I donated to a just giving my husband think I am BU

[outofstock]

Please help explain where and how this is unreasonable!

We live in a small village, in that village a young girl died recently in an accident on a farm.

Her family are not well off at all. A family friend setup a just giving page to raise money to pay for her funeral and possibly give some to the family.

She was very well known and much loved but I didn't know her personally. I donated a sum of money not a lot just about the average and my husband thinks it's weird and ridiculous I did this as I didn't know the girl.

My opinion is she was part of our village a well loved member her family are struggling with enough and if this makes the days a head the slightest bit easier then I'm more to happy to give.

Dh said I shouldn't have gave the money I didn't know her personally.

YANBU. People give to just giving pages all the time where they have no connection to the cause. You did a kind thing for people in need - he’s being weird about it.

Does it matter?

If he thinks it's weird he thinks it's weird. What's wrong with being weird from time to time? He can disagree with you giving the money, much like he might disagree with a shoe or clothing purchase. If you jointly can afford, it its not such a huge amount.

I can see that what you did was from a place of kindness and hopefully will be appreciated by a grieving family, but I'm with your husband here. I try to avoid GoFundMe or justgiving where I can and donate directly to charities. I'd also not just give money to a family I didn't know because they were grieving.

I don't see the link between someone dying and financial hardship... They are not necessarily linked? I appreciate it might cause a family financial hardship but it equally may not. I find it strange to assume it would.

When the toddler of someone I know died, I asked them if there was any particular charity they wanted to donate to in her memory, I've then donated on her birthday.

Tbh if my child died and someone then presented me with a load of money they’d raised on my behalf i would be mortified.

@AlternativePerspective Even if you were struggling to pay for the funeral? I'm pretty sure feeling mortified would be at the bottom of the emotional pile.

Perhaps he’s concerned it’s a sign you’d be taken in by any old sob story you saw online or on a stranger’s Just Giving page, and donate whether it were genuine or not.

But I really wouldn’t overthink it. You disagree on this but it’s not the end of the world.

@AlternativePerspective

I agree, I would be too.

You did nothing wrong OP. It was a kind thing to do.

I think you were very kind but I also see where DH is coming from

AwakenotWoke articulated it much better than I can. I always feel uneasy at the current trend of Justgiving or Gofundme for everything. As if money is the answer to everything

I list a close family member recently. I would have hated people I know raising money. I'd rather , especially in a village community, dropping off meals, practical help etc

Since 2019 the government pay for funerals for children under 18 however this does not include certain elements such as the funeral directors fee and flowers. .
If you can afford it and you are happy with your decision that is all that matters.

A boy from dc's school took his own life recently, I put in the collection online anonymously. Stepped into the dm's shoes for a split second and it was the only way I could help imo.

Even if you were struggling to pay for the funeral? I'm pretty sure feeling mortified would be at the bottom of the emotional pile. yes. The idea that people were talking behind my back and deciding on my behalf that I surely couldn’t afford to pay for my own child’s funeral would be awful. I would be expecting people to almost be whispering about it given they’d already made that decision on my behalf having not even asked for help.

I don’t often give to Just Giving but have occasionally given to people I don’t know. Go for it if you want to I reckon.

I think it's wise to be cautious.
I have just donated to a friend of a friend's family, because I trust the friend involved and because they suddenly lost the husband/father to cancer, just 3 weeks after diagnosis.
They weren't in any way prepared for him to die so soon, and they have a young family, so I don't mind helping them out.

But I think it's still up to you, you chose to do a kind thing, and as I said before, your FAMILY knew the girl, so it's not like she's a complete random.

Donating when someone has died tragically is not uncommon. People like to feel like their doing something to help. It’s not weird at all!

@AlternativePerspective

Even if you were struggling to pay for the funeral? I'm pretty sure feeling mortified would be at the bottom of the emotional pile. yes. The idea that people were talking behind my back and deciding on my behalf that I surely couldn’t afford to pay for my own child’s funeral would be awful. I would be expecting people to almost be whispering about it given they’d already made that decision on my behalf having not even asked for help.

^^ This with bells on! I would feel even more awful if someone presented me with money, because they had decided I couldn’t afford a proper funeral for my child! And, yes, I would be thinking about all the whispering behind my back! But, then again, I am quite a private person.

I’m on your side here

The (on the face of it quite valid) reasons people are giving for your husband's attitude aren't his reasons though.

Fair enough to have reservations about Gofundme in general or to be concerned that the bereaved family will be uncomfortable or mortified to have the death of their dd used to crowd fund. (Hopefully the friend organising this has informed the family or asked for consent?) I'm not sure how these things work.

The dh's reasons are that Op didn't personally know the family. That's an odd argument. People give to charity all the time with no personal connection.
It's almost as though dh thinks you should only give to people you know because he wants a reward for himself (recognition, perhaps the person feeling indebted to him, he could pull in a favour at a later date) or to make himself look good therefore it would be ridiculous in his mind to give something when there is no connection, no gain for the giver.

He is a miserable sod.
Lots of people wouldn't have life insurance cover on their DC.
I donate monthly to a cause rather than a direct debit that incurs costs €15 a month.
Especially throughout the pandemic all the fundraisers were cancelled.
I have donated towards funeral expenses in these circumstances but it can seem crude.

Do you, or those doing the fundraising, know that all children's funerals are paid for via the 'Children's funeral fund'?

You were very kind.
I’d have done the same .
Your husband doesn’t get it, but he’s kind in other ways so there isn’t really a problem.

I gave to a just give me account for a young boy with a brain tumour the other day. It could be a scam but I'm willing to take the chance.

I thought most/all funeral directors don’t charge for children’s funerals?

You might not like what I'm going to say her OP

"I'm just so confused he is the kindest hearted man, would give anything to anyone..often lends money to friends who need it from one month to the next.

When corona struck the local bar man was struggling and he added lots to our food shop and called by and gave the food to him.

Yet he thinks I'm weird for giving money for this little girls funeral simply because I didn't personally know her or her family.

I just don't understand his point of view and I'm saddened by his thoughts on this."

The recipients of your husband's kindness are all known to him, the kindness is face-to-face and he will be thanked to his face and the recipients will display gratitude.

Your kindness is more semi-anonymous and thanks will probably be of the 'thank you all' online variety. This is why I think he finds your kindness "weird". There's nothing in it for you. No thanks, no gratitude expressed to your face. That is what drives your husband's 'kindness' - being validated by the recipient's response.

I'm not seeing your husband as being as kind as you. His kindness is of the performance-kindness variety. He won't be kind unless it's acknowledged. So in my opinion, he's not actually kind. He just likes to be thought of as kind.

www.coop.co.uk/funeralcare/funeral-services/childrens-funerals#free-services