To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

Yes Verity, I start off thinking it's a normal nice thing to do, but when more than a few things happen in a relatively short space of time it does really make me think, hold on! I've got a lot better over the years (even with the gardeners I think pre dd I would have carried on helping them out and let her stay etc!) but I find it hard with friends I've known longer. I was lucky as have a few friends but not many local ones. These are the ones I have a harder time culling because I see them more often so I mistake them for being "there for me". You have to really go back and make mental lists of things to get a better picture - going over old messages can trigger lots of memories of how they make you feel which is a good heads-up.

@jesuisPoulet thank you!

It’s about having boundaries basically. If you were brought up to consider other people’s needs before your own you’re going to struggle with saying no to people. It’s taken me a long time.

Not me but my parents. DM's Ex-BIL (divorced out of the family 20+ years) asked for recommendations for a good tradesman as his heating had been broken for months and he and his adult son had been sitting in the cold. DF forwarded the number of the reliable guy they'd used for years who always did excellent work. Ex-BIL had the work carried out and when the tradesman asked for payment Ex-BIL informed him he wouldn't be paying and since my parents recommended him they should be the ones to pay.

My parents were mortified and felt guilty as they had made the recommendation, because a good tradesman is hard to find they did offered to cover the cost directly to him but he said no, it wasn't there fault he'd work out a payment plan with Ex-BIL or pursue him through small claims court.

@Fanthorpe yes definitely agree with boundaries. I’m working on creating some!

Oh hell, I've thought of a couple more...
The window cleaner, who used to have a brew/cake at our house. Had replacement windows fitted, and the porch was removed, and took months for the firm to make a custom fit new one, pretty much the same as the other one. Builders left me with an inner door as a front door. Window cleaner carries on, charging the same amount as if the porch that he cleans was present. When the porch was eventually replaced, tried to charge me extra for the porch! Cunty fucker! Needless to say, he doesn't get a brew any more, so I think he shot himself in the foot.
Even for CF. When DH moved in to my house, he had a flat. His family were desperate for him to move in with me, so that DH's adult nephew could move in, and stop driving family members who he was then living with a bit bonkers. So I actually had him move in a little before I was ready for it, more fool me. The only requirement, in return for leaving nephew with all crockery, additional furniture, hoovers kitchen electronics etc, was that he look after the resident free range budgie. His father, DH's brother, was meant to give a token couple of hundred pounds for the other stuff. Not only did this not materialise, but within a week the budgie was looking for a new home, we couldn't have him, cos of Spongecat. I was frantically trying to find him a new home, and managed to get him in an aviary eventually, but I seemed to care more about it than other people . Six months down the line, nephew had defaulted on rent, and was back living with family. He came to do a small job at our house, and then claimed £5 back for parts. I actually had to keep out of his way, as I would have said something I might have regretted later.

We went camping with a couple of other families. One afternoon, the kids wanted to go to the pool, and the parents of family1 said to dad of family2 could dd go with him to the pool. Fine.
An hour passes, no sign of them.
2 hours, still no sign.
Phone them, no reply.
3 hours, come back from site pool, feed all kids.
4 hours, still not replying
Get kids changed for bed, really starting to worry
They arrive back to site - they'd popped to the shop, then decided to have a drink, then gone for a walk.
Never apologised. And more fool us, have been CF on many occasions since

In my twenties, I was renting a flat in a naice part of London. My flatmate moved out and I was looking for a replacement. An old friend moved to London after losing his business in his home country because of war and needed somewhere to live. His mental health was in tatters, he'd lost his parents (to ill health) and was supporting 2 younger siblings at university. Although he had inherited a lot of assets (a block of flats, a farm and the family home), he'd lost his regular income.

Of course I let him stay (for free) until he found work as a contractor (in a well paid professional job) then he asked if he could stay on and offered me a few hundred pounds a month towards the rent as that was all he said he could afford at the time. So I was paying over 3/4 of the rent and all the bills, he was paying less than 1/4 of the rent.

After about 18 months, money was getting a bit tight for me, I hadn't been able to put away any savings since my friend moved in and it got to the point that I was starting to dip into my savings. He seemed to be back on his feet financially as he could afford to go on holiday, eat out in restaurants so I asked if he could perhaps contribute a little more now.

Apparently not as it turned out he had given his cousin's address in Bucks as his home address to his employer and his contract only paid X amount (what he was giving me) as a weekday housing allowance while he worked on site. Also he had only manage to put away £1500 in savings the past couple of months because he'd overspent on going out/holidays instead of his usual £3k a month so he need to tighten his belt because he was saving up for a deposit to buy another house in the UK Turns out he owned a flat in South Ken that he rented out!

All the bleeddin time !
Latest i have been lumbered with a distant relative that was supposed to staying in spare room for a few weeks during lockdown - but now i can get rid off of her - it would be okay if she tidyed up or answered the door for a parcel - but no way can do this as" i can't dealt with dustbins/postmen without make-up ..."

• i can now see why my cousin was desperate to offload her .

Otherwise my work mate has not paid back several ten quids,as always phone in sick on the payback day or not paid any petrol money yet still texts " can you pick me up i will pay u a fiver towards petrol " - she earns way more than me as well. Phew - i feel better now !

You know that little lad will probably remember you all his life @TeapotCollection ?

Especially with a mother like that. So although I can totally see how your experience was intensely annoying, I wouldn't call it a write off.

@goingoverground that's appalling behaviour. Hope he's not your friend anymore!!

Wow. There are some right cheeky fuckers out there! I only read page 1 and it made me too cross to read anymore!

Many, many times. I’ve given lifts, helped people move house and decorate, looked after pets, done people’s shopping, stored their stuff for years, etc. But when I had a crisis I couldn’t get anyone to even meet me for a coffee.

No more. I volunteer for a charity that doesn’t take the piss, and don’t put myself out for anyone except my parents.

My husband's cousin complained that we didn't pay for his hotel room to attend our wedding. It was a small wedding with quite an extravagant menu and lots free flowing booze.

He complained about it 8 years after the wedding. In a text. Directly to my husband.

I gave a friend £100 because she was down on her luck and couldn't afford to have the lights on/ heating etc. over Christmas. I gave it because I know loans don't work between friends.

3 weeks later i find out the reason she's so skint is because she's sending all her money to a guy in a 3rd world country that she met on holiday.

I'm glad I sent it. It was generous of me and I can afford it, however, never again! Every time she pleads poverty now I just sympathise.

Another friend always accepts outgrown children's clothes and really lays it on thick about how she needs them. With a £4000 watch on her wrist. I send all the best/labelly stuff to my mate who is a single dad and doesn't earn much because he never asks and he always sends me some music mixes or pictures in return unasked (artist).

I've got a beautiful outgrown Hilfiger padded parka for his son next winter. I'm going to enjoy sending him that.

I like to help people but I have boundaries these days!

We met a woman who gave us the impression that she was struggling to survive financially. At one point she started attending a weekly class in the community hall near us and we invited her to come round for supper afterwards. From then on she turned up each week for dinner and a glass or two of wine even when the classes had finished. I thought my partner had invited her, my partner assumed I'd invited here and we were about 10 weeks in before we realised she'd just invited herself.

This went on for months, with her telling us about her lack of money, her poor pay and student loan and goodness knows what. We'd send her home with a takeaway box of leftovers for the next day and fruit and veg from our garden. We were never invited to her home. She gave the impression it was too small and not the kind of place visitors would feel comfortable.

We used to lend her books and one day she returned one and we found a payslip inside it, used as a bookmark. She was earning more than either of us and was more senior in her organisation than she'd made out. And her address was on the posh side of town and when we drove past it we could see it was a much bigger and smarter house than ours was.

We cancelled supper and we never heard from her again.

I had one really cheeky bastard couple I was friends with briefly. Asked me to help them move house because they had no car. Ended up packing all their shit for them, doing multiple runs in my tiny car only to find out she had asked other very capable family members to come over and help her decorate. Family members with cars and functioning limbs. Same couple also took the piss with borrowing an expensive item from me, breaking it, and then losing it. They also repaid my kindness by setting my very recent ex boyfriend up with one of their friends. I can't think why we drifted apart...

My husband bought me a voucher for 2 for an expensive spa for a significant birthday. He told me to enjoy the day with a friend. The experience included all the usual stuff including 2 treatments each plus lunch and wine. When the day finished, she suggested we went to the bar. She bought the drinks (a glass of wine each). She then asked me for half... I really couldn’t believe it. I’ve never felt the same about her since.. it really spoiled what was otherwise a lovely day! Oh and to save on taxi’s my husband gave us a life there and back!

I think certain types of people come into our lives to teach us a lesson.

Got two.

I was 16 and had a sleepover with one of my new work colleagues whilst her parents were on holiday ( she sod she felt nervous being on her own). I woke up ready for work to find she had already gone, her parents who I had never met then arrived back home to a complete stranger in their house it was so awkward and the best bit was the CF had "stolen" my bike to ride to work.. leaving me stranded as it was too far to walk. That was the end of that short lived friendship.

The second one ( which I have written about before) I gave my old car to a colleague at work as she was struggling to get to work and her kids were getting soaked on the school run.
She invited me to a BBQ a few weeks later and told me she had sold the car and bought some things she needed more with the proceeds one of which was the very posh high end bbq she was currently using.

Yes, walking a neighbours dog each lunchtime as she didn't have time during the day only to discover she worked pt and got home early enough to grab a nap before picking up her dc from school.

Actually @rc22 he's not my friend any more but he "dumped" me! I agreed to let him stay until he found a new place. I didn't see him few a days at one point (not unusual), it was only when the cleaner came that I realised he had moved out without telling me! And owing me rent. He also took some rugs that I had bought for his room when he first moved in because he didn't like the wooden floors and had brought home a bunch of carpet samples from work to use as rugs.

He then sent me a character assassination by email that included the wonderful line that I had made his life miserable because I was so tightfisted that I only had the heating (that I paid for) set to 20 C and he wasn't "like me", he didn't like to wear a jumper in the house! He ended by telling me never to contact him again. I didn't, funnily enough.

When I was younger there was a really elderly lady who lived over the road from us, she wasn’t very chatty so we didn’t know her very well but we knew that she didn’t have any family. One Xmas day my mum saw her going out, it was a hideous day so the lady was wrapped up with a plastic head scarf on, mum went out to wish her a merry Xmas and was chatting to her for a few minutes and it turned out the lady hadn’t realised it was Xmas day and was going to the shops as she had no bread etc. We were going to family for dinner so didn’t have anything in to make a proper Xmas lunch but mum made her some sandwiches and put some crisps and other bits on the plate, she then wrapped up the rest of the loaf we had and got some biscuits etc from the cupboard and took the picnic over for her.
She answered the door, took one look at the loaf and said “I won’t eat all that so you can take it back”, she peeled the tin foil back from the sandwiches and declared that she didn’t like ham so they were no good either. She was happy with the biscuits though

Mother of god, some of the CFs on here should be rounded up and sent to Mars on a one way ticket.

Lent a friend my carpet cleaner, this was when we didn't have much money so a carpet cleaner was an expensive luxury for us.

Anyway, she broke the handle so it stopped working and insisted that I'd given it to her broken. She had it months and didn't think to say anything.

Then, I helped her clean and bleach her house from top to bottom when she needed it but when I needed help with packing boxes for a move she couldn't possible help no, she laughed in my face then wondered why I refused to paint her dining room for her.

There were so many instances over the years and it took me until last year to realise that she is always out for what benefited her and over stepping boundaries whilst laughing.

Needless to say I've now gone no contact & the relief is bloody brilliant.