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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest he goes on holiday with his ex and DC

102 replies

BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 14:31

My partner wants to go on holiday. I don't. They have three children together and I know they all love going to a particular holiday destination - it gets mentioned quite a bit. They get on well and the children would love it. Is it crazy to suggest? I wouldn't particularly like it but I'd get the house to myself which I'd love! They'd get to spend time as a family again and enjoy a holiday. And before anyone asks, no I wouldn't pester him everyday. I'd probably just ask for a "got here safe" message and an idea of when he will be back.

OP posts:
GU24Mum · 24/06/2020 15:27

Assuming they aren't sharing a room (ie your OH and his ex) and it's clear to the children that you think it's a good idea as you don't want to go on holiday but don't want them to miss out, I think it's fine.

OneForMeToo · 24/06/2020 15:27

I think it would be lovely for the kids. Sure he could go alone with the kids and so could she but it they are all wanting the same place then surely both enjoying that with their joint children makes sense op on the holiday or no op on the holiday.

Just as much chance of them falling back in love over welcoming a grandchild, university graduation etc than on a holiday running around after teens/preteens.

KaptenKrusty · 24/06/2020 15:32

sounds fine to me! My husbands son and ex live in a different Country - he regularly goes over there and stays in their house when he visits! Although doubt he'd want to go on a holiday with her tbh

MadMadMad · 24/06/2020 15:37

I think it's a great idea, they can take turns to do things with the children and also have some chill out time.
I'm sure the children would love it.

BeanieBart · 24/06/2020 15:39

No. I never agree with these sorts of suggestions. I think it's good for parents to get along after separation for their children's sake but I don't agree with playing happy families on things like holidays, Christmas etc... They aren't a family anymore and I'd imagine it would be confusing.

My mum and dad split up when I was 10+. I was desperate for them to get back together all through my teens although I'd never have admitted it. I remember my mum picking me up from a friend's house when I was about 13 and she was on the phone to my dad on speaker as I got into the car, laughing and joking. I remember being so so hopeful that it meant they were starting to get friendly again and maybe more. In my 13 year old mind, why else would they be having laughing and joking phone conversations when I wasn't even around?

If they'd have gone on holiday together it really would have gotten my hopes up at that age. It really would.

I know people like to say it's 'nice for the children' but from my personal experience it would have been incredibly confusing and probably upset me seeing what we could have had together as a family.

I had plenty of nice holidays with mum and dad separately. No need for all this confusing togetherness.

FruitTingleFrizzante · 24/06/2020 15:40

Sounds great like a great suggestion (esp if you have minimal concerns re the whole ex wife in close proximity & trust your dh) Plus house to yourself!! Win win!

KeepingPlain · 24/06/2020 15:41

I love how op is trying to do something nice for her step kids and people jump on going 'stop parenting them!'. Even if you're meaning the adults, that's just wrong. They might not think of it as appropriate.

If you're happy, the kids are happy and understand, and the parents are happy, go for it. No one else's business.

SeasonFinale · 24/06/2020 15:44

If his children are all older than 10 you do know he can talk to them!

I think it would be a great way for him to spend time and bond with the kids. If their Mum goes she will get lumbered with the "wifework" surrounding the kids. Let him do it.

BobbieDraper · 24/06/2020 15:45

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Speaking as someone who worked in children's mental health, this is not a confusing or bad idea for them.

The initial separation is long passed. The adjustment period to seeing their parents apart has passed. The initial confusion and upset is done with. It is actually very healthy for children to see that, even when people no longer have a romantic or loving relationship, they can remain friends and work as a team for the sake of family. It's good for the children to spend time with both parents together and make sure they still know that even though their parents arent a couple, they are still a family unit who can work together. It's important for children to know that they have a family they can go to, even when its split up.

TheOrigBrave · 24/06/2020 15:46

I think I would feel insecure knowing they still get along well enough to go on holiday together.

Why don't you want to go on holiday with them?

StressedMom4 · 24/06/2020 15:46

Nothing wrong with your idea, I personally don't find it weird and it'll be nice for the kids.

BeanieBart · 24/06/2020 15:46

Speaking as someone who worked in children's mental health, this is not a confusing or bad idea for them

Speaking as a child of divorced parents, I respectfully disagree.

BobbieDraper · 24/06/2020 15:48

@BeanieBart

But they are still a family. I would hazard a guess that your feelings stemmed from poor communication between yourself and your parents around the separation issues and the following new, friendly relationship between them.

Communication is key.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/06/2020 15:50

[quote Lavendersquare]@BallofResentment what would you do if this holiday with the ex and children went ahead and he realised he actually misses the ex and being a proper family?

Presumably they got on before and we're at one time attracted to each other, so what's to stop that happening again? Especially when they're on holiday having a glass of two enjoying each other's company.

I think it's a crazy idea. [/quote]
If op can't trust her partner to not sleep with his ex, she shouldn't be with him. And presumably parents will be bunking in with the kids to save money so hardly like putting the babies down, then getting drunk together and falling into bed in an empty room

Carlottacoffee · 24/06/2020 15:51

I’ve just separated from my husband and he has asked if I want to join him and the kids when he goes to ‘our family resort’

I get on fine with him but I don’t want to. You’ve not considered if she would actually want to spend that time with the him.

And then how will you feel if they come back and there are lots of pictures with them having the best time having drinks and sitting cosy and want to make it in to a yearly thing? Then next year when your ready to fly when you want to go away - he’s already booked up Grin

Original poster
BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 15:53

@GameSetMatch thanks for saying I sound lovely I'm really not but I'm gonna take that.

It is sort of selfish too. I'd love the house to myself and it would be a mini holiday for me. Can do what I like when I like and eat crap for dinner! They'd get their holidays just combined. I might just light-heartedly air the idea. They don't have to take me up on it.

He has been on holiday with his children without another adult and I know he misses the company and I understand that.

OP posts:
BeanieBart · 24/06/2020 15:55

I guess I don't agree that they are still a family, in the sense of the word that I viewed it as a child. I didn't live with them both anymore, I spent far less time with one of them (my mum as I lived with my dad), family events on either side were separate, mum didn't come to Dad's side Christmas celebration for example, Dad didn't go to mum's families anniversary parties or whatever.

And I do think the above is the norm for a lot of children of separated parents. Okay I know that some parents may live together still for a while, some parents have 50:50, some parents are still totally fine with getting together with their exes family etc etc... But I don't think it's the norm. Things do change, you aren't 'together' the same anymore. That was a lot to deal with to start with, to then have started going on holidays together and seeing and being reminded what we could have been like at home too would have been too much for me. It wouldn't have been nice for me like lots of people have suggested, it would have been upsetting.

My parents communicated fine, but they didn't pretend to be together anymore when they weren't. And I'm glad of it personally.

Sunshineandflipflops · 24/06/2020 15:56

My brother often goes away with his son and ex. Quite often his ex's fiancee goes too (they all knew each other before anyway). I've often thought it strange but actually they were more like best friends towards the end of their marriage than anything else and my nephew enjoys spending time with all his parents at once so who am I to judge.

Me and my ex get on pretty well after 2.5 years separated. It was awful to start with as he had an affair but now we both go to things for the kids together and he has been round for dinner with my bf here too. I think going on holiday would be a step too far but maybe that's mostly due to why we split than anything else.

diddl · 24/06/2020 15:57

"He has been on holiday with his children without another adult and I know he misses the company and I understand that."

But it's just a week or two & it's for his kids!

If you don't want to go then fair enough, but if he can't cope without another adult, isn't that for him to find a solution to?

BeanieBart · 24/06/2020 15:57

Especially when they started to get new partners too. I think it really would have been detrimental to me forming any sort of relationship with their new partners. If I had to spend time with mum and dad together on holiday, being a family, like we used to and then going home, them to their other partners.

No I really don't agree that it's 'nice for the kids'.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 24/06/2020 15:58

What could go wrong? Hmm Light blue touch paper and retire...

LellyMcKelly · 24/06/2020 15:59

I would be packing their bags and waving them off, then cracking open the Prosecco the minute the car turned the corner. I think it would be my DP’s idea of hell though! He’s not a fan of his ex wife. That said, I don’t think he’d have a problem with me going away with my ex if he couldn’t get the time off or whatever to come to. I used to do it before I met my DP. I slept with my DD and he slept with DS. The kids enjoyed themselves, we got along fine, and they were fully aware we weren’t getting back together.

Original poster
BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 16:02

To answer a few questions. I'm a bit of a health worrier. I don't want to spend the holiday seeing covid everywhere. Pathetic - maybe, but true. Holidays will still be available in the future (I hope). I have been on holiday with them before. All good. It's not them. It's me.

If they get back together well then lesson learnt. Buy I think it is very unlikely.

I'm not telling them they must go. I wouldn't say to DP's ex "I've decided you are all going on holiday together". I'd speak to him. If he thinks it's appropriate he could speak to her. He may think I'm bonkers. I don't know. I just don't want to go on holiday atm with the pandemic. He does.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 24/06/2020 16:04

I don't really see the issue if everyone is happy with the arrangement.

DH and his Ex went away for a long weekend with DSD to a place she'd really wanted to go to for a "big" birthday.

Rather than both parents taking her twice (with one having the shine taken off because they took her second) or one missing out it worked really well and it was nice for DSD to share the occasion with both her parents.

Ex and DSD shared a room and DH had his own. It was lovely to see the photos he sent each day and what a nice time DSD was having.

DH and Ex get on well as co-parents, separated for over 15 years and both happily re-married.

Myself and Ex's DH stayed at home and (separately) did some nice days out with our other kids.

Worked well for everyone.

Hohohole · 24/06/2020 16:05

Depends on their relationship but, It's important for children to see parents as a team and if all parties are comfortable with then I see it is a very healthy idea.