To not feel bad about not liking her?

[Serena92]

I’m 28 and have a group of close friends (there’s about 8 of us) who have been friends for around 10 years since meeting in college. We go on holidays together, I spent last Xmas with a few of them and we all get on really well. About a year ago one of my friends started bringing along a woman she works with.
I consider myself a nice person but I absolutely cannot stand this new woman even though I have tried my best to. Obviously I would never say anything to her face and haven’t said anything to my other friends but I really just can’t get on with her. She’s 10 years older than me and we have absolutely nothing in common but like I said I’m polite to her when we’re together. Today she sent a group message saying that now lock down is easing she can’t wait to meet up with everyone again but honestly the thought just filled me with dread.
The other day I mentioned the situation to my mum and she said with all the be kind stuff going on at the moment I should make more of an effort with her and not be so horrible.
So I guess my aibu is does being kind mean you have to like everyone, Surely everyone has people in their life that they don’t like?

[Limpid]

But it sounds as if she’s just an add-on to your group. I’d have made it plain I wanted it to remain just the original friends if a new person’s presence was really having an impact on my enjoyment of a group of friends. There is absolutely no virtue in silently seething around someone you don’t like.

[Stella8686]

Unwanted advice constantly would grate on me too. It's possible she doesn't realise she's doing it or perhaps she's sensed that you're not warming to her and that's her way of communicating with you.

I know I try to give back in conversation to show I'm listening and keep the conversation flowing. Sometimes that might be as advice or something similar that has happened to me.

Try nipping it in the bud by every time saying thanks and then changing the subject

If she's saying it in an obviously condescending way say No, that wouldn't work for me and change the subject

[SirVixofVixHall]

It is odd for her to be brought along, unless she is the partner of one of group ? You have all shared history from college and she isn’t part of that, so she might feel a bit out of synch too.

[TitianaTitsling]

@Limpid

But it sounds as if she’s just an add-on to your group. I’d have made it plain I wanted it to remain just the original friends if a new person’s presence was really having an impact on my enjoyment of a group of friends. There is absolutely no virtue in silently seething around someone you don’t like.

I'd find it really odd if someone tried to control a friendship group like this, you don't like her? Dont go to stuff she's at!

[CornedBeef451]

That is awkward! I think you just need to politely rebuff her and try and sit at the other end of the table when you meet up.

I've had a similar experience being talked down to by a couple of my sister's friends. I'm in my 40's, two kids, well travelled (I'm aware that makes me sound like a wanker), reasonable job, fairly well functioning adult, so suddenly being patronised by two women in their mid 50's was really weird. It was about a trip to New York and they were giving me advice as if I'd never been anywhere further than Birmingham before. I ended up dropping "when I lived in Sydney" into the conversation an alarming number of times. Plus they're into woo things and I am very much not. Led to a very awkward afternoon tea. Fortunately very easy to avoid them though.

Sorry no help but I feel your pain!

[HoldMyLobster]

You've done well to get this far in your life without having a friendship group containing someone you don't particularly like.

You don't have to like her, but it sounds like you're going to have to work out how to cope with her being around.

Some great advice from others on here about being assertive and letting her know that her advice isn't required. Hopefully you'll work out how to get along with her even if you don't ever like her.

[MalcomTuckerisMyIdol]

You don’t have to like her - just be polite etc. Is she 10 years older than all of your group or are you mixed ages? I think I’m nearer her age and tbh I can’t say I’d find hanging out with a large group of people ten years younger that appealing (10 years older fine - but I think there’s a yawning generation gap between someone of 29 and 39 currently.

[OrchidJewel]

Yes I get this. I have a group of 6 (we have SN children) and our what's app is sacred and no 'new members' but we have set up separate groups instead. I know you haven't spoken to anyone about her but I'm sure your not alone in your thinking

[Takeitonthechin]

Her name isn't Amanda is it ?

[silvermantella]

I agree with AIMD that Dougalthesyrianhamster's comment was unnecessary and quite bizarrely harsh. Also illiterate with the smug "going by your username you're only 27" when literally the first words in the opening paragraph from OP are "I'm 28."

I think it's pretty obvious that owning a house per se is not necessarily any more mature, but that (in the same way as being a long-term renter is) it is one indication of someone that is sorted and grown-up, in that you have had to reached a certain level of financial competence, organised yourself to keep the home maintained, pay bills on time, sort insurance etc. every year, all that boring adult stuff which wouldn't apply to other 28 year olds who could still live with their parents or in a flatshare that they swap every few months. Of course they could be more mature in other ways. OP was just given some examples to show that she was living a relatively responsible, settled life and thus there was no need to patronise her.

I disagree somewhat with the other comments saying you shouldn't stop your other friends spending time with this woman - firstly I think you should check to see if they actually all do like her. If they are all like you and don't like her but don't want to be the one to say first then it does seem ridiculous for you all to spend time with someone most of you dislike. Even if they don't mind her, surely they are closer friends to you - if one of my best friends was being repeatedly put down and patronised by someone who wasn't much more than an acquaintance I wouldn't want to keep hanging round with the acquaintance at the expense of my best friend, even if I personally didn't have any issues with them.

Finally, friendship groups aren't always stagnant and it's good to make new friends etc. - but you are already a group of 8 - if each of you decided to bring just one extra person along you'd be a gang of at least sixteen and then the dynamic you have now would have to change - why does your original friend have the right to impose someone upon you all?

I'm not saying nobody new should ever join a group but as a bare minimum they should be nice to the original members!

[Poliomolio2]

No, you definitely dont have to be sucky up nice to her, just generally civil, try not to make any real deep conversations with her and it should nto go on too much of a tangent to annoy you. Think some of the comments on her are rather harsh to the OP! I know full well id be similar if someone was talking down to me and trying to advise my life they really knew nothing about!

[DrManhattan]

I once read that sometimes when we take a dislike to someone it can be because they make us recognise something in ourselves that we dont like. Or they could just be a nob head.

[Queenoftheashes]

Hmm I think dougal still thinks they know it all.

I have to hang out with people I don’t really like a lot. One of my friends is really diplomatic and is able to accept the annoying things people do as they don’t mean to, have good points etc. I try to channel that tolerance. Wine helps.

[imsooverthisdrama]

You've not said why you dislike her so much .
You can not have much in common etc but you can see they are pleasant enough and get along but you may not be best friends .
What your saying is you can't stand her why ? What's she done ? Is she horrible etc ?
If no then it's your issue you don't have to be best friends with everyone just be civil and pleasant.
You are sounding like a bit of a bitch to be honest and if you can't stand her as you say and she hasn't done anything I feel sorry for her .

[Serin]

Well done you for having sorted your life at 28.
Your Mum is right though, Be Kind.
She may very well lack your social skills.
There was a thread on here over the weekend from a lady with probable ASD who felt she was always putting her foot in it and had alienated any potential friends.
It was sad to read.
You are blessed with good friends and an easy nature. She sounds like she struggles.

[D4rwin]

Are you the only one with children? Or perhaps does she impart the advice one to one so you're not noticing her with others. Practice avoiding her and closing down advice seems the way to go. It is socially akward for a group as well. I am getting unwanted advice on this zoom group I am part of. Because I am not in the room with the person I am taking advantage of the power of the deliberate awkward pause and they inevitably suggest I've frozen and I say no or just didn't have anything to say or was that directed at me anything to allow someone else to start talking. People are starting to notice but not the person in question. It's frustrating and worse when precious social time is being marred.

[livefornaps]

I would just hoover down some more hooch any time she offered me more "advice", and loudly agree that she's sooooooo WISE woow where'd ya get those INSIGHTS maaaaan

Essentially, annoy her before she can annoy you. Then she'll give you a wide berth

[Smegmaballet]

Why does the OP have to do anything differently in order to be treated like an adult? She's nearly 30!

And to the patronising poster who said the op need to listen to the patronising friend because 'you only think you know it al in your twenties ' Please.


There's little real difference between 28 and 38. You're both fully in the real adult world.... if you weren't personally that says a lot about you but it's pretty uncommon. Don't assume the same about the OP

[MalcomTuckerisMyIdol]

@Smegmaballet I’d actually say there’s a huge difference between the two - not in terms of being “grown up” bit right now these are two distinct generations.

I don’t think the op is in the wrong btw. I’m more wondering about a 38 year old who’s buddying up with an long term established group of 28 year olds. Assuming it’s a new friend to the other friend am thinking quite likely a relationship breakdown situation or similar which is why she may be impatient unwanted advice.

[Smegmaballet]

@Bluntness100

I have to be honest op, you’re not coming across as very mature, what with the whole I don’t like her and I don’t want to tell my friends stuff..it comes across as very immature,

Eh?

Why does not liking someone who patronised you make you immature?

And how would bitching about this woman behind her back to her friends be mature?

OP I'd just say 'of course' 'obviously' 'well, yes, I'm 27' etc whenever she starts. Maybe add a confused head tilt. Polite but pointing out she's being patronising.

[MalcomTuckerisMyIdol]

*imparting not impatient

[Onestepup]

I wouldn't enjoy being part of a friendship group where some of the people didn't like one another.

Anyway, back to your situation. Maybe this woman thinks she is being friendly and helpful by offering advice. Why would she wind you up deliberately? Most people aren't aiming to be annoying so that you dislike them!

I would just be assertive and polite, and say thanks but you'll be doing it your way. Then change the subject. Ask her if she's going on holiday, what's her favourite restaurant, whether she's ever been skiing, anything really! You don't have to let her natter away in a patronising fashion.

[monkeyonthetable]

Have you worked out what it is about her that your friend likes so much to have invited her into the group? If you can, focus on her good points and allow her bad ones to pass you by. No one is perfect. We are all incredibly annoying to someone. You say you are mature, so use that maturity to overlook what irritates you and concentrate on how happy she makes your friend. It's amazing how much less annoying people can be when they relax and are accepted.

DC have a close friendship group and a boy who had no friends tagged along and kind of forced his way in. He can be incredibly annoying - talks non-stop, insists on always having his own way, is rude and argumentative. But they are a laid back and kindly lot and realised he was lonely so included him. He's still just as annoying but I've spent enough time in his company to see he is also hilariously funny too. And he has loads of energy whereas the rest of them are very laid back. So he's good for the group in his way.

[TitianaTitsling]

Is she is actually offering life advice or just talking about her own life and history?

[TitianaTitsling]

Posted too soon! Is she randomly telling you 'do that/this' or are you talking about things and she says 'i'd do/did this'?