AIBU - to give up work ?

[Perplexedmum28]

Hello so bit of background, I’ve been working for around a year as a 1:1 TA in secondary school. I have four primary school aged children. I work everyday.

I have adenomyosis, fibroids and PCOS and a history of anxiety and depression.

I am on the list for a hysterectomy, total abdominal. I’ve been really struggling at work and finding the balance between working, four young children, being very poorly and dealing with chronic pain. I’ve been signed off from now until the end of term.

I’ve been told I’ll need 2 weeks self isolation before the op and recovery will be at least 6-8 weeks. So I’m looking at 10+ weeks off sick realistically, possibly longer.

My other half and I have discussed this at length and he’s been wanting me to give up work until I’m fully recovered and better in myself as my mental health has been seriously deteriorating due to struggling to cope and my pain levels. He wants me to take 6months to a year out of work and then look for another job. I agreed as I’ve been in tears daily over the pain and what to do.

I’m now second guessing myself, I enjoy my job and I feel comfortable there (as in now anxiety issues) but because of the time off I would need and the fact I’m already signed off for four weeks, I believe my other half is right and it would not be fair to my work or the student I work with for me to be off work for such a long period, more than once so it’s the right thing to do.

Please convince me? I think I’m sad about this even though it’s the right thing to do but my other half thinks I shouldn’t be sad and I should only be relieved. I’ll be handing my notice in Monday as they need a month, I just want to be sure. Please be gentle I’m all over the place at the moment.

Thankyou

I wouldn't leave your job. You have a medical condition that needs rectified and you're entitled to get it fixed. You will take off whatever the doctor advises and whether that means paid or unpaid leave surely it's better than no money and a job to come back to. If during your recovery you feel you can't cope then I would resign then.

Your career is important and if you enjoy it then I would cling to it. Why does your dh want you to quit? Could any of it be because his life's harder when you work and he doesn't want to do the share of house work and childcare?

That's tough OP. I'm sorry you have been so unwell.

Sick leave is there for a reason, and you are sick. I think you should not make any decisions just now.

Take the leave you are entitled to at the moment and then see how you feel.

Whilst short term absences can be hard for children everything is upside down just now. I'm sure someone so caring about their job would be a huge loss longer term.

Don't feel pressured into making a choice while you are feeling low that you may regret later. If you do feel the same in a few weeks, fair enough.

Good luck and I hope all goes well.

You shouldn't leave a job because someone else wants you to.

Don't make decisions based on feeling guilty about taking necessary sick leave for major surgery, either.

Guarantee no employer will ever agonise like that over you or feel guilty about dismissing you if they no longer want you.

Keep your job so you have something to go back to, and take the sick leave you need to receive treatment and recover. Things will feel different on the other side of surgery and when you are not managing severe pain on a daily basis.

It concerns me your partner is pushing hard for you to resign at this point when it is not necessary and you are very vulnerable.

Yes take a year out there will still be work for you.

Long sick leave looks worse than one year out. One year out wont erase your experience.

I agree it’s better to be off sick and have the option of a job afterwards

There maybe a Scheme to take 6 months to a year out unpaid - high school TAs are hard to come by!

I think I feel as a 1:1 that if I’m not there for 2/3 months that’s unfair on the student as I’m contracted to be there for him. And I’m already having four weeks off due to pain levels.

My other half is pretty good, he’ll do the school runs if he’s home earlier than me and helps around the house. He says he wants me to take up work when I’m better and because ive had four very hard pregnancies and now these conditions that I’ve took no time for myself and to recover fully before getting a career as he’s worried and I can understand, I do get myself in a state very frequently over the pain and how to cope with balancing everything.

I didn’t have a diagnosis before I started working, if I had known what I do now I probably wouldn’t have taken the job. I already feel so guilty being off sick.

Longer periods of sickness absence for things like surgery are also much easier to manage from an employer perspective than multiple short absences. These things happen though - we are all human.

I think resigning is the wrong thing to do. That's why you feel sad.

I think op os currently off for mrntal health not the physical issue? Op correct me if im wrong.

Taking time off for MH still carries stigma unfortunately.

Also they are more likely to recruit someone for this pupil if you resign than if its an open ended sick cover.

I’m currently off due to my pain levels. I have been stressed but my consultant signed me off due to the pain because my hysterectomy has been delayed because of the pandemic and they’re trying to bring it forward but I have no date as of yet.

Oh i see thanks for explaining. Good luck op.

Working whilst trying to cope with chronic pain must be stressful, but will being at home with four children be any less stressful in the long run? If you enjoy your job then it seems such a shame to give it up rather than take sick leave that you're entitled to.

He says he wants me to take up work when I’m better

That is what sick leave is for. That is how it works.

Two or three months in the grand scheme of things is nothing, and certainly not worth getting upset about. They can sort that because it's predictable and continuous.

Please stop feeling guilty. Or taking the entire weight of the world on your shoulders alone. It is not your job to be responsible for everything and everyone on your own!

He can't be that helpful if he's leaving you to get into a state because you're so overwhelmed by everything he's left to you to handle alone. Why isn't he stepping up if he cares so much?

It's his home and his family too anyway, not yours alone, so it's a case of him stepping up and supporting you properly instead of leaving you to drown but expecting you to be grateful for the scraps of "help" he throws you.

He should be carrying some of the weight on your shoulders. That is what normal people do for their loves ones when they are going through arduous times.

Sounds like you're having a truly rotten time, and having to wait for your operation must be awful. I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed, I think anyone would be in your circumstances.

Taking a step back, it sounds to me like your OH is worried and wants to find a way to help - do you think he believes you feel under pressure to continue working, and he wants to take the responsibility for deciding to quit away from you, so you don't have that burden of guilt for leaving? It just struck me this is the kind of "fix it" approach my OH would take.

Have you had a really frank conversation with your boss at work? If you said basically what you told us - that you are in terrible pain which is exhausting and, well, painful, and it is getting you down, you have 4 kids at home to look after and will need a considerable period of sick leave but, you like where you work and you don't want to let them down by leaving... maybe your boss would actually help you think it all through? And if not then they are a rubbish manager and you are probably better off quitting! Perhaps that conversation might leave the door open for you to return when you feel better, perhaps to a different role, even if you do decide to resign now.

Whatever you decide, you must not feel guilty or blame yourself in any way. You are not being weak, or defeatist. It is a perfectly reasonable response to feel ambivalent about leaving your job. Hope you find a decision you are happy with. x

if its an open ended sick cover.

It's not. It's for surgery. With an expected recovery window.

They will all be in school come September as my youngest will go from nursery to reception.

The lockdown has been very hard, but I’ve had my other half home too I’ve not been in my own and they’ve all gone back to school now, I did go back to work then I got signed off as couldn’t manage my pain.

I just can’t seem to settle on the idea of resigning, I don’t know if it’s just because I’m scared as this is the first employed job I’ve had or because I want to stay in the long run.

And I just want to say Thankyou for all your responses I was very nervous about posting.

I wouldn't resign, in your shoes. Take the sick leave instead.

I also don’t think you should jump straight to giving up work. If you’re worried about your student, could you have a chat with the school about your expected length of absence to see if they can arrange cover?

When you say your ‘other half’, is he your husband? If not married, giving up paid work seems a v bad plan, despite your difficult situation.

Perhaps I should have said, I've had time off for major surgery and needed time off before too because I was struggling to manage the pain. That is why I am a bit over invested.

It was my own employer who told me to get it in perspective that a few months out of all the years I would be able to contribute to them after surgery was not a big deal. They told me to stop worrying about them and worry about myself instead.

Being in pain and having a scary operation hanging over your head will be taking a toll on how you feel. You will feel differently after you have healed. Jacking in a job you care about is a permanent decision in response to a temporary situation.

I hope you get your surgery date soon so you can get to a point where you feel better.

We are engaged but not married. Been together 11 years.

I believe he has my best interests at heart but I do always have a niggle that he doesn’t like me working.

He says I rushed into finding a job as I was just volunteering and I pushed to get the job I have as I actually have different hours to what was advertised because I couldn’t do the last half an hour of the day due to having to do school run.

He says I should have waited and that now because I’m struggling so much it’s best to take 6 months to a year out then go back to volunteering one or two days and find another job.

This is all new to me as it’s the first employed job I’ve had.

I have the same as you along side lupus and endo .... I previously worked as a TA and gave up my job due to pain and the medication making me poorly.... it’s took me 10 years and many degrees later to get back to a job I love..

I seriously wouldn’t give up my job again, can you explain your situation to the HT and see what they suggest... if you don’t financially need to work then that’s different but if you do then I’d seriously consider options before packing in.

There’s been times I’ve not enjoyed my job and they’ve asked me to do things that aren’t in my contract, so working with other students etc. My contract specifically says 1:1 for a specified student but surely no-one enjoys their job 24/7?

I have friends there and a family member works there and I feel comfortable, I don’t like being out of my comfort zone due to my anxiety so I don’t know if fear of a new job and new people is part of why I don’t want to give up. Or if it’s just that I genuinely don’t want to. I feel very miserable and confused.