Is this man a tight B**tard?

[COPPER3]

So, last year, I went away with a boyfriend for a 5 day break in Cornwall. We drove in my car, 5 hour journey, we stayed in a lovely two bed chalet bungalow with use of an indoor pool. I arranged this holiday and paid for it with a time share scheme, so it would have worked out at around £500+ . Bf did ask about a month before we went if I would like some money and I replied that we could sort it out when I saw him. (it is a long-distant relationship). Fast forward to the holiday... He offered me £50 on the first day and paid for the shopping which came to about £40. I assumed that he would offer more as the holiday went on. Day 3...he thanked me for taking him on hol and asked if I wanted anymore money towards it? When I said " um yes please", he went balistic and said that he had already paid f**kin £100 and it was my fault as I should have told him ages ago how much I wanted. I was thinking only of asking for £200 from him. For context, he is in a very well paid job and earns double the amount that I do. He also offered me £20 for petrol money. He has a habit of twisting things back on me and making me feel guilty. I have hardly seen him in the past 6 months. I felt so upset over that holiday. I let it go and he never offered anymore money. To this day, I still don't know if I was BU? Or was he being a tightarse? I would value your opinion..thank you...

I completely agree he shouldn't kick off as you describe - but why weren't you clear about costs up front? How was he to know what you paid or what you expected? He probably felt you were "drip feeding" costs.

Even now if DP and I (togeth 25+ years) have an arrangement whereby if I want to take us all away for a long weekend I'll pay, he may pay some expenses whilst we're away but essentially my treat. But if we decided to do something together we talk about the cost and split it upfront.

If im going on holiday or sharing costs with someone i like to know exactly what im paying...going on holiday with the op would have stressed me out...i'd have needed to know upfront the cost so i can decide if i can afford it...i think op is unreasonable in this case.

Hi I dont think mean people change. So it would be a repeat again. ..

The time to make your expectations clear was when he asked you a month before if you wanted a financial contribution. When we communicate, we often say things on one level and something different underneath - your response of 'sorting it out when we see each other' could have come across as 'don't worry about it'. You could have been communicating that a small contribution was fine. I don't think he's as stingy as others here seem to think but you definitely sound uncomfortable in the relationship, wrong-footed and unsure of yourself so probably better to call it a day.

This is hard because you could have been a lot clearer, but he was rude and tight.

I don’t think he was particularly tight as you hadn’t made your expectations clear. The flying off the handle is more of a worry. Maybe he was embarrassed? If that is typical for him then I’d certainly not have him back. If it was a one off then on the basis we all have our moments I would not rule out getting back with him. The big question is “have you missed him?” If not then there is your answer.

I have known this man for 10+ years. We have been away on numerous occasions. I have always paid my way/my half. He is extremely well off with no overheads, whereby, I am not, but as I said, always paid my share of the outing or trip. If he has arranged anything, his wording is "we will sort it out when we meet" and when we have met, I have given him a couple of hundred quid or more...Or paid for meals and petrol and booze and he has paid the accommodation. So on this Cornish hol...he wanted to go, I arranged it, I trusted him to want to contribute towards it and not be offered £50 fuckin quid and assume that it was enough! I also paid for shopping, meals and drink on that trip. Over the years that I have known him, there have been other red flags for me, but this one rankled me and I built up resentment towards him. I guess I posted this because I have not quite put it to bed, but at the same time, I would hate to think that I was the horrible one here and BU. A lot of you think I have been U.. Do I try again with this man...? Is it me? Gut saying NO...! Thank you all for your time in reading this and giving me your opinions. It is my first time ever posting! x

He’s tight. The way he worded it should have been a ref flag. In any situation where someone is paying for something I always say: “ let me know how much I owe you?” And then they set the price and I pay. The would you like some money towards it is offering a token amount and have no real intention of properly paying.

Also his attitude stinks, stop waisting time on this man who you hardly see and is a twat.

"Bf did ask about a month before we went if I would like some money and I replied that we could sort it out when I saw him"

OP : you should have said "Yes" at this point, and told him how much.

But "going ballistic" and swearing at you is not good. Reevaluate.

@COPPER3
Your update paints it in a different light. If that's genuinely how you've managed holidays in past it would seem he was being unreasonable.
I'd be wondering why he kicked off on this occasion when you were just doing what you've always did though.

So basically, he thought that him paying 'nearly £100' was plenty for a 5 day holiday? Because you hadn't told him upfront what the costs would be?
I let it go and he never offered anymore money. - Job done I think. You didn't ask for any more; he got a lovely holiday on your money.

Don't do this any more, OP. Don't go on holiday without specifying how much he owes for it, or better still -

DUMP.

YANBU he sounds really tight, unpleasant, manipulative and a total head fuck.

You're doubting yourself but please don't. It's not you, it's him. Don't waste your precious time getting back with him. He won't change.

He sounds like a tight, angry little man.

Dont give him another go.

Agree a trip like this should have a pre agreed budget so everyone is clear. But I get that you were just behaving the way you had in the past.

Listen to your gut.

I also paid for shopping, meals and drink on that trip.

Why?! You need to practice having boundaries and sticking to them.

If you're still seeing him then you're silly because as a PP said, you really shouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes "ballistic" about finances.

Clearly he’s tight but it’s not clear, you say you paid for it with time share and it “would” have cost 500

Did it actually cost anything? Or did you basically have the entitlement to use it as part of the time share.

If that was the case asking him to give you money for it would have been a bit out of line.

Honestly I think you were BU. Been in his shoes and although I didn't go ballistic it put a bitter taste and had a stern talking to the person about why doing something like that is wrong. In my case though I had paid more out than the other at that point and they wanted more.

He is a nasty piece of work who happily takes hundreds of pounds from you (did he tell you the price, or is that what you offered and he took it straight off?). I would start to consider how much he has ripped you off for past holidays. He has no sense of partnership or team. His entitlement to your money means that nothing should cost him. His wealth is irrelevant because it's staying locked in his vault but your money is for spending on him. He is the type to become financially abusive. He must think he is so wonderful that it is your duty to pay for his company.

He probably hasn't been successful in trying to get money out of other women, so he's now come back to you because you don't challenge or question him. Instead, you question yourself. He is an utter, utter arse. Save your money and have a fabulous life.

I think he was under the impression that it was a free holiday and you would share the costs of food. Has he ever taken you on holiday and paid for it. If yes fair enough. If not then yes he does seem mean. Who pays when you go out?

Omg op no. Of course you don't give him another chance. You've even said there have been other red flags. Listen to that voice in your head telling you things aren't right. Move on and don't let him back in.

You should definitely have been much more up-front with him about how much the holiday cost and how much you expected him to contribute.

However, that does not justify his behaviour in any way. He was completely out of order and I would be having a serious talk with him about his attitudes to money before getting any more involved with him.

even without the further context, when you say 'he went ballistic and said that he had already paid f**kin £100' is entirely unreasonable unless he was destitute and embarrassed which he wasn't.

I don't agree with everyone saying you should have been upfront given your follow up post about how other holidays have been arranged.

Don't try again with him, based on the entirety of your posts. It won't get better. Find someone you deserve. Good luck.

As you have continued to dodge and ignore the question about how much the time share holiday actually cost, I think we can assume it didn't actually cost you £500. This is cheeky and confusing of you, potentially even manipulative? So to then intend to charge him even £200 accommodation, is unreasonable, particularly as you didn't quote him that prior to the holiday.

I stand by his aggression being a red flag though, and totally unattractive, whether you'd been uncommunicative or not. Plus having begrudgingly paid out nothing more than £90 (and some of that was extra for food anyway) plus £20 fuel whilst using your car, he is tight and a penny pincher which is again unattractive. Not sure why you'd give him a second chance as it doesn't sound like you are hugely drawn to him regardless. He sounds like an arse.

YANBU and I wouldn't be getting back together with him. His basic attitude to money is the very opposite of generous and that's all you need to know really. It's not just the cost of the holiday itself, he expected you to pay more than your share of food, drink and petrol on top of paying for the holiday.

I would guess this is the tip of his selfishness iceberg and the other red flags you've seen are evidence of more of this type of attitude. I split with a man like this after 4/5 months and am so glad I did!

Listen to your gut!
This guy is not for you.
He was dumped - keep him dumped!
The more you write the worse it gets.
Re-read your posts!
Find someone better - please!