Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest he goes on holiday with his ex and DC

102 replies

BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 14:31

My partner wants to go on holiday. I don't. They have three children together and I know they all love going to a particular holiday destination - it gets mentioned quite a bit. They get on well and the children would love it. Is it crazy to suggest? I wouldn't particularly like it but I'd get the house to myself which I'd love! They'd get to spend time as a family again and enjoy a holiday. And before anyone asks, no I wouldn't pester him everyday. I'd probably just ask for a "got here safe" message and an idea of when he will be back.

OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 24/06/2020 17:36

I think if your health anxiety is impacting on your life you may need additional support ( you may already have this). Do you fly or would you prefer not to ( I.e is the location an issue because of that? )

I think you can not predict how 2 people who used to love each other would react when spending a week together as a family. Yes you trust your partner I get that but why really push that unnecessarily?

AnnaBanana333 · 24/06/2020 17:38

I find it bizarre that either of you would think this is preferable to him taking his children alone.

Shortfeet · 24/06/2020 17:46

It’s a great idea and it’s a shame more people aren’t as open minded and accommodating as you all seem to be.

Michellebops · 24/06/2020 17:47

I think it's really nice of you to suggest.

My friends partner and his ex co parent really well and have had a weekend here or there with the kids for one of their activities. Both kids (10 & 5) understand their parents are better off separated but they still have family time together without it being weird or naive expectations.

My partners parents split 40 years ago and over the years they did events/big birthday holidays together and still do xmas meals etc now. Both are almost 80 and slowing down considerably but I think it's a good example to show kids that their parents may not be together but can be adult about their family dynamics

Ragwort · 24/06/2020 17:47

I can't understand why he can't be on holiday just with his kids, surely he enjoys spending time with them? My DH & I frequently holiday with our DC without each other going as well.

Why don't you just suggest he goes away with the DC and then see what he says.

Candyfloss99 · 24/06/2020 17:48

Of course it'll be confusing for the kids. He should take them on his own. How long is this holiday? Can he not be without adult company beside him for a week?

Anothernick · 24/06/2020 17:50

Men think about sex all the time. Especially on holiday. Unless your DP is a saint there is a good chance he will be tempted. Of course his ex may not be willing but can you be sure about that?

I would not put myself in such a situation, too risky.

bridgetreilly · 24/06/2020 17:50

Of course it'll be confusing for the kids.

The children are all over 10 and their parents have been separated for years. I really don't think it will be at all difficult to explain to them that mum and dad aren't getting back together, but that they are still friends and both of them wanted to enjoy this time with their kids.

LynetteScavo · 24/06/2020 17:51

It sounds like a really good idea. I don't think it sounds confusing for the DC. I know people (more than one family) who go on holiday with their ex and DC.

But, after a few drinks when the kids are in bed, who's to say there won't be baby number 4.

Socialdistancegintonic · 24/06/2020 18:01

‘Another adult to talk to... ‘ - I think this is crazy! It’s his Ex. Where are they going to sleep? The children will be confused and not relaxed, they aren’t stupid, they know their parents have split up. It will feel weird to them and perhaps upsetting.

DeRigueurMortis · 24/06/2020 18:05

Goodness me - the paranoia in some of these posts.

Frankly if you don't trust your partner with their Ex you can't trust them with anyone and if you can't trust him why be in a relationship?

If I felt I had to keep DH away from temptation (from anyone) then he's not a man I want to be married to. I'm not playing "cool girl" - he knows the score on fidelity (as do I in return).

Also re: the kids being confused. Well I do think age is a factor here tbh and there may be some circumstances where this might apply for older children.

However, the majority of children at the age the OP describes are perfectly capable of understanding that it's not an indication of rekindling a relationship, but rather a celebration of healthy co-parenthood.

FromMarch2020 · 24/06/2020 18:12

Oh course it's not confusing. If handled like adults.

Some of us are able to get along with ex's fine. I went on holiday with my ex husband and our children last year. Different apartments and children split between us. We all had a great time - no awkwardness and showed the children that adults can be grown up about things and get along.

I find it really sad when parents dragged children into their divorces.

Caveat - an abusive ex/toxic relationship no way but lots of people seem to create drama and antagonism when it would be better for the children to see negotiations and compromise.

FromMarch2020 · 24/06/2020 18:13

@DeRigueurMortis

Thank goodness another person who can see that co-parenting is the way forward. I was beginning to lose hope.

Leflic · 24/06/2020 18:13

My DH’s ex and DS lived abroad. I worked term time and he had to time the visit coincide with his DS term time.
So he’d be on holiday and staying with his ex and his son. Wasn’t an issue.
When I changed jobs I cam snd we rented a place and took DS to stay with us. Also fine.

Ragwort · 24/06/2020 18:14

Why can't he spend time with his DC without another adult? I think that's really odd. Is he the sort of person who can't stand his own company? That sounds very needy.
The fact that you are so desperate for some time on your own sounds like he doesn't give you any space or time to yourself, I couldn't accept being with someone like that. I've been married over 30 years but we have plenty of separate times, holidays alone, our own friends, hobbies, interests etc.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 24/06/2020 18:14

I'm sensing your username is somehow relevant to this thread?

Alsohuman · 24/06/2020 18:31

Where are they going to sleep?

In their own rooms perhaps? A room each shared with the child/children of the same sex. A lot of parents of older children do this anyway.

BeanieBart · 24/06/2020 18:35

I think it would have been like rubbing salt into her wound

This is how it would have felt for me as the child. I can't obviously say all children will be the same but my personal opinion is that it would have given me false hope and been upsetting to me and I'm glad my parents never did this.

Willowdaisyholly · 24/06/2020 19:12

@Anothernick

Men think about sex all the time. Especially on holiday. Unless your DP is a saint there is a good chance he will be tempted. Of course his ex may not be willing but can you be sure about that?

I would not put myself in such a situation, too risky.

WOW.
Bollss · 24/06/2020 19:18

[quote FromMarch2020]@DeRigueurMortis

Thank goodness another person who can see that co-parenting is the way forward. I was beginning to lose hope.[/quote]
It absolutely is. But co parenting in my book doesn't include "family holidays"

It is confusing. You can explain it all you want but nobody knows how it will make the child feel. You might think you know, but you don't, and it's not a risk I would take personally no matter how friendly I was with an ex.

There are plenty of other ways to show a healthy co parenting relationship to your kids.

Original poster
BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 19:19

User name was an issue related to work but decided not to post about.

Does no one else enjoy having the house to themselves for a few days? I love it.

He can spend time with the children by himself but when they are off playing games or in the pool or up doing karaoke or whatever being sat by yourself is a bit boring. I didn't think people would find that weird. He doesn't need a woman to do the "woman's role" he is quite capable.

OP posts:
MilaRos · 24/06/2020 19:25

How well does your DP and ex get on? I'd be worried. But if you think all is okay, it would be good for the children

Socialdistancegintonic · 24/06/2020 19:48

However, the majority of children at the age the OP describes are perfectly capable of understanding that it's not an indication of rekindling a relationship, but rather a celebration of healthy co-parenthood. no because boundaries exist in healthy relationships, and boundaries help children to learn how to have healthy relationships. Abusive, conflictual and troubled relations all have one thing in common - rail trucks have rode through the boundaries that exist.

Good parenting is nothing to do with being being able to hang out as mates with the Ex whenever and wherever, sharing intimacies and deep chats, it has everything to do with being a structured, fair and responsible parent.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 24/06/2020 21:13

What does ex's partner think of this? Would he be happy with this arrangement? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned... Hmm

Ragwort · 24/06/2020 21:14

Surely he can read a book, chat to other holiday makers, go for a walk, play on his phone (or even join his children to play in the pool or do karaoke or whatever it is they want to do). I just can't see why your DP needs his ex wife to amuse him Hmm when he is on holiday with his DC.

And as another poster says, whatever 'adult' perceptions we have about how the children will view this, none of really knows what it looks like for the DC concerned.

Swipe left for the next trending thread