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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this assault? (trigger warning)

61 replies

ellaandthebella · 28/06/2020 21:35

I have been dating a man for about 5 months, though our relationship was still relatively new as we couldn't see each other during lockdown. We have always had very suggestive messaging about what we would like to do to each other. Once we were able to we to we bubbled up. Last week we had a date night and I drank a bit too much wine. We had sex (consensual) that night and he stayed over at mine. I then fell into a deep drunk sleep. This morning when I woke up I can remember vaguely him having sex with me whilst I was passed out. I didn't try to stop him but was not with it at all at this point. I honestly don't know how to feel now. Was this rape or just a misunderstanding?

YABU - You didn't try to stop him so he didn't know you didn't want it.
YANBU - Yes, that is rape

OP posts:
NatashaRomanov · 28/06/2020 21:43

You were passed out, you couldn't consent. It was rape.

indemMUND · 28/06/2020 21:46

That is definitely rape.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 28/06/2020 21:47

I agree with PP. Just because you've consented the last time doesn't mean you can consent a second time. Having sex with someone when they are asleep is raping them. I'm sorry this happened to you

Original poster
ellaandthebella · 28/06/2020 21:47

The thing is I love having sex with him. If I was awake I would have absolutely consented. But the fact he didn't give me the option to make the choice to just doesn't sit well with me.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 28/06/2020 21:49

Rape. You have been raped. It is not uncommon unfortunately.

It makes no difference that you 'didn't try to stop him'. You could not have given your consent as you were unable to, so it is is rape.

Haffiana · 28/06/2020 21:53

There have been many posts on the Relationships board where this sort of behaviour eventually develops into people even being encouraged to get drunk by their (sometimes long term) partners, so that they can rape them in their sleep.

I suspect that a man who can actually do this once will do it again - why wouldn't he? He is a rapist.

isupposeitsverynice · 28/06/2020 21:53

You're right, he's a rapist

Anamechanged · 28/06/2020 21:53

Yes that's rape

Original poster
ellaandthebella · 28/06/2020 21:56

Thank you to all the responses. It means a lot that you spent time replying. My head is a bit all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
amusedtodeath1 · 28/06/2020 21:56

It's rape OP. He took what he wanted knowing full well you were drunk and unresponsive. He may not realise he did anything wrong but he did.

amusedtodeath1 · 28/06/2020 21:58

Do you have someone in RL to support you OP.? Im so sorry he did that to you.

SuperficialSuzie · 28/06/2020 22:02

I'm sorry OP, he raped you.

You were out of it, you could not have consented.

RealityBased · 28/06/2020 22:07

It doesn't even matter whether this was, technically speaking, rape (I happen to agree that it was) or a "mere" misunderstanding.

This man has clearly shown you that he prioritises his own urges over ensuring your well-being and isn't overly bothered with making sure you're on board.

Run for the hills, OP!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 28/06/2020 22:10
user12699422578 · 28/06/2020 22:12

Rape.

Original poster
ellaandthebella · 28/06/2020 22:26

It seems like people do think it is rape. Though the 13% are the voices in my head making me think maybe not.

OP posts:
hatemyselfrightnow · 28/06/2020 22:44

@RealityBased

It doesn't even matter whether this was, technically speaking, rape (I happen to agree that it was) or a "mere" misunderstanding.

This man has clearly shown you that he prioritises his own urges over ensuring your well-being and isn't overly bothered with making sure you're on board.

Run for the hills, OP!

This ^^
Haffiana · 28/06/2020 22:50

OP, if your partner was unconscious, naked with a boner, would you bounce up and down on it despite your partner remaining unconscious? Would you NOT NOTICE that he was unaware of what you were doing? That he couldn't possibly be enjoying or participating in this because he was UNCONSCIOUS? Would you ENJOY doing that to him?

It doesn't matter that you would have been enthusiastically up for sex if you were awake, the fact is that he did this to you KNOWING that you were not participating. He fucked you whilst you were asleep, and he did it KNOWING that you were in no state to participate in an act that should involve two consenting adults. What sort of man could actually enjoy sex with a non-responsive sleeping woman? Why didn't he tuck the duvet around you, and wait until you were awake?

DaughterOfHekate · 28/06/2020 22:52

How drunk was he? just curious as its not an excuse for poor behaviour but alcohol does blur the senses and make people less perceptive to social cues

To be honest I think only YOU can decide if it falls under the category of rape as it's difficult to know the nuances of the moment looking from the outside in.

Clearly it's not sitting well with you so might be worthwhile discussing with your DP

I've had "sleep sex" whilst in a committed relationship before (as both the recipient and the instigator) but there was never any malice intended on either part, we trusted each other and were super horny lol

I know I'm gonna get pilloried for this but human relations are not always as clear cut as previous posters would like to make out.

PumpkinP · 28/06/2020 22:57

Hmm. My ex use to have sex with me when I was asleep, when we were together obviously. I would wake up during but I’ve never considered it rape, and no it’s not something we previously spoke to or agreed to but I just don’t see it as rape so I guess it depends how you feel about it.

backseatcookers · 28/06/2020 23:00

I don't trust the type of man happy to have sex with someone who is unresponsive and unconscious. Think about what that says about his character.

It's up to you what words you use to describe it OP but I would personally think he has raped you and you need to consider what his behaviour tells you about him.

For me it's a total disregard of you as a whole person and a tendency to view women as existing to serve his wants (or he would probably call them 'needs'.)

I'm really sorry this happened to you Thanks

RoseGoldEagle · 28/06/2020 23:20

He had sex with you when you were asleep, you woke up during it. That is not consent. He absolutely raped you. Am really sorry OP.

Original poster
ellaandthebella · 29/06/2020 00:12

@RoseGoldEagle

He had sex with you when you were asleep, you woke up during it. That is not consent. He absolutely raped you. Am really sorry OP.
I didn't actually wake up during it properly. Sorry for the tmi, but when I woke up in the morning I was really wet and thought that's strange, and when I went to the bathroom I smelt it and realised it was semen. It was then I I had vague memories of being out of it and him having sex with me which wasn't us having the consensual sex last night. I then went back to him and was like 'haha I had a dream we were having sex, did we actually have sex' in a jokey way and he said we didn't. And then flashbacks of him having sex with me kept coming, so I asked if he was sure we hadn't had sex and he still said we hadn't. I then told him to stop it and I remembered him having sex with me and he finally admitted it. The fact that he lied before I straight up confronted him also makes me feel so uneasy.
OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/06/2020 00:19

Rape. His lies show you that he knows he was in the wrong. Get some specialist support if you can.

OhTheRoses · 29/06/2020 00:23

I cannot imagine what sort of man has sex with a non responsive, unconscious, drunk woman. And then lies. He must be rotten to the core OP.