To ask whether you’ve ever regretted a kind gesture?

[Rainbowb]

I offered to pick up a friend’s daughter after school three times a week when she got a new job. I then discovered the child liked to jump on furniture, trash bedrooms and eat me out of house and home! Was two terms before I had the guts to pull the plug on it! Was wondering if any of you guys had ever tried to do something kind and wish you hadn’t bothered?!

*that should say my CF friend's boyfriend, not my boyfriend!

Dilemma I really hope these people are no longer in your life. As for the give us money for the takeaway, I'd have laughed at that (I've had that happen so many times, especially with people who eat several courses whilst I had one plus water and then pulled 'let's split it' that I've developed a tougher hide).

I gave my friend a hot tub plus accessories. Could have sold it for £400+. She smiled, said thanks, that was it. Not even a bottle of wine.

Splitting bills in restaurants ( remember them ?) is mostly unfair and can cause so much stress !

I helped a colleague write her cv for s job. It was a mes so I rewrote the whole thing, did all the formatting etc.
She was thrilled and asked for help with the interview questions that evening. I agreed but said I only had a half hour as had to go to college and not be late. She turned up just as I had to leave for college and I had to go. She tore into me and was so abusive I was shocked.

I didn't give her the disc I had saved her CV on.

My boss will often ask for items when I pop out to the high street at lunchtime. He earns more than double my crummy wage but rarely remembers to pay me back. I’ve started saying I’m not going to the high street just to avoid this (I’m a doormat)

I had to work abroad for 2mths. A family friend in 50's , ex-police women, now a solicitor, was working in London mon-fri. I offered her the flat during the week as she had a long commute, & was looking for her own flat to do the exact same. In return, she as going to provide legal advice on a minor matter & pay certain fees. I had the flat re-painted whilst away also. Never had issues with her prior.

On return, turns out her 18yr old son had moved in instead!!! Newly painted walls all scuffed & marked, glass shelf in fridge smashed, things missing & multiple noise complaints from neighbors on my return. Unsurprisingly, her offer of legal help never materialised!

My own fault for just locking the door & leaving, or getting a management company. Never again would I 'rent' to a 'friend'. Never spoken to her since.

I learned the hard way after moving to the UK that people just don’t offer petrol money, it doesn’t seem part of the culture. When young drove from London to Torquay for a party, took two people, neither of whom moved a muscle to offer anything, in fact they barely made conversation. I was too shy to say anything back then.

@everythingbackbutyou exactly! So messing childminders about then looking for another in same area is a fools errand!

that's why your ex friends are wealthy.
They have short arms and long pockets!
I have often found the richer someone is the meaner they are*

So true my parents have said the same - the reason the rich are rich is they rarely spend their OWN money!

I've been on tight budgets most of my adult life and so mostly stuck to just paying for what I've had in restaurants and buying my own drinks.

My mums family has this issue though, goes back to rich folk don't spend their own money! It's 2 of them and whenever they all meet up for a meal they insist on the bill being split - they're the best off out the 6 AND the only drinkers AND the only ones that ever order starter AND dessert.

Things came to a head a few years back when one of the others was going through a REALLY tight time and they'd said they could only go to this event if they could only pay for their own. The 2 drinkers having had cocktails, starters, steak dinners, wine throughout and desserts went "ugh it's a faff working out each persons bill it's easier just to split it evenly" well the person having a rough time lost it! I wasn't there and don't know the whole story but mum put me in picture (she was none of the 3 mentioned but absolutely sided with the "poor" one who'd had a side as a main and a glass of coke!) and said not only did the 2 CF get their arses handed to them over this but there were DECADES of home truths fired out regarding their selfish, entitled behaviour! They were all in their 60's at this long so that was a HELL of a lot of home truths going back to teen years where 1 of the drinkers had borrowed new suede boots off another sister and puked on them drunk and ruined them!

Mum was worried things maybe went too far but knowing them all as I do I disagreed, I said it was about time those 2 got telt!!

Yes it was a long time coming but it was bloody deserved!

Sorry meant to say - the 2 have been much better behaved since but occasionally regress to old habits, but now the other 4 bring them back into line without it erupting into ww3, it cleared the air in many ways and I think they're actually closer now

A few years ago (now ex)DH's brother got into debt, hadn't paid council tax and had the ballots knocking at his door. He's a skilled workman and we gave him the £2k he needed to get out of the debt and asked that, rather than pay us back, he do some work on the extension we were building to save us hiring someone else.

He turned up for one day, moaned, demanded food and drink all day, went home after about 2 hours in total of work and never returned.

@morriseysquif

I helped a colleague write her cv for s job. It was a mes so I rewrote the whole thing, did all the formatting etc. She was thrilled and asked for help with the interview questions that evening. I agreed but said I only had a half hour as had to go to college and not be late. She turned up just as I had to leave for college and I had to go. She tore into me and was so abusive I was shocked.

I didn't give her the disc I had saved her CV on.

I love your last line!

But just why is it that CF are so fricking cheeky and grabby and ungrateful?! How do you get to be that entitled and blinkered, that let alone they can't show recognition for someone's kindness/financial contribution/effort, they can also (it seems reading a lot of these) find things to be arsey or picky about on top of that?! Is it a learned habit from childhood? Or a misplaced sense of grandeur?

If someone so much as steps aside on the pavement to let me go first I'm grateful and say so.

It's puzzling, isn't it? For most people, if you told them to deliberately avoid saying thank you when they otherwise would for an experiment (like the Yes/No Game), they wouldn't actually be able to do it.

I would think the 'learned behaviour in childhood' theory would be a no-brainer, especially when you see some parents who never say No to their kids, whatever they do or ask for - but for the fact that so many of these kind of people have very normal, decent, kind parents and siblings and, in fact, choose them as their victims.

I wonder if a lot of it is a result of crushingly low self-esteem (not suggesting in any way that ALL people with LSE behave this way). They're angry with the world and gain immense pleasure and imputed self-worth from stealing a march on somebody. It can't just be through pure greed, as so many of them will actively avoid merely saying 'thank you' or sending a cheap card and going to great lengths to rip somebody off for just a pound or two.

I can only think that, in many cases, these are people who don't feel able (or can't be bothered) in life to climb the ladder for themselves and just prefer to try to achieve the same effect by staying where they are and treading others right down into the mud.

SIL came round with 3 year old nephew, who took a shine to one of my DC's board books. A really lovely one, a favourite. It had been a baby gift. DC were long past the board book stage, and kindly gave it to nephew.

Went round to SILs to drop something off a few weeks later. Book was lying, shredded, on the floor. The spine literally ripped in two.

I have worked with, been around, and been a mother to children all my life, and the only three year olds who treat books like that are ones who have profound needs of some kind, or whose parents allow them to because they don't give a shit. Unfortunately time has shown the latter to be the case in regards to SIL.

Sadly we had bought beautiful books for DN's first birthdays and christening, including a heirloom set of Beatrix Potter which presumably met the same fate. That was the one and only time I had seen a book in SILs, I assumed they just kept their own books in their own rooms, but no, they got shredded

I think for some people it is jealousy, pure and simple. I have a relative like this. She is a free loader par excellence. If there is something in it for her, she will find a way to be part of the party. She doesn't give a thought to how things impact on others , what trouble or upset she causes or what others have to sacrifice so she can have what she wants. Doesn't say thank you for anything, ignores messages, doesn't reciprocate kindnesses. Her children have no manners and are never told 'no'. She's bitter about anyone who has more than her , without considering how they achieved what they have.

She's become very left wing, angry with people who have pensions or nice holidays.

She's never worked full time in her life, apart from a few months. Yet she expects all the goodies to fall into her lap.
I've spent years feeling upset by her but now realise it is simple envy which motivates her.

Katherinepar4
I totally agree and I have known similar types myself!

Katherine yes, this is what it was for my ex-friend. When the gardeners she recommended first started they kept saying she was asking them odd things, one of them being whether they "liked Poulet more than her" if they thought I was a better cook . She used to say things to me that were nasty digs about my inheritance being how I coped better than her (my mum died) when she had her entire detached house bought for her by her dad who also used to pay her MOT, bought her a new car, paid bills etc! I was an idiot to let her do this for years. I think part of me did feel guilty inheriting from my mum and maybe she thought my kindness was pity. Who knows. It wasn't a good friendship.

Poulet,
I know a few people like this too!
They have to be the centre of attention don't they? Or like to dig about things and make you feel uncomfortable. Or the ' do as I say not as I do ' types. It's their way or the highway!

My boyfriends best mates wife has used/attempted to use three people at least badly enough that they won't do favours/ favours for anymore. My BFs DSis gave her skills at cost for this couples wedding and so much was demanded of her that she's refused to EVER do mates rates/favours again. I completely understand and agree! I have a friend who is a lovely photographer- it's never occured to me to hire her at anything less than her actual billable rate!

My cousin's wife doesn't say a proper thank you unless you give money or alongside money. I chose the gifts my parents & I gave to her babies (paid halves). Mum made a point of telling this woman when we met face to face that I'd picked the items & all I got was a rather watery smile. She also has not thanked me for books of my own that I gave to her children or chocolates I sent specifically to her to say thanks after I borrowed my cousin to help me move. She was pregnant and had an 18mo old - I felt I ought to say thanks! Her husband said thanks on the day but I'd like to hear HER say it, text it whatever - just the once!

Also put much effort into doing all the leaving gifts etc at work. My own gift was utter shit.

I know a few people like this too!
They have to be the centre of attention don't they? Or like to dig about things and make you feel uncomfortable. Or the ' do as I say not as I do ' types. It's their way or the highway!

Yes this so true.

years ago, I lived a 5 minute walk from a friend. He told me that he was skint, and asked for £20 for the electric (I suspect it was fir other things!) I dtopped this through his letterbox, and he said he would pay me back at the weekend. I actually needed the money, but it never came. When I asked him about it, he said 'you expect me to walk all that way..in the rain?!' I was 😲

Was on a train once, all the seats were taken so I was standing in the entryway bit (don't know what it's called...). A woman was also in there with her baby in a pram. The baby was wearing one of those wrap around headbands with a big flower on it. While the mother was on her phone, baby/young toddler pulled said headband down over her mouth and nose and it got caught in her mouth - she made a slight gagging noise. I alerted the mum, thinking she'd probably panic and yank it out of her DD's mouth, only to get "Oh, she's always doing that" whereupon she pulled it back into position, fussed about with the placement of the flower for a bit, then went straight back to texting it wasn't a 'kind' gesture as such and it wasn't something I should've been thanked for, but I was a bit pissed off that she left her DD with something that could have choked her, all in the name of fashion.

Also, some of these are I'm always baffled by the sheer audacity of some people. So many scroungers and users about!

Oh, oh! How could I forget: I participated in a workplace Secret Santa a couple of years ago and put a lot of effort into getting a nice gift for a lovely co-worker that I knew she'd love. The exchange happened on a shift that I wasn't scheduled to work, so the others told me they'd leave mine for when I next worked. It never turned up I didn't 'regret' that per se as lovely co-worker was very happy with her present so I was pleased, but I was a bit gutted!