Husband thinks I'm BU, am I??

[BearPomBear]

He really blew his top at me because I failed to tell him a £200 refund was paid to my bank account today. It completely slipped my mind to tell him as I've been wfh all day. He said I'm "slippery" and have effectively stolen the money from him. The refund is from TUI as a goodwill gesture for change of flights. Because DH paid for the holiday he is super angry that I have received the refund. Like being really nasty to my face and continously asking why I didn't tell him. I just don't get it :(

Sorry you’re going through this

I think you’re really strong for leaving

Have things got better or worse over the years? 24 years is a long time!

OP in reference to your earlier comment, I spent many years as a professional working with domestic abuse perpetrators, they're not all bright, it's not about intelligence, he's learned what behaviours get him the outcome he wants and doesn't give a shit about the impact on his partner and children. He is controlling you, emotionally manipulating you and I'd bet my left arm that he tells other people you are crazy/mad/have mental health issues, these things are not an accident or just bring an arsehole they are a choice, one he is making over and over again to the detriment of you and your children and every time he gets what he wants it just reinforces the pattern. I bet he also surrounds himself with similar men who wouldn't challenge what he says about you

It doesn't matter what account the refund went into....it's the reaction.
I've never quite understood mines & yours in a relationship when it's team work....esp when children involved.
My hunch is he's very much aware of his behaviour....he knows you will leave him....he knows it's a matter of time....he's nervous of money as it's a means 'in his eyes' of control....he might think you're building a runaway fund ??
Seek professional advice....you don't need to act on it but at least you'll know your options....that'll give you a feeling of having control.

You have your child to look after.

Forget equal rights for you and him, it's your child who needs their home.

Talk to the council and ask for help getting him off the tenancy as you have split.

If you can get him to leave, don't feel sorry.

He is the abuser - he can get out.

Well done OP. You need to put you and your child first. Good luck.

No I don't think you are overreacting, I think you really must leave him this time.
It will never get better and yes I realised my husband had to go when I wished he was dead constantly too - it's no life.

So we left only to get on the motorway and my front tyre blew as it had a large screw in it!!! I'd hate to think my H did this but it does seem a coincidence. Luckily we managed to pull off but it was so scary! Currently sitting in the packed car waiting for my DD and her partner to arrive, they should be an hour and he'll take the wheel off hopefully and take it for a new tyre. Just hope I haven't damaged the rim. Just want to cry my eyes out and wonder if it's a sign I shouldn't have left! :(

Oh no. I’m sorry OP, but it really is only a blip, in the scheme of things and if he did sabotage you, he’ll be raging that it didn’t stop you. Keep moving forward.

Oh no OP, I hope you're not too shaken.

I agree with the previous posters, do not give up your house to him. Take a few days with your DD to make a plan and then decide on how to get him out. That's your child's home, he has no right to it, no matter how much he tries to guilt you.

Really hope you're ok.

Actually it was a sign he can try and stop you but he can't control you anymore.. You are still leaving..stay strong op.

FGS, NEVER go back to him. He probably did sabotage the car, to try and stop you leaving. He could have killed you and your son. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time, you need to be very careful here.

Speak to the council regarding the house, you've done it before, so can do it again. Contact the police domestic violence unit, and get their help to keep you safe. He is dangerous, you need to remember that, and get as much help from the professionals as you can. Your DD needs to block his number, and if he turns up at hers, don't let him in, but contact the police to get rid of him.

OP that is very alarming.

Please report this to the police. Could you get someone to look at the tyre? It might be possible to determine whether it was tampered with.

Report domestic violence and ask that they get him to leave so that you can go home.

I really think you should contact the council and ask about getting him out. Domestic violence, tenancy already in your name only, you have split - no, I don't think he is entitled to stay there.

All settled at DD's house now. Her amazing partner took my wheel off and took it for a new tyre and put it back on, bless him. Feeling happy and content but haven't slept much with the 3am thoughts of what the hell am I doing! Just all feels so surreal. I've emailed the divorce court this morning as I did get to the stage of decree nisi 3 years ago and am hoping to now apply for decree absolute. Hope it's straight forward! That's one way I can cut his ties to my council house. I do feel wicked and cruel but that's just me. Will need to drive back into London tomorrow for work but it's only 2 days a week and DD will look after DS. So glad I've kept my job as I was going to quit during the lockdown as I'm NHS and DS is immunosuppressed. So at least I have some income.

You must be so relieved to be safe at your daughter's @BearPomBear and also that you still have your job.

Good luck with the Absolute: fingers crossed it comes through quickly and that you are able to move back into your home. 🌹

Contact the council who you rent from. I work alongside one and they have a specialist team who deal with domestic abuse which includes everything he is doing to you. Speak to your housing officer and tell them honestly what is happening and they will likely be able to help you by referring you to the relevant department to get him out. It's your home, with your child and you both need to be protected.
Councils are definitely becoming more wise to this kind of thing and if they are half way decent they will help you.
I understand if you don't want to say but where are you based?
I'm in SW London but I would think (and hope) that most local authorities have help available to those in your situation, I would be happy to help you further if you happen to be in the same borough as me.

Just keep doing what you’re doing and move forward 💐

That’s really scary. I would contact the police in case they can get any evidence re the tyre.

Also speak to the council ASAP re the tenancy. You may well be able to get it back.

There’s some sort of limit on getting the decree absolute I think. But speak to a solicitor or maybe directly to the court if you can.

Well if he had the £3k back from the cancelled holiday, that's enough for initial rent and deposit.
Contact the council about getting him out, as it's you that is the official tenant.
If finances are difficult on your own, consider downsizing if you have a large council property and it's just you and your son.

How are you doing op?

We're doing ok, thank you for asking x. Back to work yesterday and VERY tired today but it's probably stress that's causing it. My H text me yesterday asking us to go home, he misses us, he got it wrong about the money etc, how we're so good together.....but not one apology for his behaviour as usual, I don't think he's actually ever apologised for anything he's done to me. Told him I won't be moving back until he's moved out. Not heard from him since. I will be in touch with the council and will get some legal advice, especially about the status of my divorce. I just feel exhausted at the moment and it can cloud my judgment when I feel like this so just going with the flow at the minute. DS is very happy, loves his big sister and her partner. We've had lots of laughs today :)

I’m glad your staying strong OP, even if you don’t feel it at the minute.

I'm so glad you are ok op. Stay strong