not want him to contact you again. Don't sugar coat it with promises to be in touch if you want more work doing - that plays right into his manipulative hands.

Notimeforaname · 02/07/2020 20:45

I too find it odd he brought a friend that distance for a small job.
OP, if you have plans to go out this weekend, think about cancelling and stay home. Just in case.

properjambon · 02/07/2020 20:53

I would literally just send "No thank you" on repeat to his messages for the next couple of days. Then block him if he's still carrying on.

And get a ring doorbell.

PumpkinP · 02/07/2020 20:54

Yeh I think I will stay in, I’m so worried now I’m such a wuss! I’m a single parent as well which I think he must know so maybe he thinks I’m an easy target. I wasn’t expecting him to come with a friend so I was abit surprised. It’s true I shouldn’t worry about being blunt to him , he is being really pushy, I’ve gone over the messages and I did say to him I can do it myself, so don’t need him to do it. So maybe not a no but that’s the truth, I said to him when he was here I can manage the bits myself I just didn’t have the time for the hedge as it’s really over grown and didn’t have the right tools. He hasn’t messaged in a couple of hours so hopefully that’s it.

OP posts:
properjambon · 02/07/2020 20:57

Do you have any large brothers/cousins/male friends that you can invite over for the day just in case?

User43210 · 02/07/2020 21:20

I feel anxious for you, this is awful.

As pp have said, make sure you're in at the weekend, with a male or your mum if possible (I know my mum would be right up for putting him in his place, not sure about yours. But then again, so would I!)

Maybe (unless he knows you're single) tell him you've spoken with your boyfriend who will come over and finish the bits off.

Tell him you have no more money to spend for the garden and something along the lines of "as per my multiple previous messages, I will contact you, should I wish to have any further assistance, please remove my contact details"

I'm tempted to say post his number here, I'm sure a few MNers will happily bombard him with messages to waste time and busy him, he doesn't have our addresses!!GrinWink as mean as it is, maybe he would forget about you or get the point!

WhatCFeryIsThis · 02/07/2020 21:48

^^ re: the above, Although I know this is technically doxxing and most likely frowned upon by most, I still think it's a funny idea Grin now I'm just imagining the things I would say in my fictional texts. Any ideas OP? Smile

WhatCFeryIsThis · 02/07/2020 21:50

Just to confirm, I'm asking for imaginary text ideas, not voting for OP to post the number as I know that shouldn't happen. Just want to lighten her mood Smile

TimeIhadaNameChange · 02/07/2020 21:54

I would text him one last time saying you do not want any further work done, you will not pay for any further work and any further correspondence from him will be harassment and you will go to the police.

MinnieJackson · 02/07/2020 22:00

I agree with PP 's. Seems so insistent, I feel worried Confused
Id go with my boyfriend is back from his army tour/body building training / worlds strongest man competition and he will be completing the work Grin

Warsawa31 · 02/07/2020 22:18

If he messages you again just say “as I’ve said no more work needed, so no more contact required, Thank you for the work you did but please stop messaging me”

It’s not right that you get someone round for a job and are now anxious about him turning up randomly.

PumpkinP · 02/07/2020 22:18

I would post it if he didn’t have my address! When he came here he said can I ask how you found me, I said it was you that messaged me Confused nothing more so hopefully he has got the message, if not I like this idea! Id go with my boyfriend is back from his army tour/body building training / worlds strongest man competition and he will be completing the work

OP posts:
WhatCFeryIsThis · 02/07/2020 22:25

@MinnieJackson

I agree with PP 's. Seems so insistent, I feel worried Confused Id go with my boyfriend is back from his army tour/body building training / worlds strongest man competition and he will be completing the work Grin
I really like this idea Grin
backseatcookers · 02/07/2020 23:06

"Apologies if I wasn't clear, I really don't need any more work done so please don't keep asking as I'm really busy at the moment so can't keep coming back to messages about this. Thanks again for the work you did do, that's all we will need so no need for you to be in touch again. If we were to need any work in future either my husband or I will be in touch but I don't think we will need anything. Good luck with the business."

You shouldn't have to apologise obviously as you've done fuck all wrong and he's overstepped hugely. But my suggested message above is based on wanting him to stop without him becoming nasty. You shouldn't have to use the mention of a man but unfortunately with oversteppers it can help. Would you feel able to send something like the suggestion above?

Riv · 02/07/2020 23:35

You mentioned in an earlier post that the man might have some difficulties. Perhaps social or learning difficulties? Could the “friend” might have been a support worker?
He might be very capable with the work but not be good at understanding inferences or have difficulties in reading social situations.
In any event I recommend sending one last clear message- like Cherrysoup suggests: “No work for you here. Stop contacting me.” It may sound rude and blunt but you have tried politeness and it hasn’t worked. It’s very clear, there is no room for misunderstandings. It cuts ties and gives no suggestion that you might have work for him in the future.
You will also have clear evidence that you have told him there is no work (if he does turn up and try to charge you) and clear evidence that you have told him you don’t want any more contact ever - In case you do need to take things further.

Riv · 02/07/2020 23:38

Should add it’s clear and to the point. No extra polite language that could confuse him if he does have difficulties in understanding or reading.

JudyGemstone · 02/07/2020 23:40

He is being completely inappropriate and unprofessional, the time for politeness is passed and you definitely don't need to worry about being rude.

'No, we are done here. Goodbye' would be fine. How dare he make you feel uncomfortable like this Angry

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