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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

thinking that the cold shoulder is wrong?

63 replies

needhandhold · 28/06/2020 22:27

We had an argument a week ago and my H withdrew completely. No hugs, affection, communication. We deal with the kids together during the day politely and he’s being super funny nice with the kids but he leaves a room if I walk in and goes to bed as soon as the kids go to bed. He’s acting like a single man. This is the 3rd time in less than a year that he’s done this. It only ends if I apologise unreservedly, accept full blame and beg him to reinstate affection. Yes I did shout at him this time out of frustration and say some regrettable things, which I’ve apologised for but he did too and he apologised for his part. Both parties apologising and agreeing to move on should be enough? However, he wants more. He has turned it into a rant about all my past perceived misdeeds/arguments going back 2 years (all of which were resolved at the time). He has also listed numerous reasons in an email why he doesn’t want to be with me including that I object to him withdrawing like this as one of the reasons. He is adamant that our relationship issues are not 50/50 and that it is 100% my fault. I’ve explained my point of view that arguments do happen but most long term marrieds find a way to come together and discuss and resolve. Withdrawing is fine but with an end point in mind so that communication can resolve it. His withdrawal is endless until I capitulate to everything he wants. I find it highly distressing as a sensitive person. It’s lonely, humiliating and exhausting. Has anyone been through this. He says he is protecting himself. I get that and I don’t disagree with a cooling off period but this is more than that! For what it’s worth if he starts an argument and then apologises I tell him let’s forget it and move on and have a hug. I’ve never pulled this extended withdrawal on him. I feel it sets a really bad example to the kids.

OP posts:
Ijustreallywantacat · 28/06/2020 22:35

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to talk, like a grown up, about his issues. This is not ok. Its cruel and unfair. Let him finish his tantrum then put your foot down. If it happens again, pack a bag. Follow through.

OwlinaTree · 28/06/2020 22:40

He sounds horrible and abusive. He's sulking till he gets his own way, ie you backing down.

I would say that you have apologised for your part, you are not going to re discuss issues that have been resolved in the past and apologise again for them, and that as far as you are concerned the issue is resolved. If he is not prepared to move on and draw a line under it he needs to start discussing moving out as he is clearly so unhappy in the relationship.

Don't let him force you to take all the blame op. That's what he's trying to do.

Euclid · 28/06/2020 22:40

This is ghastly treatment of you. To send you an email when you live in the same home is absolutely outrageous. Colleagues are encouraged to discuss problems with each other, not email each other. I have never heard of a spouse sending an email like this. To remain like this for a week is dreadful. I fear that you marriage doesn't have a future which is really sad.

needhandhold · 28/06/2020 22:40

I’ve tried but it just makes him more angry and retreat for longer.

OP posts:
needhandhold · 28/06/2020 22:42

I just don’t know what to do to resolve it. Should I try and get him to go to couples counselling?

OP posts:
Henrysmycat · 28/06/2020 22:44

He’s gaslighting you. He wants out of the marriage and he’d push you till you kick him out.
He already said he wants out.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 28/06/2020 22:45

I think owlina's response is perfect

Sizedoesmatter · 28/06/2020 22:46

He's emotionally abusing you and he'll keep on doing it. This is no way to treat your wife, or anyone for that matter. You deserve better, and I hope you realise that.

Ponoka7 · 28/06/2020 22:48

It's abusive behaviour. If the children are awate then they are being emotionally abused by it.

It isn't advided to go to counselling with an abusive partner. You'd be better going alone and deciding how to proceed. Personally I think your marriage should end.

user12699422578 · 28/06/2020 22:48

He sounds abusive.

Joint therapy is never recommended where there is any abuse. It just gives the abusive party more tools to abuse.

See a therapist on your own.

You can't fix him. He chooses to behave like this because it gets him what he wants. Control.

needhandhold · 28/06/2020 22:49

He is adamant that he’s within his rights to withdraw and that its my terrible treatment of him that makes him do it

OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 28/06/2020 22:50

Run my love. I am currently doing this to my DH after years of putting up with his miserable behaviour.

Why would you live like this?

FOJN · 28/06/2020 22:51

At best it's immature and at worst it's a very abusive way of controlling someone. You say your attempts to talk to him to resolve matters makes him worse and retreat for longer so my money would be on him using it as a form of control.

Under ordinary circumstances you might consider counselling as a couple but this is a bad idea if one party is abusive.

Silent treatment combined with a habit of dredging up old arguments are big red flags for me but then I was married to a man who could maintain the silent treatment for a month or more. We went to counselling and he used it as a way of abusing me further. We divorced and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I no longer live in such a toxic environment.

user12699422578 · 28/06/2020 22:51

And pp are right that your children are being abused too.

Living in this environment will fuck your children up. So better that he leaves and you get therapy to recover.

Saz12 · 28/06/2020 22:51

He’s awful, isn’t he?
It’s all well and good having a sulk/vent to friends/etc, but an adult who’s idea of resolving issues is to say “it’s all your fault and Im not speaking to you” is pathetic. How can you be in the same team as him? Tell him you can discuss {whatever you argued about}, but don’t apologise for things you don’t agree are your fault.

user12699422578 · 28/06/2020 22:52

He is adamant that he’s within his rights to withdraw and that its my terrible treatment of him that makes him do it

That's what all abusers say. If he said anything else it wouldn't be very effective as a tool to control you, would it?

FOJN · 28/06/2020 22:53

He is adamant that he’s within his rights to withdraw and that its my terrible treatment of him that makes him do it

1st rule of misogyny - women are always responsible for what men do.

Merryoldgoat · 28/06/2020 23:17

He’s an arsehole. You can’t change him. I’d start getting ducks in a row and getting out of this relationship.

Beautiful3 · 28/06/2020 23:17

That's abusive behaviour.

RightOnTheEdge · 28/06/2020 23:22

What an absolute twat of a man.

His treatment of you is terrible. The absolute nerve of him sending you an email listing all the reasons he doesn't want to be with you!
Give him his wish!
You deserve so much better Flowers

Pretenditsaplan · 28/06/2020 23:27

You said hes told you he doesnt want to be wqnt to be with you. So split up. Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you (by hanging on to past arguements he clearly resents and dislikes you). Your life together is over. Its time to start planning a new life. If hes saying it just to hurt you then why would you want to be woth slmeone who qants to hurt you like that? You dont set out to hurt people you love and care for.

Eslteacher06 · 28/06/2020 23:34

Unfortunately, this will never get better. I've been there. It's awful. Leaving my bastard was the best thing I ever did

Nicedayforawedding · 28/06/2020 23:37

I was with someone like this for years and it gets worse not better. You might not recognise it as abusive behaviour but it’s mental abuse and it does wear you down.

I remember having a problem during my pregnancy and going to hospital where it was touch and go whether it would still be viable. We waited three days for test results and he was moody and withdrawn. We found out the pregnancy was fine and he then ignored me for three days, no explanation, just cold shouldered me. I heard it all, I love you, I’m leaving you, the blame, the head wreckage.

It’s not your fault. Get out before you lose your self esteem and strength.

LakieLady · 28/06/2020 23:37

My ex used to do this. I endured it for 10 years before I caved and told him I wanted to end the marriage. It nearly broke me.

It was many years before I realised that it was emotional abuse.

Please don't be me. And your kids will pick up on the tension and the atmosphere.

NiceTwin · 28/06/2020 23:42

He sounds insufferable.
I couldn't live like that.
Any chance you can tell him to bugger off to his mum's/mate's/hostel?

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