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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel bad about not liking her?

59 replies

Serena92 · 30/06/2020 20:39

I’m 28 and have a group of close friends (there’s about 8 of us) who have been friends for around 10 years since meeting in college. We go on holidays together, I spent last Xmas with a few of them and we all get on really well. About a year ago one of my friends started bringing along a woman she works with.
I consider myself a nice person but I absolutely cannot stand this new woman even though I have tried my best to. Obviously I would never say anything to her face and haven’t said anything to my other friends but I really just can’t get on with her. She’s 10 years older than me and we have absolutely nothing in common but like I said I’m polite to her when we’re together. Today she sent a group message saying that now lock down is easing she can’t wait to meet up with everyone again but honestly the thought just filled me with dread.
The other day I mentioned the situation to my mum and she said with all the be kind stuff going on at the moment I should make more of an effort with her and not be so horrible.
So I guess my aibu is does being kind mean you have to like everyone, Surely everyone has people in their life that they don’t like?

OP posts:
RoosterPie · 30/06/2020 20:41

What is it about her you can’t stand?

Sparklesocks · 30/06/2020 20:41

I know you said you don’t have much in common but what specifically do you think it is about her which gives you such strong feelings?

jessstan2 · 30/06/2020 20:42

Do other people in your group like her apart from the friend who introduced her?

isabellerossignol · 30/06/2020 20:43

You don't have to like everyone and you don't have to spend time with people you don't like. But you have very strong feelings that seem to go beyond 'not having much in common'.

Is she actually horrible, or do you just resent the fact that someone new has joined your group?

TheoriginalLEM · 30/06/2020 20:44

You feel threatened by her, you have a safe group of friends and now this woman comes along and threatens the status quo. I understand how you feel but try to get over it if you can

AIMD · 30/06/2020 20:45

Being kind doesn’t mean you have to like everyone, just that your not unkind to people just because you don’t like them.

I’d just avoid any one on one time and maybe just focus on the other friendships you have.

Sound difficult but possibly just a. Lash of personalities?

lobsterkiller · 30/06/2020 20:48

If there is a 10 year age gap, could it be you are both at different stages in your respective lives?

You shouldn't feel bad for not liking her as we cant like everyone but I would do my best not to show it.

mrscatalano · 30/06/2020 20:54

I was just talking today about a situation I was in years ago when a friend brought someone into our friendship group. This person was rude and at times quite unpleasant and our mutual friend realised this but it was still awkward when I had to say something. I just didn't want to be in their company any more and nor did other people.

Is this person doing anything or saying things you don't like or is it more a clash of personalities? If it's the latter I'd be really wary of saying anything as it's going to leave you looking mean and bitter.
It's hard though when someone new comes into a group and changes the dynamic. Sometimes it helps to shake things up a bit but not always!

BluebellForest836 · 30/06/2020 20:58

No. You don’t have to like her, there are women in my friendship group I don’t like yet they have never done anything to me. I just don’t like them!

Just go out and sit at the opposite end of the table and chat to all your other friends. If there’s 10 of you then you won’t need to be right next to her

D4rwin · 30/06/2020 20:59

Different stages of life doesn't mean you dislike someone, perhaps have less in common, maybe disinterest if you're a little self focused, but this appears to be an active dislike or reaction to.

What particularly causes your aversion?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 30/06/2020 21:22

I don’t think you have to like her, but you can’t try to influence the others not to see her or include her.

Original poster
Serena92 · 30/06/2020 21:25

I don’t feel threatened by her, I just can’t warm to her at all. I don’t know if my other friends like her because I don’t want them to know that I don’t as it could make things difficult if it’s just me that doesn’t.
The thing I don’t like about her most is that she always talks down to me and offers me life advice. I have a 1 year old dd and own my own home but she talks to me as if I’m a teenager. I do look young for my age but have always considered myself as quite mature,I’m the only one in the group she does it to even though all my friends are the same age as me.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2020 21:26

You don't have to like everyone and you don't have to feel bad about not liking people.

I do question the strength of the reaction though: if she's just one member of a friendship group it should be fairly easy to just politely tolerate her without having to spend quality time together. You say the thought of seeing her "filled you with dread". Unless there's something you're not saying, this is quite an extreme reaction to someone who is a bit part in your life. Why do you feel that strongly about her? Can't you just ignore her?

AIMD · 30/06/2020 21:28

@Serena92

I don’t feel threatened by her, I just can’t warm to her at all. I don’t know if my other friends like her because I don’t want them to know that I don’t as it could make things difficult if it’s just me that doesn’t. The thing I don’t like about her most is that she always talks down to me and offers me life advice. I have a 1 year old dd and own my own home but she talks to me as if I’m a teenager. I do look young for my age but have always considered myself as quite mature,I’m the only one in the group she does it to even though all my friends are the same age as me.
Ah I can related. I look young for my age and people often treat me differently when they find out I’m older than I Look.

That does sound rather annoying. I wonder if there is a polite but firm way to shut her down and prevent her making these types of comment.

As someone else said maybe just situate your self meat other people when you meet up.

I’m someone who struggle to forget things that have annoyed me so I’d struggle with this too.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 30/06/2020 21:32

DH has a friend I can't like, she's part of his group that go way back. I'm nice to her but try not to be on my own with her.

@Serena92 do any of your other friends have children? Is she maybe trying to connect with you because you do but getting it all wrong (and being annoying?)

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 30/06/2020 21:33

@Serena92 I genuinely do not see how owning a home equates to maturity at all, I really don't!

Going by your username, you're only 27 and I thought I knew it all in my 20s!

Perhaps listen to this lady's life advice and grow up a little bit??

Ishihtzuknot · 30/06/2020 21:36

You don’t have to like everyone you meet, in fact it would be weird if we did. As long as you’re polite and stay civil/make small talk just concentrate on the friends you do like and ignore her comments that feel patronising. Other people will notice if she’s doing it on purpose.
Subconsciously you may feel like this because she’s new and come into your group, I get it, things like that worry me too as dynamics can change quickly and there’s risks of friendships changing/ending etc, but her comments would annoy me too.
Is there another friend you can trust to discuss it with? Talking down at you is a valid reason to bring up how you feel about her and others may have similar concerns.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 30/06/2020 21:37

It does sound annoying that she talks down to you! Maybe you can politely but firmly ask her not to every time she does it.

AIMD · 30/06/2020 21:47

[quote Dougalthesyrianhamster]@Serena92 I genuinely do not see how owning a home equates to maturity at all, I really don't!

Going by your username, you're only 27 and I thought I knew it all in my 20s!

Perhaps listen to this lady's life advice and grow up a little bit??[/quote]
Harsh. Why does op need to grow up? She hasn’t said anything ‘childish’ as far as I can tell. She simply dislikes being patronised by a new person in her friendship group.

Original poster
Serena92 · 30/06/2020 21:47

@Dougalthesyrianhamster - I never said that owning a house made me more mature, just that I had generally always thought I was quite mature for my age. Also I by no means think that I know it all, I have older friends at work and family members who give me advice which I’m grateful for, I just don’t think I should have it forced on me when I haven’t asked or it by someone who doesn’t really know me that well.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 30/06/2020 21:47

There are 8 of you share her around and politely say that you are a capable mature woman, if you really cannot stand her but your friends like her you need to suck it up.

We are a group of 8 and do not agree on everything about each other but have rubbed along for 20 years now.

Eckhart · 30/06/2020 21:48

You don't have to like her. But if you want to be viewed as an adult, act like one. If she keeps patronising you, tell her directly 'That was patronising', each time she does it. You don't have to be rude, just be straightforward. It doesn't need to go beyond the two of you. She won't keep it up for long. Don't get pulled into any drama.

Bluntness100 · 30/06/2020 21:51

I have to be honest op, you’re not coming across as very mature, what with the whole I don’t like her and I don’t want to tell my friends stuff..it comes across as very immature,

Ardessa · 30/06/2020 21:53

I look younger than my age, I get talked down to as well. I would just avoid 1 on 1 when you are in a group, just swerve her and I'm sure she will get the hint. Otherwise, I would just say something to the friend that introduced her to the group.

AIMD · 30/06/2020 21:53

@Eckhart

You don't have to like her. But if you want to be viewed as an adult, act like one. If she keeps patronising you, tell her directly 'That was patronising', each time she does it. You don't have to be rude, just be straightforward. It doesn't need to go beyond the two of you. She won't keep it up for long. Don't get pulled into any drama.
Yes great advice. I find it hard to be assertive and have been working on being more assertive over the last few years. I’ve found this type of direct comment works really well...:I have to plan ahead for it though because I find it hard still to respond assertively one the moment’. Maybe have a few polite but direct stock replies you can give when you feel she is being patronising.

Is there something specific she patronises you about? Eg how to raise your child? I wonder if it’s the specific thing she’s commenting on that is annoying you?