To think my boss is being unsupportive (pregnancy)

[roarfeckingroar]

I'm aware I'm a bit over sensitive at the moment. First pregnancy, 24 weeks. My career has always been v important to me, I'm 33 and in a mid senior position.

AIBU to think my manager is being unsupportive?

Due to CV, she's struggling to get cover for my role, which is frustrating I'm sure. I also haven't been here that long, it'll be about a year when I go on mat leave. Within the time frame for eligibility for full maternity benefits. It's a huge company.

I reminded her that I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so can't do a set time, plus 40 min travel each way. "Oh. I'm happy to support all these appointments but isn't there a quicker way to get there?" No. I'm walking. Avoiding public transport, which adds on about ten min each way. She says fine, I suppose that makes sense.

I also haven't been able to tell anyone aside her and her manager, because there isn't yet a plan sorted for my cover. I'm six months along now and regularly working 12 hour days - not a problem, I love my job, but I wish I could be more open.

AIBU to feel fed up and sad at being made to feel I'm a nuisance? I feel shitty and isolated enough without this negativity around an appointment I'm legally entitled to take during working hours.

Why are you keeping it a secret??

Why can't you be more open, it's up to you who you tell.

The rest of it I couldn't get too bothered about.

I’d get a taxi.

I dont see any harm in her asking if there was a quicker way of getting to your appointment.

and surely you can tell whoever you want about the pregnancy. Have they told you not to say anything or are you just choosing not to?

To be honest, that doesn't sound unsupportive. I guess it might be the tone in which it was said that came across as unsupportive, but is it possible that you could have misinterpreted the tone?

You know you have the right to go to the appointment and your manager has agreed you can go and that your chosen method of transport makes the most sense. So i'd just carry on regardless.

However, I'd be more miffed at the workload you've got. Surely that is not sustainable?

I'd be having a meeting with manager to work out a solution to this that means you not having to work over your contracted hours and not feeling pressured to do so/guilty for not doing so.

It wouldn’t be lovely if everyone was as excited about your pregnancy as you are but the reality is that they’re never going to be. It seems all your manager has done is question whether you need the length of time off you e requested, you’ve confirmed you do, she’s acquiesced. Not a huge deal.

Just tell people. Whether cover has been arranged or not, you’ll still be going on maternity leave so why does it matter whether people know?

From your post it seems like the only thing she asked was if you could get to your appointment quicker, doesn't seem unreasonable or unsupportive to me.

Because I don't want to spend £30 in taxis, neither should I have to. I feel like by asking she was checking up on me, which is a) unlike her - I'm in a senior position working independently and trusted to make decisions across the board, so why ask about whether I can work out my own transport? And b) given the hours I work are regularly long beyond my contracted hours, is a bit rude.

There's pressure on me to keep quiet until she's sorted cover. I don't want to cause her more difficulty, I get that it's difficult in this climate, but I shouldn't be asked to do it.

Sorry I think you're being over sensitive about her asking that. Have you had a risk assessment done? Did that address the long hours etc?

I don't expect anyone to be excited except my partner and close family. I also don't expect to be asked questions that make me feel like a naughty child trying to get out of French class.

At face value, I don't see that her comments are problematic but you're the one who knows the full context and how it makes you feel etc.

I don't think you should have to change your travel plans but it's also understandable that the appointments affect other people and they may not be overjoyed while still being generally supportive.

You can tell whomever you like. At 6 months I’m sure people have noticed?!

Cover is her problem, not yours. So let that go.

The long hours aren't a problem; I'm ambitious and the extra work is getting me exposure and recognition so very much worth it to me. I was just giving the context for being a bit pissed off at being questioned about my journey time. Surely "yes, thanks for reminding me" is the right response ?

No one has noticed because everything is done over Teams / Skype

Thanks everyone. Verdict seems to be I'm probably being a bit sensitive. Its playing into my anxiety about how having a child is going to negatively impact my career in general.

Get used to that feeling, having a child will negatively affect your career. That’s the price of motherhood. Much as we don’t want to admit.

You will not be as promotable, you will not be as valued.

But that is an inherent sexism in the U.K. and is totally entrenched, the pay gap is not between women and men it’s between mothers and the rest of the working population.

As you've realised, you're being a bit oversensitive about the appointment.

However, I'd be more concerned regarding the lack of disclosure of your status. Potentially, you keeping this secret will cause issues in the team long term generally and very specifically, for you. I would ask her again if you can tell th team and agree messaging re what the plan is. If you don't have a solution yet (or she doesn't), the messaging will obviously have to be something about how you're planning to go on maternity leave at roughly this time and that you and your manager are working on finding a maternity cover solution.

Also, it may be worth asking if you can help with finding cover. Whether that's helping to draw up job descriptions/ role responsibilities, accessing your network etc.

@HuckfromScandal depressingly true on all counts.

@BlingLoving there's a recruitment freeze including contractors so I can't help with my own network. I work in comms so already have a plan set up. I'm going to give it one more week then push the issue.

I work in comms so already have a plan set up.

I could have guessed this. Of all departments, comms should understand how important communicating with the team is at this time. But of course, they don't. Just like HR departments often have the worst records for treating staff badly.

I think one more week then pushing the issue is totally fair. I also work in comms and while I told people at 12 weeks, my bosses dragged their feet on my replacement and it was a huge issue. People were stressed and worried about it, particularly my team and my core internal clients.

I agree with @HuckfromScandal I’m afraid.

Your career will take a hit (definitely in the short term) but the reality is while you’re ducking out for midwife appointments, taking a year off and then the inevitable leave needed to pick up sick kids, go to assemblies and wanting to work sensible hours to have a work / life balance etc... others will be in the background working all the hours god sends to progress. Even if your DH does 50% of this, you’ll still be noticeably less “committed” than before.

You’re already getting difficult because your boss asked if there was any way you could take less time out if the office. Perfectly reasonable if she was happy with your answer and you genuinely cant (did you try to get a late day appointment ?). I also don’t see an issue trying to keep it quiet if they have no plan in place - they’re trying to get something in place to allay concerns staff might have over your absence and that’s the kind of thing you should care about if you want to progress. Personally, I’d also be a bit miffed as a boss if I’d just recruited you and you went off pregnant so soon. You’re not allowed to say / think this, buts it’s more work for you boss to get your work covered.

There is a perception that new mothers are not worth the effort, which is more prevalent in certain industries. You can argue both sides of this coin, but whether it’s right or wrong, the facts are there and you’ll need to accept that in order to make positive steps to overcome the challenges that will now be placed in your way.

In my industry, every single woman that went off to have a baby changed company as soon as the period of paying back enhanced maternity was over. Because you were written off once you were seen as pregnant and needing time off - it was easier to start again elsewhere where no one has seen you that way iyswim.

I don’t mean to worry you - you should be happy and excited at this time - but if you’re interested in progression just have a mind to how you are presenting yourself at this time. I’m not saying it’s right you have to, but it’s certainly wise to.

@BlingLoving yeah it's the internal stakeholders that my manager is keen to not worry until a plan is in place, but it's getting to the point it'll only do more damage to my own reputation if this isn't managed soon.

@BluntAndToThePoint80 that's incredibly depressing. I'm hoping it won't be quite so bad as I already worked from home 2-3 days each week and intend to carry on putting the hours in on my return. DH has a job more suited to assemblies etc and that's not for a few years yet. Ultimately my career is very, very important to me and I might stick at one child for this reason.

Yup - depressing. In my industry, which to be fair is male dominated and quite traditional (ie sexist) you have to be better than everyone else to justify why an employer needs to make a short term investment (ie putting up with you having g children) to get a long term goal (ie a loyal, talented employee). I find it’s easiest to try to let them forget I have kids where possible.

Do you mind me asking which industry? Mine is heavily male dominated too.