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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

thinking that the cold shoulder is wrong?

63 replies

needhandhold · 28/06/2020 22:27

We had an argument a week ago and my H withdrew completely. No hugs, affection, communication. We deal with the kids together during the day politely and he’s being super funny nice with the kids but he leaves a room if I walk in and goes to bed as soon as the kids go to bed. He’s acting like a single man. This is the 3rd time in less than a year that he’s done this. It only ends if I apologise unreservedly, accept full blame and beg him to reinstate affection. Yes I did shout at him this time out of frustration and say some regrettable things, which I’ve apologised for but he did too and he apologised for his part. Both parties apologising and agreeing to move on should be enough? However, he wants more. He has turned it into a rant about all my past perceived misdeeds/arguments going back 2 years (all of which were resolved at the time). He has also listed numerous reasons in an email why he doesn’t want to be with me including that I object to him withdrawing like this as one of the reasons. He is adamant that our relationship issues are not 50/50 and that it is 100% my fault. I’ve explained my point of view that arguments do happen but most long term marrieds find a way to come together and discuss and resolve. Withdrawing is fine but with an end point in mind so that communication can resolve it. His withdrawal is endless until I capitulate to everything he wants. I find it highly distressing as a sensitive person. It’s lonely, humiliating and exhausting. Has anyone been through this. He says he is protecting himself. I get that and I don’t disagree with a cooling off period but this is more than that! For what it’s worth if he starts an argument and then apologises I tell him let’s forget it and move on and have a hug. I’ve never pulled this extended withdrawal on him. I feel it sets a really bad example to the kids.

OP posts:
Eveta · 29/06/2020 20:16

He’s a nice guy until we argue. Splitting up is very hard to think about but I just feel so ground down by it.

So was my ex. Which was what made it harder. I'd think to myself, if I just try a little harder then maybe he'll go back to being nice. Which of course he did. Eventually. On his terms only. It's not a good way to live.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 29/06/2020 20:17

Couples counselling sounds a good start (if he were open to it)

Veterinari · 29/06/2020 20:20

Couples counselling sounds a good start (if he were open to it)

Couples counselling is never advised in an abusive relationship

I'd suggest the OP gets solo counselling tho

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 29/06/2020 20:24

@Veterinari - I would agree if it was a physical abuse tbf
If I were the OP I would start with mediation / couple counselling - there is a misalignment. BOTH of them claiming to be right

I tend to reserve judgement until I heard both sides of an argument.

needhandhold · 29/06/2020 20:25

I’m starting counselling on my own next week

OP posts:
needhandhold · 29/06/2020 20:31

@letmethinkaboutitfornow the thing is it’s not about who’s right or wrong. Everybody argues especially if you’ve been together a very long time. The issue here is the conduct during arguing. I believe if you can’t agree you agree to disagree. If it’s become high emotions then you say let’s park it, cool off and resolve. It’s the resolving. Extended silent treatment for a week at a time and no way to communicate and no end in sight. A complete shut down of all communication or affection until I beg or take full responsibility. It means the actual thing we argued about is lost and it then becomes about all the mistakes/transgressions that have ever happened. It accumulates. So previous arguments that I believe have been resolved really haven’t. The kids see him walk out of a room when I walk in. I don’t have the option to check out after a row. I’ve got to get on with our lives/kids stuff. It’s debilitating and humiliating. If I don’t reach out then the withdrawal would go on and on.

OP posts:
letmethinkaboutitfornow · 29/06/2020 20:40

@needhandhold - thank you for the additional info

You think it is him. He should be more forthcoming, not to give you the cold shoulder, being a man child (sounds like one!)....
However what change do you expect of YOU having counselling on his behaviour?
(Hence I thought couple counselling where both of you could represent your PoV could be beneficial)

Veterinari · 29/06/2020 21:02

I would agree if it was a physical abuse tbf

@letmethinkaboutitfornow
Why - do you think other forms of abuse are less important? How do you decide your hierarchy of abuse? It's actually recommended more so in cases of emotional abuse as manipulative men can deceive counsellors so your decision-making does not align with expert advice. Why not just go with the advice of the experts and the law and recognise that all forms of abuse are valid?

I tend to reserve judgement until I heard both sides of an argument.

Advising her to seek couples counselling with a potentially abusive partner isn't reserving judgement. It's telling the OP that you've assumed she isn't in an abusive relationship, that her feelings aren't valid, and that you suggest putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation. Please educate yourself.

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

Veterinari · 29/06/2020 21:05

Alternatively @letmethinkaboutitfornow

If you think ignoring your partner for days until they beg for forgiveness, and apologise for years worth of minor 'transgressions' that you've kept a mental scorecard of is normal behaviour and/or a 'misalignment' then I suggest you may want to seek help with re-evaluating your own relationship boundaries.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/06/2020 21:06

And you stay with this prize twat because....?

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 29/06/2020 21:09

@Veterinari - Geeez!

  1. Didn’t say her partner was right
  2. Didn’t say emotional abuse was not a valid abuse

He sounded more of a stroppy petulant man child - communication can work! The sooner they start the more likely they can work out whether they can agree on a way forward or going separate ways

amicissimma · 29/06/2020 21:34

There are various threads on Relationships that you might find useful, OP.

This is the first of several where the poster describes her situation as it develops. Of course each relationship is different, but you may find things you can relate to and that might help you with your own thoughts.

Veterinari · 29/06/2020 22:12

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

Please read my posts properly before you get stroppy you seem to be responding to 'accusations' that I haven't actually made. I simply asked you some genuine questions as your 'advice' is concerning. You're the one that 'prioritised' physical abuse over emotional abuse in terms of not seeking counselling even though it's actually emotional abuse where joint counselling is contraindicated.

I appreciate your intentions were good but your advice was dismissive and potentially dangerous.

As I said before - if you think making your partner beg for you to deign to speak to her, and apologise profusely for years worth of transgressions, is simply petulance, you should probably re-evaluate your own boundaries.

@needhandhold
I agree with amicissimma - ask for this to be moved to Relationships - you'll get much better advice.

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