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AIBU?

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Original poster

To suggest he goes on holiday with his ex and DC

102 replies

BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 14:31

My partner wants to go on holiday. I don't. They have three children together and I know they all love going to a particular holiday destination - it gets mentioned quite a bit. They get on well and the children would love it. Is it crazy to suggest? I wouldn't particularly like it but I'd get the house to myself which I'd love! They'd get to spend time as a family again and enjoy a holiday. And before anyone asks, no I wouldn't pester him everyday. I'd probably just ask for a "got here safe" message and an idea of when he will be back.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 24/06/2020 16:05

I did it a couple of times when I had broken up with my DH- we took the children away together even though we had new partners. Didn't share a room, had a laugh and the kids loved it. No desire to get back together afterwards but then I knew that (I was totally head over heels in love with new partner) as there were no residual feelings at all. It was like going away with a mate. No issues from respective new partners either - on other occasions my new partner came too - it was fine.

Itwasnoaccident9786756453 · 24/06/2020 16:08

I don't think it's remotely confusing and more families should be capable of acting like a family post divorce. There is no need to pretend your head will fall off if you continue to play a meaningful role in your ex's life when there are children it means the world to. I'd absolutely suggest it provided they really are friends and only friends.

DeerHeart · 24/06/2020 16:15

I say Don’t worry about what anyone here thinks, go with what is most comfortable for you and your situation. All relationships and families are different and if this works for you all, then that’s absolutely fine. Just make sure you are 100% before you go ahead and suggest.

unlikelytobe · 24/06/2020 16:16

If you trust them and it's to your benefit too why not? Discuss it with your DH first as a possibility but is this a one off or will it become the expectation in future years?

MzHz · 24/06/2020 16:19

I think it's up to the DP who he goes with, and if you don't want to go, aren't ready to go, either as a semi-family holiday or because of the health anxiety you have, that's perfectly understandable

I'd say something like, "I'm not ready to go away just yet, but I know you want to go away with the kids so please don't put that off, maybe next year?". Offer a lift to the airport etc etc.

DangerCake · 24/06/2020 16:25

Why not?

I've been on holiday with DH and his kids, been on holiday with DH his kids and his ex and he's been away for long weekends with his ex and the kids (graduation I couldn't get to, family wedding on her side where I wouldn't have known anyone).

If it works for you that's all that matters.

I am glad I've been on holiday with him and the kids as we have some memories for that that are just for us all. We met up with my family once and had a blast.

But my DH has a whole history there with his ex and her family - 17 years of it - they spent a lot of time with her family. I've met them all, like them and they've stayed in our house when her house has been full.

You get to have some time to yourself, they all spend different time than they would if it was you and him with the kids - not better just different.

merrytombombadil · 24/06/2020 16:26

I think it depends on whether you really are fine with it. If you are in anyway uncomfortable then it's the wrong thing to do, but if you are genuinely fine with it, then it's a great idea.

PrincessBuggerPants · 24/06/2020 16:49

I don't see a problem. Why shouldn't the children of divorced parents be able to enjoy a holiday with both parents at once if everybody involved is genuinely happy about it.

D4rwin · 24/06/2020 16:53

I once tried a holiday with my ex. It was a mistake because I felt I would like that for my children but somehow glossed over how my ex was with me. I wouldn't repeat it. But if they genuinely get on I am sure the kids would enjoy it and give the adults time out as well.

Thelittleweasel · 24/06/2020 16:56

@BallofResentment

Double bed I assume?

PenelopePitstop49 · 24/06/2020 16:58

I think it's a great idea.

And it's very refreshing to read on here OP - I salute you Flowers

Jealousy isn't an attractive quality in anyone.

Original poster
BallofResentment · 24/06/2020 17:01

I genuinely laughed at a double bed. May I raise king size? It was just an idea I had today. I really don't mind personally but it is something for them.

OP posts:
CalendulaAndRoses · 24/06/2020 17:02

as a single mum of two teenagers I agree with @BeanieBart above. Me and my exH were actually planning such a holiday this year but I baulked at the last minute. Intuitively it felt wrong. I know one of my daughters (15yo) would not be able to help but hope it meant we would get back together and I felt that would be unfair. Interestingly I must have known unconsciously it wasn't our finest idea because I kept putting off telling the kids about the plan, and putting it off, and putting it off until I was on hols with them and their dad was due to arrive next day (unknown to them) and I called him and told him not to come. I ended up bailing out the £1k he had spent on tickets etc but it felt worth it not to confuse my daughter. I'm still glad I cancelled it. It's taken a lot of hard work to get her to a place where she accepts we aren't together and I think it would have been like rubbing salt into her wound.

TheTeenageYears · 24/06/2020 17:03

Is there no one from DP's side of the family that would like to go on holiday? The benefit would be another adult or adults for DP to spend time with but also wider family spending time with the children?

Do you think you would have suggested DP holidaying with ex in 'normal' times or is it a way of getting around the fact you don't feel comfortable going on holiday at the moment and don't want your feelings on that to cause an issue in the relationship? Family holidays come up in conversation for years to come so you will be living with this decision long after the actual holiday.

My DP's divorced and this would never have been an option for us which might be why I struggle to understand how other other's could do it.

Cornberry · 24/06/2020 17:07

I was brought up by a single mother but we often did family holidays together with my dad. Neither of them were remarried but it worked well because there was never any question of them reuniting but for family holidays and birthdays etc we did things together. If you feel ok with it I think it's fine. It's up to you to gauge the relationship between your partner and his ex...

Lynda07 · 24/06/2020 17:08

Sounds like a good idea, Ballo. I had a friend who went on holiday (just one week), with ex and children every year until they got to the age of not going on hols with parents. Even though one parent had someone else. It worked well.

Devlesko · 24/06/2020 17:11

Surely their mum could take the kids on holiday if they wanted to go, or your dh could just take the kids if he wants a holiday, why involve the ex.
Could he not manage without a woman?

BeautifulCrazy · 24/06/2020 17:24

If everyone involved is happy with it, including the kids then that’s all that matters. Why would the opinions of random people on the internet matter? Confused

Lynda07 · 24/06/2020 17:26

Devlesko, it's nice to have another adult when you're away with children as long as they are on cordial terms; the kids appreciate having their mum and dad together, friendly, even though they don't live together. They probably do take the children on their own at times too.

Rainycloudyday · 24/06/2020 17:27

Massively inappropriate and unfair on the children who deserve to be shown clear and consistent boundaries. This will mess with their heads however much you think it won’t.

bridgetreilly · 24/06/2020 17:30

If you're happy and the ex is happy, then I think this seems like a really good arrangement.

Alsohuman · 24/06/2020 17:30

[quote BallofResentment]@Lavendersquare I'd learn not to do it with the next one! Seriously though, I don't know. I don't think they like each other like that any more. I have an ex (no kids) and I'd happily go on holiday with him because we were friends as well. I think after a time exes can become friends again without misty eyes getting involved?! Maybe that is crazy I don't know.[/quote]
It’s not crazy at all. It sounds like a good solution.

hotstepper4 · 24/06/2020 17:30

It's an absolute no way from me!

Flyinggeese · 24/06/2020 17:31

I'd say it could be OK but the message I'm getting (wrongly?) is that the spark has gone and no passion between you if you're so happy for this. I'd be thinking my relationship was going 'frend zone' / platonic if my partner was happy for me to go on hol with my ex.

PicaK · 24/06/2020 17:34

I think the parents should decide - but it's a wonderful choice to offer them. Really nice thing to do.