AIBU - to give up work ?

[Perplexedmum28]

Hello so bit of background, I’ve been working for around a year as a 1:1 TA in secondary school. I have four primary school aged children. I work everyday.

I have adenomyosis, fibroids and PCOS and a history of anxiety and depression.

I am on the list for a hysterectomy, total abdominal. I’ve been really struggling at work and finding the balance between working, four young children, being very poorly and dealing with chronic pain. I’ve been signed off from now until the end of term.

I’ve been told I’ll need 2 weeks self isolation before the op and recovery will be at least 6-8 weeks. So I’m looking at 10+ weeks off sick realistically, possibly longer.

My other half and I have discussed this at length and he’s been wanting me to give up work until I’m fully recovered and better in myself as my mental health has been seriously deteriorating due to struggling to cope and my pain levels. He wants me to take 6months to a year out of work and then look for another job. I agreed as I’ve been in tears daily over the pain and what to do.

I’m now second guessing myself, I enjoy my job and I feel comfortable there (as in now anxiety issues) but because of the time off I would need and the fact I’m already signed off for four weeks, I believe my other half is right and it would not be fair to my work or the student I work with for me to be off work for such a long period, more than once so it’s the right thing to do.

Please convince me? I think I’m sad about this even though it’s the right thing to do but my other half thinks I shouldn’t be sad and I should only be relieved. I’ll be handing my notice in Monday as they need a month, I just want to be sure. Please be gentle I’m all over the place at the moment.

Thankyou

@blue25

I think if you’re supporting a named pupil, it’s unfair to leave them with potentially a lot of different temporary staff. Better to resign and find a new job when you’re ready.

Not true. If the OP doesn't resign, the worst that can happen is a few months of temporary staff. If she does resign, the student may well end up with a succession of temporary staff long-term. It's not easy to recruit committed permanent staff on what TAs get paid.

OP, you should not feel guilty either way - your student will be OK. But please don't be guilted into resigning if you don't want to.

Thankyou for all your responses.

We haven’t got married as we’ve been saving for a deposit to buy a house, we currently rent from my Nan. Tenancy is in my name. But unfortunately my Nan god love her won’t be around forever.

I feel he doesn’t like me working as whenever I’ve done something to better myself (courses or career options) or even simple things like going to the gym for a class with a friend he finds the negative in it.

If I’m honest, he doesn’t have any friends can be insecure I feel he worries I’ll leave or find something better if I have a life or things away from him.

But then he’ll tell me what he wants me to do things for me and I need to put myself first and be happy. It’s very confusing.

I think I need to speak to my boss and talk things through at what my options are, possibly.

Your DP is a problem. Do everything you possibly can to avoid becoming financially dependent on him. Your personal earning ability is important.

Perplexedmum28

"I feel he doesn’t like me working as whenever I’ve done something to better myself (courses or career options) or even simple things like going to the gym for a class with a friend he finds the negative in it."

This is quite worrying, OP. At best, its the sign of an insecure man who is threatened by his partner increasing her sense of self-esteem and financial independence. At worst, its a red flag for potential abuse.

I appreciate that with all the health problems you have its not as straightforward as for the rest of us but for this reason alone, I urge you not to resign. You may need this job, or one which you've used this experience to gain, for your own financial support in the future.

Also I would think hard about why your partner, who is supposed to love and cherish you and want the best for you, would want to close down your opportunities at self-improvement and having fun. That doesn't bode well.

Hold onto your own sources of income and self-esteem and don't let anyone who has a motive in reducing these sway your perspective on work. Don't quit your job.

A job is not just about the money

It's the social interaction with other people & in your case children too

It is also time away from your household

You never know who you will meet or what opportunity it may lead to in the future. I am thinking about charity fund raising days, sports events, volunteer days, first aid courses, other qualifications

Secondly, adults & children become ill or have accidents for all sorts of reasons

You are entitled to sick pay, why would you not take advantage of this money & keep your job ?

"I feel he doesn’t like me working as whenever I’ve done something to better myself (courses or career options) or even simple things like going to the gym for a class with a friend he finds the negative in it."

Please don't marry him.
Don't give up your job because he's telling you to.
Get counselling if you can, take care of your mental health, and it might help you think more clearly about whether this relationship is right for you or not.
It's great that the tenancy in your name; if all goes wrong you have the legal right to stay and can make him leave.

Does he do any of the things on this list?
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

We are engaged but not married. Been together 11 years.

Don't give up paid employment

I believe he has my best interests at heart but I do always have a niggle that he doesn’t like me working.

You're likely right.

Will this lovely rest at home involve doing all the domestic works and childcare? That's heavy, exhausting labour.

Are you in line to inherit from your grandmother?

If so, definitely, absolutely do not marry him. He's controlling and he would walk away at some point with half of your inheritance, your security.

Don’t resign unless a doctor is telling you that you are too sick to work long term. A few months off for surgery and recovery is nothing to worry about. Especially since the surgery will cure your chronic pain.

If you resign by choice, you’re unemployed with no reason for it on your CV. If you later get sicker, such that you become too disabled to work it will be even harder to prove that you are too disabled to work to get disability benefits because you stopped working by choice when you were still fit to work.

Please don’t give up your job , you said you like it . Also it may be difficult to get another one in the current climate.. who knows what will happen over the next year .

Take the sick time required to get better and then when you are feeling well go back to work and see how you get on.

This is not the time to be making big decisions when you are in pain and sensitive.

I wish you the very best of luck with your surgery and hope you have a speedy recovery.

My initial thoughts are true- your dp is the problem.
Please do not quit your job- school systems are set up to deal with absences
Protect your and your children's future and finances
And if you love him marry him.

Nobody is indispensible at work. So stop worrying about the students.

Best to stay in work, take sick leave and sick pay while you recover from surgery, and then when you're feeling much better, happier and well rested, is a better time to decide whether you want to go back to full time work or part time or none.

Arrange with the school to take the academic year off?

Having lived with chronic pain myself I think taking time off is not a bad idea if in the long run it will improve your quality of life.

Sometimes we can get so caught up in the rat race we forget what's important, your health and mental health is what should come first and I don't think some of the posters on here fully understand what being in constant pain is like coupled with the responsibility of four children AND a full time job.

If it was me I'd stay at the job for the sick leave and then if I was still not 100% then not return afterwards. If I had a good relationship with my manager I'd tell them this and keep them informed.

My husband has said the same thing to me before because it's hard for him to watch he person he loves be in pain when a bit of time out could help. You've said you don't need the money so look at it as a short term situation.

I hope the op goes well and you start feeling better soon anyway

Disco91

"Sometimes we can get so caught up in the rat race we forget what's important, your health and mental health is what should come first and I don't think some of the posters on here fully understand what being in constant pain is like coupled with the responsibility of four children AND a full time job."

That may be true but the most significant problem the OP has is that her DP is trying to stop her working without giving her the financial security of marriage. Plus he appears to be in a position whereby he could inherit a lot of her family assets.

Her health and mental health will not be improved if her controlling partner walks off with her money and prevents her from earning any of her own.

Don't give up the job, OP. Keep it by the skin of your teeth. Take the sick leave, talk to your managers. String it out as long as you can but don't resign.

I wouldn't choose to be an unmarried, unemployed mother of four young children.
Take the sick leave but do not give up your job.

@Perplexedmum28

I think I feel as a 1:1 that if I’m not there for 2/3 months that’s unfair on the student as I’m contracted to be there for him. And I’m already having four weeks off due to pain levels.

My other half is pretty good, he’ll do the school runs if he’s home earlier than me and helps around the house. He says he wants me to take up work when I’m better and because ive had four very hard pregnancies and now these conditions that I’ve took no time for myself and to recover fully before getting a career as he’s worried and I can understand, I do get myself in a state very frequently over the pain and how to cope with balancing everything.

I didn’t have a diagnosis before I started working, if I had known what I do now I probably wouldn’t have taken the job. I already feel so guilty being off sick.

Your DH sounds a little bit controlling to me. What do YOU want to do? Don't base your decision on what your DH tells you to do. If you still want to work, then do so. Don't feel guilty about being off sick, school will manage without you there for a while. Im a Senco and I would always try to have at least 2 different staff to cover a 1:1 role anyway so the student doesn't get over reliant on just one person. If you resign and take extended time off, you may well struggle to get another position because although they're not supposed to, potential employers will look at your time off for illness as a negative if they have lots of applicants to choose from. At the moment, you do not need to resign. You're signed off for a month then it's the summer holidays. Your u don't yet know when you'll have your op. You like your job, and you may well suffer more from depression if you haven't got a job to keep you occupied.

Whatever you decide, make it your decision, don't base it on what your ur DH tells you to do.

I don't think you need to resign to be honest and I think it would be a mistake. Its not that easy to get another job now.
I had 6 months off sick from my job for a serious health problem and when I got back I felt amazing. As long as your employer agrees you can have this time off with or without pay at least you have a job to go back to.
If you feel you don't want to go back after 6 months then you can rethink, but don't throw it all away just now.

Yep, do not give up your job. You are entitled to sick leave. Use it.

Side stepping slightly but your anxiety and mental health issues may be due to your anaemia, once this is rectified from your hysterectomy you may find your anxiety and mental health improves dramatically.

Haven't rtft but have you considered asking for a sabbatical? You could take 6 month to a year off, the school can find temporary cover and your 1:1 will know it's for a set amount of time.

If you wanted to find another job after your operation then surely there's no harm in asking if they can save this one for you?

Don't give up your job. And don't marry someone who discourages you in doing things you want to do.

Another vote here for keeping your job and taking sick leave.

As a former SENCo I would use the lead-up time to introduce one of your colleagues to your pupil, so that they get used to each other and recruit another TA on a temporary contract to cover the duties of your 1:1 replacement. I would rather this than losing you altogether!

You are comfortable in your job and are earning your own money. Heck - you even have your hours adapted to allow for your own school pick-up!

@Perplexedmum28
Hi. Given I've experience of schools and a gynae condition, my advice would be to continue to get signed off. Alert HR that you have a disability formally. This is true by the definition.
Youll get sick pay plus have a longer time on your cv.
If you can let your work know that you're likely to be on sick leave until the recovery period of the op, it's for them to arrange the cover.
Then you can decide whether you want to take time out. But personally I think that if you give this up you may really struggle to get another job with such limited experience.