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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't love your pets half as much once you have kids

532 replies

ishouldtryabitmoreachday · 26/06/2020 22:29

We have a dog. We had him a couple of years before I had a baby. We'd had a previous dog together and my parents had a dog when I was in my teens. But I just don't love my dog like I did before I had kids.

My dog is looked after, he's walked twice a day, groomed and wormed, flea stuff and is part of the family. He goes most places with us, but I just don't have that love I had before I had kids. It's hard to explain, is it just me .. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 27/06/2020 12:09

Still love my pets the same, I feel sad I don't have the same time for them that I did before my kids though.

Why? Because you prioritise your child's needs over your pets.

I love my animals, but if our dog bit my child, as painful as that may be, they would have to go. Can you say the same if your child bit your pet?

Of course your priorities change when you have children. It doesn't mean you don't love your pets, but I think anyone who puts the needs of their cockerpoodle above the needs of their child needs to give their head a wobble.

The point is to make sure you will have the time to care for your pet before you take them on. I can't imagine rehoming an animal because I didn't have time for it anymore, but if that's the case, surely it's better that pet goes to a home where it will get the attention it deserves.

greentreesdream · 27/06/2020 12:13

Are you suuuuure lady?

Are you really saying you can’t imagine your husband might leave you and you have to work FT and no time for dog and no money for dog walker?

Or how about if you sustain an injury?

How about if one of your kids sustains an injury or disability? Or your DH?

I’m not being a twat but all these ‘well I can’t IMAGINE’ are unhelpful. Some people get dogs on a whim and give them up. Others find life changes dramatically without warning and they have to make heartbreaking decisions.

Overtime2019 · 27/06/2020 12:15

Wow I love my pets just as much as my kids as to me they are my fur babies I sadly lost my cat 4 weeks ago and I have never felt so much pain losing him that I just couldn't do anything

LunchBoxPolice · 27/06/2020 12:16

People are crazy when it comes to dogs.
I was watching it’s me or the dog on YouTube last night and there was a woman with 5 chihuahuas. The one had bitten people over 100 times - including her children. A fine example of someone making the mistake of treating their dog like a “member of the family” and not the pet that it actually is. If I had a dog that bit a child I’d have it put down.

saraclara · 27/06/2020 12:18

@eugh

YANBU - you now feel unconditional love. And it's a completely different love altogether.

People who class their pet as their babies are weird.

Yes. I didn't love my pets less, as such. I just loved my babies more.

When our kids were babies, one of my mum friends, talking about her dog, said "we still love him as much, but now he's just a dog"

Before babies, one of the reasons my husband and I didn't move area, was because we'd have to change vets for our two cats. That sounded insane once we had kids.

Cassandrainthenight · 27/06/2020 12:19

@Igotthemheavyboobs,

Yes, I also found that very jarring and was sad for @puppymouse DD whose needs she says herself come second to the dog...

Rubyupbeat · 27/06/2020 12:25

One of the best excuses for dogs that are dumped in rescues or advertised for sale on social media, are that a new baby has come along and they dont have the time. How very sad that someones love is so unstable.

JonHammIsMyJamm · 27/06/2020 12:26

No, I’m daft about my pets.

LunchBoxPolice · 27/06/2020 12:27

One of the best excuses for dogs that are dumped in rescues or advertised for sale on social media, are that a new baby has come along and they dont have the time. How very sad that someones love is so unstable
I’d say it’s a good thing that they recognise they don’t have time for both and they prioritise their child, as they should.

Cassandrainthenight · 27/06/2020 12:29

Fur babies again, sorry but vom
I'd even say vom-vom, to match the ickinesss of fur babies 😁
So you would argue with the dog's/cat's mother that gave birth to them that actually it's you who is their real mother? Say if dog's/cat"s DM could speak to you and have a conversation about it? Would you have a heart to heart to the dog's mother as mother to mother or would you have a bitch fight about how your fur baby loves YOU more?😎 (Let's make this thread as surreal as it deserves! Grin)

puppymouse · 27/06/2020 12:32

@Cassandrainthenight please stop pearl clutching about my DD's needs "coming second to the dog". She's very much loved but there is nothing wrong with establishing with young kids that animals need gentle hands, their own space and attention and someone to stand up for them if they're unhappy about something because they can't talk. FFS.

Cherrysoup · 27/06/2020 12:34

You seen this advert? 7 years, the poor bloody dog.
www.pets4homes.co.uk/classifieds/2748483-male-jack-russell-for-sale-newcastle-under-lyme.html

saraclara · 27/06/2020 12:35

Nope. Had our dog two years before DD and he's the source of much annoyance to her because I won't allow her to so much as criticise a hair on his head and his needs come first because he can't advocate or speak up for himself like she can

How to completely fuck up your child and your relationship.

I have friends whose living room had always been dominated by big canvas photos of their dogs. Not a single photo of their offspring, nor has there ever been, even when they were little. They've always been obsessed with whatever dog/s they've owned.

Their kids are adults now, and very messed up. And the family relationships are complex. My friends worry and stress about it, but are oblivious to how it happened.

greentreesdream · 27/06/2020 12:35

It is really shitty when people decide they CBA with their dog any more.

However, do remember what I said - Life can change very suddenly and dramatically.

For full disclosure here, i rehomed my (much adored) 5 year old spaniel years ago, in 2011. When I got her, she was doted on and I did all the right things, she went to my parents during the day when I was at work and my then partner and I took her everywhere with us.

Then I was involved in a horrible incident where I fell when walking her and shattered my ankle and badly hurt my back. At first it made a marginal difference but as the months went by my relationship ended and my beloved parents died. I couldn’t manage her as I walked slowly and painfully. I tried so hard and brought in dog walkers but the expense was crippling. Her behaviour was deteriorating and it was an incident when I couldn’t get her back that made me realise this.

I contacted a reputable shelter and I was clear there was no need for her to go to a pen, she could stay with me as long as needed. They had a waiting list for smaller dogs Sad

If you knew what it was like to lose a relationship, parent, health and then a dog you wouldn’t judge. It was hideous. And I felt like such a shitbag. I had such awful regret for years afterwards that I couldn’t even look at the breed if I saw someone else with a spaniel.

With years gone by now I can honestly say I think I did the right thing, that sometimes part of having and loving a pet is recognising you are no longer the person who can meet their needs.

burblish · 27/06/2020 12:37

@Overtime2019

“Wow I love my pets just as much as my kids as to me they are my fur babies I sadly lost my cat 4 weeks ago and I have never felt so much pain losing him that I just couldn't do anything”

I’m sorry to hear you lost your beloved pet. But you have said you love your pets just as much as your kids. I cannot believe you are effectively suggesting that the death of your cat is equivalent to the death of your child - if you are, that is just insane and a sickening insult to anyone who has had to suffer losing their actual child, which has got to be the most agonising thing anybody could ever go through.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 27/06/2020 12:41

Priorities change.You still love your pets but that's all they are - pets.

Children are little humans, we are supposed to adore and protect them.

OliviaPopeRules · 27/06/2020 12:44

@puppymouse

Nope. Had our dog two years before DD and he's the source of much annoyance to her because I won't allow her to so much as criticise a hair on his head and his needs come first because he can't advocate or speak up for himself like she can.
In a thread is full of bonkers posts this one may beat them all! Maybe see if you can find a home for your child where a parent will love her more and give her preference over a dog.

Op you are not being in reasonable, you don't love anyone like you love your kids and many people don't realise that until they have kids. I suspect that is all you are expressing but people are acting like you have beaten and starved your dog.

OliviaPopeRules · 27/06/2020 12:46

@Overtime2019

Wow I love my pets just as much as my kids as to me they are my fur babies I sadly lost my cat 4 weeks ago and I have never felt so much pain losing him that I just couldn't do anything
I'm very sorry to hear you have lost your cat and are in pain but if you love your pets as much as your kids I feel very sorry for your kids.
MillicentMartha · 27/06/2020 12:50

It’s not just you. I still liked my cat but definitely not as much as my love for my children. Children came first, cat was pushed down the pecking order, still slightly above husband. I don’t care it it’s not the same in every household.

ComDummings · 27/06/2020 12:51

With years gone by now I can honestly say I think I did the right thing, that sometimes part of having and loving a pet is recognising you are no longer the person who can meet their needs.

I think that’s completely right greentree I agree sometimes it’s the right thing for the owner and the pet to rehome them. It’s sad, it’s crap but sometimes it is absolutely the correct and responsible thing to do.

Darbs76 · 27/06/2020 12:52

Kids came before my dog but I adore him, so do the kids

LEELULUMPKIN · 27/06/2020 12:55

I actually love my dog more. DS has SEN and very challenging behaviour.

Sometimes I think it is only the dog that stops me from walking out of the door and never looking back.

JuanNil · 27/06/2020 12:56

I really can't get my head around some of the reasoning here... so many people are saying 'I love my pets more because they show unconditional love, unlike human children'

So because your children have ups and downs and highs and lows, hormonal changes, strops, you can't love them as much as you love a dog? Somehow you feel that because your children may question how they feel about something, may protest or get upset, they're not entitled to your unconditional love?

A few years ago a friend asked me to care for her dog while she was away on holiday. My (extremely physically abusive now ex) boyfriend once kicked the dog clear across the kitchen because he was angry at me. The sound of the poor dog hitting the cupboards will never leave my mind. About half an hour later, he told me the dog had 'forgiven' him and they had an understanding. Because it was happy to sit on his lap again. He was telling me the dog was better than me because I couldn't forgive him in the same way or let things go as quickly. He was exactly the same with our cats, so I gave them to friends who still send me updates about them today, just so they could be away from the abuse. I can well imagine he would definitely resent a child who failed to forgive him for mistreating them, and I am grateful every single day of my life that I never had children with him.

LEELULUMPKIN · 27/06/2020 12:56

And by more I meant since I have had DS NOT more than DS!

Cassandrainthenight · 27/06/2020 13:00

@puppymouse

His needs come first - your words, not mine. FFS
And dogs can't talk in human words, but they (and cats) can very much let their needs be known, and can stand up for themselves very well too.

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