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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this assault? (trigger warning)

61 replies

ellaandthebella · 28/06/2020 21:35

I have been dating a man for about 5 months, though our relationship was still relatively new as we couldn't see each other during lockdown. We have always had very suggestive messaging about what we would like to do to each other. Once we were able to we to we bubbled up. Last week we had a date night and I drank a bit too much wine. We had sex (consensual) that night and he stayed over at mine. I then fell into a deep drunk sleep. This morning when I woke up I can remember vaguely him having sex with me whilst I was passed out. I didn't try to stop him but was not with it at all at this point. I honestly don't know how to feel now. Was this rape or just a misunderstanding?

YABU - You didn't try to stop him so he didn't know you didn't want it.
YANBU - Yes, that is rape

OP posts:
itsallgitsandshiggles · 29/06/2020 00:24

Would you have ordinarily had sex without a condom? (As in, are you covered with the pill etc?)

Anxieteaa · 29/06/2020 00:33

Before your last update OP I would have said it’s blurry and you need to have a sit down talk and work out what he thought had happened and explain how you feel.

After your update, knowing that he lied to try to cover it up, so he FEELS like he did something wrong tells you a lot. I’m really sorry but you need to bin him.

If he was wasted too, and you told him your side and he was horrified and genuinely didn’t realise, that would be one thing. But doing it and denying it shows the motive behind it

Lightsareon · 29/06/2020 00:35

OP is there anyone you could talk to about this in real life? I'm a bit worried about you being on your own reading these replies x

mamasiz · 29/06/2020 00:39

I’m so sorry OP, but this was rape. You were not in any kind of position to consent at the time. Having consensual sex with someone once does not give them the right to have sex with you a second time without your consent. Please talk to a trusted friend and consider going to the Police.

1235kbm · 29/06/2020 00:40

That's rape OP because you cannot give consent to sex when unconscious. Some couples have an agreement that it's ok to wake each other up with foreplay or sex but you didn't have any kind of agreement.

This is a sexual fetish and quite common in porn.

You could contact Rape Crisis in order to discuss it further and get some support. If you're not on any contraception, then make sure you get an STD test and MAP.

Euclid · 29/06/2020 00:41

OP this is really scary. He is not to be trusted and could just as easily have killed you in your sleep with some weird sex act. The fact that he lied shows how dishonest he is. If you only know him for five months you will not have seen him much before lockdown. Please get some friends or family to help you and do not contact him again.

Mummyshark2019 · 29/06/2020 01:01

Oh wow! Sorry this happened to you OP. You hardly know this person. I would report him and most definitely end the relationship.

DrManhattan · 29/06/2020 01:03

He lied and tried to make you think it didnt happen? That's awful. Get rid.

ClaryFray · 29/06/2020 01:06

Short answer yes it is assault. Or at the very least (best case ) poor decision making on his part.

Only you can decide how you feel about it and if it's an acceptable limit violation to you.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 29/06/2020 01:12

He was a rapist before your update. The update makes it absolutely obvious he is a scumbag.

Do not see him again. He is dangerous to you. Did you consent to sex without a condom?

PAND0RA · 29/06/2020 01:18

You could contact Rape Crisis in order to discuss it further and get some support. If you're not on any contraception, then make sure you get an STD test and MAP

This is good advice OP, please follow it.

ClaryFray · 29/06/2020 01:21

Okay just spotted the update, disregard my last comment he is an actual scum bag

RealityBased · 29/06/2020 01:21

Your last update actually made this a lot worse: him lying about it suggests an acute awareness of both the fact that you may not have consented and of his behaviour in this situation being inappropriate.

This man is a predator!

RealityBased · 29/06/2020 01:23

... phrased this way too diplomatically, actually:

Basically, he confessed!

backseatcookers · 29/06/2020 06:28

OP he had sex with you while you were unconscious and unresponsive then lied to you when you asked him directly about it. The fact he later admitted it after being pushed more than once means nothing. Please do not continue to see this man, you will feel on edge forever if you do - that's your gut warning you and it's doing the right thing Thanks

Howlat · 29/06/2020 06:39

It's rape.

And he knows it - even if the 13% can't figure that out.

Please contact Rape Crisis and get tested for STIs. Even if you had condom-free sex consensually before, you cannot trust this piece of shit man at all.

Thanks
lovingllamaa · 29/06/2020 07:13

Sorry, it’s rape.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 29/06/2020 07:24

Please get the morning after pill asap. The last thing you need is a pregnancy. And yes he raped you. You always get weirdos on these kinds of threads who say they don't mind if their partner wanks into them while they're asleep. They might be ok with their partner taking advantage while they're asleep but i guess at least some of them would rather "be ok" with it than face up to what their partner has done. The fact he lied about it shows he knows exactly what he was doing. Rape crisis can help you.

Firstawake · 29/06/2020 07:39

That was rape, that's why he lied. Flowers

Original poster
ellaandthebella · 29/06/2020 10:11

Thank you everyone. I do take the pill so I am not worried about pregnancy luckily.

OP posts:
Twillow · 29/06/2020 10:18

Remember the Do you want tea? analogy.
If you're not awake it's clearly not ok to pour tea down your throat, however much that person thinks you might want a cup of tea.

angieloumc · 29/06/2020 10:19

Even before your update to me he raped you.
After your update, I feel even more disgusted by him. He knows he raped you and tried to cover it up. Even if you don't want to rake it further, ie with the police, please get rid of him as he will do it again.

Quartz2208 · 29/06/2020 10:21

Did the consensual sex involve a condom as well

it is definitely rape and he was banking on you not remembering. Block and move on and unbubble with him

Also rape crisis and STI checks

Geauxtigers · 29/06/2020 10:30

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. Please get some support as has been suggested and maybe talk to a trusted friend but please please get out of the relationship with him. Anyone who would do that and then lie about it does not deserve to be in a relationship with any woman, let alone a wonderful person like yourself

LuluBellaBlue · 29/06/2020 10:47

I’ve been in exactly the same position as you - questioning if I’m over reacting.
You are not!
As previous people have said, can you even imagine wanting to have sex with someone who’s passed out???
There’s a certain type of person who finds that a turn on - and they’re called predators no matter what disguise they wear the rest of the time. He’s shown you who he really is Flowers