To think my boss is being unsupportive (pregnancy)

[roarfeckingroar]

I'm aware I'm a bit over sensitive at the moment. First pregnancy, 24 weeks. My career has always been v important to me, I'm 33 and in a mid senior position.

AIBU to think my manager is being unsupportive?

Due to CV, she's struggling to get cover for my role, which is frustrating I'm sure. I also haven't been here that long, it'll be about a year when I go on mat leave. Within the time frame for eligibility for full maternity benefits. It's a huge company.

I reminded her that I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so can't do a set time, plus 40 min travel each way. "Oh. I'm happy to support all these appointments but isn't there a quicker way to get there?" No. I'm walking. Avoiding public transport, which adds on about ten min each way. She says fine, I suppose that makes sense.

I also haven't been able to tell anyone aside her and her manager, because there isn't yet a plan sorted for my cover. I'm six months along now and regularly working 12 hour days - not a problem, I love my job, but I wish I could be more open.

AIBU to feel fed up and sad at being made to feel I'm a nuisance? I feel shitty and isolated enough without this negativity around an appointment I'm legally entitled to take during working hours.

Law and construction - not sure I could get a worse combination if I tried.

Oh wow. Perhaps law and finance?

I'm going to go and cry get some fresh air, try to get some perspective, before I start looking into adoption.

I am in a senior position in finance - I would never have wasted 40mins during the day to get to an antenatal appointment when a taxi would have been faster. If I had to walk or use the bus / train I arranged the appointment before 9am - or after 4pm. Perhaps that’s what your manager was getting at? Yes you are entitled to take antenatal appointments and yes the company should support you, but as a senior person you also need to think of business need and arrange things for least impact to your team.

I actually don't think you're being over sensitive. If you don't feel very supported then they are not being supportive! Only you will be able to pick up on the subtleties of the situation but for example do you think they would have asked you how you were getting there and how long it was going to take etc if you were going to another medical appointment? Or implied you should be getting public transport if you were in another vulnerable category? Impossible to prove, but I suspect not! I think things are changing, yes there is still a way to go but I got a promotion on my return from first maternity leave, yes I had to travel for a week but they approached me about it, because they missed me when I was off! Progressing is harder, but most of the battle there is having a partner to do an equal share. Plenty more men than in the past now take time off for sick children etc. And it's only for a few years, now peoples careers span 40 years plus so companies would be stupid to dismiss people because of one year out. This is an aside but have you considered sharing paternity leave? I did it and know a few people who have done it and it stops you being out of the workplace for quite as long but also helps you settle back into it much more easily - you can throw yourself back in long hours at first, without worrying about nursery pick ups etc and settling in a baby in a new setting and the inevitable illnesses they catch etc. I'd recommend it

Please don’t get too depressed. If your career is important to you, you’ll put the work in and you’ll be fine. I’m probably a bit doom and gloom, but I do know loads of other partners with kids. I think you just need to be smart about how you get there.

I dont know about other trusts but where I live you have absolutely no choice over appointments. I rang and tried to change one because it clashed with a work thing and got an earful and a long explanation of why it's impossible other than exceptional circumstances. Lots of other hospital appointments I've been give for other things have been the same eg try and call and on hold for hours or the number no longer works etc etc. Also to the people saying you would have jumped in a taxi, so would OP if there wasnt a pandemic and pregnant people are advised to avoid such situations.

Similar things to those @GrumpyHoonMain has said. There may be things you’re entitled to, but you have to do it in a way that has the least impact at work.

This is why law firms (particularly City ones) have such woeful male/female partner ratios.

@GrumpyHoonMain we have absolutely no choice over appointments. As I explained earlier, because of where I am in London it'll take 25 min in traffic or 35 walking. My point is that my boss knows that I work over and above every day for the business; I feel totally unappreciated that she's questioning me over a difference in 20 min. Bloody hell if I worked to rule like most other team members I might understand.

Exactly @OoohTheStatsDontLie - I'm following safety guidance!

I'm taking on board what you're saying - those that agree and disagree with whether I'm unreasonable to feel hurt. I'm not used to feeling vulnerable and I ask for nothing in terms of support or assistance - either before or during pregnancy - and consistently take on additional projects, work to crisis deadlines etc happily. I hate feeling like I'm being questioned and I'm just a massive pain now.

It's entirely sensible to walk rather than get a taxi, from an infection pov if nothing else. Plus an extra 10 minutes each way is really not much.

That's what I thought @PregnantPorcupine but now I'm doubting myself

When I was working and pregnant I used to get the first appointment available and get Get there early and wait otherwise I would be waiting all day. At one point I left work waited for an hour and had to reschedule because it took so long.

I think it’s so easy to feel borderline persecuted when pregnant. I’m a week behind you with my second and both times I’ve felt this way over fairly simple matters but on reflection I think it’s my paranoia over being seen as workshy or less capable rather than any lack of support.

I think the travel time issue could be a simple oh really that’s ages?! Passing comment not necessarily checking up on you but not thought through in the way it’s said.

I’m afraid I have to completely disagree with this theme of ‘your life is now over’ it may well be entirely industry dependent but for me I’ve enlisted paid childcare For some days and I’ve given my husband my expectations on how much childcare he will be undertaking so we are equal parents and since having our son my career has gone from strength to strength and I’ve been promoted.

If your priorities change and your preference is to stay home with the children or your circumstances mean it’s cost inefficient to go to work and pay for childcare then of course, your career will take a hit with you not actually attending. However, if you have the means and the desire to progress your career there is nothing in your way. Children or not. I think many women face unfair obstacles but I also think many choose to put less time in and moan.

Also. Yes to walking. Entirely reasonable and sensible.

I feel shitty and isolated enough without this negativity around an appointment I'm legally entitled to take during working hours.

She isnt stopping you from taking them. She is probably a bit bummed out you've been there 5 minutes yet are going on maternity leave so soon, and I don't blame her if I'm honest. That's probably why her tone is off, but she hasn't done anything wrong.

I dont get why women that have been in a job for such a short time are surprised their manager isnt over the moon that they're about to go off for the year.

@Wolfgirrl because really it wouldn't make any difference if I've been here one year or ten. I'm coming back 100% and not taking the full year. I don't expect excitement, "over the moon", that language is ridiculous. I do expect a considerate tone and not being made to feel I'm being checked up on like a school girl.

@ToddlerBumpBorderCollie thank you - that's helped. DH sees this as a shared responsibility, as all should.

God this shouldn't be so hard. Don't get me started on SMP after the company mat benefits end.

It is easier than you think to live on. Between being at the beck and call of a tiny dictator and the government making all the nice coffee shops weird to go to life will be cheaper. That and the lack of work wardrobe and travel. You’ve got this! It’s a whole new challenge but you’ll love (most) of it

@roarfeckingroar just expressing my opinion. She is probably just trying to maximise your output before you go off. It was a very innocuous comment, not really worth a thread IMO.

@Piglet89

Yes, but to be fair they treat everyone generally like crap... unless you’re equity.

I'm going to go and cry get some fresh air, try to get some perspective, before I start looking into adoption.
Pop on over to the adoption boards @roarfeckingroar and see how easy it is and how no leave is needed and it doesn't impact your career adopting a child(ren) who may have been treated badly in the past and whose trauma can manifest in many ways.

Yes it's patronising of your boss to ask about your travel arrangements as if you haven't thought it through.
If you are friends with any colleagues would you be telling them about your pregnancy anyway, in which case go ahead and do it.

@roarfeckingroar

Just out of interest, do you really not see the difference in how you will be perceived in the two scenarios ie between working somewhere 10 years, putting in the hours, earning your place in the team and your reputation, making yourself indispensable to the organisation etc etc... before going on mat leave, and being in post a very short time before you go off and leaving a load of additional work for people (whether it’s recruiting a replacement, training them, covering bits of work etc) with whom you will have generated very little goodwill just because it’s your right ?

I think you're feeling vulnerable (not helped by some of the more recent posts in this thread!) and it's making you over-sensitive.

@ASandwichNamedKevin sorry, I was joking about putting my baby up for adoption to save my career - didn't mean to offend, gallows humour tends to be my saviour.

@Wolfgirrl then feel free not to open the thread or comment.

Thanks everyone. I've dropped my boss an email apologising for inconvenience and will see where we go from here. Chances are she's just a bit stressed too. She's an absolute diamond usually.