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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I'm BU, am I??

97 replies

BearPomBear · 26/06/2020 22:36

He really blew his top at me because I failed to tell him a £200 refund was paid to my bank account today. It completely slipped my mind to tell him as I've been wfh all day. He said I'm "slippery" and have effectively stolen the money from him. The refund is from TUI as a goodwill gesture for change of flights. Because DH paid for the holiday he is super angry that I have received the refund. Like being really nasty to my face and continously asking why I didn't tell him. I just don't get it :(

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 26/06/2020 23:38

My ex did this slept in our garage or rented hotels rooms we couldn't afford..All part of the plan to make me let him back in..Eventually I ended up in a refuge..

Speak to the professionals the housing, solicitor.. Your H is not telling you what is right..He does the housework to make you feel inadequate.

morethanafortnight · 26/06/2020 23:39

@Jaxhog

Yes you are. Put yourself in his shoes, How happy would you be if HE got the refund for a holiday YOU paid for?
Erm... have you actually read the rest of the OP's posts? This is just the tiny tip of a much bigger issue.

It was only a small goodwill amount anyway, not the entire refund. In any case, she had just forgotten to tell him, not 'stolen' it, and any normal non-abusive husband wouldn't care whose account it was paid into, they'd just be pleased that there had been a refund.

Seeleyboo · 26/06/2020 23:40

And do you want to wake up in another 24 years and think. Wtf

NearlyGranny · 26/06/2020 23:42

Did you remember and tell him, OP, or did he ask after it? You were working and had other things on your mind. It's not theft; that's a spiteful untruth.

This isn't going to get any better, is it? Only worse.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/06/2020 23:42

“The thing is, and this will sound a bit mad but I honestly don't think he has the intelligence to purposely be controlling if that makes sense?”

You don’t need to be intelligent to abuse someone. It’s often made out (on tv for example) that abusers are some kind of evil masterminds with a well thought out plan as to how best to torture their victims. They are not. They don’t know they are abusive usually, (not an excuse) they can’t face it. They are just fucked up, and abusing people fills that fucked up void inside them (or it feels like it does to them).

He doesn’t need to know he’s doing it for it to be wrong. You don’t have to put up with it. Please make a plan to leave, don’t put yourself and your child through any more.

Cuntycovid · 26/06/2020 23:44

OP he wouldnt have a leg to stand on throw him out , the house is in your name and you have young children , ask him to leave if he doesn't ring the police and tell them he is controlling financially and emotionally and you no longer want him in your home., is he a violent man and what is he normally like with money?
Wishing he was dead is a strong emotion sounds like you dont love him anyway and I dont blame you sounds like a cunt. Get police involved f he wont fuck off they will take your side he is an abuser. quote the new cohesive control legislation and get the pig out YOUR in YOUR name house

Cuntycovid · 26/06/2020 23:47

Gwt womens aid involved they have to revise you with children he is an abuser

WhatWouldDominicDo · 26/06/2020 23:47

To be fair, the refund should have been paid back into the same account it was paid out of. TUI have broken the law there.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 26/06/2020 23:48

Please stop letting this appalling man's behaviour blight yours and your children's lives. 💕 There is a much better life out there waiting for you.

Grandmi · 26/06/2020 23:52

Am guessing that there is more of a problem than a paltry £200 .Are you safe OP ? Xx

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 26/06/2020 23:54

Agree with @feelslikeimgoingmad - obviously different councils have different policies, but with my council tenancy (single parent) as soon as it became secure, it meant that the house would automatically pass to my children. It gave them a security against any future partner who may try to get added as a joint tenant, whether we married or not.

OP, I don't know what your council is like, but mine were brilliant and put me in touch with their domestic abuse team immediately when DC & I were on the verge of being made homeless from a private rental. They sorted out everything I needed to know & made sure I knew my rights. Thanks to them, DC & I have the security of this home, and I will never give it up.

kazzer2867 · 27/06/2020 00:01

@Jaxhog

Yes you are. Put yourself in his shoes, How happy would you be if HE got the refund for a holiday YOU paid for?

Are you kidding? I'm hoping you haven't read the entirety of OP's post and missed that this man is controlling and abusive (and the latest abusive shouting episode aimed at OP all over £200).

FunTimes2020 · 27/06/2020 00:03

@WhatWouldDominicDo

To be fair, the refund should have been paid back into the same account it was paid out of. TUI have broken the law there.
Don't be daft, read the thread properly Confused
AriettyHomily · 27/06/2020 00:27

There's so many things wrong I don't know where to start. You need to get rid op, he's controlling every part of you.

The tenancy is in your name. Transfer the £200 and let him sleep in his car.

Starksforthewin · 27/06/2020 00:36

OP, tell the Council he is abusive and you want him out. Get them on your side. The tenancy is in your name. Tell them you would otherwise have to declare you and child homeless, that responsibility would fall back on them, so it is in their interests to support you in getting your husband out.
Use the police if you have to.

He’s not taking over the domestic tasks to be kind to you, he’s doing it to control you and minimise the likelihood of you thinking you could cope without him. You could. You can. And you will be so much happier.
Fuck him and his holiday. If he can afford to pay £3k from his bank account for a holiday, he can afford another place to live.
Let him sleep in his car, don’t feel guilty for goodness sake!

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/06/2020 00:46

Another one not sure where to start OP he is vile and offensive. You haven't overreacted and did nothing wrong either. He however is abusive and paranoid and clearly thinks the world revolves around him. Specifically regarding the money he is pathetic and has shown himself up. Imagine being that grasping over £200 in a LTR. He's like a grim little dragon clawing over his supposed property and money.

I'd just have told DP to keep it or stick in in savings and I expect he would tell me to keep it and buy myself something nice.

Consider your options OP and remain safe. His behaviours display red flags and I would worry about him turning. Hope you're ok.

Lilymossflower · 27/06/2020 00:48

He sounds abusive in a very typical and textbook way please find a way to make him leave

spotthecats · 27/06/2020 00:51

So you had an occupation order previously and got him out, but then took him back. Why have you put your kids through this?

Lilymossflower · 27/06/2020 00:52

Look into the freedom program to learn about abusive behavior

The book 'living with the dominator' and 'why does he do that'

See if you can get hold of them as versions to download on your phone as I suspect he would have an issue with finding the paper copies around

I could send you the downloadable version of 'why does he do that' I think it's on one of my phoned still

CJsGoldfish · 27/06/2020 01:17

Clearly you get something out of this OP to have exposed your children to this for all those years. It is clear you have no intention of protecting the last child at home from it so why post?

Yes, he is BU. But you know that.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/06/2020 01:20

Dont live like this OP. Get him to leave. Hardly slippery if it had only been in your account for a day or less!
Do it for your son. He doesn't need this as a role model. I know it's hard to walk away when you've put up with so much for years but sounds like time to draw the line and get a fresh start.

user1481840227 · 27/06/2020 01:24

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

If you split up then he will probably make things difficult in one way or another even if you move out...so you are better off at least staying in your home.

Ravenclawgirl · 27/06/2020 01:30

Even if you leave, he won't get the tenancy back and he still won't have anywhere to live.

User8008135 · 27/06/2020 07:50

Get legal advice. He leaves, you don't. Do it for your son, he needs his mum, his home and a calm life.

Original poster
BearPomBear · 27/06/2020 11:07

Thanks for your replies, they've been really helpful in helping me decide what to do. Today we are moving in with my daughter temporarily while I figure out how to get him to leave the house. He sent our daughter a text last night asking her when Inwas moving out and said something along the lines of all he does is look after me yet I shit on him time snd time again and that she must learn what I'm like!! She ignored it as she knows he can be a twat but I do feel sorry for her because now he's just going to bombard her with texts. I'm hoping he'll take his usual 2 hour trip to the betting shop today so we can leave in peace (fingers crossed)

OP posts:
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