AIBU to think how men have got away with this for far to long

[Alex50]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-53064741

Why don’t they pay for their children and think it’s ok?

I’ve not read the whole thread but I can’t even get half a dozen replies in before there’s a “Not All Men” response.

No. Not ALL. But a lot. And still it’s the ‘single mothers’ who are looked down on, even though they are the parent that stayed and took responsibility for their kids, whilst the absent, minimal paying (if at all) dads aren’t sneered at and made to feel like worms.

Ugh.

I think it’s awful that women ( and lets be honest it mainly is) are left in this position far to often. It has such an effect on the child not having what it needs and also damages the prospects for the women who are left without and can be difficult to go out and work and earn a better living. It makes me really angry that people who have joint responsibility for creating a life are able to walk away and leave the other partner to struggle through on their own.

And still it’s the ‘single mothers’ who are looked down on, even though they are the parent that stayed and took responsibility for their kids, whilst the absent, minimal paying (if at all) dads aren’t sneered at and made to feel like worms.

This a crystal clear demonstration of the essential misogyny of society.

Considering the current Prime Ministers is one of those fathers, it shouldn’t really surprise anyone.

I've contacted Gingerbread today in the back of the article to see how we can keep the pressure on politically to press for change to the system and society to view these (mainly) men as pariahs akin to drunk drivers and similar. Maybe if a template letter to MP's could be drafted as mention up thread? I'll see what their response is and post in here if it's useful.
I've also spoke to the CMS today and they are planning to restart pursuing non payment from 4 July (hmm a Saturday) so I'll be ringing them on the 6th for certain.

I haven't RTFT but I can't help but feel a real misogyny in the lackadaisical approach of the CMS - ladies, your fault for your marriages not working when it's a women's job to keep it together.

I wonder if the CMS think it's too difficult to get 'blood from a stone' with some of these men but HMRC does a fine job of it and doesn't care if you're skint. In fact I had the City Council taking money direct from my salary.

The govt just don't care about women enough.

It's a patriarchal system therefore skewed in their best interests.

My ex didn't have to pay for his DD because he lived with a woman and her 3 kids: none of them were his yet they were classified as his dependants, yet his own DD could go without?

How is that a fair system? Takes the piss.

Because some of them, SOME, are selfish g*ts who don’t want to pay maintenance to their ex for bring their kids up... 😠

@FelicisNox

It's a patriarchal system therefore skewed in their best interests.

My ex didn't have to pay for his DD because he lived with a woman and her 3 kids: none of them were his yet they were classified as his dependants, yet his own DD could go without?

How is that a fair system? Takes the piss.

I’ve never heard of that before. So your ex didn’t pay as he was living with another woman? So you couldn’t claim anything through CMS?

‘ Given up now‘ , I’m afraid you should never expected any support from this group here’s Unfortunately lots of mothers think they are more important to their children than fathers are. A lot ( not all) think they have their best interests at heart by denying access to their dads, In fact what has really happened is a lot of subtle parental alienation.

I totally agree resident parents should pay the correct amount, however the courts need to recognise the children’s need to have a relationship with both parents, to be brought up by both parents. Even if golden uterus thinks she is the only one that can possibly bring those children up.

The system is skewed in the mothers favour and the dads are bloody sick of fighting to see their children.

@Jellyrunner

‘ Given up now‘ , I’m afraid you should never expected any support from this group here’s Unfortunately lots of mothers think they are more important to their children than fathers are. A lot ( not all) think they have their best interests at heart by denying access to their dads, In fact what has really happened is a lot of subtle parental alienation.

I totally agree resident parents should pay the correct amount, however the courts need to recognise the children’s need to have a relationship with both parents, to be brought up by both parents. Even if golden uterus thinks she is the only one that can possibly bring those children up.

The system is skewed in the mothers favour and the dads are bloody sick of fighting to see their children.

I know more women fighting to get CM from men who refuse to pay than I do men who are fighting to see DC because the ex "won't let them"

@FelicisNox are you sure he doesn't have to pay at all) My ex was allowed to reduce my CM (he phoned me up and laughed when he found out he could do that) when he moved in with his now wife and her DC, but not stop paying altogether.

Unfortunately lots of mothers think they are more important to their children than fathers are.

Given that mothers are significantly less likely to abdicate their financial responsibility to their children, I’d suggest that’s perfectly true.

We need to sort this out as a whole society; men who don't pay for their children should be shunned, other men should lose all respect for them. As a society we treat them as if it's a good thing, a clever thing to get away with not paying the ex anything. It's awful.

Really, it's the decent men who should be taking action on this; no one pays attention to women who 'moan' about it. We're greedy, psycho bitches, aren't we?

My ex hasn't paid a penny in four years. We have 3 DC. Thing is he is/was incredibly violent throughout our relationship so I would never be brave enough to try knowing that it's a complete shit show plus he once told me ' get your new boyfriend to pay for them' (all these boyfriends only existed in his mind ). Now if the government took the decision out of my hands, now that's a different story.
if one parent is absent, take a percentage of wage/benefit at source.
If some men knew that they would actually be held financially responsible, at the least, for any babies made it could bring the population down.

It’s funny how China manage to keep on top of population growth with heavy taxation. Clearly financial penalties are a good disincentive?

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

It only reduces by £7 p/w for the first additional child, not entirely.

The former .... the opposite is true for me. I know more men with very sad stories of not being able to see their children, and remember in the other side that is the child not being brought up by their father.

Lauriemarlow, you have just proved my point to me. It is never the case that the mother or the father is more important. They are both important. I’m not talking just about finance I am talking about emotional well-being and growing into a balanced adult.

[quote HogDogKetchup]@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

It only reduces by £7 p/w for the first additional child, not entirely.[/quote]
I know it doesn't reduce entirely. I was asking another poster why hers did. Although I thought it reduced by a % not a set amount. Maybe that's changed.

Of course responsible caring fathers are hugely important for children’s emotional well being.

The kind who refuse to pay? Not so much. Imagine how hurtful it would be to grow up knowing that your father CBA with your most basic needs? That’s devastating for any child.

Are they really not allowed to see their DC
@Jellyrunner? I know men who claim they aren't allowed when what they mean is "my ex won't make the children available at the drop of a hat". My ex told everyone who would listen once that I wouldn't let him see his DC. What had actually happened was we were going on holiday so they were unavailable for 1 weekend

If the father has a working qualified skill then there is no excuse not to pay for their kids

@CodenameLevonelle I’ve written to my MP today to ask that he fully supports the gingerbread action.

I’d love to see/do some naming and shaming: post a screen grab of the child maintenance arrears page online and name and shame the father.

I get nothing from my kids father. My son doesnt want to see him any more. He was let down so many times and his dad refused to apologise to him, and try and make things better. He wouldn't accept that not showing up for 4 visits in 5 weeks without ringing to say he cant make it, while we sit waiting for him is not acceptable. My daughter also has no contact with him, but is older and makes her own choices. Alot of things happened when the kids did have contact, they chose to stop seeing him and he stopped paying. In 12 years, I recieved £950 for 2 children, I put 1 through Uni. He earns alot more than me. The Csa said they wont persue him, and if I'm honest I prefer it if he doesnt pay. We dont need to speak, and my kids are happy and provided for. If my kids decide they want to see him again, it will be supervised. It's best all round! I could really use the money, but not at the expense of my sons happiness! My ex has told people awful things about me, but eventually the truth will come out. All I can do is try my best for my kids and manage with what we have!

Why are so many having a go at @Givenupno? Give the guy a break , he can't do right for doing wrong with you guys.

Yes, I do mean the a lot of dads are stopped from seeing their children by the mum. I think it happens more than people realise that the resident parents stops the children seeing the other parent. It is not healthy for the child. My point is that is yes the non resident parent should be made to pay, by whatever means necessary, however resident parents should also be made to comply with court orders, without ridiculously long 8 month court situations to sort it out.