Is this man a tight B**tard?

[COPPER3]

So, last year, I went away with a boyfriend for a 5 day break in Cornwall. We drove in my car, 5 hour journey, we stayed in a lovely two bed chalet bungalow with use of an indoor pool. I arranged this holiday and paid for it with a time share scheme, so it would have worked out at around £500+ . Bf did ask about a month before we went if I would like some money and I replied that we could sort it out when I saw him. (it is a long-distant relationship). Fast forward to the holiday... He offered me £50 on the first day and paid for the shopping which came to about £40. I assumed that he would offer more as the holiday went on. Day 3...he thanked me for taking him on hol and asked if I wanted anymore money towards it? When I said " um yes please", he went balistic and said that he had already paid f**kin £100 and it was my fault as I should have told him ages ago how much I wanted. I was thinking only of asking for £200 from him. For context, he is in a very well paid job and earns double the amount that I do. He also offered me £20 for petrol money. He has a habit of twisting things back on me and making me feel guilty. I have hardly seen him in the past 6 months. I felt so upset over that holiday. I let it go and he never offered anymore money. To this day, I still don't know if I was BU? Or was he being a tightarse? I would value your opinion..thank you...

@CockCarousel

I get that in hindsight costs should have been discussed upfront, but surely he knew that £90 (+ petrol! ) wouldn't exactly cover his share?

Tight bastard.

He's a miserable bastard. Just bin. What's stopping you? Perfect time now. One message, this relationship is no longer working for me and it's time to move on. Please do not contact me further, there is nothing up for discussion. Best of luck to you in the future.x' and then block and delete. Life's too short.

And next time, don't beat around the bush. 'Your share is £200. Here are my details.'

I have a feeling op is still with this guy and there's been a load of other stuff since

Sorry, I mistyped .
I think you were both being unreasonable, him for being tight and angry.
You should have been more upfront about how much it cost.
He is more unreasonable than you though.
Have you spoken to him at all ?

So now you know that the word gracious will never be written in his book. You should have been clearer but he has clearly revealed his awful character.

You needed to establish whether you were treating him or expecting him to pay half.

the most worrying thing for me is not the money but the fact that he turns things around and makes you feel guilty. I have been in a relationship like that and ultimately had to walk away. I would urge you to as well as. he is clearly a tosser.

Is the reason that you weren't upfront about finances because you sort of knew he'd be angry/sulk/cancel? Were you nervous of bringing it up, @COPPER3 ?

Walk away now if your still together end it you've not seen each other for 6 months.

I could not be with anyone that was either a piss taker and used you for money or someone that drew up a tally chart for how much you owed them down to the last penny.

It should be about fairness and being able to treat one another without feeling hard done by

Accomodation, Food, Eating Out, Petrol were the costs of this holiday. It sounds like you were a bit embarrassed asking for a contribution when he knew you had an accomodation discount of some sort. Did you think if he had to pay up , up front that he might not want to come. He did ask you a few times but you prevaricated. It sounds like you have a problem asking for money and that is where the ever handy text comes in. Stand up for yourself, you are worth more than this treatment. If you start a relationship on this basis you will be exploited. Its not equal.

Having said that. Who expects to get a 5 night holiday all in for £90? I bet this isn't the first time you've bought more rounds or paid for dinner when you are out with him. You work hard for your money and you deserve be treated equally and not have to pay more for someone for them to deign to spend time with you.
His reaction was abusive. he sounds mean and also you haven't really seen him since. If he wanted to see you he would. So pre empt the eventual dumping and dump him first. Sorry, its not a nice experience to go through but there are nicer more appreciative people out there if you don't get tied up with meanies like him.

Of course YANBU. When I think of me, my mother, her mother and what I know of my mother's grandmother, I realise that none of us would have had the happy marriages we did had we been married to mean men. We were all blessed with generous, kind, open-hearted spouses. I do know that this is because we were fortunate enought to brought up by such fathers, who model what a decent man is and gave us self-esteem.
So we would be unlikely to end up with a mean spirited mate as we know we deserve better and expect it. Unfortunately for some, what we are brought up seems normal and without a lot of work, it is probably what we will end up with, so this is tougher for anyone than less good role models.
So raise your sights OP and expect better. Being more assertive (which comes with self-esteem) would help - such as spellling out the money situation upfront before you went on holiday rather than drip- feeding and risking a difference of expectations.

On the one hand he sounds really rude and difficult, but on the other I think that on the actual holiday was too late for you to specify how much you wanted, especially when he had asked months before

This, he'd kept asking you and you sound as if you were dithery and not exactly clear, and kept saying to sort it out later and not telling him what you expected/how much etc.
People aren't mind readers!
His reaction wasn't good but probably felt a bit pissed off at the fobbing off and dithering, not speaking up, I probably would have too!
So YABU

I hope he's your ex

All you needed to do was say holiday is 500 so transfer me 250 please

Pretty simple

You should have decided on the money before you booked it, and certainly before you left for the holiday. But yet he does sound stingy and aggressive to blow up at you like that rather than just saying 'oh... How much were you after? I will need to budget for it and pay you next month, I hope that's OK? Next time, let's decide before we book'.

If you're in a long distance relationship then you won't be seeing his true colours day in day out. I would take this as a big red flag.

Thank you so much for your replies. I realised that I should have been very clear with him about a fixed amount before we went away. We did used to split 50/50 in the past, so I assumed he would offer a bit more than £50! Plus I was still contributing to meals/drinks etc throughout the holiday. To get to the end of the story....he pissed me off so much that I did dump him! But now he wants to have another go, so hence my question to you all, as it is something that I just could not get my head around. THANK YOU all again.. xxx

So did it actually COST you £500+ or it would have done if it wasn't a timeshare?

You organised a time-share type thing and brushed off his attempt to talk money. If that had been me I'd have assumed you were paying and I would do my bit by giving you petrol money and buying the food.

However, going ballistic over anything is not a good sign.

I think this hits it on the head OP.

As lovely as you're holiday sounds to you, for me, there's no way i'd waste £200 on a trip to cornwall, it's not my thing and not something i want to spend considerable amounts of money on. However if an SO offered to treat me to a break away for us and chose cornwall for it I would happily go with them and offer a token amount for petrol and do a nice meal on me one night to say thank you.

You needed to be clear from the start, no matter how much money someone has it's not on to book something you expect them to pay for without first telling them what it's going to cost. You may have found if you'd told him the cost before he would have politely excused himself from the holiday.

All that said if he really did go ballistic and not just a normal level of angry, and if he really does have a habit of twisting things - both of these are not on. If you are going to consider getting back together you need to have a frank discussion. Admit you were wrong to make a big financial decision for him but make it clear that his reaction was equally not ok. He needs to work on how he deals with his anger and manages conflict but you need to realise that just because you're a couple you don't get to make decisions for him - especially big financial ones.

He was being unreasonable because if he was strict on spending, he should have said that he needs to know so that he can budget. Petrol cost is likely to be more than £20 - and he should have known that.

You delayed talking about it, but he did not press it, which he should have if it was important to him instead of becoming angry later. If partner spent more than I was comfortable with, then I would encourage them to be more prudent when going out/holiday together and adjust activities to suit the budget.

I guess you guys had not holidayed together before? So maybe I would consider a 2nd go - but I would tell him why it annoyed you and listen to what he says. Attitudes to money are important in a relationship - need to know if you are compatible.

We did used to split 50/50 in the past, so I assumed he would offer a bit more than £50! Plus I was still contributing to meals/drinks etc throughout the holiday. To get to the end of the story....he pissed me off so much that I did dump him!
NEVER assume where money is concerned OP - not with anyone. That can breed resentment (as you've seen).

I'm glad you dumped him (there were better ways for him to deal with this) because who wants someone in their lives who "goes ballistic" in circumstances where they should be adult enough to discuss things and put their points across to their partner in a mature way.

Regarding whether you should give the relationship another go, how do YOU feel about it? If you are so-so about the idea then give it a miss. Otherwise have an open, honest and mature discussion between you and start dating again- not just pick up from where you left off.

Good luck!🌹

I wouldn’t get back with him.

I'd need to know more about the time share thing to decide whether YABU. If you got some vouchers by going to a talk or already own a time share, then it's costing you nothing. In that case you can't say "well a similar hotel in this area would cost £500, so even though I've paid nothing my DP should pay £250 to me". Like if you owned a holiday house, you might charge friends for staying there but you wouldn't charge your DP for staying there with you. Or if you won a hotel stay and invited DP to join you, you wouldn't charge them half the usual cost and pocket the cash.

I certainly would not give him a second try. He's tight.

I do believe in second chances but in this case I wouldn't give it another go.
It isn't only the money issue it's because of his reaction to you.
He doesn't sound nice.

Maybe he knew it was timeshare, didn’t think you were paying so why should he have to? Really need to discuss how much something is going to cost before you do it. Give him the option of not going if he thinks it’s ‘too much’ but his reaction was very OTT and not necessary. Could have all been handled much better.

You haven’t answered any questions OP. I think from what I’ve read YA a bit U. He isn’t a mind reader, he asked you how much he should give, you should have been clear.
If a partner said to me “we’ll sort it out later” I’d think he was brushing my offer of money off and treating me to a holiday. Then I’d be a bit embarrassed when the bill came in and I hadn’t set aside money. Was the holiday his idea? Did you plan it together? How much did you actually pay for the holiday?

Dump him