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AIBU?

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Original poster

I donated to a just giving my husband think I am BU

66 replies

outofstock · 27/06/2020 01:29

Please help explain where and how this is unreasonable!

We live in a small village, in that village a young girl died recently in an accident on a farm.

Her family are not well off at all. A family friend setup a just giving page to raise money to pay for her funeral and possibly give some to the family.

She was very well known and much loved but I didn't know her personally. I donated a sum of money not a lot just about the average and my husband thinks it's weird and ridiculous I did this as I didn't know the girl.

My opinion is she was part of our village a well loved member her family are struggling with enough and if this makes the days a head the slightest bit easier then I'm more to happy to give.

Dh said I shouldn't have gave the money I didn't know her personally.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 27/06/2020 01:33

I think you did a nice thing and collectively made a difference to someone you know of.

roxfox · 27/06/2020 01:33

Your hubby is an idiot. Did he not see how many millions were raised for captain Tom?! This money will actually help an individual family.

You did the right thing op

creativecringe · 27/06/2020 01:37

Well done for helping a family in need. They will appreciate every help they can get. Who do think should give money? If it was only family and friends they would not be asking.

AlCalavicci · 27/06/2020 01:43

I think part of the point of a just giving page is to get the message out to people that may not of otherwise known of the cause / how to donate.

I have used donated via them quite a few times to people /cause that I am not directly linked with because I know it will make a difference to that particular person / cause rather than the wider group

The last one was to a friends neighbour who's dog had been attacked by another dog and needed a lot of treatment she could not afford .
Do I know her ? no , was it the right thing for me to do ( for me ) yes certainly

Original poster
outofstock · 27/06/2020 01:43

I'm just so confused he is the kindest hearted man, would give anything to anyone..often lends money to friends who need it from one month to the next.

When corona struck the local bar man was struggling and he added lots to our food shop and called by and gave the food to him.

Yet he thinks I'm weird for giving money for this little girls funeral simply because I didn't personally know her or her family.

I just don't understand his point of view and I'm saddened by his thoughts on this.

He was brought up in the countryside with no close neighbours. I was brought up in the village we live in. I'm trying to see it as he doesn't really understand village/ community life but I must admit I'm upset with his opinions

OP posts:
Sobeyondthehills · 27/06/2020 01:50

Is it possible he is worried that he thinks, that has you donated above the average you might be considered a grief chaser (I can't think of another word for it)

Original poster
outofstock · 27/06/2020 02:01

@sobeyondthehills I don't think so the average donation was £28. I donated £30

I think he would have just said if he thought that

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 27/06/2020 02:06

YANBU

What you did was lovely.

Your DH sounds fundamentally kind, but has a slightly different view of wanting to know the person he's helping. That's fine too.

What's not fine though is him telling you that you shouldn't give money to people you don't know personally. Doesn't he ever donate to a charity?

I'd explore where that thinking comes from, it's not particularly kind.

Didkdt · 27/06/2020 02:10

I think there's a blurred line.
Your husband sounds like he helps out those he knows
You helped someone you don't know.
The thing I find odd is you say this girl was a key member of the village community you say you've always lived in but you didn't know her yet he is a relative newby but knows the barman and enough locals to help them out on a personal level
Perhaps he thinks you'd help a stranger rather than your mutual friends..

IdblowJonSnow · 27/06/2020 02:13

Most of the time when we donate to charity we don't know the people involved. It's the same principle. I guess it's ok to disagree but you're an adult and should be able to make your own choices without being branded as ridiculous.
I think I'd feel uncomfortable about his attitude to the young girl too. How sad. Flowers

Original poster
outofstock · 27/06/2020 02:15

his friends and the Barman aren't from the village.

No I didn't know her and no one can believe this all my brothers and sisters knew her, even my mum knew her too.

OP posts:
AMCoffeePMWine · 27/06/2020 02:18

Losing a child is completely devastating. When we lost our son, I could barely function, and I didn’t go back to work for about a year or more. The funeral for our son was expensive and unexpected, so it was a financial strain all round.

You did a kind thing for the poor little girls family. Not only will the donation help, but knowing that people care will be helpful for them, even if it’s people they don’t know directly. And they will need all the help they can get.

BeautifulCrazy · 27/06/2020 02:19

I'm just so confused he is the kindest hearted man, would give anything to anyone

Obviously not.

Maybe he is happy to give money and shopping to people he knows as he gets gratitude for it. Some people only give if they feel like some kind of hero. This young girls family are likely to have other things going on, he won’t get to feel like a hero so maybe that’s why he’s not interested in giving.

Regardless of his reasons, I’d ignore him. He doesn’t sound kind at all.

Life is very cruel sometimes.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/06/2020 02:32

I see his point tbh. I am very sceptical about JustGiving etc and think a lot of them are CFs or scammers.

A distant relative of mine died earlier in the year after a long illness. I heard that my distant relative's granddaughter had set up a GoFundMe to visit the dying grandmother/attend funeral and raised around £1k (she lives abroad). Granddaughter didn't turn up at the funeral and presumably pocketed the cash.

You have no way of knowing a)if the family are genuinely in need or b) if they will actually be given the money.

DaisyDreaming · 27/06/2020 02:53

I think you did a nice thing. If enough is raised her parents can take comfort for giving her the send off tbey feel is best rather than just what they could afford and take some comfort in knowing their child had the best for their final journey

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/06/2020 05:25

I think it was nice of you.

I assume his point of view is that her family is no more related to your life than any of the million other families that suffered the death of a loved one on the same day.

You see her being a part of the village as a connection and he doesn’t. Almost everyone has a line somewhere as to who they will extend support to and who is too distant to be as obviously considered appropriate to give something up for, I don’t think either of you is right or wrong, but he shouldn’t be hassling you just because your view is different from his.

AlternativePerspective · 27/06/2020 05:36

There’s no right or wrong here.

Personally I’m dubious about just giving pages because so many people use them in order to just make money for themselves. The husband of someone I know had one when his DW was dying even though he earns a decent salary. He raised a couple of grand and no-one actually knows what became of it. Eight weeks later he’d already met someone else, had her staying in the house with his children etc.

There have been countless others, even with an alleged terminal illness in mind which have turned out to be nothing but scams.

So while I can understand the friend’s motivation (assuming they were genuine) I probably wouldn’t give either.

SiaPR · 27/06/2020 06:02

@roxfox

Your hubby is an idiot. Did he not see how many millions were raised for captain Tom?! This money will actually help an individual family.

You did the right thing op

for captain Tom? Eh? That money will actually help people too.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2020 06:05

Your family knew her, that's good enough and should be good enough for him too, even if you personally had missed out on knowing her.

I don't understand his position either, in all honesty.

dottiedodah · 27/06/2020 06:39

I think you did the right thing here .Maybe he thinks as you dont personally know the girl its inappopriate .I don t know really .Its not a huge amount .I know that when a teenager here died a few years ago there was a page to give money for his funeral which ran into the thousands .

muckandnettles · 27/06/2020 06:47

My dh is like that about any charitable giving and I don't understand it either. I don't discuss it with him any more, just give what I want.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/06/2020 06:51

I'm a sceptic as far as GoFundMe, JustGiving is concerned.

I'm not saying it's the case here, but there are a tonne of chancers out there who use these sites to and a family situation to make a few quid.

It's a sad state the country/world is in when you see a link to one of these sites and immediately think "scam".

speakout · 27/06/2020 07:13

Why is it any of his concern?

If I donated money to a charity I doubt I would even mention it to my OH.
Does it matter that he agrees?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/06/2020 07:21

Is it to do with scepticism about GoFundMe? He'd rather you donated something directly than paid their fee? Or is cautious in case the person who set it up isn't all they seem?

Does he mean, if you knew them well enough to donate, you should be giving to the family directly? The fact that you need to give via a crowdfunder makes him uncomfortable?

Otherwise, his reaction sounds odd.

Figgygal · 27/06/2020 07:24

I think you did a nice thing And I understand your view
Your husband could be a bit more compassionate

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