AIBU - to give up work ?

[Perplexedmum28]

Hello so bit of background, I’ve been working for around a year as a 1:1 TA in secondary school. I have four primary school aged children. I work everyday.

I have adenomyosis, fibroids and PCOS and a history of anxiety and depression.

I am on the list for a hysterectomy, total abdominal. I’ve been really struggling at work and finding the balance between working, four young children, being very poorly and dealing with chronic pain. I’ve been signed off from now until the end of term.

I’ve been told I’ll need 2 weeks self isolation before the op and recovery will be at least 6-8 weeks. So I’m looking at 10+ weeks off sick realistically, possibly longer.

My other half and I have discussed this at length and he’s been wanting me to give up work until I’m fully recovered and better in myself as my mental health has been seriously deteriorating due to struggling to cope and my pain levels. He wants me to take 6months to a year out of work and then look for another job. I agreed as I’ve been in tears daily over the pain and what to do.

I’m now second guessing myself, I enjoy my job and I feel comfortable there (as in now anxiety issues) but because of the time off I would need and the fact I’m already signed off for four weeks, I believe my other half is right and it would not be fair to my work or the student I work with for me to be off work for such a long period, more than once so it’s the right thing to do.

Please convince me? I think I’m sad about this even though it’s the right thing to do but my other half thinks I shouldn’t be sad and I should only be relieved. I’ll be handing my notice in Monday as they need a month, I just want to be sure. Please be gentle I’m all over the place at the moment.

Thankyou

Also financially I don’t need to work currently we can get by without my wages.

I wouldn't resign. I appreciate what you say about your student but his/her parents wouldn't consider you if they changed schools.

I also don’t have a job if he’s not there or doesn’t require a 1:1 anymore.

I keep telling myself there’s other jobs out there and my health is more important but I just can’t shake the sad feeling.

There is no way I would resign. I do the same job as you btw, but in primary. School will cover you, it'll be fine.

If you are employed, you are entitled to sick pay for a certain time period

Please do not resign from your job

It is YOUR job, nobody elses

Don't resign.

Use the sick leave. That's what it's there for. You deserve it as much as anyone else.

I'm not sure - I think if you resign you might feel relieved. It's another source of stress for you - even not working is just more headspace taken up. For a job you don't love. You could call it a six month sabbatical. You could look at extra training or other types of work.

You will feel sad because I think maybe you feel like you've given up? But you haven't you're just pacing yourself and regrouping. There might be another job/industry you could look at that you enjoy more and that fits around your health and family?

If I could afford to give up work I'd probably do something gardening related - even as simple as growing plants and selling them on eBay 😁.

It's important for you to be happy and fulfilled. It's important to have your own money and life. But whether you achieve that in your current role or another one is up for grabs.

@Perplexedmum28

We are engaged but not married. Been together 11 years.

I believe he has my best interests at heart but I do always have a niggle that he doesn’t like me working.

He says I rushed into finding a job as I was just volunteering and I pushed to get the job I have as I actually have different hours to what was advertised because I couldn’t do the last half an hour of the day due to having to do school run.

He says I should have waited and that now because I’m struggling so much it’s best to take 6 months to a year out then go back to volunteering one or two days and find another job.

This is all new to me as it’s the first employed job I’ve had.

Please don't resign. You may be OK financially now but, if this is your first job, you will have hardly paid any National Insurance or pension contributions. You have no financial cushion for the future. What would happen if you and your DP split up or he developed a serious illness and couldn't work?

I would be very suspicious about your DP's motives, given that he is trying to make you feel guilty about your job.

Keep your job OP. Take sick leave and then reassess. Good luck with the op

I also feel guilty for not working. Once the children are all back in full time school (hopefully September!) I feel like I shouldn’t be at home, or enjoying myself or doing anything for myself.
I should be working and out the house. Alongside being mum and doing the house work when I am home.

I don’t feel I deserve to have time for me or to fully recover and I should just push through and once I’ve had my operation to try and get back to work ASAP.

Maybe I’m just mad!

I have indirect experience of this, and also work in the education sector.
A friend of mine was in exactly the same position as you.
She was lucky in that the head told her very clearly not to come back to work until she was ready.
For her, that meant somewhere around four months off to recover mentally and physically.
My advice would be to carry in as you are and have the op when you can. See how you recover and take it from there.
As for the 'expected recovery time', I had multiple prolapses and had ten weeks and nine weeks off respectively for my operations because I had some complications. I didn't feel guilty because I knew that when I went back I needed to be able to give 100%.

Ah, we have X-posted and your last post is very revealing.
Do you have the time and energy to be constantly in pain, never mind a continuous codeine haze if that's what you are taking.
There's no way you are living your life the way you want it to be, from what you've said, so the op is necessary.
As to doing everything, I learnt something very valuable during my recovery - don't say 'I shouldn't', say 'I can't'.
You deserve to be pain-free and feel well.

No I’m exhausted and the codeine haze is very real!

I just don’t want to make the wrong decision, I think I need to man up 😅

I think if you’re supporting a named pupil, it’s unfair to leave them with potentially a lot of different temporary staff. Better to resign and find a new job when you’re ready.

@blue25 that’s how I feel. I don’t believe it’s fair on him for me to be off for such a long time when I’m specifically employed for him.

As you're not yet married you'd be utterly insane to quit work now - you have no financial protection at all if your partner leaves you. Also - this is what sick leave is for. It's not taking the piss to use it for genuine reasons.

On a tangent - why are you not married yet? If it's money, I think you'd be much better off getting legally wed (it cost us £130) and then having a "proper" wedding when you can afford it (we did this). As an unmarried couple you're not the other person's next of kin if there was an accident, and you wouldn't get each other's pension unless you're legally wed.

I do always have a niggle that he doesn’t like me working

Why?

I would keep the job and adopt a "wait and see" approach.

It sounds like a very difficult time for you at the moment OP. I can see why you are struggling with the decision but My feeling is you need to think carefully about it. The fact that you feel sad about the thought of giving up your job says a lot. It also sounds like you enjoy your work and are settled there.
Sick leave is there for a reason and you have a condition that, with appropriate treatment, likely has an end in sight.
Could you have a meeting with the HT of the school where you voice your concerns openly and see what they think? They may be very keen to keep you and willing to do lots to aid your recovery and return to work.
It’s difficult to make important decisions when you are feeling low so I’d advise you explore all options before resigning.

I wouldn't quit. Your pupil will be ok. You matter too and would be back and work indefinitely once sorted. The school would manage it sensitively.

It sounds very tough OP and it must be exhausting working with a background of pain and depression.

But I wouldn't give up your job. As others have said, the sick leave is there for a reason. Take as much as you can get signed off for, don't worry about feeling guilty -- you need to recover.

This worries me a bit:

"I believe he has my best interests at heart but I do always have a niggle that he doesn’t like me working."

If you think he doesn't like you working that's a good reason not to quit work in my view, and probably explains why your gut is telling you this isn't what you want to do. You say he has your best interests at heart but I would be very suspicious of the motives of a man who is discouraging you from being financially independent, especially if this is your first paid job for some time.

Granted, its not an easy situation and it must be very tempting at the moment but you need to think about your protection long term.

Could you talk to the school about staggering your return to work so you can ease into it?

Please don't resign. Take as much sick leave as you need. Take the sick pay! (Your employer can claim SSP back from the government.)

Have you considered whether you might be eligible for PIP? Some links:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/before-claiming/check-you-are-eligible/

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/personal-independence-payment-pip/pip-self-test

www.pip-assessment.support/#main-menu

If you think you are likely to be eligible, I advise you to start a claim by calling the PIP helpline, then when you get the form, it could be helpful to ask your local Citizens Advice (or equivalent) for help to complete it.

How long have you and your partner been engaged for? Is there anything holding you back (other than coronavirus lockdown!)? If your relationship is generally good then go ahead and marry him. It would be wise to be married before giving him work to be financially dependent on him.

Do you own or rent your home and is it in joint names or just one of you?

before giving up work

Don’t quit yet, take the sick leave you are entitled to and see how you feel once you’re out of pain and able to make a clearer, more informed decision. The school will cover your absence, do not feel guilty about this!! Don’t be tempted to rush back to work, I did, following an injury, and made it much worse, all because of my own stupid guilt about leaving the department short staffed.

I agree with those saying not to resign. I think there's a reason why you're second guessing yourself.

Why do you get the niggle that he may not like you working?

I'm going to be blunt. You would be mad to resign. Your partner is making you think this is a decision you need to make now - no, you don't!

My eldest DS had a 1:1 for a few years when he was younger, and he had a great relationship with her. I would have understood if she needed to be off for health reasons. I don't say this to be horrible but no-one is indispensable and children adapt even when they have SEN.

Please think hard about what everyone has said before you make an irreversible decision. You sound like you enjoy your job and there is no guarantee you will get another one. If your partner is opposed to you working, then there will be another reason in a year's time why you shouldn't look for work. I would bet on it.